letting grace penetrate

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what implications does my identity as a christian have upon my understanding of and engagement with hurt from others?

i am 1) a redeemed soul whose eternal payment has been paid for by christ's sacrifice, 2) God's beloved daughter who is the object of His unbearably glorious affections & sanctifying work, 3) a living testifier of the gospel which allows me to live in blessed freedom and, as C.S. Lewis puts it, "dance backwards and return."

how does this identity framework change my perception of feeling used, my assignment of significance to being hurt, and the extent to which i allow hurt to mold me in relation to how God molds me?

what does it look like to rejoice in the lord always? give thanks in all circumstances? consider it pure joy when i face trials of all kinds?

where do the boundaries of hurt lie? how do i grapple with hurt in a healthy way that allows God the free realm to move but does not idolize self-victimization over the awareness of God's sovereignty? how do i allow the act of speaking truth in love penetrate through that which is occasionally an overwhelming and overbearing weight of hurt? should i see my fragility as a neutral and static observation of my personality or as an area of needed growth? is unphased callousness a mark of maturity, or is tenderheartedness a mark of maturity? where is the balance in sifting through all that is thrown at us and holding onto what is good?

i am blessed because i can simultaneously identify with Jesus' pain, be healed as i hide in his wounds , fixate my gaze upon my Father's love for me and how He created me to be a tenderhearted thinker/feeler, and also know that the Spirit makes me bold and stouthearted to clothe myself in Jesus' grace so as to be a blessing to others.

i am thankful that God's grace fills and overflows in broken cracks. i am thankful that His spirit goes with me in places of introspection, and that by asking questions i find not necessarily answers but i can be assured of His merciful presence.

sidenotes;
why am i so squishy hearted
can i be a woman of internal gentleness, interpersonal compassion, fearless strength, clarity of mind, and gracious words plz
a hispanic woman at santorini's called me "mija" and i felt warm and fuzzy inside

emotional acuity

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it’s interesting to see how even though God time and time again proves to faithfully sustain me through my academics, i time and time again find myself in a place of feeling emotionally overwhelmed by all the things i have to do.

i wonder how my isfj mode of thinking/seeing molds how i manage stress, and how the christian culture possibly views suffering and/or emotional distress as manifestation of character flaws/social deviance that ought to be remedied as quickly as possible when in fact, a good portion of the psalms are laments & jesus himself expresses heart wrenching grief.

let us therefore tenderheartedly validate someone’s heart cries, offer genuine comfort, and also consciously and gently verbalize the truth that God is still good and sovereign — and this knowledge is of such a transformative nature that it has the power to quell the untimely storms of our hearts.

sidenotes;
my digestive system sucks
so does my eczema
how interesting is it that my emotions are more strongly linked to my physical well-being than i was previously aware of

i would very much like to just be a nonsensical and unresponsive hermit burrito bum in bed until my body stops being dumb
i am a human porcupine thing hear me roar

heavy

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heavy things weighing on my heart tonight. on my body and my eyelids and my shoulders. they are like claws embedding into my chest with sadistic deliberation, or wretched demons forcibly wearing me down. i hear the dull thud of my scarred knees to the ground and my uneven breathing and the unspoken vulgarities in my gut. there's you and you and you, and i cannot be home to hug you and desperately will my encouragement into you through the strength i have in my arms. there's you and you and you, and i cannot flee from the abominable searchlight because i am awkward and don't know how to deal with attention. but even more so is the weight of my vague awareness that there is suffering of tenfold magnitude in all of the earth. the more i learn in my classes, the more my heart twists and the more i find my face to the ground with a wordless plea in my chest. knowing that these are burdens the king bears alongside me sometimes is emotionally unsatisfying in the present moment.

sidenotes;
i just wrote an analytic paper examining how my second generation asian immigrant background, my christian background, & lack of representation of asians in tv shows targeting teenagers simultaneously molded my subconscious wrestling with the role of fashion/clothing in my life; so enjoyable to think through these things

2 kings 13

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Now when Elisha had fallen sick with the illness of which he was to die, Joash king of Israel went down to him and wept before him, crying, “My father, my father! The chariots of Israel and its horsemen!” And Elisha said to him, “Take a bow and arrows.” So he took a bow and arrows. Then he said to the king of Israel, “Draw the bow,” and he drew it. And Elisha laid his hands on the king's hands. And he said, “Open the window eastward,” and he opened it. Then Elisha said, “Shoot,” and he shot. And he said, “The Lord's arrow of victory, the arrow of victory over Syria! For you shall fight the Syrians in Aphek until you have made an end of them.” And he said, “Take the arrows,” and he took them. And he said to the king of Israel, “Strike the ground with them.” And he struck three times and stopped. Then the man of God was angry with him and said, “You should have struck five or six times; then you would have struck down Syria until you had made an end of it, but now you will strike down Syria only three times.” 2 Kings 13:14-19

"ii. Elisha clearly asked Joash to do something that modeled prayer.

·       Shooting the arrows required effort and aim.
·       Shooting the arrows required instruction and help from the prophet of God.
·       Shooting the arrows had to be done through an open window.
·       Shooting the arrows had to be done without knowing the exact outcome ahead of time. The target was only fully known by faith.
·       Shooting the arrows was ineffective because it was not repeated enough, reflecting a lack of confidence in the process.
·       Shooting the arrows had its strategic moment, and when that moment passed it was gone.
·       Failing to shoot the arrows hurts others, not only our self.


ii. There are many situations in which we should keep “shooting the arrows,” but we content ourselves with a small effort. “He should have continued smiting till the prophet had said, Enough.” (Trapp)

·       Keep shooting in the battle against sin.
·       Keep shooting in the attainment of Christian knowledge.
·       Keep shooting in the attainment of faith.
·       Keep shooting to do more for the kingdom of God.
·       Keep shooting because the world, the flesh, and the devil will not stop their shooting."

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sidenotes;
hohum
i got a soy latte and they wrote "yudith" in it; is it because i have bad projection and/or poor enunciation or is everyone deaf or do baristas not know how to spell or wat
also why are all the baristas at perk's mean poopfaces; how did they even get their jobs
jamba juice people made my day
unnecessarily tripping out over a haunting silhouette that i am simultaneously grateful and disappointed to misidentify
i would like to give my siblings smothering hugs

ghost no more

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it is april! a year from last year.

this whole journey has been so painstakingly full of baby steps: timid steps into all directions only to find the same oppressive pain there to cheekily greet my intrepid whimper for clarity and freedom. i have learned to embrace bewildering brokenness with a weary and hopeful acceptance like never before. i have learned how to not only communicate sincere concern for someone else, but to truly feel deep anguish and grieve with those who grieve. and as a culmination of it all, one hour ago God finally revealed to me a glimpse into a shrouded and acutely raw corner of my heart.

in sociology we discuss a theory called the "looking glass self" -- also related to the labeling theory. as children, we internalize identity markers in reflexive response to how "significant others" (those of instrumental influence) react towards us. accordingly, we build a sense of identity based on what others say about us, what others don't say about us, how others act towards us, and how others don't act towards us. this is the painstaking process of socialization that is constantly in flux with the people that have influence in different periods of our lives.

and as i sat there at pc, wondering if it was my hair that did the trick, or perhaps my new glasses, or my new white headphones, or my teal blouse that i bought after april -- wondering if the sungod water bottle and the agenda and the journal and the wireless mouse did anything to trigger recognition--i became aware of this destructive process in my heart. i have inadvertently made myself a victim to my own interpretation of his actions and of my subsequent understanding of the implications his actions (or lack of) have upon my heart & upon my identity. he became, by no apparent effort of his own, a defining power in how i viewed my worth as a friend, as a young woman, as a sister, as a person. rather, not he because he is dead in the practical sense, but my imagination and year old memories of him embodied a poisonous "significant other" in the back of my mind. the ghost haunted me as i walked about campus. ghost of my own making.

but no longer. i have been graciously made aware and by the power who raises the dead who dwells in my heart, i can call upon immeasurable strength to live in a realm of blessed freedom marked by the protective boundaries of Jesus' love for me and my heart, my soul, my mind. how truly jealously ought we to guard the gates into our hearts. i am blessed by this new understanding of this wonderful verse.

also, in a funny way i feel inexplicably joyful to be able to love on everyone God will put in my life in the future by relentlessly seeking after His heart for me with reckless abandon and undivided devotion so that my rock solid Christ-identity can serve as a spring of life for me and those i will hold dear to my heart.

Christ's love sears away our death grip/fixation upon finding fault, placing blame, demanding retribution: this is the beautiful implication of His claim on my life.

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. Proverbs 4:23

sidenotes;

god is so so good to me
nietzsche is freaking crazy

april sentiments

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how do i articulate that which i cannot? the sentiments of april 2013. maybe it is paralyzed nostalgia, or temporary shock. it is terrifying that the things i thought would be forever far removed have already intruded upon my life. i am only nineteen.

as i sit here wrapped in my fleece blanket, i am stumbling for words like a displaced fish gasps for water. i have never felt more incapable. i am stupidly glad that the Spirit intercedes on our behalf, with inexpressible groans.i am entertaining a running commentary of God’s faithfulness in my life because it is all i can reasonably muster the will to do, and because i don’t have time or energy to indulge in obsessive apprehension of unknown things. today i am grateful for my cable knit cardigan; for wonderfully mind stretching classes about exploitation and immigration and jimmy wong’s response to alexander wallace; for brothers and sisters who love Jesus. far removed things, welcome to my life.

sidenotes;
hug plz