object of my hope ii

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Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life—gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God...We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next...But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, “. . . believe also in Me” (John 14:1), not, “Believe certain things about Me.” -Oswald Chambers, 4.29 utmost

There are many who have rejoiced in the presence of God for a season; they have basked in the sunshine in the earlier stages of their Christian career; they have walked along the "green pastures" by the side of the "still waters," but suddenly they find the glorious sky is clouded; instead of the Land of Goshen they have to tread the sandy desert; in the place of sweet waters, they find troubled streams, bitter to their taste, and they say, "Surely, if I were a child of God, this would not happen." Oh! say not so, thou who art walking in darkness. The best of God's saints must drink the wormwood; the dearest of His children must bear the cross. No Christian has enjoyed perpetual prosperity; no believer can always keep his harp from the willows. Perhaps the Lord allotted you at first a smooth and unclouded path, because you were weak and timid. He tempered the wind to the shorn lamb, but now that you are stronger in the spiritual life, you must enter upon the riper and rougher experience of God's full-grown children. We need winds and tempests to exercise our faith, to tear off the rotten bough of self-dependence, and to root us more firmly in Christ. The day of evil reveals to us the value of our glorious hope. -Spurgeon morning meditation, 4.29

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Psalm 43:5

interrogate my soul, strengthen myself in God

anchor: God's active outworking

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Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. Psalm 127:1

god to david through nathan:

“Go and tell my servant David, ‘This is what the Lord says: Are you the one to build me a house to dwell in? I have not dwelt in a house from the day I brought the Israelites up out of Egypt to this day. I have been moving from place to place with a tent as my dwelling. Wherever I have moved with all the Israelites, did I ever say to any of their rulers whom I commanded to shepherd my people Israel, “Why have you not built me a house of cedar?”’ 2 Samuel 7:5-7

david's prayer in response:

“Lord Almighty, God of Israel, you have revealed this to your servant, saying, ‘I will build a house for you.’ So your servant has found courage to pray this prayer to you. Sovereign Lord, you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant.” 2 Samuel 7:27-28

"Waiting is a movement. People who wait have received a promise that allows them to wait. They have received something that is at work in them, like a seed that has started to grow. This is very important. We can only really wait if what we are waiting for has already begun for us. So waiting is never a movement from nothing to something. It is always a moving from something to something more.

Waiting is also active. Most of us think of waiting as something very passive, a hopeless state determined by events totally out of our hands. But none of this passivity marks the waiting in scripture. It is active, because in our waiting we know that something is growing from the ground on which we are standing. Active waiting means to be fully present to the moment in a conviction that something is happening where you are and you want to be present to it." -Henri Nouwen, “A Spirituality of Waiting”

God, as he has divinely revealed himself in the word, is a God who is actively and personally involved in this world. He claims all the glory not by stealing the credit of human labor -- but because he is the one who is laboring, and he presents us with the privilege to work alongside him in obedient participation. he prepares people for ministry (moses, joshua, david, joseph, samuel, etc); he makes the situation impossible so that it is clear that it was he who granted the israelites victory or rescue; he graciously emboldens and encourages those who are discouraged or fearful (joshua, elijah, gideon, jonah etc). this is the God i serve and he requires me to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with him. he requires me to love him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength - he does not command me to know everything that is going on, to control everything, to ensure that things go according to plan. he knows that it is beyond my limits to oversee results so to work for his glory is to let him shoulder the responsibility of the "results." he is the sole active pronoun in the bible and i worship him by the inner posture of rest and dependence that i adopt as i embrace the daily allotment of work he grants me. to forget that he was the one who brought me to this point or to forget that he has promised to be with me in the future is to fail to give him all the glory by my lack of utter dependence upon him.

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i think i am always thinking about what season i am in. maybe today i can just sit in the season and be still and know that he is God
also i think God grows me most in my utter dependence on him and so it is through pain, suffering, loss, failure, discouragement, etc. that he strips away my sense of wellbeing and security in other things so that it may rightfully rooted in him.
if i were to sum up how i've been feeling since coming back from sf, i'd hands down say "needy"

processing vulnerability ii

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there is much on my heart but i feel like i'm not wearing glasses because everything is kind of fuzzy. things i am processing through:

-we project our childhood wounds into the present. a useful tool is to differentiate how we interpret present situations from internalized lens of interpretation; the key is not the interpretation but rather the lens. what do the lens say about you?

-we may sometimes (often, or always) be unaware of the ways our childhood wounds inform the way we presently think, feel, and act. are you walking around unaware of your injuries while suffering the pain?

-while triggers of worthlessness and self-images of pride/worth seem diametrically opposite, they are indicators of the same wounds. we overcompensate because we are fearful creatures; the things that we lean upon as sources of reassurance and strength say more about our tender spots than about the things themselves.

-God uses present needs and emotional states as resurfaced symptoms of deeply rooted wounds; if we are attentive to the surrounding triggers that jarred our sense of emotional well-being, we'll see that we may be presented to an opportunity to pinpoint root issues.
-your needs are uniquely yours and not to be compared, exalted, diminished, dismissed, or otherwise hampered. give yourself permission to see your needs as sites of God's tenderness
EDIT// -how i understand love today may be directly related to how i understood being unloved

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i feel reaaaaally tired

processing vulnerability i

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i seem to have a vast, churning internal world that i allow few people to fully access. it is hugely disconnected from my external world, and connecting these two worlds is a fragile bridge which i guard fiercely by trumpeted principles of "intentional investment" and "proven trust" and "introversion." while i love the way God has created my temperament, and while i am able to sit in my inner world (able to process), i am largely unaware of how to welcome others (who haven't "proven" themselves) into this space - & idk when this is required or if it even is required. the turmoil consumes substantial energy and leaves my muscles for movement between the inner and the outer atrophied. in other words, i not only have a difficult time communicating with others that i need company to cross the bridge, but i also have a difficult time communicating when company becomes a threat. in the first situation i find that i shut down and wallow in self-pity. in the second situation i find that i shut down and quiver in my bomb shelter of "duty" that shouts down my own needs in order to meet the needs of the friend (unintentional threat?) knocking at (stomping cluelessly on?) my bridge.

it is also easier to be retrospectively vulnerable by way of presenting nicely packaged stories of brokenness and healing than it is to be concurrently vulnerable by way of digging up messiness, airing it to communities of faith, wincing from the expectation of backlash, and receiving the confounding gift of acceptance and grace.

now, all that being said, i can content myself in embracing my God-crafted temperament, processing style, and needs. however, i need to practice my atrophied muscles and frequent that bridge. also i am falling asleep as i type this soooo lol

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mer