give grace

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this weekend i listened to a cacophony of frogs as i tossed & turned in a crowded tent; i also suspect that there was a half squished bee underneath where my pillow was. i jumped at the sight of anything resembling a spider and stifled gags when i had to step into the state park's restroom. i watched the girls faithfully do their makeup routine in the morning & at night, feeling that familiar clamor of confusion poking at me, starting with the question, "what's wrong with me?" & ending with the revisiting conclusion of psalm 139. i read wonderfully mind-blowing excerpts from a.w. tozer's "pursuit of god" (i'm so excited to read it in its full!!), made an improvised version of a strawberry muddle smoothie, and was amazed to see that my bangs were intact in the morning after a day of not showering. i also witnessed a diverse array of fears and watched as the leaders displayed a heartwarming effort to remain together. i ate the most delicious salmon sandwich i have ever had and laughed until my abs hurt at one of the guys' korean dad impression. i stopped by thousand oaks (land of my discipler!) & ate korean bbq in ktown (land of my roomie!). i was visited by one of my migraines that grew increasingly worse as i watched people get disgruntled, myself included (no doubt a result of exhaustion); the kbbq place with neon spotlights and loud kpop did not help, although i did have a nice bewildered laugh to myself when i met two girls in the restroom dressed in club attire who complimented my dusty sneakers and asked if i spoke english when i didn't answer 'cause i didn't know they were talking to me.

if there's anything i've learned this weekend, it's that we sorely need to show each other grace. we are each of us bundles of insecurities and limited patience. how swift are we to cry injustice & demand grace while righteously stabbing our pointing finger into the air, & yet how slow are we to dispense it freely to others.

sidenotes;
today my brother asked insightfully, "are you in human hibernation mode?" & my sister asked what they could do to help me recover. they are sweet (: we biked up ridgeline to suicide hill, went to strickland's for milkshake monday, & went to cha for tea (thai tea with soy milk & no sugar mm!) i also discovered that cha for tea uses fructose. boo. ): no more cha for me.

summer

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i've sneezed at least ten times and visited the bathroom six times in the past few hours since coming to the library to blow my nose because allergies are no bueno. other than that though, i love sitting here, writing my king lear essay while i drink my peach white tea & discreetly people watch. there's a kid running around carrying piles of picture books; he sits in the middle of nowhere, reads one outloud, ("i don wannit in a house, i dun wannit ina car" -green eggs & ham) & then promptly scurries to another location to read another book. there's a cute elderly couple reading chinese newspapers next to me and a few hours ago, there was a pretty lady who surprised me with her response when i asked her if anyone was sitting here: "nobody, you are!"

i love summer 'cause i don't have to wake up at ungodly hours. i get to make breakfast with my brother (bread with eggs, green bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, & ham with a orange, grapefruit, & mango smoothie) and bake strawberry shortcake cookies with my siblings and make spring rolls for the first time. i get to take a photoshoot of my carenotes with adorable tiny easels i bought from michael's. i get to meet up with friends and read for fun and paint a blackberry with acrylics on tiny 5x6 canvas.

summer is great ((:

reflection

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Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7

perhaps the way i see the world is not anything objectively conclusive about the world. 'cause maybe it is instead, an unintentionally frank and telling reflection of everything inside. & if that's the case, how blithely do we sometimes throw ourselves at the world as we chatter all day. maybe sometimes we should listen to ourselves talk.

the silence came from mutual consent but i donno why it makes me so sad because sometimes in the silence i twiddle my thumbs and feel idleness give birth to anger. and then i wanna run away but i have nowhere to go but forward. in silence there is nothingness and the meaning i so desperately grasp at in the nothingness is just imagined. so i guess, all this is to say that sometimes i struggle against imagined chains wanting imagined sources of satisfaction only to realize in brief moments of blessed light that the struggling reflects dissatisfaction. & then i am content to stop struggling. God is good to me. ((:

bum bum bum

sidenote;
strawberry shortcake cookies! (:
i can't wait to cook & make care packages next year hehe

marred

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they look like ugly red cancerous bruises and i know they're not but i hate them anyways.

jonah / sleepers

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"they are unsatisfied in their million dollar houses.

the extent to which trials and tribulations touches their lives is in thirteen year old dogs that take up space, and inconsiderate roommates. they do church. it adds a pretty frame on their life resume. they don’t know, don’t need, don’t care. i’m not sure what mirror they look into, because somehow they see no wounds. everything is empty and they love it. they are so satisfied in their million dollar houses.

how do you speak truth when they are deaf? when they have their own. how do i speak truth when i feel my throat constricted by sadness and anger.

wake up, sleepers. you break my heart."

i am petulant. i am jonah, shaking my fist and raging at the world. in my squeaky little roar.

dig deep. take root.

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. Psalm 103:8

It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners. Mark 2:17

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1