randoms

source


“Every time I catch myself trying to figure out other people's motives, I'll stop and ask myself: "What did I say or do that prompted the action? Why did I react to it as I did? Does what happened make a major difference to me, or am I making something big out of a trifle?"
Leave off that excessive desire of knowing; therein is found much distraction There are many things the knowledge of which is of little or no profit to the soul.” 
-Thomas Kempis

sidenotes;
mm, this this this. be still, o my heart.
currently listening: blue fire & ariel by stateless
currently reading: on keeping the heart by flavel
currently making: flyers for harvest

gonna eat peruvian food with cacahead tomorrow. so freaking excited !!

the weight of glory

source

"If one was not really to blame then there is nothing to forgive… what we call ‘asking God’s forgiveness’ very often really consists in asking God to accept our excuses… We are so very anxious to point these [‘extenuating circumstances’] out to God (and to ourselves) that we are apt to forget the really important thing; that is, the bit left over, the bit which the excuses don’t cover, the bit which is inexcusable but not, thank God, unforgivable. And if we forget this, we shall go away imagining that we have repented and been forgiven when all that has really happened is that we have satisfied ourselves with our own excuses…

Real forgiveness means looking steadily at the sin, the sin that is left over without any excuse, after all allowances have been made, and seeing it in all its horror, dirt, meanness, and malice, and nevertheless being wholly reconciled to the man who has done it. That, and only that, is forgiveness, and that we can always have from God if we ask for it...

...How God thinks of us is not only more important, but infinitely more important. Indeed, how we think of Him is of no importance except insofar as it is related to how He thinks of us.

To please God… to be a real ingredient in the divine happiness… to be loved by God, not merely pitied, but delighted in as an artist delights in his work or a father in a son- it seems impossible, a weight or burden of glory which our thoughts can hardly sustain. But so it is.

“He claims all, because He is love and must bless. He cannot bless us unless He has us. When we try to keep within us an area that is our own, we try to keep an area of death. Therefore, in love, He claims all. There’s no bargaining with Him...He will be infinitely merciful to our repeated failures; I know no promise that He will accept a deliberate compromise. For He has, in the last resort, nothing to give us but Himself; and He can give that only insofar as our self-affirming will retires and makes room for Him in our souls.

“If you have not chosen the Kingdom of God, it will make in the end no difference what you have chosen instead.” Those are hard words to take. Will it really make no difference whether it was women or patriotism, cocaine or art, whisky or a seat in the Cabinet, money or science? Well, surely no difference that matters. We shall have missed the end for which we are formed and rejected the only thing that satisfies. Does it matter to a man dying in a desert by which choice of route he missed the only well?

I do not think any efforts of my own will can end once and for all this craving for limited liabilities, this fatal reservation. Only God can. I have good faith and hope He will. Of course, I don’t mean that I can therefore, as they say, “sit back.” What God does for us, He does in us. The process of doing it will appear to me (and not falsely) to be the daily or hourly repeated exercises of my own will in renouncing this attitude, especially each morning, for it grows all over me like a new shell each night. Failures will be forgiven; it is acquiescence that is fatal, the permitted, regularised presence of an area in ourselves which we still claim for our own.  We may never, this side of death, drive the invader out of our territory, but we must be in the Resistance, not in the Vichy government. And this, so far as I can yet see, must be begun again every day."
-The Weight of Glory, C.S. Lewis

sidenotes;
last few hours of the quarter. lezdothis
"the path of sanctification must avoid two pitfalls: legalism and passivity." source

finish reading:
sex is not the problem (lust is), joshua harris;
cost of discipleship, dietrich bonhoeffer;
bonhoeffer: pastor, martyr, prophet, spy, eric metaxas;
victory over the darkness, neil anderson
weight of glory, c.s. lewis

object of contemplation

source

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8

A bruised reed shall not break and the smoking flax shall he not quench; Isaiah 42:3

Keep your heart with all diligence for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6

those "who are compared to a 'reed', because worthless with respect to God, whom they cannot profit; and in the view of men, who reckon them as nothing; and in themselves, and in their own view, who judge themselves unworthy of the least of mercies; and because they are weak, not only as all men are, of which weakness they are sensible; but they are weak in grace, especially in faith, and have but little hope, their love is the strongest; and because they are wavering like the reed, tossed to and fro with every wind of doctrine, and shaken with the temptations of Satan, and disturbed with many doubts and fears; and are like a 'bruised' reed that is squeezed, and almost broke to pieces, and so of no use; these are broken in heart, under a sense of sin and unworthiness; whose spirits are bruised and wounded with it, and whose hearts are contrite on account of it. On these Christ does not lay his iron rod, but holds out the golden sceptre of his grace to them; he does not call them to service and sufferings beyond their strength; but strengthens, supports, and upholds them with the right hand of his righteousness; he binds up their broken hearts, having poured in the balm of Gilead, his own blood, and the wine and oil of his love; he encourages them in their application to him for salvation, and manifests his pardoning grace, and restores comforts to them, and revives their souls." [ John Gill exposition ]

"I will beg my way into your garden

I will break my way out when it rains"

sometimes i am prone to fretting over hypothetical situations because i don't want "that" to happen again. i fret over my intentions and their intentions and unwittingly misplace my focus away from the peace i can have by focusing on my soul's purposed Object of contemplation.

but is there ever an "again"? wouldn't i be objectifying and sinning against them by assuming certain things and adjusting my behavior accordingly? or would it be sinning if i did nothing? sin has left its crimson stain but christ has washed me white as snow. & this is why i must "turn my eyes upon jesus, and the things of this earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace." the more i gaze upon Him and His incomparable might and His love for me, the more my fears are chased willy nilly away by His perfect love. the more i focus on the fact that He is the one who is working in me, the less i have to worry that my failures will destroy His wonderful work. the more i etch onto my heart the knowledge of the reality of my identity in Christ as His beloved bride, the more i can rest assured as i dwell in His house forever.

clothe me in strength and dignity
crown me with love and compassion
give me dove's eyes & create in me a pure heart

sidenotes;
people i am thankful for:

-slai, for the ochem day-long sessions & your patience & graciousness, & the bajillion rides to&from campus... and your superhero apartment

-jliu, for ever fearlessly, candidly, & lovingly speaking truth

-aliu, the tozer email and the care package with my favorite chocolate & honest tea

-jwong, telling me to “speedy gonzales” it & making me laugh

-jlee, telling me to smack physics in the face by passing it & that i’m not a burden & that how physics makes me feel doesn’t define me

-ekim, for letting me cook breakfast for you and for making me proud in the hum essay

-jlim, for having a roomie dinner date with me and for being vulnerable with me and for trusting me

-e2ho, for webcamming me and watching me be a prideful crybaby

-pferido, for revamping accountability. ily!
-slo, mmm, for trusting me, for being you.
-mlin, for your honest sharing and for being my photo buddy

also thankful for the beautiful rainy day yesterday & the magenta/purple sunset


sometimes it unnerves me how much some people know about me & random stuff i like... that either means i talk about myself too much, or that they remember things they don't need to remember, or that i'm an open book, or... iono. i ought to just accept their kindess with grace & not insult their kindness by playing mind games, huh. iono

thought trains

source

thought train #1) was it not we who chose other things over Him? is His love not like a Father's -- eager for reconciliation, willing to punish & correct & discipline, desirous of holiness & perfection & ultimately intimacy with His beloved children?

thought train #2) to what extent are my emotions dehumanized and belittled and justified away by hormones? modern culture seems to do everything it can to disassociate science from God; to dehumanize emotions and subjectivity and therefore "God," when in reality God is the source of all things objective and wonderful and absolute and truthful and scientific.

thought train #3) the topic of sin is weighing heavy on my heart this quarter and it makes me forget how much You love me, how much You love humanity, how frighteningly, strangely, and wonderfully good, merciful, gracious, and compassionate you are. may i never lose the wonder of the cross.

thought train #4) is it not more compassionate to listen? to let someone know their struggles are valid and that the King of the universe saw our helplessness as so worthy a cause as to torture His own son for hours on the cross? *saving us from our brokenness was not the  main purpose though; He wants to glorify Himself: that does not necessarily mean His desire for His glory is mutually exclusive from His love for us. mm, trying to figure out how to verbally reconcile His glorification and His love for us.

thought train #5) fill my cup, for i am enamored and awestruck by the endless possibilities of your glorious revelations as the King and Creator of all. there is much in this world that screams of Your handiwork. thank you for letting me delight in these academic disciplines. thank you for creating me with a love of creating.

thought train #6) i often entertain many ideas and hopes and dreams only to stir myself up into an overexcited flurry. help me rest in the knowledge that You know better.

sidenotes;
i just spent four hours doing laundry, making lunch, eating lunch, & journaling. i don't even know how... gotta get "crackalackin'" on my finals studying.
soy milk + brown sugar & cinnamon oatmeal with ripe bananas :)
can't wait until i finish my chocolate almond butter so i can buy chocolate hazelnut butter mmmm
thankful for the sisters in my life
slightly apprehensive for tw
sociology is like the underlying matrix of the world (*exaggerate) guhhh so cool
i stress ate so much chocolate this week
i wonder if i can pull of a pixie cut :/
mmmmmmmmm freshly laundered comforter is toasty warm

pondering sin

source

does being upset & frustrated equate to discontentment and thus to sinning? is anxiety a sin? how do i emotionally give praise to You in times of frustration? is that even reasonable? to what extent are we willing doers of evil and thus entirely responsible for sin? to what extent are we passive victims of the curse of sinfulness? is it necessary to ponder the extent of responsibility if we entirely deserve His righteous wrath? do we really consist of two natures warring against each other? is there some sort of percentage bar that shows increasing godliness as we are more conformed into His image, and is there an accompanying decreasing bar for sinfulness?

how can you tell me i am sinning when i feel my throat closing, my insides turning, my head throbbing -- all because i cannot understand physics? how is that sinning? is depression sin? is grief sin? is frustration sin?

i must be missing something here. tell me where i got it wrong.

/merely rambling

sidenotes;
it's week 10 and i've already lost a large portion of my already dwindling motivation
things to ponder:
"show me your glory" exodus 33
"make a snake and put it on a pole, and whoever looks at it will live" numbers 21
"instead, speak the truth in love so that we may grow up in all things in Him who is Head, that is Christ" eph 4:15
eagerly desire spiritual gifts?

lord may this heartbreaking compassion not become a burden

still on my to read list: cost of discipleship by bonhoeffer, mirrored reflections by chloe sun, let me be a woman by elisabeth elliot, freedom + boundaries by kevin deyoung, prayer by richard j foster

i just made my mommy's signature chinese sesame + ginger chicken noodle soup & am savoring it while listening to sway by carissa rae/michael alvarado, christmas song by jayesslee, & let it snow by gabe bondoc/kina grannis -- i would rather be learning guitar chords, cooking, writing stories, & drawing rather than doing this physics homework on this crisp december afternoon in ever sunny la jolla. it sure would be nice to share this moment with someone. with you. there are so many people i miss. i miss home. there are heavier things weighing on my heart, heavier things i am unsure of how to articulate; but there is a lingering light on the horizon of a hope of good things to come. show me your glory.