dreams pt iv

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i haven't done this in a very long time, and since the last time i did it, i have been burnt out, discouraged, and eventually became hopeless. it's interesting to see that some of my past dreams did come to fruition: namely the nationwide revival (more like nationwide awareness of racial injustice), seeing several SAMI branches being started, doing the campus wide social justice cafe night, and watching the ethnic studies now! coalition advocating for ethnic studies classes throughout california. i did not end up going back for berkeley for that internship i applied for, nor did i meet the activists i wanted to meet. instead i got an internship in san diego and met different people who eventually were the same people to write emails to congratulate me for graduating and to welcome the new sami leadership. i can now climb v5's and 5.11a-d's, and i did get a road bike that i named cariño. i did not run a half marathon yet.

i decided against starting a stationery business because i prefer using my art to bless people individually and not to earn money off of it. i'm not currently writing any novels, but i am writing an article for inheritance magazine. i didn't get a new camera, but i did get the chance to take photos for inheritance.

i still dream of rescuing two dogs. i also look forward to seeing younger girls become admirable and driven women of god who will in turn invest in other ladies. i dream of getting married. i also dream of teaching ethnic studies in a community college setting, and perhaps getting acquainted with the ethnic studies requirement that is being rolled out in lausd. i wonder why i do not feel like i have the emotional scope or willingness to dream on such a large scale anymore. i don't know what else to dream for. i dream to see my friend a.m. follow jesus.

november 2013 part iv
april 2012 part iii
nov 2011 part ii
feb 2011 part i

sidenotes;

meander

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since moving back, i've started around four or five different blog posts only to abandon it after a few meandering sentences. i have felt very un-myself lately, which means that i am likely changing and don't know how to process through it all. here are some things lately in my post grad life that i've noticed:

1) i never wished harder in my life than now for financial independence and autonomy. what is it about freedom that has made it become so valuable to me to the point that i effectively pine away for it?
2) there is a lot of anger in my heart. i see it when i cuss randomly during traffic or in my own reflection when disgust splashes across my face when i see certain peoples' posts on social media.
3) trust, hope, and joy have for most part become vague aftertastes of memories that both belong to me because they were mine and don't belong to me because they are so far away. i'm generally okay though, because i don't let myself sit in the emptiness for too long.
4) my heart seems to have atrophied, i don't suffer gracefully at all.