sinner in waves of grace

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sometimes things suck, & i'm blind and deaf. i don't know how to see because i don't know what i'm looking for, and i can't hear because all i hear is my own justified discontentment. i want obnoxious & neon telltale signs of Him speaking to me because i'm so blind and deaf that i can't detect anything else. other times things aren't so bad, and maybe the confusion from yesterday has quieted and i notice little things throughout the day that tell me He's knocking at the door.

yesterday the concept of a gracious God got lost in my sin, guilt, & disgust. and because i'm a helpless christian with doubts sometimes, i struggle and squirm and over-complicate things.

so i suppose, in times like these i'm thankful for the faithful God of the bible who loved, forgave, & used people like solomon, david, samson, paul, peter.

"To receive mercy we must first know that God is merciful. And it is not enough to believe that He once showed mercy to Noah or Abraham or David and will again show mercy in some happy future day. We must believe that God's mercy is boundless, free and, through Jesus Christ our Lord, available to us now in our present situation...we may, if we will, lay hold on the mercy of God by faith, enter the hall, and sit down with the bold and avid souls who will not allow diffidence and unbelief to keep them from the feast of fat things prepared for them." -The Knowledge of the Holy, A.W. Tozer

the beautiful thing of it all is that the christian life was never meant to be perfectly rosy, & He's still Him even when i wander or fail.

"To 'abound' in sin: that is the worst and the most we could or can do. The word abound defines the limit of our finite abilities; and although we feel our iniquities rise over us like a mountain, the mountain, nevertheless, has definable boundaries; it is so large, so high, it weighs only this certain amount and no more.But who shall define the limitless grace of God? Its 'much more' plunges our thoughts into infinitude and confunds them there. All thanks be to God for grace abounding.

We who feel ourselves alienated from the fellowship of God can now raise our discouraged heads and look up. Through the virtues of Christ's atoning death the cause of our banishment has been removed.We may return as the  Prodigal returned, and be welcome. As we approach the Garden, our home before the Fall, the flaming sword is withdrawn. The keepers of the tree of life stand aside when they see a son fo grace approaching." -The Knowledge of the Holy, A.W. Tozer

sidenotes;
reason to sing, all sons & daughters
random, but i think it would be super cool to have a husband who can woodwork :p
corel painter essentials 4 !!

heavy

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Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Psalm 51:10-12

i don't really know how to describe it. it's kind of like the muffled, thick silence you hear when there's water in your ears. that silence sits on my chest and although i have memories of past joy, i find very little reality in those memories, just like i find very little motivation to fight. sometimes it's the sin of self-pity and sometimes it's doubt. it's my lack of understanding of His character, it's the helplessness that's carved into my humanness. the obvious signs are the waves of disgust that make me nauseous as i look at the red, bruise-like marks. the not so obvious, but probably more telling signs are the frightening ease with which i tire of all the "right steps" to take back, or the desire to hide or the desire to do nothing. i know He can rescue, i know He is faithful, i know i know i know. but my knowledge doesn't seem to be enough. i kind of just don't want to know anymore.