gratitude

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sometimes i am sorely tempted to claim presumptuously and dramatically that i am "well acquainted with the night." this week has been a blur of perturbing ups and downs: my anxiety at rigoberto's, my apartment mate's unexplained return home, my room mate's family pain, losing my ID card, losing my sociology notes, hearing his name over and over this week, getting feverish last night.

but by His grace, i feel the knot in my heart melting away by the remembrance of His love and faithfulness. i am left with an overwhelming sense of peace and gratitude and there is little else i want to do but continue reading for my wonderfully thought-provoking/eye-opening/mind-blowing classes, bake muffins, and hug everyone.

nothing happened at rigoberto's -- although afterwards, my sinful propensity towards self-pity was humbled by an encouraging email i received. my apartment mate returned and i realized that my fears were largely unfounded. i am so thankful that i get to walk through life with my roomie. i found my ID card in my jacket pocket, i restored my sociology notes, and i am no longer sick. God has given me so much joy in baking for people and every time a stranger smiles or says hi, my heart can't help but feel uplifted. God is so good to me a;ksjd;f < 3 it is well with my soul.

It is good to praise the Lord

and make music to your name, O Most High,

proclaiming your love in the morning

and your faithfulness at night,

For you make me glad by your deeds, Lord;

I sing for joy at what your hands have done.

How great are your works, Lord,

how profound your thoughts!

The righteous will flourish like a palm tree,

they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon;

planted in the house of the Lord,

they will flourish in the courts of our God.

They will still bear fruit in old age,

they will stay fresh and green,

proclaiming, “The Lord is upright;

he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him.”
Psalm 92:1-2, 4-5, 12-15

sidenotes;
to bake: carrot cream cheese muffins, blueberry streusel muffins, chocolate banana muffins :)

from the mind of a fictional hopeless romantic

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"she was an unremarkable girl with mahogany rimmed glasses sitting near the window of the local coffee shop. i wish i could read minds and maybe hear the music she was swaying to. sometimes she was entirely engaged in the book in front of her, and other times she was  leisurely scanning the room over the rim of her mug of english breakfast tea, drinking in details of passerby's with what i like to imagine as an unbridled curiosity.

'here is your coffee, sir.'

i entertained the idea of a conversation and quickly dismissed it. i was, by no means, as charming as i would like to imagine. i wondered at the enthusiasm she might effuse with every word, and facetiously convinced myself that i would thereupon be enthralled by that contagious enthusiasm, even if she liked something i disliked.

but after a minute of aimless meanderings in my imagined world, i remembered the latte i had yet to make.

'just a moment, ma'm!'

she was but a stranger -- although, no longer just unremarkable in my overactive imagination. i continued about my day and she left the coffee shop. perhaps, tomorrow."

sidenotes;
/being facetious in a perpetual state of suspension on a rainy friday

this post meant nothing. i blame it on the trippy indie music and the melodramatically enigmatic quotations on tumblr. also because i wanted to use the words "unremarkable" and "unbridled" and "effuse" and "facetious". i also want to use the words "dismantle" and "disenfranchise" and "belittle" and "deign" and "detrimental" and "vie"
sometimes i wonder what goes on in the minds of teenage romance novel writers. they are either brilliantly sneaky and know how to target teenagers or they are incredibly and stupidly still teenagers at heart. it cracks me up srsly. because if i lived in a romance novel i would probably be that snarky random in chapter 2 that the author would kill off

life is great. i donno why i am so amused
also i did absolutely nothing today

God of justice

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in any other life, i very well may have been a depressed and disillusioned writer.

how did those professing christians sleep at night knowing they have looked upon the eyes of a human, determined him a beast, and tore his back to shreds? how did those nazi doctors convince themselves it was perfectly noble to embed shards of glass into a child's arm? how did the u.s. government fail miserably to blink in the face of torture as they lied and said they would heal them of "bad blood" when in reality, they were intentionally injecting syphilis strands? how did the bankers of wallstreet get away with billions after lying to an entire country?

i feel entirely insufficient and inarticulate a writer to give words to the outrage i feel in my gut. how do i reconcile the desire for justice and the potentially inevitable cloud of disillusionment? God, have mercy.

i can't do anything but fall helplessly to my knees knowing that You see all this and infinitely more; You see men's hearts and You see all the brokenness. woe to those who know not the fury they pile on their heads. God, have mercy.

sidenotes;
it is a rainy friday!
i really want to bake a carrot cake. & a mini pie.
blogspot facelift :)

updated book list:
the human condition, hannah arendt
discipline and punish, michele foucault
mirrored reflections by chloe sun
let me be a woman by elisabeth elliot
freedom + boundaries by kevin deyoung
prayer, richard j. foster

of wallflowers and fearfulness

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my memory accumulates faces, overheard conversations, secret smiles i am not privy to.

i feel as if i am determined to look away from this large gaping pit, as if by peripheral vision i could deny its existence and by enabling others to fight their monsters, i could starve mine into weakness. but it is determined to have my attention, this bothersome something in my heart. i am not so strong as i would like to delude the world into thinking. i am a coward.

because when he said he betrayed his friends and his conscience to be there, in my heart he was no longer there.

"how are you?" they say: and i imagine that i see past it, perhaps because i don't trust their intentions, or that these three words reek of shallow conversation, or that i deny anyone the opportunity to help bear this heaviness, or that i find it unnecessary to add to their's.

i am captive of the fear i beget in  my own mind because i speak of authenticity until it has become falsehood. and this is when my chest caves in.

if you tell me to leave, i just might. do you know how you hurt me so? but i suppose i don't know either

/being a melodramatic writer

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say "It is well" -I Will Rise, Chris Tomlin

sidenotes;

peace, He said
can i just eat cereal and milk and ice cream all day

mephibosheth

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on 2 samuel 9; david & mephibosheth

"i. David’s grace to Mephibosheth is a wonderful picture of God’s grace to us. We are Mephibosheth.

·        We are hiding, poor, weak, lame, and fearful before our King comes to us
·        We are separated from our King because of our wicked ancestors
·        We are separated from our King because of our deliberate actions
·        We separated ourselves from the King because we didn't know him or His love for us
·        Our King sought us out before we sought Him
·        The King's kindness is extended to us for the sake of another
·        The King's kindness is based on covenant
·        We must receive the King's kindness in humility
·        The King returns to us what we lost in hiding from Him
·        The King returns to us more than what we lost in hiding from Him
·        We have the privilege of provision at the King's table
·        We are received as sons at the King's table, with access to the King and fellowship with Him
·        We receive servants from the King
·        The King's honor does not immediately take away all our weakness and lameness, but it gives us a favor and standing that overcomes its sting and changes the way we think about ourselves

ii. David's grace to Mephibosheth is also a pattern for us in serving and ministering to others. We are David.

·        We should seek out our enemies and seek to bless them
·        We should look for the poor, weak, lame, and hidden to bless them
·        We should bless others when they don't deserve it, and bless them more than they deserve
·        We should bless others for the sake of someone else
·        W must show the kindness of God to others"
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sidenotes;

discovering wounds

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sometimes the quietness of my apartment becomes suffocating and i imagine my chest caving in. there is little else i can muster energy to do besides curl up in bed and pityingly eat hazelnut mascarpone ice cream. stare at my freezing hands. listen to my breathing.


when i see your faces i feel my heart ignore my objecting cry as it crumbles to pieces. & as i listen to you laugh in the face of certain death and watch you toiling as lord of your dying world, i am tempted hug my knees until they bruise as if by brute strength i could somehow alleviate this anguish or perhaps hold my heart together in some sort of discernible order.


also you are a blind spot in my vision that i don't know how to resolve without inadvertently bringing harm to myself
because it hurts to grieve a living person i don't know anymore
someone tell me it was worth it because i can't convince myself over these gaping wounds i didn't know existed


sidenotes;
i donno

fears, jono mccleery
i don't trust myself, john mayer
someone to watch over me, amy winehouse

relationships

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today at church i found myself testing the dangerous waters of discontentment and self-righteous entitlement. i was disgusted by myself. here is just a poignant pondering:

the young adult/high school christian culture today sees relationships strangely because now society tells everyone that:

1) soul mates exist

2) soul mate must be yearned for

and even for the self titled realist with an aversion to the "hopeless romantic" route, society somehow says that:
1) everyone is entitled to a relationship (as if a relationship is some kind of reward thing? what did you do to deserve a person? what are you, a slave master? wat.)
2) you'll find someone compatible to you

but those assumptions lead to

1) unrightfully over-romanticizing relationships & unhealthy fantasizing

2) idolizing relationships
3) forgetting what God made people for -- to worship Him, bring glory to Him, love Him, be loved by Him

therefore christians today are all confused when it comes to:

1) college

2) relationships

because culture tells us these are of utmost importance. but the bible says nothing, except for restricting marriage to believers. which either means that:

1) God doesn't care

2) God doesn't want us to idolize these things

and by process of elimination the first doesn't make any sense.

so my conclusion is that God wants us to surrender everything to him including our hunger/greed for a relationship, because innate in that desire is actually a sinful desire to be a little god (aka to be worshiped by someone in the form of love). and when He deems it right, He will orchestrate accordingly and that relationship will bring glory to Him and not to the humans. we can also rest assured knowing that He sees our hearts, that He is sanctifying us, and that He loves us so very much.

i am once again reminded to honor my brothers' integrity by meticulously and continuously examining my own heart, because as a daughter of Eve, i am, like her, sinfully prone to manipulation and self-idolatry.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14

I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. Psalm 119:11

sidenotes;
1) hohum god is good to me even though i am dumb sometimes
i have a lot to learn about how God redeems relationships because it hurts to see my brothers and sisters hurt each other, or to see my sisters be manipulative, or to see my brothers not lead intentionally.
but i can rest assured in knowing that He is a God of redemption. He is such a good God who has so very extravagantly proven His heart for redeeming and reconciling us through Christ's sacrifice.

2) also indecisive people or perpetually absent-minded people make me really frustrated, sorry lol
deepen my understanding of Your grace towards me so that 1) i may feel anguish for people and love on them with grace and patience and 2) that i may kill the source of frustration which is unquestionably and simply my un-Christlike attitude towards people who bother me--as if i am somehow the center of the world. because i am most definitely, not.

3) forever wallflower

mulberry trees

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And when you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the balsam trees, then rouse yourself, for then the LORD has gone out before you to strike down the army of the Philistines. 2 Samuel 5:24


"As the Rabbis have it, and it is a very pretty conceit if it be true, the footsteps of angels walking along the tops of the mulberry trees make them rustle; that was the sign for them to fight, when God’s cherubim were going with them, when they should come, who can walk through the clouds and fly through the air, led by the great Captain himself, walking along the mulberry trees, and so make a rustle by their celestial footsteps...

There are times, you know, 'when thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees.' You have a peculiar power in prayer; the Spirit of God gives you joy and gladness; the Scripture is open to you; the promises are applied; you walk in the light of God's countenance, and his candle shines about your head; you have peculiar freedom and liberty in devotion; perhaps you have got less to attend to in the world and more closeness of communion with Christ than you used to have. Now is the time; now, when you hear the 'sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees.' Now is the time to bestir yourselves; now is the time to get rid of any evil habit that still remains now is the season in which God the Spirit is with you." -Spurgeon

"How is it that such supernatural directions and assistance are not communicated now? Because they are not asked for; and they are not asked for because they are not expected; and they are not expected because  men have not faith; and they have not faith because they are under a refined spirit of atheism  and have no spiritual intercourse with their Maker." -Adam Clarke

"-Do not murmur at your busyness or the shortness of time, but buy up the time all around.
-Never exaggerate duties by seeming to suffer under the load, but treat all responsibilities as liberty and gladness.
-Never call attention to crowded work or trivial experiences.
-Before confrontation or censure, obtain from God a real love for the one at fault. Know the facts; be generous in your judgment. Otherwise, how ineffective, how unintelligible or perhaps provocative your well-intentioned censure may be.
-Never allow yourself to be placed in favorable contrast with anyone.
-Archbishop Benson" -Spiritual Leadership, J. Oswald Sanders

sidenotes;
mm it is good to be back in sd

it helps in all circumstances to remember how God sees me: He sees me not just in 2013, but throughout my whole life. He sees all the change and sees me as a perfect bride, made perfect for eternal fellowship with Him via a lifelong of sanctification by discipline and guidance from His loving hands.

peets hibiscus tea, john mayer, sociology + lit reading on a crisp sunday afternoon :)

change

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relient k's mmhmm album was the first taste of music i encountered. i was twelve. rock, christian rock, alternative: sanctus real, tenth avenue north, phil wickham, superchick. i struggled through middle school and grappled with bitterness and all the angst that accompanies the wonderful age of thirteen, all the while finding confused refuge in the christian rock music. it was good, clean, loud music.

and then i was fifteen, and i stumbled upon the most endearing, happy music yet: piano pop. joy williams, ingrid michaelson, jess penner, colbie caillat, regina spektor. it was still comforting music because it was predictable and happy and it lifted the corners of my lips in the midst of studying for apush (a class i blatantly nicknamed uni's "hell").

and then at sixteen years, i heard john mayer's voice and my music life was forever changed. i fell head over heels for blues and jazz and crooning voices. i found corinne bailey rae, jamie cullum, norah jones, michael buble, jack johnson, jason mraz. their music accompanied me through college paperwork.

then all of a sudden, i was an eighteen year old college student sitting in my room listening to indie music to shut out the clamor of hormonal conversation outside my door. it was kings of convenience, bombay bicycle club, young the giant, gungor, monsters calling home. i heard their music accompanying memories of the person who made my freshman year so very unexpectedly different and sweet and painful.

and as i was gathering my breath and wits and broken pieces i found myself being healed and loved by Him, sitting at home after a fast sophomore fall quarter, looking ahead to winter quarter. 1:30am, wrapped in blankets, blowing on frozen fingers, listening to music i would never have imagined liking as a twelve year old, a fifteen year old, a sixteen year old, an eighteen year old. now the rabbits have the gun and the paper kites added themselves to the indie music, but i also found a strange love for downtempo and when i rediscovered as tall as lions, i fell into the deep end with trifonic and stateless and six parts seven and snowmine and the xx and kye kye.

the one thing consistent through all of this change, however, is this contagious eagerness that bubbles up inside of me when i listen to the music. the other beautiful thing is that God sees all of the change. He sees everything from my evolving music taste to the tears i shed in my eighth grade algebra class to the confusion i grappled with last year. He sees. He loves. and it's so wonderful to trace everything back to His faithfulness, for He is the source of all things good.

sidenotes;
okay seriously, i can't even.
i love stateless & six parts seven & snowmine right now omgosh.
this has definitely been a season of basking in how He is sovereign in my life and how He loves me and how He knows me