if i were trying to sound articulate or artful in describing depression, and if my audience was someone else, i might try harder to string words together. but this is for me and for future me, so:
i began feeling depressive symptoms in october and they lasted through to december, worsening over time. i started meds end of december. this depressive episode was the most severe i've ever experienced: i had no control over my brain; it was always on overdrive, ruminating obsessively over how anxious i felt over all the blurry/undefined tasks i had not done yet. at night i had heart palpitations and couldn't fall asleep for hours, watching the light behind the window blinds change color over time. i'd wake up hours before my alarm in a panic, and hate myself for waking up. getting out of bed was difficult on the weekdays, impossible on the weekends; 8am filled me with dread for the whole day and i was sure that in no time it would be 8pm and i wouldn't have accomplished anything i intended to do. i couldn't remember where i left off in any of my classes, and couldn't concentrate on lesson planning for more than 5 minutes. after my work day i'd take a nap or lie on the couch until it got dark - it was easier to be asleep and unconscious than to be awake and exhausted. eventually walking up and down five steps was exhausting and my legs felt heavy and weak. i had no interest in my plants, could not focus on books or shows, (did i watch anything in the fall?), did not want to exercise, did not want to cook. 4pm felt like a death sentence - it was dark, ever present zombies of my brain more active as i just waited for the day to be over. every morning was a death march waiting for bedtime. january wasn't much better.
but february there was a beautiful sunset and i enjoyed that - i had not felt enjoyment in months. doing laundry and touching the cold water to rinse the detergent off the cap no longer felt like dipping my tired hands in ice. i made a banana bread. flowers i didn't expect to grow pushed out two tiny yellow flowers, and my accident snow pea plant outgrew its trellis. by march i was able to lesson plan for longer. i made some cowboy cookie dough. i went on walks by myself, and my brain began to quiet. by april i was doing things i typically enjoyed doing. time slowed, my brain slowed, i was able to stop thinking consciously about regulating my breathing.
the things that got me through this episode: one episode of breaking bad a day for structure. one walk a day and pokemon go. my pills. emmanuel cooking for me. siblings meeting with me every tuesday night. yoga, at first. consistency. and time.