i heard an ad in a podcast episode recently that mentioned the term, "pluralistic ignorance." it describes a phenomenon in which an individual mistakenly assumes their private ideas/attitudes/feelings are different than that of those around them. misperception of others' beliefs, conformity to the (incorrectly) perceived acceptable social norms.
if everything is perception is anything real? in any case. i am less than a week into my doctoral journey. i am unsure what to make of the dissonance i feel in my chest every time we are asked to introduce ourselves by our research interests. is that what hints at the contours of this bubble that is an individualistic rat-race of careerism and self-importance? or is it the large words people use like "fungibility" (wtf), or the esoteric gems like research group, QEs, etc. etc. maybe it's the lack of eye contact and the subtle eye rolls and dead eyes. and speed at which everyone seems to be moving: too fast to notice the person next to you, too fast to breathe, too fast. is everyone aware that everything is a performance, a farce, or am i being holden caulfield? lol
i think i need to work on the muscle of humor, dgaf-ness, and wit. perhaps in making light of the clownshow i may find some redemption and fun. i need to improvise and play with jazz; hear an internal rhythm that is my own amidst the caca-phony (lol! good one) and be both immovable in the current and nimble. or be able to navigate to quieter waters. or develop the muscles necessary to swim upstream. to swim slower, to breathe deeper, to listen harder.
i will continue to observe the social drama even as i participate in it and/or am shaped by it. everyone is a universe. i need not live in anyone's but my own. may i always come home.