meanderings

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today i felt distinctly heard, seen, and loved by God. there are many threads of thought in my head, and they are all thrumming with anticipation and the restrained potential of such depth and scope. i will eventually explore all of them and thoroughly wear the topics thin with combing and sifting and interrogating and illuminating, but for now, incohesive sentences will suffice as glimpses into my present thought life.

i discovered an almost alarmingly puny threshold for encouragement and discouragement.

i am engaging the idea of leaning forward into yet-to-be fleshed out characteristics of God, with a posture of expectancy, of intensity, of calmness, of trust. perhaps it is a season to lean forward instead of leaning back to rest on already sedimented anchors of God's character. perhaps in leaning forward i am also using strength i would find from leaning back.

i had a very intimate moment with God today and immediately encountered the tension of a borderline frantic desire to capture the moment, to fence it in with words and freeze it and frame it so as to forever memorialize it. maybe some moments are too intimate to be described, let alone shared with anyone else.

i am hyper cognizant of the development of my various identities; of my social consciousness, of my internalization of identities which dig deep and anchor me. i am neither asian nor american; rather i am distinctly asian, american. i use the comma to destabilize the intactness of "asian american" - the ways in which we uncritically internalize an identity with political implications and history of struggle which we know nothing about. i am a person of color, am i not? i am a woman, not a womyn. but i am also most attentive to the voice which calls me "beloved" as i navigate these many layers.

i am sitting in the midst of many overlapping thoughts and entertaining the possibility of embracing my aloneness in this moment: no other human can possibly enter into the entirety of my inner world, nor is that reasonable or good. weren't we ultimately made for the sole enjoyment of the Creator? to desire someone to enter that space of sacred unknowability - wouldn't this be to impose God's sole privilege onto another creation and cause destruction?

so much more i don't even know

sidenotes;

my sleep schedule is the poops right now

friend of God

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"God is his friend, as appears by his early love to him, his choice of him, and provisions of grace for him; by sending his son to save him; by visiting him, not only in a way of providence, but of grace; by disclosing his secrets, showing his covenant to him, and by making him his heir, and a joint heir with Christ.

Christ is his friend, as is evident from his visiting him at his incarnation; and in a spiritual way, by the communication of his secrets to him; by his hearty counsel and faithful reproofs; by his undertaking and doing for him what he has; and especially by suffering and dying in his room and stead. 

The Holy Spirit is his friend, which he has shown by discovering to him his woeful estate by nature, and the way of salvation by Christ; by working all his works in him; by acting the part of a Comforter to him; by revealing divine things to him, by helping him under all his infirmities; by making intercession for him according to the will of God; and by making him meet for eternal glory and happiness

angels are his friends, as is plain by their well pleasedness with the incarnation of Christ for men; and which they express at their conversion; by their ministering to them, their protection of them, and the good offices they do them both in life and at death; and saints are friends to one another

and such should show themselves friendly to God, their covenant God and Father; by frequently visiting him at the throne of grace; by trusting in him; by a carefulness not to offend, but please him; and by a close and faithful adherence to his cause and interest: to Jesus Christ their Redeemer, by a ready obedience to his commands; by owning and using him as their friend; by taking notice of his friends, and showing them respect, his ministers and poor saints; by cleaving to him, and renouncing the friendship of his enemies: and likewise to the Holy Spirit, by not grieving, quenching, and despising him; but by making use of him, and giving up themselves to his influence and direction; and by acknowledging him as the author of all their grace: also to angels, by speaking well of them, owning their good offices, and reckoning it an honour that they are come and joined to such a company; and to the saints, by Christian conversation with them, by sympathizing with them in all conditions, by hearty counsel, faithful reproofs and admonitions, and by helping them in every distress, inward and outward."
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your kindness leads me to repentance. it rests lightly and sweetly upon my soul. it soothes my inclinations towards strife and agitation, it silences the static dissonance that strains and threatens to interrupt the praise in my heart. your kindness is clean, simple, deep, rich, resolute, and gentle.

sidenotes;

grief

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if you ask me how to grieve i will tell you i don't know either. i will tell you throw out the "how to" because there is no "how to." there is not clean one two three's, no finish line in sight. it is messy and heavy and dark. it looks like the trembling contours of someone's back as they hug themselves on the floor and stare at the dust on the carpet. it sounds like the awful creak of the bed at 3:47am as the layers of a dream dissolves in a cold sweat. it feels like the opening and closing of empty palms and the fleeting desire to rip off the thing that is collapsing around your lungs and your stomach and your chest. it tastes like hunger and apathy and weaknesses at the same time, because when food tastes like nothing you are hungry and apathetic and weak. and if you ask me if it goes away i will say no.

but i will also tell you that it stays and it changes shape: that sometimes it will be loud and petulant, and other times it will be tired and retreat into silence. it will sometimes be extra-ordinarily heavy but there will be people to hold it with you. let them hold it with you. it's mostly a dull ache, and in the beginning it's ugly and muddy and hot with pain and cold with ache, but it will become burnished and vibrant. if you look closely there will be colors and it will become rich and warm and life-giving. it will at first rage and demand all your attention but later it will concede to welcome other things, and you will be at first terrified when you feel it welcome joy for a moment. you might hurriedly stamp joy away because won't know how to allow them to coexist. but let it learn to welcome other things, because it is changing and will continue to do so.

and you'll find that the heaviness has not changed, but the weakness in your hands and heart and back has strengthened. you'll realize that it wasn't the only one undergoing change - you with your different hands, heart, back, have gone through fire and pressure by facing that which we call grief but have no words for. and you'll find that it is all of a sudden, light. and bright. you'll likely look at me and wonder how that change happened and i will have no answer for you.

so if you asked me how to grieve i will tell you i really don't know. i wasn't lucid in the moment and everything was cast in a strange and surreal light. but maybe we can walk and learn together; in time you will taste sweet again, you will be able to sit in your dimly lit bedroom without feeling your chest crumple in. we can get there together.

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i can't write this essay
tonight my  heart is stubbornly elsewhere - in the past, in a different location, with different people
tonight i might be crumpling in

heaven rushing

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He says, "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

sometimes i am filled with an intense and incorruptible excitement and vision for the future. for God's work in broad social movements, for how he will use his servants to facilitate global political and economic shifts. i believe he is king of this world and that his plan is radical, thrumming with the resolute intent of spiritual redemption and reconciliation. i believe he works all things for the good of those who love him and for his ultimate glorification. the excitement grips all that i am with a fierce eagerness that i can only be still as i marvel. other times it becomes quiet embers as i write the emails and organize meetings and squint and stare at the nitty gritty which resolutely remain nitty gritty. but it's there, it's always there, and i can sit still always because i can wait upon the sound of marching upon the balsam trees. the sound of heaven rushing as a mighty wind. he is king of the universe and all will bow down, and i will follow as he goes before me.

sidenotes;
hehehehe

outpouring

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And Hannah answered and said, “No, my lord, I am a woman of sorrowful spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor intoxicating drink, but have poured out my soul before the LORD. Do not consider your maidservant a wicked woman, for out of the abundance of my complaint and grief I have spoken until now.” Then Eli answered and said, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition which you have asked of Him.” And she said, “Let your maidservant find favor in your sight.” So the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad.

Then they rose early in the morning and worshiped before the LORD, and returned and came to their house at Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her. So it came to pass in the process of time that Hannah conceived and bore a son, and called his name Samuel, saying, “Because I have asked for him from the LORD.” 1 Samuel 1:18

"b. I have poured out my soul before the LORD: This is exactly what Hannah needed to do. Instead of keeping the bitterness of soul and the anguish in her heart, she poured it out of her soul before the LORD.

d. Her face was no longer sad: The change in Hannah’s countenance shows that she received the promise with faith, something necessary if we will inherit the promises of God (Hebrews 6:12).

i. Hannah shows how we can regain the joy of fellowship in the house of the LORD again: by pouring out our heart before the LORD and by, receiving His word with faith.

c. It came to pass in the process of time: It didn’t happen right away. Hannah had reason enough to be discouraged, but when the promise of God came, she did not lose faith in the promise, even when it took some time. She is a great example of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises (Hebrews 6:12).

i. 'So the meaning is, That although her husband knew her conjugally at his return, and God was mindful of her, and intended in his time to give her his blessing, yet she did not conceive at first, but after some days or time afterwards.' (Poole)" -Source

sidenotes;

i want to be tender, gentle, & warm, in alignment with the joy i have to unceremoniously pour the contents of my soul into the palms of my sweet King. but i am shortsighted, i am rough and short and cold and i lack. i can be pretentious and contemptuous and self-oriented and it is the most distasteful toxic thing in my heart, i hate it. i see it, i hate it; let me stay in the safe waters of disgusted awareness a little while longer. here i am safe as his grace breaks me to pieces

inner life colors

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i wonder at the inner life of strangers, acquaintances, dear friends. what colors are your thoughts? what sounds do you hear, what are the tones of your emotions? what are the rhythm, the tempo, the dynamics of your heart's movements? what is the scope? the depth? the perspective: in to out, out to in, down to up, up to down? do you dwell, do you suppress, do you probe, do you attack, do you observe, do you sift, do you question, investigate, seek, avoid, forget, abandon? with what strength do you cherish? are you a fighter, a wanderer? do you rebel with the fire of an impulsive sprinter or with the embers of a deliberate marathon runner? do you have reserves of a puddle or a sea, a creek or a river? is there vibrancy, sweetness, richness, softness, hardness - and what does it look like?

do your thoughts have scars. is there static noise. is that noise intentional and are you aware of its presence? where is it shadowy and foggy and why did it become like that? what material are your walls made of, who built them, and who left those marks of war on those walls? how many walls are up, when were they erected, and what are they protecting? are they structured or haphazard, protective and preventative or hostile and armed? is your inner world a warzone or a sanctuary of safety? do you navigate it bravely, timidly, not at all? what voices do you hear, what faces do you see, whose influence do you feel? whose embrace do you long for? are there scars on the ground from things that have been taken from you, things that have been lost? does jesus walk there? are there doors in or out? are there rooms locked or open? if you were to let me in, how would my soul react to yours?

sidenotes;
i have the most dearest friends forever and ever

oxygen of kingdom citizens

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Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8

"The instruction in this text should not be lifted from its context...in the Sermon and abused...God [is not] a celestial slot machine. Pull the handle enough times in prayer, be persistent, and you will get what you want! Such thinking is entirely wrong! A text without a context is a pretext. Isolating this text from its setting in the Sermon on the Mount is deadly. The broad context of the Sermon sets down the surpassing righteousness, humility, sincerity, purity, and love expected of those who are members of the kingdom of God. These virtues are beyond human attainment apart from God's grace. The broad context underscores our need. In the immediately preceding context (vv. 1-6) Jesus has shown us the danger of condemning other people as if we were judges. He also has told us to get the plank out of our own eye before we attempt to remove a speck from someone else's. His warning is, 'For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you' (v. 2). This standard is terrifying. Who is adequate for such things? How can we live up to such a high standard? We need to be cleansed. We need help and grace, but from where? Jesus answers, 'Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you' (v. 7). This famous text is not carte blanche for our material desires. Rather, it tells us how to pray for the character of the kingdom in our lives. -Kent Hughes

There are at least three things that hinder us from going deeper in prayer. The first is the sneaking suspicion that prayer doesn’t matter. It’s easy to fall into a kind of fatalism that says 'God’s gonna do what God’s gonna do.' So we stop praying because we think nothing will change. Then there is the fear that we won’t pray in the 'right' way, that we won’t use the correct words or we won’t use the right formula and that God therefore won’t even bother to hear what we say. Finally most of us struggle with the little voice inside that tells us we’ve got more important things to do. Prayer is good but we need to get on with the 'real business' of the day. So we don’t pray as we ought or as we would like. Ray Pritchard

Ask (aiteo) means to ask for with urgency, even to the point of demanding. Aiteo more frequently suggests attitude of a suppliant means to makes a humble, earnest plea or entreaty), the petitioning of one who is lesser in position than he to whom the petition is made. To ask means to to call on for an answer, which indicates that we believe there is someone (our Father) listening. It also implies that we expect Him to answer or otherwise why ask?

Seek (zeteo) means to attempt to learn something by careful investigation or searching,  to desire to have or experience something or to try to obtain something from someone. Seeking is asking plus acting, implying earnest petitioning coupled with an active endeavoring to fulfill needs.

Knock (krouo) means to rap at a door for entrance and thus implies an even greater and more repetitive intensity than either asking or seeking. The English word "knock" comes from German word meaning to press!...The idea might imply praying in the face of difficulty and even resistance. If you knock like this, your desire for entrance must be very great indeed.

Note the ascending degree of intensity from asking then to seeking and finally to overtly knocking! Each of these verbs is in the present imperative, which is a command to do each of these activities continually. Jesus is calling for persistence in prayer. Prayer is as necessary to us as oxygen to our life. Prayer is the lifeline for citizens of the Kingdom of heaven who are still on earth and as such it expresses our continued dependence on Him as we beseech Him for the grace and power to live the supernatural life of surpassing righteousness that Jesus has described in this Sermon. In order to live out the righteousness we must ask and keep asking, seek and keep seeking and knock and keep knocking.

Kingdom citizens persist in desiring that the character, ambitions, attitudes, and behavior that Jesus called for be shown consistently in our lives. Yet we realize how impossible this is given our weaknesses, our propensity for sin, and our lack of power to obey (we have not forgotten the first Beatitude – 'blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven'). So our Lord tells us to call upon the God of the impossible! In other words, what Jesus has commanded in attitude, ambition, behavior, and deed cannot be done apart from persistent, ongoing, regular, faithful prayer.

Asking suggests dependence; seeking suggests yearning; knocking suggests persistence.

The potency of prayer has subdued the strength of fire, it has bridled the rage of lions, hushed anarchy to rest, extinguished wars, appeased the elements, expelled demons, burst the chains of death, expanded the fates of heaven, assuaged diseases, dispelled frauds, rescued cities from destruction, stayed the sun in its course, and arrested the progress of the thunderbolt. There is (in it) an all-sufficient panoply, a treasure undiminished, a mine which is never exhausted, a sky unobscured by clouds, a heaven unruffled by the storm. It is the root, the fountain, the mother of a thousand blessings! Beloved do I really believe this? Better yet do I really believe what Jesus promises to those who ask, seek and knock? My (and your) answer to this question will not be evidenced by a simple 'yes' or 'no' but by the 'calluses (or lack of) on our knees' so to speak!)"

Matthew 7:7-8 Commentary

i ask because i lack the capacity to obey you. because i feel the wayward and chaotic strains of my wandering heart that is prone to leave the god i love. i ask because you are my heavenly father and you look at me and see your treasured, precious daughter. i seek because i can't see in the dark, because i am desperate and recognition of my need has driven me from a posture of asking to movement - left, right, up, down: the answer must exist therefore i am seeking. i am knocking because i have found the source but it is hidden from me behind the kindness of your wooden doors which say "wait." but it's there, behind closed doors, and i will knock in a manner of expectancy and eagerness and hope characteristic of a daughter who knows she is loved by her father. i will knock because you promised to open the doors and because i am loved by my king who delights in me, who delights in fulfilling his promises to me, who delights in giving gifts to me as he molds me into christ's likeness. give me battered and callused and bruised knees.

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into the fray

object of my hope

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"ruth 1:13

ii. If Naomi was bitter or angry against God, she probably would have gone another way - further from the God of Israel, rather than back to Him. Instead, she showed that she trusted the sovereignty of God, and knew that despite her personal calamities, He is a good God who blesses.

iii. What Naomi could not see is that the hand of the LORD would go out for her shortly! There is never reason for us to despair if we believe the hand of the LORD has gone out against me. If we will return to Him, His hand will go out for us again! Naomi had no idea - not the slightest - of how greatly God was going to bless her in a short time.

ruth 1:21

d. The Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me . . . the LORD has brought me home again empty . . . the LORD has testified against me: Naomi was not afraid to see the hand of God in all her calamity.

i. Naomi knew that the tragedy that came into her life was not because of fate, chance, or blind fortune. She felt the tragedies were an example of God’s affliction because she could not see the end of His plan. But she knew there was a sovereign God of heaven, and didn’t think she had just run into a string of “bad luck.”

ii. Yet, in the midst of all these bitter circumstances, Naomi was not bitter against the LORD. We can imagine one of the villagers asking, “Naomi, if God has dealt very bitterly with you, if the LORD has brought you home empty, if the LORD has testified against you, then why have you come back?” And she would have said, “Because I want to get right with Him again. Things have been terrible, and the answer isn’t in going further from God, but in drawing closer to Him.”

iii. Not everyone reacts to trials the way Naomi did. “Many are humbled, but not humble; low, but not lowly. These have lost the fruit of their afflictions . . . and are therefore most miserable.” (Trapp)

ruth 2:1

ii. Sometimes we justify wrong choices because of difficult circumstances. But God will strengthen us, and bless us, to make the right choice, even in difficult circumstances.

ruth 2:2-3

ii. Many times when we are really walking in the Spirit, we can only see the invisible hand of God by looking back. If we spend too much time trying to look for His hand ahead of us, we can make problems for our self." Guzik commentary

"I've always found it curious that this proclamation of the Lord's never-ceasing and ever-new mercies and faithfulness is nested in the context of lament over God's sending Israel into exile for her unfaithfulness. This last year, as we studied Judges and saw how even God's punishment of Israel for her idolatry was a reflection of his faithfulness to the covenant he made with his people, and a consequence of his lovingly acting for their good and his glory, I was reminded of the daily faithfulness of God and newness of his mercies. And it strikes me that the context of this passage is a perfect reflection of God's faithfulness in every season.

Thank God that he is a living and active God, whose love and mercy never come to an end, even in meting out just punishment, as he is ever faithful to his character, to his Word. Therefore I will hope in him." -pnick

if i could only see. if i could squeeze hope out of my bones, wash off the fear that clings to my skin, throw it at the obstinate blankness which lingers in my path. where is your redemption in families? vision? obedience? surrender? sacrifice? if i cry out for a fortune telling will you instead increase my faith? i guess there is no hope in my bones, and that's why i must desperately stake all of me in a hope outside of me. i ask because i lack. i'm asking, i'm seeking, i'm knocking.

sidenotes;
ahm nitty gritty
on another note, i am presently feeling particularly affectionate of my dearest friends ahhhh