processing vulnerability i

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i seem to have a vast, churning internal world that i allow few people to fully access. it is hugely disconnected from my external world, and connecting these two worlds is a fragile bridge which i guard fiercely by trumpeted principles of "intentional investment" and "proven trust" and "introversion." while i love the way God has created my temperament, and while i am able to sit in my inner world (able to process), i am largely unaware of how to welcome others (who haven't "proven" themselves) into this space - & idk when this is required or if it even is required. the turmoil consumes substantial energy and leaves my muscles for movement between the inner and the outer atrophied. in other words, i not only have a difficult time communicating with others that i need company to cross the bridge, but i also have a difficult time communicating when company becomes a threat. in the first situation i find that i shut down and wallow in self-pity. in the second situation i find that i shut down and quiver in my bomb shelter of "duty" that shouts down my own needs in order to meet the needs of the friend (unintentional threat?) knocking at (stomping cluelessly on?) my bridge.

it is also easier to be retrospectively vulnerable by way of presenting nicely packaged stories of brokenness and healing than it is to be concurrently vulnerable by way of digging up messiness, airing it to communities of faith, wincing from the expectation of backlash, and receiving the confounding gift of acceptance and grace.

now, all that being said, i can content myself in embracing my God-crafted temperament, processing style, and needs. however, i need to practice my atrophied muscles and frequent that bridge. also i am falling asleep as i type this soooo lol

sidenotes;

mer

anchor: God's ministry

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i am reflecting upon my work on campus and in class in many layers - today we we talked about the difference between scholar activism and scholar advocacy. we talked about the interconnectedness of scholarship (theory) and activism/advocacy (praxis) -- that the two are heavily interdependent. using a middle passage analogy, we mentioned how activism allows one to break the chains, but theory directs attention to how to steer the ship. who is steering it? where is it going? we mentioned how advocacy says "i have the answer" and attempts to change people's minds, but activism says "i don't have the answer" and engages self transformation and societal transformation. i imagine advocacy as a middle ground between personal theory formation (first part of activism) and collective application/response (second part of activism).

in this sense, i am engaging in all three levels.

the level most salient in my heart at the moment is the personal level and the subsequent desire to share this with my peers. i am acutely aware in this season of the journey God is taking me on to delineate what it entails to be a practicing Christian in this realm. in his essay "Moving from Solitude to Community to Ministry," henri nouwen brings us through a similar three tiered, interconnected process. as disciples, we are called to discipline ourselves into solitude with God to submit ourselves into a space where we allow God to do root-digging, identity work in us. this is where we develop our attentiveness to the voice which says "beloved." it is in this place of solitude that we are naturally led to community where we actively practice forgiveness of fellow "beloveds" to whom we allow the freedom to not be God - to make mistakes and to hurt us and to hurt. in community we inhale Christ's compassion as it becomes our lifeblood. the exhale of this is ministry; nouwen argues that ministry is not "something that you do (although it calls you to do many things). Ministry is something that you have to trust." we have to trust that because we are sons and daughters of God, and because he promises that whoever believes in him will do Jesus' work & more, we have the healing power of Jesus within us to heal those we come into contact with.

i find that in my interactions and conversations with my classmates, i feel a gut fear regarding my life as a practicing Christian. i feel a need to legitimate the Jesus within my heart. to perform for my classmates an intact argument for Jesus. the moment i realized this fear, i had to sit back and reorient myself into a posture of rest and trust instead of strivings and fear. i can trust that God has placed me in Ethnic Studies, that God has given me these opportunities to engage with this world, that God lives within me and will work powerfully not by my power but through my weakness and obedience, by his power.

God, here am i! send me.

[nouwen's article]

sidenotes;

meep

anchor: unity in Christ

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So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise. Galatians 3:26-29

my thoughts initially began with a visceral disgust of academic, ethnographic research. i was thinking about the ways that there is something inherently violent in a research that presumes a detached (and therefore self-justified) privilege to submerge into a "culture," a "people group," and emerge with some transcendent insight. packaged, diluted, re-presented, commoditized, dehumanized, essentialized, consumed. ethnographic research, if conducted insensitively, can therefore be in many levels, an act of violation: violating someone's trust to excavate knowledge and then present it to the curious world in return for academic rewards and recognition. is it worth it? i concluded stalwartly in my heart: i will never deign to presumptuously claim an understanding of someone's lived experience in its entirety. i will be their friend, not their researcher.

maybe it was the spirit's promptings, idk. but i felt a gentle whisper against the disgust and anger fueling my conclusion. i began to think about the way i am sometimes driven by fear in my ethnic studies classes; studying alongside people of vastly different experiences and backgrounds. i fear their furrowed eyebrows, i fear their critical eye; who are you, a relatively privileged asian american christian from irvine, to say/know/attempt to understand anything about my lived experience? says the fear.

so i began to unpack this fear and reinforce the only thing that gives me worth in this life: my king and savior, Jesus Christ, came to this broken world to radically embody God's counterintuitive love by fully emerging in the human experience and dying a sinner's execution and atoning for the eternal consequences of sin. in his subsequent resurrection, we find the established hope of new spiritual life, following in the example Jesus paved, carved in the ugly scars that interrupt the skin of his hands and feet. through him, our horizontal relationships, once marked by difference and misunderstanding and hatred, can be reconciled in him. social differences -- race, class, gender, sexuality -- may not necessarily become invalidated and unimportant in him: but they now become not sources of strife but possibilities for reconciliation and a depth of understanding that supersedes all ethnic studies attempts.

i can submit to him and be used of him to help usher in God's kingdom of redemption and reconciliation. i don't have to bring anyone to God; i will bring God to them. i can fearlessly engage my friends with the depth of a gospel that says before him, race, class, gender, sexuality do nothing to further or damage our standing - a gospel that says yes, we are utterly wretched but are also utterly loved and Christ is the proof. a gospel that says: no, i may not be able to understand your lived experience, nor will i presume that i will ever be able to - but in Jesus' human condition we just might find someone who understands by his lived experience what it's like to be marginalized, demeaned, betrayed, and hated. a gospel that says we can love Jesus alongside each other, and in doing so we will have something that we can both equally understand, that we can both dig deep into our identities. let Jesus be our binding force and we can replace fluffy words like "in solidarity," and "ally" with "brother" and "sister," "son" and "daughter," and "inheritor," "partaker" and "participator" in the Kingdom.

sidenotes;
what does it mean for Jesus to be my anchor in every area. this is what it means
the only truth i know is what God has to say about himself, about humanity, about this world. to whatever degree ethnic studies is able to accurately analyze this world, i will become the best ethnic studies scholar i can be so i can engage with this community at their very academic and passionate level. i am so affectionate of this community aaah

i want to read the thoughts of these brilliant thinkers and as i do so, cling to my anchors and roots:
audre lorde
judith butler
bell hooks
toni morrison
anaiis nin

hannah arendt

pondering growth

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tonight i am pondering the mystery of growth. sometimes it is dynamic, sometimes it's static. sometimes it is best facilitated in a collective environment, other times in an individual context. it forces us into realms of discomfort and fear (like vulnerability, alienation, loneliness, friendships) and necessitates purification by fire. its relative process has a distinct spatiotemporal correlation as well as an interpersonal correlation. it can be sought to differing extents and received with differing intensities and resisted with differing motivations. it is visible most clearly in hindsight and remains stalwartly silent about the steps ahead or the goal we are heading towards. it leads no room for pride and keeps a friendly proximity to failure.

sidenotes;

i saw none of my life coming and as it unfolds in front of me i am open handed and doe eyed and maybe trembling but definitely held, seen, heard, helped by my King!

meanderings

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today i felt distinctly heard, seen, and loved by God. there are many threads of thought in my head, and they are all thrumming with anticipation and the restrained potential of such depth and scope. i will eventually explore all of them and thoroughly wear the topics thin with combing and sifting and interrogating and illuminating, but for now, incohesive sentences will suffice as glimpses into my present thought life.

i discovered an almost alarmingly puny threshold for encouragement and discouragement.

i am engaging the idea of leaning forward into yet-to-be fleshed out characteristics of God, with a posture of expectancy, of intensity, of calmness, of trust. perhaps it is a season to lean forward instead of leaning back to rest on already sedimented anchors of God's character. perhaps in leaning forward i am also using strength i would find from leaning back.

i had a very intimate moment with God today and immediately encountered the tension of a borderline frantic desire to capture the moment, to fence it in with words and freeze it and frame it so as to forever memorialize it. maybe some moments are too intimate to be described, let alone shared with anyone else.

i am hyper cognizant of the development of my various identities; of my social consciousness, of my internalization of identities which dig deep and anchor me. i am neither asian nor american; rather i am distinctly asian, american. i use the comma to destabilize the intactness of "asian american" - the ways in which we uncritically internalize an identity with political implications and history of struggle which we know nothing about. i am a person of color, am i not? i am a woman, not a womyn. but i am also most attentive to the voice which calls me "beloved" as i navigate these many layers.

i am sitting in the midst of many overlapping thoughts and entertaining the possibility of embracing my aloneness in this moment: no other human can possibly enter into the entirety of my inner world, nor is that reasonable or good. weren't we ultimately made for the sole enjoyment of the Creator? to desire someone to enter that space of sacred unknowability - wouldn't this be to impose God's sole privilege onto another creation and cause destruction?

so much more i don't even know

sidenotes;

my sleep schedule is the poops right now

inner life colors

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i wonder at the inner life of strangers, acquaintances, dear friends. what colors are your thoughts? what sounds do you hear, what are the tones of your emotions? what are the rhythm, the tempo, the dynamics of your heart's movements? what is the scope? the depth? the perspective: in to out, out to in, down to up, up to down? do you dwell, do you suppress, do you probe, do you attack, do you observe, do you sift, do you question, investigate, seek, avoid, forget, abandon? with what strength do you cherish? are you a fighter, a wanderer? do you rebel with the fire of an impulsive sprinter or with the embers of a deliberate marathon runner? do you have reserves of a puddle or a sea, a creek or a river? is there vibrancy, sweetness, richness, softness, hardness - and what does it look like?

do your thoughts have scars. is there static noise. is that noise intentional and are you aware of its presence? where is it shadowy and foggy and why did it become like that? what material are your walls made of, who built them, and who left those marks of war on those walls? how many walls are up, when were they erected, and what are they protecting? are they structured or haphazard, protective and preventative or hostile and armed? is your inner world a warzone or a sanctuary of safety? do you navigate it bravely, timidly, not at all? what voices do you hear, what faces do you see, whose influence do you feel? whose embrace do you long for? are there scars on the ground from things that have been taken from you, things that have been lost? does jesus walk there? are there doors in or out? are there rooms locked or open? if you were to let me in, how would my soul react to yours?

sidenotes;
i have the most dearest friends forever and ever

depth under scrutiny

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"The heart must be the first, chief, constant object of solicitude to the Christian. It is this which God sees, and because God principally looks at it, the heart must be ever uppermost in our concern.

...To keep the heart must mean exerting ourselves with great earnestness, in dependence upon Divine grace, to preserve it in a good state; laboring to preserve its vitality, vigor, and purity.

...The heart is the citadel of the soul. If this is neglected, the enemy at the gates will soon be in and take possession. Set a watch, therefore, upon the heart. Let the sentinel be never off duty, nor sleeping at his post." -Proverbs 4:23 Commentary

i am navigating through life consisting of very human people with wildly different richness/color/depth/multidimensional/multifaceted quality of inner life. in doing so i am increasingly filled with an itching curiosity about the following things:

-our unique journeys to understanding vulnerability: do we demean it? do we value it? do we fear it? do we avoid it? do we idolize it? do we live in it? is it characterized by Christ-like humility? or is it characterized by an ill-begotten plea for self-victimizing, self-serving attention?
-our unique ways of individually experiencing and processing things i.e. emotions, thoughts, struggles, praises - aka the nitty gritty of life: how long does it take to process individually? which voices weigh most influentially during the processing? what blinds us in the process? what is our inner endurance level? all or nothing, chunk by chunk, not at all? what are the instruments of articulation and organization: writing, talking, silence?
-our unique ways of turning an insular gaze to an outreaching, sharing posture: what is our understanding of the meaning we attach to sharing? where did this understanding come from? is it biblical?
-our unique ways of seeking guidance/help: who are our peers? our mentors? our paul's, our barnabas's, our timothy's? who are our safe people? are they really safe?
-our unique ways of not doing any of the above
-self-perception of pride enlaced into our being: how are we deceiving ourselves through justification and/or victimization? how are we failing to make the connection between certain suffering/brokenness and our own responsibility/sinfulness/pride? because when has pride ever not been a factor, ever. how can we be real with others if we can't be real with ourselves.
-is it possible for some people to be vacant. i guess so. please help me understand because i'm so confused. do i have to understand to love? i guess not. but it helps. and i'm still confused at the end of the day help meee

sidenotes;
"nasar" (guard): to guard, protect, keep, obey; observe, behold, watch, inspect
can we please delve into the deep and dark and scary together? we can pioneer it togetherrrr. help slay each other's monsters & help hold the lantern for each other. take the night time watch while one of us naps before the morning onslaught. chip away at mildew, at pests, at cancerous growths. because we're all gross inside, who ever said your gross is worse than mine. nobody that's who.

feeling inhibited and pushy and helpless

also being at home makes me gain weight ughhh

buckling down / zeal

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On the day I needed You, I called, and You responded

    and infused my soul with strength. Psalm 138:3

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

I delight greatly in the Lord;
    my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
    and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. Isaiah 61:10

i find myself mentally buckling down for what's going to be a long journey (with an initiation rite of sorts, filled with uncomfortable and merciless and inevitable growth pains) of transitioning into an adult relationships with the hardest people (person) in my life. this i do with fluctuating reactions: a gritting of teeth, a weary and accepting sigh, a leary tensing in my chest. humility, doggedness, resilience, bold defiance to sin and apathy. a bold defiance that i must step into timidly like a stranger's jacket. brace for impact, steel myself. i liken the image of "steeling myself" with wolverine, and the infusing of adamantium into his skeleton, with an unbelievable amount of pain that i am blindly and weakly bracing myself for. if only i was as cool as wolverine lol. i am grateful that he makes me bold - that in his mysterious fashion, he really truly entirely makes the frame of my body - my heart, my mind, my strength, my soul - characteristic of this curious (non)material that is boldness. i am daughter to a king of lovingkindness and longsuffering gentleness who clothes me in righteousness; how warm, how sweet, how secure is this blessed assurance. oh, my heart, how loved you are!

question; why is "idealistic" entrenched in premeditated connotations of unrealistic, irrational, childish? what marked the shift from a very realistic hope which echoes of paradise to an oppressive, dreary, and disillusioned "realism" of "adults"? why is the word "contagious" and "going viral" rooted in pathological history? is there a positive alternative that denotes inspiration, drive, passion, worthy of emulation, life-giving empowerment, rather than sickness and infliction and death? pondering the language we use in the construction of "adult" and "child" in the imaginative world (of aspirations, ideas, ideals, dreams) as it has been corrupted by sin.

in any case, i have resolved in my heart that i will choose not to be internally apologetic or abashed for my excitement, enthusiasm, idealism. i choose not to allow other people's reactions to me (whether they are taken aback, skeptical, bemused, dismissive, unphased) to dampen my fire. i resolve to be unapologetic in my zeal.

also i had a fairly strange dream last night. it consisted of clumsiness, a wedding, a piercing, fear, a ghost, tears.

words on my heart: risk, imagine, seize, rebel, pioneer, spearhead

sidenotes;
i need to work out
edit// okay i worked out. yayayay
also it's only 11:30pm. i feel like it's 2:30am. wat, pls body, wake up

edit// 4th annual binational conferencia 2013, holla student activism!

toxic

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how blinding and toxic and deadening and pitiful is entitlement when it is not cast out from our blood, when it remains all that we understand. when everything we don’t understand is seen through the distorted lens of entitlement, when we become (remain?) diseased slaves to it. when decay ferments inside our hearts and all that comes out of our mouths is complaint and criticism and discontentment. when we unceremoniously dismiss the richness of suffering, and shake our petulant fists at the good God. when jesus becomes an afterthought, second to whatever we have assigned more worthy of our immediate attention. when we declare ourselves too dignified for a posture of helplessness: on our knees, on our faces, hands splayed out, cries wailing out. instead we sit on our thrones and stick our noses in the air, telling everyone we are gods. that we don’t deserve this

sidenotes;
for breakfast i had a coffee banana milkshake & a boiled egg. for lunch i had dill salmon, roasted carrots, & brown sugar carmelized butternut squash. i made some ginger sesame chicken soup for my very sick roommate in the afternoon. & for dinner i had basil hummus, avocado & alfalfa sprouts on buttermilk bread, topped with lemon pepper, lemon olive oil. food makes me happy. tonight i am listening to robin thicke's ancient albums (which are infinitely better than his new ones), while writing essays for my summer internship application. tonight god is sweet to me :) tomorrow is october 31. tomorrow god will be sweet to me, too.

edit// p.s., i am passionate. hire me. pls
/being facetious

also it is 2am, and i am wide awake. this must be a God thing.
it is now 6am, and i am going to bed.

two-way disclosure

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thoughts on the phrase "meeting people where they are" triggered by my way of relating to/engaging with/connecting with older and younger people (whether in age or in multidimensional/dynamic stage of faith):

why is it supremely unsatisfying for me to be excluded from the struggles of people i admire? why does it feel unbalanced and unequal, and why does it feel like a snub on my greatest heart desire to pour support into others? how do we navigate the dynamics of healthy amounts of two-way disclosure? considering that my capacities and limitations are uniquely my own and not to be unfairly projected upon anyone else because no one is a self-appointed measuring stick of comparison; that for some reason i crave the deep and cringe to brave the shallows; that i have great capacity and endurance to maintain a posture of intensive introspection because that is where i flourish; that i crave to love and be loved -

how can i calculate our relative social roles (teacher, student, friend, etc) and its ensuing expectations, whether implicitly internalized or explicitly taboo? how do i conduct myself with others so that i may be life giving? how can i be unabashedly and fearlessly me? how can i embrace the capacities and limitations of others, and enable them to simultaneously embolden them to rest in their capacities and challenge their limitations? how can i empower those younger with the opportunity to love on me? how can i urge those older to give me the privilege to love them? how do i have healthy balance of how much i allow my thoughts to dwell on someone's possible reaction to my holistic personhood? my intentions are wholly my responsibility; does my sensitivity to others and their present state expand my scope of responsibility - at least, in how much i am aware of how i may be unintentionally manipulating someone, or soliciting unwelcome responses?

pondering inner posture dynamics of giving of myself (sharing my passions, my experiences, my perspectives) vs. restraining so that i may be able to absorb that which someone else is giving of themselves. pondering that in the latter dynamic, i am also arguably in a posture of giving, especially if i consider the material result of feeling noticeably drained and yet semi-consciously fulfilled and empowered. i "give" when i actively receive and absorb. although slightly an exaggeration, but do i then conversely risk "taking" from others when i give of myself?

engaging with other individuals is a fluid and dynamic and mysterious process, and just lol

sidenotes;
i am shamelessly verbose and speak in fragments and run-ons
i have so many thoughts pestering my brain; what a relief it is to heart vomit it out so i can detach myself and see the bigger picture :9

on another note, i can't believe god has called me to be an activist in this season. this, i gladly and eagerly step into and pour all that i am into it. thank you, god. i love you!

alienating

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how disorienting is our human condition, when the petulant demands of our brokenness crowds out and saturates our senses. when our unique experiences of pain and suffering and grief alienates us from all other company which, once a welcome presence, becomes a reminder that no one is capable of perfectly entering into and sharing of our pain. equally disorienting and disabling is to witness the surfacing of others' brokenness, and feeling every fiber straining and vein aching and muscle tensing with unfulfilled desire to alleviate their heaviness. because we can walk alongside each other, but ultimately everyone has personalized monsters in a personalized forest to identify, brave, and conquer. desperate praises to He who is King and Victor, who determines suffering to be a worthy and necessary process in His relentless construction and restoration of holiness in us. praise to Him who declares that out of suffering is the fruit of resilience, tenderness, and joy.

sidenotes;
meep, exercising discretion in who i share my joy and conversely, my sorrow with, considering the present state of the person. pondering the dynamic of sharing joy and accidentally eliciting jealousy which, from my understanding, is a gut response indicative of deeper contentment issues of which i hold no responsibility.

opaque

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i would like to dissect the psychology of blogging/online diary keeping as related to the increasing isolation we discuss in humanities classes. why is it that we feel "safer" being vulnerable and transparent on the internet? does the dividing wall of the screen somehow justify unfiltered disclosure of intimate struggles? do we do this at the expense of real life, interpersonal relationships? what is it that we're sacrificing here? is online vulnerability a means to achieve something, or has it become the unintended goal? what is the future we are painting for the next generation entrusted into our hands? how can we victoriously use the internet as a mere resource for our spiritual, mental, and emotional growth so as to forbid it from becoming our crutch - not to mention a false god which we worship in parched dependence?

sidenotes;
listening to natural self, radio citizen, & rdj2 < 3 so heppy

clamoring

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what does it look like to put god in a box? how do we seek to discern his voice while avoiding an inclination towards either the extreme of ignoring wise affirmation from brothers and sisters or depending solely upon opinions of brothers and sisters? who is it that i ultimately fear, and why? when does being cautious and thoroughly thoughtful tread into the world of cowardice and distrust? how do you discern boldness from recklessness and/or stupidity? to whom do i feel a need to prove myself to, if at all? in the stillness & quiet, god i wait for you. my desperate heart, be still, be quiet

sidenotes;

weh

contradictions

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“Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving. When the child leaves home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to another country or dies … the pain of the leaving can tear us apart.Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.” -Henri J.M. Nouwen

i am, frankly, a mess. i am a bundle of contradictions made up of unspoken heart desires and rational trains of thought that rage forth and then timidly meander about without direction, conviction, heart. i come once again before the throne of my gentle king and desperately pry my hands open, fall to my face, bask in nothing but His love for me.

ponder; what does it mean to worry? to dwell obsessively and be preoccupied with something to the point that it hinders your sense of emotional stability in everyday life. i suppose this is why philippians 4:8-9 comes right after philippians 4:6; it is unreasonable to expect us to just "stop thinking (worrying)" -- rather, we must replace the thoughts with things that are "true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy." i guess it just goes to show that god created us as singularly focused beings; we were made to worship, to fixate our gaze/orient our beings towards something. if that something is not God it will inevitably be something else. there is no way for us to not worship, to not meditate on something.

sidenotes;

sigh. walk on
i'm weary
five classes, never again

daddy

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i had a wonderful dream that daddy was hugging me tightly and i was safe and warm and content

this week i barely read the bible. i might have gone through one chapter in 2 kings. but i also find that this week, in the midst of my sleep deprivation and my stress eating, i was intimately aware of His presence and His patient, father-like love for me. this week was a blessed, first-hand experience that my relationship with Him is not so much about being able to spew a sermon off the top of my head about some hotly debated theological issue, but about a sweet, simple, quiet intimacy -- a lens through which i am able to see myself, see other people, see situations, and see God as He sees all. because of this intimacy, i can call out to Him with the simple cries of a child interspersed throughout the day: "help me" -- knowing that He hears and is not pretentiously turning His nose at me with disapproval.

ponder; i find it slightly off when people tell me, "i pray from this time to this time, and i read bible everyday" or "i didn't read today" or "i didn't pray today" [therefore God must not be pleased with me] ... do you know God's heart towards you? that His heart towards you doesn't depend on what you do -- rather, reading bible/praying/going through the disciplines of the faith are vehicles through which you see God's consistent heart -- not marks that determine your status before Him?

i am blessed in this moment of quiet intimacy & sweet awareness of His presence. i know i am not always going to feel this way.

sidenotes;
going home for the afternoon today :) going to smother my siblings in hugs and go running and drive my car and make dinner for mommy

letting grace penetrate

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what implications does my identity as a christian have upon my understanding of and engagement with hurt from others?

i am 1) a redeemed soul whose eternal payment has been paid for by christ's sacrifice, 2) God's beloved daughter who is the object of His unbearably glorious affections & sanctifying work, 3) a living testifier of the gospel which allows me to live in blessed freedom and, as C.S. Lewis puts it, "dance backwards and return."

how does this identity framework change my perception of feeling used, my assignment of significance to being hurt, and the extent to which i allow hurt to mold me in relation to how God molds me?

what does it look like to rejoice in the lord always? give thanks in all circumstances? consider it pure joy when i face trials of all kinds?

where do the boundaries of hurt lie? how do i grapple with hurt in a healthy way that allows God the free realm to move but does not idolize self-victimization over the awareness of God's sovereignty? how do i allow the act of speaking truth in love penetrate through that which is occasionally an overwhelming and overbearing weight of hurt? should i see my fragility as a neutral and static observation of my personality or as an area of needed growth? is unphased callousness a mark of maturity, or is tenderheartedness a mark of maturity? where is the balance in sifting through all that is thrown at us and holding onto what is good?

i am blessed because i can simultaneously identify with Jesus' pain, be healed as i hide in his wounds , fixate my gaze upon my Father's love for me and how He created me to be a tenderhearted thinker/feeler, and also know that the Spirit makes me bold and stouthearted to clothe myself in Jesus' grace so as to be a blessing to others.

i am thankful that God's grace fills and overflows in broken cracks. i am thankful that His spirit goes with me in places of introspection, and that by asking questions i find not necessarily answers but i can be assured of His merciful presence.

sidenotes;
why am i so squishy hearted
can i be a woman of internal gentleness, interpersonal compassion, fearless strength, clarity of mind, and gracious words plz
a hispanic woman at santorini's called me "mija" and i felt warm and fuzzy inside

emotional acuity

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it’s interesting to see how even though God time and time again proves to faithfully sustain me through my academics, i time and time again find myself in a place of feeling emotionally overwhelmed by all the things i have to do.

i wonder how my isfj mode of thinking/seeing molds how i manage stress, and how the christian culture possibly views suffering and/or emotional distress as manifestation of character flaws/social deviance that ought to be remedied as quickly as possible when in fact, a good portion of the psalms are laments & jesus himself expresses heart wrenching grief.

let us therefore tenderheartedly validate someone’s heart cries, offer genuine comfort, and also consciously and gently verbalize the truth that God is still good and sovereign — and this knowledge is of such a transformative nature that it has the power to quell the untimely storms of our hearts.

sidenotes;
my digestive system sucks
so does my eczema
how interesting is it that my emotions are more strongly linked to my physical well-being than i was previously aware of

i would very much like to just be a nonsensical and unresponsive hermit burrito bum in bed until my body stops being dumb
i am a human porcupine thing hear me roar

crayons, porcupines, and love

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this is by no means a comment that implies anything beyond the superficial meaning, but just for the sake of saying it & because it is probably too blunt/insincere to post on my tumblr with a considerably larger audience, here is my snide comment for the day: my insides feebly wither when i sit next to people who by no fault of their own (i hope) smell like rotten crayons in a simmering vat of human sweat.

also sometimes i feel like a volatile porcupine on the verge of im/explosion for no other reason except that sometimes, when i really just want to sit in my bed and read, edit photos, listen to music, & write, any form of interruption (involving socializing) stresses me out; when does the blessed command of meditation in solitude become selfish? am i sinning if i recognize my limitations in loving, if i prioritize solitude over spending time with others? when introspection becomes a self-centered justification for unloving attitudes towards others, it is not so much that introspection is at fault but that introspection merely becomes a vehicle through which our inner sinfulness is manifested. i suppose it emphasizes how necessary inward discernment is, because God looks at the unspoken murmurings of our hearts. & if i have not love, i am just a clanging cymbal -- loud, obnoxious, annoying, meaningless. i am reminded once again the "why" and "how" behind loving others starts with Jesus, is sustained by Jesus, and ends with Jesus.

also pondering the idea that besides the reality of our purpose to know God & make Him known, we are put in our respective spheres of influence to be a blessing to people; i am pleasantly surprised by the joy that comes with the reframing question, "how can i be a blessing to someone today?" the subsequent ponderings of which sheds light on how often we (or at least, i) foster our proclivities towards obsessing over how other people fail to show us love.

& finally -- it brings me so much joy to throw my whole being into this project. in so many ways, it embodies all of my skills and simultaneously engages my heart. i can use my vbs directing experience, use my passion for brokenness & people, & use my love of strategically using words so as to evoke emotions and actions in others.

sidenotes;
WEEK 10 FRENZY LESGO
want to cut my hair again lol

relationships

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today at church i found myself testing the dangerous waters of discontentment and self-righteous entitlement. i was disgusted by myself. here is just a poignant pondering:

the young adult/high school christian culture today sees relationships strangely because now society tells everyone that:

1) soul mates exist

2) soul mate must be yearned for

and even for the self titled realist with an aversion to the "hopeless romantic" route, society somehow says that:
1) everyone is entitled to a relationship (as if a relationship is some kind of reward thing? what did you do to deserve a person? what are you, a slave master? wat.)
2) you'll find someone compatible to you

but those assumptions lead to

1) unrightfully over-romanticizing relationships & unhealthy fantasizing

2) idolizing relationships
3) forgetting what God made people for -- to worship Him, bring glory to Him, love Him, be loved by Him

therefore christians today are all confused when it comes to:

1) college

2) relationships

because culture tells us these are of utmost importance. but the bible says nothing, except for restricting marriage to believers. which either means that:

1) God doesn't care

2) God doesn't want us to idolize these things

and by process of elimination the first doesn't make any sense.

so my conclusion is that God wants us to surrender everything to him including our hunger/greed for a relationship, because innate in that desire is actually a sinful desire to be a little god (aka to be worshiped by someone in the form of love). and when He deems it right, He will orchestrate accordingly and that relationship will bring glory to Him and not to the humans. we can also rest assured knowing that He sees our hearts, that He is sanctifying us, and that He loves us so very much.

i am once again reminded to honor my brothers' integrity by meticulously and continuously examining my own heart, because as a daughter of Eve, i am, like her, sinfully prone to manipulation and self-idolatry.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14

I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. Psalm 119:11

sidenotes;
1) hohum god is good to me even though i am dumb sometimes
i have a lot to learn about how God redeems relationships because it hurts to see my brothers and sisters hurt each other, or to see my sisters be manipulative, or to see my brothers not lead intentionally.
but i can rest assured in knowing that He is a God of redemption. He is such a good God who has so very extravagantly proven His heart for redeeming and reconciling us through Christ's sacrifice.

2) also indecisive people or perpetually absent-minded people make me really frustrated, sorry lol
deepen my understanding of Your grace towards me so that 1) i may feel anguish for people and love on them with grace and patience and 2) that i may kill the source of frustration which is unquestionably and simply my un-Christlike attitude towards people who bother me--as if i am somehow the center of the world. because i am most definitely, not.

3) forever wallflower

thought trains

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thought train #1) was it not we who chose other things over Him? is His love not like a Father's -- eager for reconciliation, willing to punish & correct & discipline, desirous of holiness & perfection & ultimately intimacy with His beloved children?

thought train #2) to what extent are my emotions dehumanized and belittled and justified away by hormones? modern culture seems to do everything it can to disassociate science from God; to dehumanize emotions and subjectivity and therefore "God," when in reality God is the source of all things objective and wonderful and absolute and truthful and scientific.

thought train #3) the topic of sin is weighing heavy on my heart this quarter and it makes me forget how much You love me, how much You love humanity, how frighteningly, strangely, and wonderfully good, merciful, gracious, and compassionate you are. may i never lose the wonder of the cross.

thought train #4) is it not more compassionate to listen? to let someone know their struggles are valid and that the King of the universe saw our helplessness as so worthy a cause as to torture His own son for hours on the cross? *saving us from our brokenness was not the  main purpose though; He wants to glorify Himself: that does not necessarily mean His desire for His glory is mutually exclusive from His love for us. mm, trying to figure out how to verbally reconcile His glorification and His love for us.

thought train #5) fill my cup, for i am enamored and awestruck by the endless possibilities of your glorious revelations as the King and Creator of all. there is much in this world that screams of Your handiwork. thank you for letting me delight in these academic disciplines. thank you for creating me with a love of creating.

thought train #6) i often entertain many ideas and hopes and dreams only to stir myself up into an overexcited flurry. help me rest in the knowledge that You know better.

sidenotes;
i just spent four hours doing laundry, making lunch, eating lunch, & journaling. i don't even know how... gotta get "crackalackin'" on my finals studying.
soy milk + brown sugar & cinnamon oatmeal with ripe bananas :)
can't wait until i finish my chocolate almond butter so i can buy chocolate hazelnut butter mmmm
thankful for the sisters in my life
slightly apprehensive for tw
sociology is like the underlying matrix of the world (*exaggerate) guhhh so cool
i stress ate so much chocolate this week
i wonder if i can pull of a pixie cut :/
mmmmmmmmm freshly laundered comforter is toasty warm