twelve

your presence, quiet
your absence, deafening
in joy i pause
to cast my gaze and find that
in your wake i've made me

can i outrun
the grief in my limbs?
it is my bones

every year
i write to give life
to the turmoil death left
a blinking dash
morse for words i know not


every year i try to write something and i end up with unpublished drafts. today i rode my bike and remembered that he ran while we biked. i looked for flowers to press but didn't find any that reminded me of him. i read a book in the bookstore and remembered that he took us to b&n on weekends and it was one of my favorite things to do. he drove us after some rounds of chemo, too. i made mac & cheese with broccoli because i remember that he liked it. i drew a portrait of him and watched coco because i like that dia de los muertos celebrates life and memory.

this time every year, i am contradiction. i want to be alone but i also don't. i want people to know but i also don't. i don't know if i want to grieve in public or in private; is it worse to feel sad and alone where no one can see you or where people who don't know you can see you? especially this year, i laugh because i chose a person who makes me laugh; but shortly after i cry because we cannot laugh with you. or you with us. is there a difference between me missing you and you missing me? do the years make it easier or harder? am i closer to you or further?

fall check in

aug

-plants with michael
-first couples therapy session
-processed fullerton & mater dei
-e starts nursing school

sept

-processed santa ana
-started subbing more
-making guava jam
-dog sit magnus & valla
-lots of conflicts
-liking la vista
-interesting to see different schools and see educational inequity unfold
-invited to design for ucla gseis

oct

-fancy bridal shower for nanor
-finally cleaned living room
-spoke for cohort 4 and visited my students
-processing for anaheim
-started ucr design class

july checkin

-hot pot with rainbow squad
-chernobyl with demy and jon
-signed up for ceramics class
-signed up for PT
-tramway with sender friends
-ucla lc still wants me on as graphic design consultant!
-babysat the hoffmanns
-sequoia trip
-gardening!

june check in

-last week of school; cried a lot, laughed a lot, had closure with my students
-bridal shower!
-renewed my license and retook my picture lol thank goodness
-presented my thesis
-graduated!
-prepped for wedding decorations for two weeks
-got married!
-best month

may check in

-last month of teaching

-alicia graduated!

-ethnic studies students presented their YPAR projects

april check in

-feeling better about teaching
-spring break:
saturday: hair/makeup, pokemon go with aries & gloria, demy bday dinner with baby caden
sunday: bum in bed, study outside; buy skincare, wedding plan; ask emmanuel about april 27, lesson plan at demy's/watch got, Mary Poppins, spiderverse
monday: beach with michael and planning at paris baguette
tuesday: donate bottles, study at OCC, run 2.8 mile, write thesis stuff
wednesday: visit uni teachers, work on thesis at woodbridge center cha for tea, sit in sun for a bit, get groceries, hangout with gloria, run 1 mile, climb, watch kdrama episode 1 of Her Private Life
thursday: cook pasta with emmanuel, cut his hair, study, alicia
friday: study, gas, groceries

-watched avengers
-esther's last overflow concert
-tender greens with demy, ramen with rainbow squad

march check in

-picked up my dress
-got my shoes
-made the invitations
-finished website and sent out invites
-baby shower for caden
-worked on a fun v6 at la boulders; trying to return to climbing when i can
-still struggling everyday/week. this fog is debilitating
-looking forward to seeing joshua

-unit wwi (people's experiences) and unit russian revolution going well
-some students still ass holes
-most students not
-on good days, i feel purposeful and fulfilled. on bad days, i want to quit

feb check in

-fighting inadequacy, powerlessness, frustration, under-appreciation all day
-some things i'm thinking about: what does it mean to be "good enough" - instead of perfect; how can i rest restfully to sustain myself for the long run
-i am not my anxiety or depression
-soon this will be over
-i am not my productivity or lack thereof
-maybe i should "look back and celebrate" instead of "look forward and be terrified"

jan check in

-depression during winter break
-bad anxiety week 1
-strike for 6 days, got to sleep better at night
-going back to teaching, switched naydelyn out. got new students. still anxious.
-new mantras "just get through the day" and "just be good enough"