awk / praise

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well. things just became exceedingly awkward and uncomfortable and confusing. be still, my heart. God is in control. praise Him, my heart. God is working.

EDIT// freaking praise God for provision. for giving me a blessed time of fellowship with brothers from other churches that are passionate about social justice. for protecting my heart from unreasonable fracture. for calming storms, in the 2013 la jolla skies and in my heart, because He is Lord over the storms and at His voice alone does my heart promptly cease striving and wrestling. praise, praise, praise.

sidenotes;
prayers up for sunny fundraiser and subsequent rainy friday :)

pondering vocation

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"The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." -Frederick Buechner

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

i struggled to post this elsewhere because i am increasingly aware of my audience. i find myself fearfully cautious of who reads what i consider to be my inner thoughts, products of my heart attempting to make sense of things as i navigate through the winding path that is life. & because of numerous fears that i have yet to discern, i have two blogs specifically for the purpose of controlling who gets to read what. but i guess without further ado, here is a somewhat lengthy excerpt of my inner thoughts, unabashed and unabridged.

i find that in my generation, there seems to be a overriding preoccupation with earning significance by landing a successful career. i see it in my life -- especially in the contents of my worries and thoughts throughout the years, starting when i was 16; i entertained a hundred career options and invested my heart a hundred times in ill-informed, naive excitement only to become disheartened in a few months by the lack of clarity that prefaced every option i timidly considered.

i have little doubt that this fluctuating pattern of excitement for the future inconveniently followed by paralyzing fear of the future will continue to be a struggle. not only is it characteristic of me, given my proclivity towards structure and tangible security, to dread the unknown steps to some unknown future, it is also characteristic of my generation to be obsessed with the future because we have been incessantly inundated by the lie that our glorified goal is to become educated, get a good job (whatever that freaking means), start a family, and... retire comfortably so we can die comfortably? furthermore, it is characteristic of humans in general, as creatures whose vision has been broken by sin, to 1) distrust the extent of God's love for us, 2) sorely underestimate His immediate workings in our lives, 3) and buy into the lie that we can somehow, by virtue of our hard work, earn our way into some distinguished calling. we fail to realize that in doing so, we are indulging in idolatry -- perhaps not with the luxurious freedom that "indulge" connotes, but with a frenzied and self-obsessed worried attitude. we are also misdirected in where we invest our hopes and dreams.

i donno. i struggle with this and will continue to for some time. but i praise God for the work He has done in my life, particularly in this area of worry about my future. He started with my obsession with berkeley and gently guided me away from a science major and patiently molded my passions until it is what it is today. i find that i am in a place where because i can trace the evolution of my passions, a dynamic process that i can credit to God's comprehensive introduction of people and events and knowledge in my life, i can say with increasing assurance that God is moving in my life. and because He is moving, my passions are not and will never be stagnant. my future is not some dreary cookie mold of structure and predictability that i am supposed to magically discern and walk towards in a straight line. i will walk what at times may seem like an aimless path to get some location which i am uncertain of.

and more than anything, my heart has recently found that it feels most peaceful and joyful when i am living in the present -- not obsessing over the future, but wholeheartedly pursuing my present passions knowing that He has given them to me at this particular moment in time. i find the novelty of the increasingly blurred line between the everyday things i do & the ways i praise Him to be liberating: i give glory to him when i have joy in what i do. wild, reckless, invincible, victorious, joyful -- these are the things i feel when i sketch something or create something; when i write to relieve my introspective anguish and find myself feed on my own logical process until it becomes a kind of art to translate and channel inexpressible chaos into powerful structure, words, and understandings; when i read a life changing book or listen to a song; when i bake something beautiful and delicious and can share it with my friends; when those dear to my heart share their heartaches and i am able to alleviate some of that pain. recently, the process of creating a student org has produced similar joy. i find myself tapping into the delegation and leadership skills that i used when leading vbs. it is exhilarating to throw myself into a project that practically engages my heart for the oppressed. it is tangible. it isn't some abstract, vague model of following Christ. it brings me joy. and i praise God for it.

& because of this pocket of joy and peace, i am starting to believe with increasing parts of my heart that anxiety over the future is a surefire indication that something is wrong: we are probably redirecting the ache for eternity towards banal pursuits of careers. we are probably investing our identity in our career and not in His claim over our lives as His beloved, as His chosen people purposed for great deeds. i believe He has greater things in store than we can ever imagine. & i believe that is why we are so mistakenly obsessed with our prospective careers: because we struggle to conceptualize the "great things" He has in store until the world becomes an overbearing reality and God becomes a distant second thought. we don't know who He is; we don't know His heart for us and His heart for the sea of brokenness out there, in our backyard, sitting next to us in class. we don't know that sometimes our concept of "greatness" is off, and that He uses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise and strong. because i also believe that as we grow in our knowledge of Him, and as we marry that knowledge with responses in our heart and actions, we will begin to see that God is the present reality, and the promises the world offers with persuasive sweetness will be anticlimactically unveiled as the ugly, rabid lies that they are.

praise God for freedom from worry & daily renewal of our minds. praise Him for being a God who cares about every area of our lives and is intimately involved in the present tense. praise Him for the joy and passions that He plants in our hearts.


sidenotes;
i have somehow managed to write for an hour and disregard my 11pm sleep time. this is what happens when i get carried away. why is it that my heart feels an unbearable need to word vomit its sentiments when i need to sleep -__-
i lav raw cucumbers

& also peanut butter
and eating clean
and good conversations with lnguyen
also i ate like 8 cough drops yesterday because it felt like there was a knife in my throat
& today i am so congested that when i breathe i sound like a dying monster from under your bed lols
where is all this mucous coming from? body, i do not appreciate this 3:<
i am congested hear me wheeze and trumpet and make all sorts of awful noises
창황 said that my haircut is the best of the three haircuts i have had during college. whooo

excerpts of the day

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ON HONORING GOD WITH OUR TONGUE DURING TIMES OF EMOTIONAL PAIN:

"Not one of us is immune to the wounds received when living in this fallen world. And though it ought not to be in our homes, the reality is that sometimes it just is.

Some of us protect ourselves by putting a hard shell around our hearts. Others withdraw, keeping a safe distance from anyone who might lash out and hurt their tender souls. Or sometimes we fight back, returning meanness for meanness in an attempt to turn away the flood of negativity, giving them just what they deserve for hurting us so.

We end up feeling as ugly as we sound, or bound up and cold hearted; unable to pour on people the extravagant affection that makes a woman truly beautiful...

Sometimes it takes herculean effort to pull yourself away from the pain of hurt feelings. The only possible way to do so is to praise God...Just like Ruth, you and I need a Rescuer – someone who will tuck you under His wing and guard your fragile heart. Rather than step in and rescue yourself by fighting back, what might happen if you, like David, chose instead to simply cry out to the Lord and wait? What if, instead of acting out your hurt and anger, you chose to bow low before the Father and honor Him with your tongue?"
-Hespeaksinsilence devo

ON THE PERVASIVE SIN OF FAVORITISM THAT INHIBITS FELLOWSHIP AND OFFENDS GOD;
"There is an evil which I have seen under the sun--one that grows and does not diminish. And it is all the more dangerous because it is done without evil aforethought but, as it were, carelessly and without wrong intent.

It is the evil of giving to them that have and withholding from them that have not. It is the evil of blessing with a loud voice them that are already blessed and letting the unblessed and the outcast lie forgotten...

Our openness to other people may be determined by class favoritism or by lack of comfort...But whatever triggers favoritism violates brotherly/sisterly love."
-Tozer devo

ON AVOIDING APATHY/SPIRITUAL SLEEP;
"Christians who isolate themselves and walk alone, are very liable to grow drowsy. Hold Christian company, and you will be kept wakeful by it, and refreshed and encouraged to make quicker progress in the road to heaven...Let the eye of faith be constantly looking unto him; let your heart be full of him; let your lips speak of his worth. Friend, live near to the cross, and thou wilt not sleep." 3.5
- Spurgeon devo


ON OUR OBSESSION WITH OUR "CALLING" AND HOW OUR IDENTITY IN CHRIST RADICALLY SHAPES EVERYTHING;
"We have such a difficult time affirming people's callings into the arts, or medicine, or education, or government, or law, or business, or the home because we don't see those callings directly or specifically affirmed in the scripture and then we assume that God doesn't care about them. We're asking the scripture a question it wasn't meant to answer because scripture assumes people of the scriptures will also have the holy spirit and commune with him to direct specific callings of their lives.

If we get a theology of vocation right, understanding highest calling to commune with God, our common calling as all Christians, and our specific calling as individual believers, it's gonna impact the way we live...

Many of you are probably engaged in work that you don't think matters very much...but have you considered how that work would be transformed if it became a time and place of being aware of God's presence with you? How it would be transformed, lifted up from a secular/mundane/profane profession into a holy calling where God is present? God doesn't do anything that doesn't matter and if He is with you, your work matters.

Your value is in your highest calling: that you're a child of God. How different would your life be if you saw all of life as a communication with God. His voice over you is not declaring disappointment or a desire for you to achieve more, but His voice says 'I am well pleased because you are my beloved child.'"
- Newsong sermon

sidenotes;
tear my gaze from me so i can see You and Your peeople

tales of a saturday's nothings with nobody

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it is fascinating to stop for a moment and consider the polarizing range of emotions i can experience in a single day of relatively few notable events. i woke up this morning feeling like the most antisocial creature in the world because i had, once again, miserably failed to wake up to my alarm. so i sat up and after a suspended moment of squinting at the obstinately self-righteous alarm clock, i promptly keeled over into the part of my blanket that had been warmed by the most unwelcome sun. after cooking some brown rice and yams, and after showering, reading about rehoboam's foolishness and remembering how God impressed john 15 on my heart the night before, i felt noticeably better. a saturday of catching up on reading didn't seem too daunting. and so i wore a dress because it was 80 degrees outside and headed over to a sun drenched booth outside tapex only to migrate to a booth in the shade after five minutes of glare on my laptop and heat on my shoulders. i was so glad for short hair.

i wondered briefly what my real intentions were, for cutting my hair, for wearing a dress, for studying in public. i donno. sometimes there are monsters i can keep at bay when i am in public places. but sometimes i am reckless and open myself to heartbreak when i am in public because there are faces i want to see and things i want to hear but i know it's all bad and awful for my heart. i wished for a best friend.

i found myself blithely braving through the dry history of u.s. healthcare activism and all the reasons it wasn't successful (namely, fear of socialism and entrenched racism). after that was done and over with, i buried myself in assata shakur's life of oppression by the very government that claimed the label, "land of the free." and by the time it was 6pm, i had just finished reading about her narrow escape from a gang rape when i noticed that a middle aged chinese man turned around twice to look at me. i glared at him with the nauseous disgust freshly evoked in my gut from assata's story. by the third time he turned around, i was packing my things to leave and he was opening his mouth to say something. i didn't stick around. as i walked past the shadowy eucalyptus groves, i struggled to stomach my disgust; he was ugly and creepy and i wanted to hug myself and squeeze out the memory of his face.

productivity took a woeful toll once i was back in my apartment; i listened to some emily king and some yuna and some daley. i also stress ate some ice cream and nutella while i was in the midst of that terrifying moment of paralysis and anguish preceding creation. i helped my friend brainstorm her essay and struggled to reign in my frustration. i wondered if patient people are just supremely convincing actors/actresses. i finished my newspaper illustration at 2:30am and am now writing for the sake of writing.

sidenotes;

i feel pregnant lol. i need to stop stress eating sugary foods.

i get so crazy when people don't respond to my emails/chats. why do you do that

i love pigma micron brush pens
i think i will write a spoken word piece sometime soon

like a gracious knife

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“Anger is always an attack on the brother’s life, for it refuses to let him live and aims at his destruction. Jesus will not accept the common distinction between righteous indignation and unjustifiable anger. The disciple must be entirely innocent of anger, because anger is an offence against both God and his neighbour. Every idle word which we think so little of betrays our lack of respect for our neighbour, and shows that we place ourselves on a pinnacle above him and value our own lives higher than his. The angry word is a blow struck at our brother, a stab at his heart:it seeks to hit, to hurt and to destroy…With our hearts burning with hatred, we seek to annihilate his moral and material existence. We are passing judgement on him, and that is murder. And the murderer will himself be judged…

When we come before God with hearts full of contempt and unreconciled with our neighbours, we are, both individually and as a congregation, worshiping an idol. So long as we refuse to love and serve our brother and make him an object of contempt and let him harbour a grudge against me or the congregation, our worship and sacrifice will be unacceptable to God. Not just the fact that I am angry, but the fact that there is somebody who has been hurt, damaged and disgraced by me, who ‘has a cause against me,’ erects a barrier between me and God…

There is therefore only one way of following Jesus and of worshiping God, and that is to be reconciled with our brethren. If we come to hear the Word of God and receive the sacrament without first being reconciled with our neighbours, we shall come to our own damnation…This is a hard way, but it is the way Jesus requires if we are to follow him. It is a way which brings much personal humiliation and insult, but it is indeed the way to him, our crucified Brother, and therefore a way of grace abounding.” -Cost of Discipleship, Bonhoeffer

sidenotes;
like a gracious knife to the festering, cancerous anger encasing my heart
because the sad and awful thing is that i can conjure the faces of those i have sinned against in my heart. it's not like i am ignorant about it. god have mercy. give me the boldness to do what i have to do now.

also i am stress eating and stress sleeping and it is bad

sleepy butterflies

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today i want to cat nap. you know that dreamlike limbo some time in between full wakefulness and unconsciousness, when there are memories and thoughts and sensations and images flitting in and out of your head that make sense but make no sense at the same time? & when your tummy houses sleepy butterflies and it's warm but your body is restlessly tense. when it's saturday afternoon and you overslept, when you lie in bed entirely resistant towards the notion of doing any work? i donno. that is today.  i want a hug. i want to talk and not talk, i want to draw and read and bake and watch tv and have someone track my visions and feed off of my passion and be contagiously excited.

i need some vitamin d; being cooped up makes me crazy. it makes my mind and heart muggy.

sidenotes;

mmmm

wrestling with being needed

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i will be entirely honest; there are days and moments when i unknowingly slip into this huge mess of fear. there was a period of my life when i was 17 that i actively disdained all sorts of over-analysis because i became aware of my tendency to over-think. i still try to avoid this, to an extent; but my awareness of that tendency fluctuates with the changes in life.

namely, i fear being unneeded. i hesitate to draw from a human interpretation of personalities, but apparently this "need to be needed" is characteristic of isfj's. whether it is or not, i suppose it is very much a reality in my heart. in sociology we touched upon the concept of a "looking glass self" in which we as social beings reflexively determine whom we are by who we are not: in other words, perception of our worth and identity is molded by how others react to us. we internalize how our peers perceive us and it becomes reality.

accordingly, i draw reassurance when i am someone's confidante, someone's secret keeper. it doesn't feel like some sort of renowned pedestal; it feels simply, right. how i reconcile this with Jesus' claim upon my heart and His proclamation of my identity as His beloved daughter, i have yet to discover.

i suppose that is why it hurts so much when people i cherish (in whom i have invested my heart in the form of verbally and intentionally sharing my heartache) cease to express affection towards me. or when they comparatively show more affection towards other people. or when they don't respond to my emails. or when they fail to follow through their promises of grand romantic gestures of friendship. i begin to distrust their expressions of love & i begin to question my importance in their lives and before i know it, i have entrenched my heart in a pit of tangible fear and i become incapable of unhindered fellowship with these brothers and sisters. and especially in light of two people, i find myself once more in a place of confused hurt and to some degree, betrayal, and in all senses of the word, mistrust because of lack of verbalized assurance. i feel volatile and am sorely tempted to, as c.s. lewis said, lock my heart "safe in a casket or coffin of my selfishness."

there is some kind of disconnect between my claim on my assurance as His beloved and my understanding of my importance as a friend in others' lives. i still have no answers for this. it is still very much a daily struggle to silence my misgivings and to fixate my gaze upon His face and to really embrace the reality of my identity as His daughter & as their friend, as someone who is loved and important. i'm not sure how to verbally express it yet, but there is most definitely something beautiful in this struggle.

this is an excerpt from a sister i admire:

"it’s humbling to realize that some of the core foundations of the gospel are still incredibly hard for me to internalize. For example, security in God’s love and awareness that his grace totally, totally covers my sin and shame and I don’t have to hide the unpleasing parts of me. I’m going to try to be really honest about this process of transformation for me. I hope that in doing so, I don’t convey that I am defined by my anxiety in life, but I do hope that I convey that being broken means that admitting that brokenness isn’t nice and neat and that it actually runs really deep and I still face real-time moments often where I feel overcome by anxiety...

I wish I could tell you that dealing with these core insecurities has been a smooth up and up journey of growth and transformation. I wish I could tell you that after writing this post, I will not have a doubting or completely disorienting moment. But that would not be honest. It’s been a painfully start-stop-start-stop-start again kind of tumbleweed journey into unknown, lost places. It’s included plenty of tears of all kinds, plenty of moments where I feel completely uncertain what to anchor on emotionally, plenty of moments of terror seeing the depth of my capacity to be selfish and sinful and hardhearted, and plenty of moments where my deepest heart prayers were simply “please God, help me! please love me! I’m totally lost” The cries of a child." source

sidenotes;

growth is really such a humbling and beautiful and difficult process
also i am hungers i want food mmm

ghost of my memories

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i saw a ghost, i really did.
there one moment, gone the next.
there one year, gone the next

you haunt me because you are dead. because it is uncanny how similar it is to the other hole in my heart: we cannot speak because there is a great and intangible and horrible divide, except that you are alive. & that this divide is fabricated whereas the other is conquered by christ. what else is a ghost but someone dead in whatever sense who creates unrest in the lives of those he or she left? it is disturbing how our memories rewrite themselves because it feels as if there are cognizant wires in my mind, detaching and rewiring autonomously with some sort of gremlin-esque mischief. you don't know because you don't care. i am not some trophy to prove your mettle through self-denial. like i am a plague.

sidenotes;
i am so taken aback by how hurt i still feel
i could do with a hug and some validation

like air

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sometimes i need words of affirmation like air. i need your eyes and your ears because i see you and them and you and me and interpret your distraction as disinterest and ultimately, insincerity or rejection. and sometimes i feel like my heart just vomits itself onto the floor with every word i speak or don't speak in an entirely anticlimactic and feeble way. but i guess, it's not like i'm the center of the world. 'cause i'm not. but watch me shrink as you take up space because i'd rather not compete.

/merely dramatizing

There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so enthralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts. Inside you they work their magic. -Diane Setterfield 

When two people meet, each one is changed by the other so you've got two new people. -John Steinbeck

disingenuous

sidenotes;

veterans of civil rights movement came today.
"undirected anger must be channeled into social transformation by people who earn their insurgency through the building of a critical mass."
when people don't respond to my emails or make grand and entirely empty promises of gestures of friendship i get crazy no lies. excuse me while i stare. i am trying to figure out if you hate me. or why you are lying to my face.

/being snarky introvert at 1:30am

front lines

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can we just stop for a moment and ponder what a great god we serve? whether we are aware of His very tangible and purposeful work or not, He is, nonetheless, working on the front lines of our daily spiritual warfare. He is working on grander scales than we can even dare to imagine. He sees the brokenness of this world and is at this very moment, bringing His sons and daughters together to wage war against the chains of injustice. He works in such a particular way that it is undeniably and oftentimes amusingly & obviously His handiwork. 

last night i had an interview with UCSD's IJM outreach officer, and i was, to put it simply, speechless by how perfectly timed everything was. there was a reason i didn't get into the physiology/neuro program -- and that was so i would become a sociology major who took soc2 as a sophomore instead of as a freshman. UCSD implemented a "diversity, equity, inclusion" requirement fall quarter of my freshman year, and out of all the classes, i nearly arbitrarily chose an African American lit class THIS quarter, of all quarters. God used these classes to plant a seed of passion for social justice in my heart -- and He perfectly timed my email to IJM because i made the deadline by one night. even more striking is that they were lacking in the graphic design/photography area and they were praying for someone to come along. it feels indescribably awe-inspiring to be part of God's kingdom movement as an answered prayer, as a prayer warrior, as a servant.

this. this is where my heart lies. in the midst of His work, using my talents and skills to please Him by loving on others, by helping others -- instead of trying to mold myself into another brainless hack that has no dreams, no joy, no passions.

"He works in the deep and hidden things when others are concerned with mere appearances. We have been the subjects of a great deal of secret, unseen, underground work. The LORD has spent upon us a world of care." -Spurgeon

sidenotes;

my hair :)

to red: food first

heart of glass, concluding remarks

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It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:7

i'm free from you

i'm free from you in me

i'm free-

this is where god has led and i refuse to continue to subjugate myself under unwarranted, obligatory loyalty. any residue of that is simply that: residue. residue of my memories. memories from a year of emotional annihilation and reconstruction. and now i'm tempted to be overwhelmed by the fear that grips my soul, by the contempt that i foresee myself tempted to dabble in. my porcupine spines made of splintered fragments. head first into the beautiful fray, i suppose? God is good. God redeems.

teach me to trust because i forgot again
because as much as i delude myself into thinking i am an emotional stronghold during these transition periods, it seems that i fail to realize how fragile i am. i underestimate the elasticity of heartstrings that can, at any given moment, ice over. perhaps i am more hyper aware than others of our fragility. or perhaps i am an anomaly. third time's the charm?

-to be vulnerable
to be sweetly broken
to be all the while, whole
so joyfully whole

the journey;
heart of glass
frankenstein
pocketwatch

sidenotes;

it is good to be at home -- in the company of hilarious siblings & a wise mother, with an abundance of home cooked foods and the warmth of my enveloping bed
also my mommy just disqualified everything in ten minutes lololol

crossroads, naivety flashback

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this is the most critical crossroads thus far in my life. it's exhilarating and nerve wracking; i am full of joy and fear -- the road ahead is so frustratingly foggy but i will fearlessly step forth knowing that although i can't see, He most definitely sees all things. good things are to come. rabid world, come at me.

"Remember this, Christian, and let it comfort thee. However difficult and painful thy road, it is marked by the footsteps of thy Saviour; and even when thou reachest the dark valley of the shadow of death, and the deep waters of the swelling Jordan, thou wilt find his footprints there. In all places whithersoever we go, he has been our forerunner; each burden we have to carry, has once been laid on the shoulders of Immanuel."

"Christian, meditate much on heaven. It will help you to press on and to forget the toil of the way. This vale of tears is but the pathway to the better country. This world of woe is but the stepping-stone to a world of bliss." -Spurgeon

[naivety]

sidenotes;
quivering, thrumming
welcome to the beautiful war of my life

EDIT//
can i just freaking be a hermit
i just stress ate all my frustration
my tummy's in a stupid knot

untimely collision

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i have never felt more inexplicably swayed in my life -- at least, not that i remember. it's an untimely collision of tugging and yes's and no's and pro's and con's. it's me, wrestling against the temptation to somehow stumble upon peace and conviction through objectification, rationalization and compartmentalization. it's the lack of a cookie cutter guideline that i am so inclined towards because it is comfortable and reliable. it's the fear of i donno, everything. it's the memory of smiles, both stale and fresh, bitter, fearfully sweet, moving, painful, thoroughly confusing; my memory, again, thus serves its mischievous purpose in my wallflower mind. but as i give power to this gaggle of inarticulate sentiments through words, i must duly say this:

i will choose to gaze upon You and acknowledge once again that You are good. You are faithful -- sometimes frighteningly but entirely majestically so. You love me with a tender, passionate, empowering, radical, extravagant love. You see all in my life and You work all things for good in my life. there are no mistakes in Your handiwork and Your giant fingerprints are everywhere--so much so that, if i were to have some sort of spiritual infrared goggles, it would be hilarious because i would see more of your fingerprints than of my life circumstances. i will be still before Your majesty and i will allow perfect love to cast out all fear. let me no longer diminish Your power by fretting over things that haven't happened, over hypothetical situations i obsessively entertain in my imagination. this i ask by the empowering of the boldness from the Holy Spirit, who dwells in me and makes this untimely collision entirely intentional and timely and beautiful and good.

sidenotes;

i am kersplat hear me roar

sojourning in a garden

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anchor me with roots unbreakable;
because if your eyes keep smiling i will-
lead, for i am made to follow and
smile my way into your garden;
if you pursue i will melt incapably
but stumbling my way about the wildflowers
in a limbo, in a trap of living heartstrings
with no path or light or voice
that need to be set right and planted
and i'll need you to speak light and guide me home
into leafy strongholds and royally adorned flowers
where i am yours, sojourning warriors both
crafted and designed as petallike reflections of the greatest love
fashioned and called and marked and loved by the greatest love

sidenotes;
i have never felt more intricately conflicted before
can i be a hermit plz

outside time

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"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This love; not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God: but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us...love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:9-12, 17-19

something i look forward to is the moment i am, finally, enveloped in the embrace of He who loves me. He will tell me all the things He did for me behind the scenes of my earthly life, and i will, at the sheer wonder of it all, want to melt and laugh and cry and sing at the same time. i will know that He oversaw every moment of my life with painstakingly loving detail. He knew that i, for some inexplicable reason, love the poetic, soothing, and joyful emotions that rainy fridays evoke in me. He'll tell me that He knew all that i wrestled with in 2013, from the outrage over racial injustice in 21st century america to the strange year of blistering silence. & what constantly blows my mind, is that since He lives outside of time, He sees me as a perfect bride already and He also sees all the events leading to my birth as well as all the parts in between. i'm having trouble deciding what adjectives and tenses to use, because He is even outside the bounds of articulate and comprehensible language. and He not only has a thriving storehouse of intertwining plans for me, He has that for everyone in this world. what an awesome, awesome God we serve, who was, is, and will ever be.

on another note, was i perhaps too rash when i said what i said in april
does this count as a promise before god or was it void in my stupidity
god help me

sidenotes;
my eczema spot looks like a zombie heart
i have twelve freaking pairs of shoes?
i have been listening to gorillaz & sea wolf 24/7
i have an aversion to her use of font sizes for emphasis (even though i used to do this on xanga) but i love this: Protect Her Purity

things i want to do: amnesty intl internship
ucdc aip law/justice internship

sweet nothings

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you spoke of tender sweet nothings
i speak of soured nothings and tender festerings
and of undying hope deferred
it won't die--why won't it die
we made hearts sick and i'm sorry
that i-who are you again?
self appointed connoisseur of my heart?
i beg to differ, i beg for words,
i beg, this silence is killing me

sidenotes;
i am entirely grateful that God is a God of reconciliation and redemption and justice and mercy
but am still wrestling and confused and hurt
i met you in 2011

gratitude

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sometimes i am sorely tempted to claim presumptuously and dramatically that i am "well acquainted with the night." this week has been a blur of perturbing ups and downs: my anxiety at rigoberto's, my apartment mate's unexplained return home, my room mate's family pain, losing my ID card, losing my sociology notes, hearing his name over and over this week, getting feverish last night.

but by His grace, i feel the knot in my heart melting away by the remembrance of His love and faithfulness. i am left with an overwhelming sense of peace and gratitude and there is little else i want to do but continue reading for my wonderfully thought-provoking/eye-opening/mind-blowing classes, bake muffins, and hug everyone.

nothing happened at rigoberto's -- although afterwards, my sinful propensity towards self-pity was humbled by an encouraging email i received. my apartment mate returned and i realized that my fears were largely unfounded. i am so thankful that i get to walk through life with my roomie. i found my ID card in my jacket pocket, i restored my sociology notes, and i am no longer sick. God has given me so much joy in baking for people and every time a stranger smiles or says hi, my heart can't help but feel uplifted. God is so good to me a;ksjd;f < 3 it is well with my soul.

It is good to praise the Lord

and make music to your name, O Most High,

proclaiming your love in the morning

and your faithfulness at night,

For you make me glad by your deeds, Lord;

I sing for joy at what your hands have done.

How great are your works, Lord,

how profound your thoughts!

The righteous will flourish like a palm tree,

they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon;

planted in the house of the Lord,

they will flourish in the courts of our God.

They will still bear fruit in old age,

they will stay fresh and green,

proclaiming, “The Lord is upright;

he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him.”
Psalm 92:1-2, 4-5, 12-15

sidenotes;
to bake: carrot cream cheese muffins, blueberry streusel muffins, chocolate banana muffins :)

from the mind of a fictional hopeless romantic

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"she was an unremarkable girl with mahogany rimmed glasses sitting near the window of the local coffee shop. i wish i could read minds and maybe hear the music she was swaying to. sometimes she was entirely engaged in the book in front of her, and other times she was  leisurely scanning the room over the rim of her mug of english breakfast tea, drinking in details of passerby's with what i like to imagine as an unbridled curiosity.

'here is your coffee, sir.'

i entertained the idea of a conversation and quickly dismissed it. i was, by no means, as charming as i would like to imagine. i wondered at the enthusiasm she might effuse with every word, and facetiously convinced myself that i would thereupon be enthralled by that contagious enthusiasm, even if she liked something i disliked.

but after a minute of aimless meanderings in my imagined world, i remembered the latte i had yet to make.

'just a moment, ma'm!'

she was but a stranger -- although, no longer just unremarkable in my overactive imagination. i continued about my day and she left the coffee shop. perhaps, tomorrow."

sidenotes;
/being facetious in a perpetual state of suspension on a rainy friday

this post meant nothing. i blame it on the trippy indie music and the melodramatically enigmatic quotations on tumblr. also because i wanted to use the words "unremarkable" and "unbridled" and "effuse" and "facetious". i also want to use the words "dismantle" and "disenfranchise" and "belittle" and "deign" and "detrimental" and "vie"
sometimes i wonder what goes on in the minds of teenage romance novel writers. they are either brilliantly sneaky and know how to target teenagers or they are incredibly and stupidly still teenagers at heart. it cracks me up srsly. because if i lived in a romance novel i would probably be that snarky random in chapter 2 that the author would kill off

life is great. i donno why i am so amused
also i did absolutely nothing today

God of justice

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in any other life, i very well may have been a depressed and disillusioned writer.

how did those professing christians sleep at night knowing they have looked upon the eyes of a human, determined him a beast, and tore his back to shreds? how did those nazi doctors convince themselves it was perfectly noble to embed shards of glass into a child's arm? how did the u.s. government fail miserably to blink in the face of torture as they lied and said they would heal them of "bad blood" when in reality, they were intentionally injecting syphilis strands? how did the bankers of wallstreet get away with billions after lying to an entire country?

i feel entirely insufficient and inarticulate a writer to give words to the outrage i feel in my gut. how do i reconcile the desire for justice and the potentially inevitable cloud of disillusionment? God, have mercy.

i can't do anything but fall helplessly to my knees knowing that You see all this and infinitely more; You see men's hearts and You see all the brokenness. woe to those who know not the fury they pile on their heads. God, have mercy.

sidenotes;
it is a rainy friday!
i really want to bake a carrot cake. & a mini pie.
blogspot facelift :)

updated book list:
the human condition, hannah arendt
discipline and punish, michele foucault
mirrored reflections by chloe sun
let me be a woman by elisabeth elliot
freedom + boundaries by kevin deyoung
prayer, richard j. foster

of wallflowers and fearfulness

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my memory accumulates faces, overheard conversations, secret smiles i am not privy to.

i feel as if i am determined to look away from this large gaping pit, as if by peripheral vision i could deny its existence and by enabling others to fight their monsters, i could starve mine into weakness. but it is determined to have my attention, this bothersome something in my heart. i am not so strong as i would like to delude the world into thinking. i am a coward.

because when he said he betrayed his friends and his conscience to be there, in my heart he was no longer there.

"how are you?" they say: and i imagine that i see past it, perhaps because i don't trust their intentions, or that these three words reek of shallow conversation, or that i deny anyone the opportunity to help bear this heaviness, or that i find it unnecessary to add to their's.

i am captive of the fear i beget in  my own mind because i speak of authenticity until it has become falsehood. and this is when my chest caves in.

if you tell me to leave, i just might. do you know how you hurt me so? but i suppose i don't know either

/being a melodramatic writer

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say "It is well" -I Will Rise, Chris Tomlin

sidenotes;

peace, He said
can i just eat cereal and milk and ice cream all day

mephibosheth

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on 2 samuel 9; david & mephibosheth

"i. David’s grace to Mephibosheth is a wonderful picture of God’s grace to us. We are Mephibosheth.

·        We are hiding, poor, weak, lame, and fearful before our King comes to us
·        We are separated from our King because of our wicked ancestors
·        We are separated from our King because of our deliberate actions
·        We separated ourselves from the King because we didn't know him or His love for us
·        Our King sought us out before we sought Him
·        The King's kindness is extended to us for the sake of another
·        The King's kindness is based on covenant
·        We must receive the King's kindness in humility
·        The King returns to us what we lost in hiding from Him
·        The King returns to us more than what we lost in hiding from Him
·        We have the privilege of provision at the King's table
·        We are received as sons at the King's table, with access to the King and fellowship with Him
·        We receive servants from the King
·        The King's honor does not immediately take away all our weakness and lameness, but it gives us a favor and standing that overcomes its sting and changes the way we think about ourselves

ii. David's grace to Mephibosheth is also a pattern for us in serving and ministering to others. We are David.

·        We should seek out our enemies and seek to bless them
·        We should look for the poor, weak, lame, and hidden to bless them
·        We should bless others when they don't deserve it, and bless them more than they deserve
·        We should bless others for the sake of someone else
·        W must show the kindness of God to others"
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sidenotes;

discovering wounds

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sometimes the quietness of my apartment becomes suffocating and i imagine my chest caving in. there is little else i can muster energy to do besides curl up in bed and pityingly eat hazelnut mascarpone ice cream. stare at my freezing hands. listen to my breathing.


when i see your faces i feel my heart ignore my objecting cry as it crumbles to pieces. & as i listen to you laugh in the face of certain death and watch you toiling as lord of your dying world, i am tempted hug my knees until they bruise as if by brute strength i could somehow alleviate this anguish or perhaps hold my heart together in some sort of discernible order.


also you are a blind spot in my vision that i don't know how to resolve without inadvertently bringing harm to myself
because it hurts to grieve a living person i don't know anymore
someone tell me it was worth it because i can't convince myself over these gaping wounds i didn't know existed


sidenotes;
i donno

fears, jono mccleery
i don't trust myself, john mayer
someone to watch over me, amy winehouse

relationships

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today at church i found myself testing the dangerous waters of discontentment and self-righteous entitlement. i was disgusted by myself. here is just a poignant pondering:

the young adult/high school christian culture today sees relationships strangely because now society tells everyone that:

1) soul mates exist

2) soul mate must be yearned for

and even for the self titled realist with an aversion to the "hopeless romantic" route, society somehow says that:
1) everyone is entitled to a relationship (as if a relationship is some kind of reward thing? what did you do to deserve a person? what are you, a slave master? wat.)
2) you'll find someone compatible to you

but those assumptions lead to

1) unrightfully over-romanticizing relationships & unhealthy fantasizing

2) idolizing relationships
3) forgetting what God made people for -- to worship Him, bring glory to Him, love Him, be loved by Him

therefore christians today are all confused when it comes to:

1) college

2) relationships

because culture tells us these are of utmost importance. but the bible says nothing, except for restricting marriage to believers. which either means that:

1) God doesn't care

2) God doesn't want us to idolize these things

and by process of elimination the first doesn't make any sense.

so my conclusion is that God wants us to surrender everything to him including our hunger/greed for a relationship, because innate in that desire is actually a sinful desire to be a little god (aka to be worshiped by someone in the form of love). and when He deems it right, He will orchestrate accordingly and that relationship will bring glory to Him and not to the humans. we can also rest assured knowing that He sees our hearts, that He is sanctifying us, and that He loves us so very much.

i am once again reminded to honor my brothers' integrity by meticulously and continuously examining my own heart, because as a daughter of Eve, i am, like her, sinfully prone to manipulation and self-idolatry.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14

I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. Psalm 119:11

sidenotes;
1) hohum god is good to me even though i am dumb sometimes
i have a lot to learn about how God redeems relationships because it hurts to see my brothers and sisters hurt each other, or to see my sisters be manipulative, or to see my brothers not lead intentionally.
but i can rest assured in knowing that He is a God of redemption. He is such a good God who has so very extravagantly proven His heart for redeeming and reconciling us through Christ's sacrifice.

2) also indecisive people or perpetually absent-minded people make me really frustrated, sorry lol
deepen my understanding of Your grace towards me so that 1) i may feel anguish for people and love on them with grace and patience and 2) that i may kill the source of frustration which is unquestionably and simply my un-Christlike attitude towards people who bother me--as if i am somehow the center of the world. because i am most definitely, not.

3) forever wallflower

mulberry trees

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And when you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the balsam trees, then rouse yourself, for then the LORD has gone out before you to strike down the army of the Philistines. 2 Samuel 5:24


"As the Rabbis have it, and it is a very pretty conceit if it be true, the footsteps of angels walking along the tops of the mulberry trees make them rustle; that was the sign for them to fight, when God’s cherubim were going with them, when they should come, who can walk through the clouds and fly through the air, led by the great Captain himself, walking along the mulberry trees, and so make a rustle by their celestial footsteps...

There are times, you know, 'when thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees.' You have a peculiar power in prayer; the Spirit of God gives you joy and gladness; the Scripture is open to you; the promises are applied; you walk in the light of God's countenance, and his candle shines about your head; you have peculiar freedom and liberty in devotion; perhaps you have got less to attend to in the world and more closeness of communion with Christ than you used to have. Now is the time; now, when you hear the 'sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees.' Now is the time to bestir yourselves; now is the time to get rid of any evil habit that still remains now is the season in which God the Spirit is with you." -Spurgeon

"How is it that such supernatural directions and assistance are not communicated now? Because they are not asked for; and they are not asked for because they are not expected; and they are not expected because  men have not faith; and they have not faith because they are under a refined spirit of atheism  and have no spiritual intercourse with their Maker." -Adam Clarke

"-Do not murmur at your busyness or the shortness of time, but buy up the time all around.
-Never exaggerate duties by seeming to suffer under the load, but treat all responsibilities as liberty and gladness.
-Never call attention to crowded work or trivial experiences.
-Before confrontation or censure, obtain from God a real love for the one at fault. Know the facts; be generous in your judgment. Otherwise, how ineffective, how unintelligible or perhaps provocative your well-intentioned censure may be.
-Never allow yourself to be placed in favorable contrast with anyone.
-Archbishop Benson" -Spiritual Leadership, J. Oswald Sanders

sidenotes;
mm it is good to be back in sd

it helps in all circumstances to remember how God sees me: He sees me not just in 2013, but throughout my whole life. He sees all the change and sees me as a perfect bride, made perfect for eternal fellowship with Him via a lifelong of sanctification by discipline and guidance from His loving hands.

peets hibiscus tea, john mayer, sociology + lit reading on a crisp sunday afternoon :)

change

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relient k's mmhmm album was the first taste of music i encountered. i was twelve. rock, christian rock, alternative: sanctus real, tenth avenue north, phil wickham, superchick. i struggled through middle school and grappled with bitterness and all the angst that accompanies the wonderful age of thirteen, all the while finding confused refuge in the christian rock music. it was good, clean, loud music.

and then i was fifteen, and i stumbled upon the most endearing, happy music yet: piano pop. joy williams, ingrid michaelson, jess penner, colbie caillat, regina spektor. it was still comforting music because it was predictable and happy and it lifted the corners of my lips in the midst of studying for apush (a class i blatantly nicknamed uni's "hell").

and then at sixteen years, i heard john mayer's voice and my music life was forever changed. i fell head over heels for blues and jazz and crooning voices. i found corinne bailey rae, jamie cullum, norah jones, michael buble, jack johnson, jason mraz. their music accompanied me through college paperwork.

then all of a sudden, i was an eighteen year old college student sitting in my room listening to indie music to shut out the clamor of hormonal conversation outside my door. it was kings of convenience, bombay bicycle club, young the giant, gungor, monsters calling home. i heard their music accompanying memories of the person who made my freshman year so very unexpectedly different and sweet and painful.

and as i was gathering my breath and wits and broken pieces i found myself being healed and loved by Him, sitting at home after a fast sophomore fall quarter, looking ahead to winter quarter. 1:30am, wrapped in blankets, blowing on frozen fingers, listening to music i would never have imagined liking as a twelve year old, a fifteen year old, a sixteen year old, an eighteen year old. now the rabbits have the gun and the paper kites added themselves to the indie music, but i also found a strange love for downtempo and when i rediscovered as tall as lions, i fell into the deep end with trifonic and stateless and six parts seven and snowmine and the xx and kye kye.

the one thing consistent through all of this change, however, is this contagious eagerness that bubbles up inside of me when i listen to the music. the other beautiful thing is that God sees all of the change. He sees everything from my evolving music taste to the tears i shed in my eighth grade algebra class to the confusion i grappled with last year. He sees. He loves. and it's so wonderful to trace everything back to His faithfulness, for He is the source of all things good.

sidenotes;
okay seriously, i can't even.
i love stateless & six parts seven & snowmine right now omgosh.
this has definitely been a season of basking in how He is sovereign in my life and how He loves me and how He knows me