frankenstein

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"it became a thing of glass. one slip of an unaware finger and the sound of echoing tinkles would fill the suffocating air. she couldn't afford to hear the sound of shards striking the ground because the pieces would fly back together again as if nothing happened. it had evolved a mind of its own and mutinously refused to share its secrets with its host as it executed hijacking of the most slick kind, leaving no evidence behind.

sinewy, life sustaining muscle had become a self destructive piece of machinery gone haywire as it turned upon itself with machine-like accuracy.

it was everything but the thing she most desperately wanted it to be: under her control."

sidenotes;
a;lskdfj;asdlfk
losing vision, running on fading memories & tripping into doubt
white noise
static

struggling

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"it felt like an allergic reaction, maybe.

or perhaps it was a cruel trick puppeteered by mischievous sprites.

she frowned and wearily banished the thought from her mind. there were no such things as sprites.

all she knew was that she didn't know anymore. it was foreign, frighteningly so, to be so easily reduced to tears. it was as if her tear ducts were clogged and any stupid trigger could momentarily open the floodgates. her throat would close. all doors shut mockingly in her face. every attempt, thrown aside with devastating ease.

how fitting. the girl with the iron resolve at the mercy of the very thing she had once mocked."

/just a doodle

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i don't know

it was randomly foggy & chilly today even though the weather forecast predicted 70 degrees
thank you, God

dearly loved

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But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

the angry red paper cut reflected in his concerned eyes as she waved her afflicted finger in his face. all the five year old needed was to be held in her father's arms and although her paper cut did not magically disappear, she could rest at ease in the reassuring embrace of a father's love.

this is a shadow of the love our abba father has for us. "you are my dearly loved child," he says with open arms. we needn't hide our tears or flee from the reality that we are fragile, easily bruised, & broken. what five year old daughter hides her tears before her father with the hope that he will see her as a mature woman when in fact she is clearly not? how egotistical & vain it is to cling to the delusion that we are somehow strong, self-sufficient, and immune to the troubles of this world.

a father would not glance dismissively at his crying five year old daughter's plea for comfort. he would not expect her to have a freakish, robotic ability to turn off the tears & shut down the fear and panic in her heart. we are not conveniently custom made with a power switch, and on the same token, neither do we have a pause button. a father wouldn't tell his teary child to cater to his schedule so that he can offer comfort only when he is not busy.

in the same way, our abba father does not look down on our pain and he is never too busy to listen to our prayers. he stepped into the midst of our broken world as Christ incarnate to suffer alongside us to show precisely how much he cares. through Christ's ministry of reconciliation, we can reach God. we can find reassurance from the God of all comfort. we can dwell in a place of quietude and peace.

"The seemingly petty and insignificant matters are a great magnitude to Him because these things are a great magnitude to us."

"Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living... Obedience involves...this warring with worries and regrets, this bringing into captivity our thoughts. We have planted (in our integrity) the banner of our trust in God. The consequences are his responsibility." -Elisabeth Elliot, Passion & Purity

"To come to a pleasure you have not, you must go by a way in which you enjoy not." St. John on the cross

sidenotes;

struggling

learning to dream part iii

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i now have my own sony5n & i love it more than i would a dslr. (: i can speak conversational korean. i have seen so much divine orchestration in many areas of my life, one of which is so fully covered by God's fingerprints that it takes my breath away. i can now run 5k, and i am scheduled for a 5k mud race this coming saturday! i have gotten to know many of the harvest sisters better. there has been hints of faith in my brief correspondences with f.h. & l.c., and i'm excited for where that will take us.

i want to take photography and sketching classes through ucsd extension. i would still very much like to be a neuroscience/physiology major with a human development minor. i'm curious about studying abroad, at dartmouth or u.k. or korea.

i'd like to open my own stationery business over the summer. i want to train up to a half marathon. i still want a toller & an aussie when i grow up. i dream and pray that people in my life will come before christ in brokenness & full surrender.

i want to go on missions in asia through omf. i'd like to pursue physical therapy or veterinary studies, maybe. i want to learn greek.

i am excited for what He has in store (:

[ learning to dream part ii ]

so it begins

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After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10 

thought#1; it wasn't urine but blood that i saw. the fight-or-flight response kicked in, and i chose flight. i smothered the fear that i would further aggravate my body and i ran, accompanied by the morbidly amused thought: "my body is deteriorating. i'm only 18. my body is deteriorating."

thought#2; "do you even love me?" she implied. and there i was, pointing the finger of blame, playing the victim card, hypocritically groping for justification as i sat firmly in the stifling pit of my sin. i was an easy target for satan, who had been grasping the many footholds with greedy hands, unnoticed until now.

thought#3; we forgive and love out of the overflow, and encounters with the real & holy God cause fear & trembling in the broken creations that we are. "maybe He doesn't even know me," i thought as i labelled myself "callused beyond repair." i was almost there. just a few more days, just a little shove, & i might have been lost.

thought#4; it was that night that i saw a glimpse of His holiness through the shards of this broken jar. i am strangely, nonsensically, inexplicably loved by a Holy Creator who did not see fit to leave me at the mercy of my sin in this warring world. it was a messy way to end messy years but the time has come for new things. everything fades away into bland discolor in the face of His vibrant, unbearable, & holy glory.

"Steadfastness, that is holding on;

patience, that is holding back;

expectancy, that is holding the face up;

obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do;

listening, that is holding quiet and still as to hear."
-S.D. Gordon

And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Galatians 5:24

& so it beings!