hardest

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hardest person for me to love, ever

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iono fam

opaque

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i would like to dissect the psychology of blogging/online diary keeping as related to the increasing isolation we discuss in humanities classes. why is it that we feel "safer" being vulnerable and transparent on the internet? does the dividing wall of the screen somehow justify unfiltered disclosure of intimate struggles? do we do this at the expense of real life, interpersonal relationships? what is it that we're sacrificing here? is online vulnerability a means to achieve something, or has it become the unintended goal? what is the future we are painting for the next generation entrusted into our hands? how can we victoriously use the internet as a mere resource for our spiritual, mental, and emotional growth so as to forbid it from becoming our crutch - not to mention a false god which we worship in parched dependence?

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listening to natural self, radio citizen, & rdj2 < 3 so heppy

left field

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my heart? wait how did this happen i'm so confused

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lol

ten times harder

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why is it that i love speaking truth and encouragement to everyone else but when it comes to myself it's ten times harder this is so dumb

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so dumb

cultureshock

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I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O Lord.

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O Lord; may your love and your truth always protect me.

Psalm 40:7

being back home is strangely anticlimactic in a stifling and surreal way. the lack of urgency here feels like a heavy blanket over my head. i am confronted with the short attention span of my humanness, because being physically far-removed from tenderloin/berkeley gives my brain a false sense of security and peace -- false, because this security and peace finds its source in the comfort of luxury. poverty is no longer manifest in the physical world here. i can't see poverty prowling the dirty streets. i can't smell poverty making its angry, foul demands at me for attention, nor can i hear poverty shrieking profanities down drug infested streets. just because i am in irvine doesn't negate everything my heart has inhaled this summer. and as i sit here in coffeebean, i feel dismay begin to claw tightly around my heart as i begin to feel more and more alone in the heart mentality that has so violently dug deep into who i am.

"the culture shock will likely be in the mentality, the rhythm of life, the degrees to which people understand or engage with what has been so close to your heart this summer." -nhsieh 

"My prayer for you as you return is for protection and that God would be your strength in spirit, soul, and mind. I myself am going through the difficulty and the spiritual attacks that come with returning to life after a mission trip, or conference, or any intense spiritual journey the Lord takes us on. But lets not let it be just a returning, but a sending out into a new mission field. You have been equipped with authority and with power and with truth. I pray that your identity in Christ will be secure. Praying right now against physical ailment, against temptation, against worry and anxiety and depression, and praying against discouragement and impatience with the self-sufficient, comfortable and ignorant condition of the heart of so many people in socal. I pray that even now God would use your experiences to reach those who you share it with to bring glory to His name and that to those who won't understand, God will give understanding in His own time." -pferido

 

“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.” -Miriam Adeney

sidenotes;
this is a place of aloneness that i am fearful of staying in; i don't have strength to maintain a posture of satisfaction when i face the daunting silence that echoes back to my question, "do you know? do you know what i have seen this summer?"

ever deeper roots

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ever deeper roots, ever sweeter communion. may ever louder praise incessantly flow from my heart. may all know that you are king. ever more, always & forever.