twelve

your presence, quiet
your absence, deafening
in joy i pause
to cast my gaze and find that
in your wake i've made me

can i outrun
the grief in my limbs?
it is my bones

every year
i write to give life
to the turmoil death left
a blinking dash
morse for words i know not


every year i try to write something and i end up with unpublished drafts. today i rode my bike and remembered that he ran while we biked. i looked for flowers to press but didn't find any that reminded me of him. i read a book in the bookstore and remembered that he took us to b&n on weekends and it was one of my favorite things to do. he drove us after some rounds of chemo, too. i made mac & cheese with broccoli because i remember that he liked it. i drew a portrait of him and watched coco because i like that dia de los muertos celebrates life and memory.

this time every year, i am contradiction. i want to be alone but i also don't. i want people to know but i also don't. i don't know if i want to grieve in public or in private; is it worse to feel sad and alone where no one can see you or where people who don't know you can see you? especially this year, i laugh because i chose a person who makes me laugh; but shortly after i cry because we cannot laugh with you. or you with us. is there a difference between me missing you and you missing me? do the years make it easier or harder? am i closer to you or further?

fall check in

aug

-plants with michael
-first couples therapy session
-processed fullerton & mater dei
-e starts nursing school

sept

-processed santa ana
-started subbing more
-making guava jam
-dog sit magnus & valla
-lots of conflicts
-liking la vista
-interesting to see different schools and see educational inequity unfold
-invited to design for ucla gseis

oct

-fancy bridal shower for nanor
-finally cleaned living room
-spoke for cohort 4 and visited my students
-processing for anaheim
-started ucr design class