lingering plea

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it lingered in my hair and my well-to-do clothes
like a bad memory, a nightmare--or maybe, a plea
the smell of rancid sweat and fear and uncertainty

i met her on my way to breakfast that saturday morning
she had a wheelchair, clothes, and ruined feet
we offered her pancakes but she paused: "no, that i won't eat."

i sat behind him on my way home from work
it was dark and i was alone, envisioning kidnap wednesday evening
all i could remember was the back of his head and his boston cap

monday morning he walked by the aisle on my way to school
said "hi" to the bus driver, to his neighbor, sat down and talked
it was his dignity that left me ashamed and shocked

i had hoped that in writing it down,
i could make sense of it all
but at the end of the day i live in this world and not they
and i'm not so rich as to throw pity lest i make myself a clown

sidenotes;
they have dignity, too
God of sovereignty and redemption, help us

sigh i'm so rusty

can i be clothed in strength and dignity

God of redemption

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does the asian culture's emphasis upon frugality combined with the american culture's fetishizing of self-accomplished capitalism prevent us from giving generously? if all authority on heaven & earth has been given to Christ, and if we have been called to go fearlessly and boldly as faithful stewards, witnesses, and bearers of good news, why do we hesitate? do people hide behind the excuse that "giving" is not their spiritual gift? is fearlessness not the absent of fear but the action taken despite the fear, in response to a recognition of His sovereignty? doesn't perfect love cast our fear in this way?

i still don't understand what a "calling" is. aren't we all called to bear witness to the ends of the world -- not necessarily overseas, but in every capacity, in every field of work? because He is sovereign, and He has chosen this specific culture for me for His purposes. why does this sometimes feel like a burden? isn't His yolk light? where does guilt, obligation, and joy play into my motivations? how do i reconcile all these things

“It is not that God's help and presence must still be proved in our life; rather God's presence and help have been demonstrated for us in the life of Jesus Christ. It is in fact more important for us to know what God did to Israel, in God's Son Jesus Christ, than to discover what God intends for us today. The fact that Jesus Christ died is more important than the fact that I will die. And the fact that Jesus Christ was raised from the dead is the sole ground of my hope that I, too, will be raised on the day of judgment.” -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“Earthly goods are given to be used, not to be collected. In the wilderness God gave Israel the manna every day, and they had no need to worry about food and drink. Indeed, if they kept any of the manna over until the next day, it went bad. In the same way, the disciple must receive his portion from God every day. If he stores it up as a permanent possession, he spoils not only the gift, but himself as well, for he sets his heart on accumulated wealth, and makes it a barrier between himself and God. Where our treasure is, there is our trust, our security, our consolation and our God. Hoarding is idolatry.” -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

sidenotes;
books to read: cost of discipleship by bonhoeffer, mirrored reflections by chloe sun, let me be a woman by elisabeth elliot, & freedom + boundaries by kevin deyoung
little sister taught me stop this train by john mayer again & i finally got it this time :)
current songs: the world is bigger than you think, now the rabbit has the gun & letter to my ex acoustic version, tanya lacey < 3
also, can someone teach me walking bass

i run, too

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i could never be a therapist. i would die eternally frustrated because ever since childhood, i've had this stubborn work ethic ingrained into my head: i keep at it until i understand the concepts, or until i get the results i want. this may very well just be a culture thing since i grew up in america, because it doesn't always work. sometimes i barely slide by with an average performance and almost always am never impressed with myself. never satisfied with myself.

i never took a logic class because philosophy bores me out of my mind, but just maybe, if i am never satisfied, maybe that strange satisfaction is not a reasonable reality to strive for. maybe it's just that i am often misguided by my sinfulness to be discontent and forget about God's sovereignty while i chase this shiny elusive land of "finally satisfied, finally content, finally accomplished."

when my brother was upset and crying once, i opened my mouth with all the right intentions only to have him wail back at me, "you always do this!" and another time, when my sister shared about a frustrating situation to me, i once again opened my mouth to hear, "i got so many lectures today-" implying, "i don't need another one from you--" granted they were upset when they said these things.

in my mind, i may not have the answer, but i have advice that can very well be close to an answer. i think and talk myself out of feeling certain things when i am frustrated and it leads to this enamored attachment to my rationality, to its perceived success, and finally to a sorely misdirected attribution of glory. that monster almost never toots its horn but therein lies its danger.

i don't have the right to judge them because they run from God differently--i run, too. i run, and it's so pitiful when that monster tells me i somehow have the right to turn around and tell them to suck it up and get right with God, or that it is somehow my job to "fix" them because i am so much better than them. i ran, too, right? and that makes me an expert, right? they're the prettiest and ugliest lies i have ever heard.

love is not a formula; "love" is a poor description of the overflow of everything that Christ embodies. people are not assignments. they are His beloved, as am i. the Holy Spirit works for His glory alone. help me love with Your love, with a love they can understand; help me point them to Christ. i don't know how to agape but You do; so let me be less so that You can be more. because there is no such thing as a lone christian who runs alone, but there is also nothing more dangerous than a monster that steals the glory.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 4:8-11

Search me, O God, and know my heart!

Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting!

Psalm 139:23-24

“If you want to feel deeply, you have to think deeply. Too often we separate the two. We assume that if we want to feel deeply, then we need to sit around and, well, feel. But emotion built on emotion is empty. True emotion- emotion that is reliable and does not lead us astray- is always a response to reality, to truth.” Joshua Harris

“If you know what He has done at infinite cost to himself—He’s put you into a relationship so that you’ll never be rejected by Him—then your motivation when you sin is to go get Him. You want fellowship with Him. When the thing that most assures you is the thing that most convicts you, you’ll be okay because when you’re convicted of sin in a gospel way it drives you toward God. Without the gospel we hate ourselves instead of our sin. Without the gospel we’re motivated through all sorts of awful fear and pride to change and it doesn’t really change our hearts; it just restrains our hearts.”  Tim Keller

sidenotes;
i'm so lopsided! tennis made my right arm more strong, & for some reason my left foot is bigger D: flats make my left foot not happy.
missions? study abroad?
sociology is so fascinating :)
scarf+boot weather, please come soon ): i don't want any of this hot weather business