ghost of my memories

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i saw a ghost, i really did.
there one moment, gone the next.
there one year, gone the next

you haunt me because you are dead. because it is uncanny how similar it is to the other hole in my heart: we cannot speak because there is a great and intangible and horrible divide, except that you are alive. & that this divide is fabricated whereas the other is conquered by christ. what else is a ghost but someone dead in whatever sense who creates unrest in the lives of those he or she left? it is disturbing how our memories rewrite themselves because it feels as if there are cognizant wires in my mind, detaching and rewiring autonomously with some sort of gremlin-esque mischief. you don't know because you don't care. i am not some trophy to prove your mettle through self-denial. like i am a plague.

sidenotes;
i am so taken aback by how hurt i still feel
i could do with a hug and some validation

like air

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sometimes i need words of affirmation like air. i need your eyes and your ears because i see you and them and you and me and interpret your distraction as disinterest and ultimately, insincerity or rejection. and sometimes i feel like my heart just vomits itself onto the floor with every word i speak or don't speak in an entirely anticlimactic and feeble way. but i guess, it's not like i'm the center of the world. 'cause i'm not. but watch me shrink as you take up space because i'd rather not compete.

/merely dramatizing

There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so enthralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts. Inside you they work their magic. -Diane Setterfield 

When two people meet, each one is changed by the other so you've got two new people. -John Steinbeck

disingenuous

sidenotes;

veterans of civil rights movement came today.
"undirected anger must be channeled into social transformation by people who earn their insurgency through the building of a critical mass."
when people don't respond to my emails or make grand and entirely empty promises of gestures of friendship i get crazy no lies. excuse me while i stare. i am trying to figure out if you hate me. or why you are lying to my face.

/being snarky introvert at 1:30am

front lines

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can we just stop for a moment and ponder what a great god we serve? whether we are aware of His very tangible and purposeful work or not, He is, nonetheless, working on the front lines of our daily spiritual warfare. He is working on grander scales than we can even dare to imagine. He sees the brokenness of this world and is at this very moment, bringing His sons and daughters together to wage war against the chains of injustice. He works in such a particular way that it is undeniably and oftentimes amusingly & obviously His handiwork. 

last night i had an interview with UCSD's IJM outreach officer, and i was, to put it simply, speechless by how perfectly timed everything was. there was a reason i didn't get into the physiology/neuro program -- and that was so i would become a sociology major who took soc2 as a sophomore instead of as a freshman. UCSD implemented a "diversity, equity, inclusion" requirement fall quarter of my freshman year, and out of all the classes, i nearly arbitrarily chose an African American lit class THIS quarter, of all quarters. God used these classes to plant a seed of passion for social justice in my heart -- and He perfectly timed my email to IJM because i made the deadline by one night. even more striking is that they were lacking in the graphic design/photography area and they were praying for someone to come along. it feels indescribably awe-inspiring to be part of God's kingdom movement as an answered prayer, as a prayer warrior, as a servant.

this. this is where my heart lies. in the midst of His work, using my talents and skills to please Him by loving on others, by helping others -- instead of trying to mold myself into another brainless hack that has no dreams, no joy, no passions.

"He works in the deep and hidden things when others are concerned with mere appearances. We have been the subjects of a great deal of secret, unseen, underground work. The LORD has spent upon us a world of care." -Spurgeon

sidenotes;

my hair :)

to red: food first

heart of glass, concluding remarks

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It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:7

i'm free from you

i'm free from you in me

i'm free-

this is where god has led and i refuse to continue to subjugate myself under unwarranted, obligatory loyalty. any residue of that is simply that: residue. residue of my memories. memories from a year of emotional annihilation and reconstruction. and now i'm tempted to be overwhelmed by the fear that grips my soul, by the contempt that i foresee myself tempted to dabble in. my porcupine spines made of splintered fragments. head first into the beautiful fray, i suppose? God is good. God redeems.

teach me to trust because i forgot again
because as much as i delude myself into thinking i am an emotional stronghold during these transition periods, it seems that i fail to realize how fragile i am. i underestimate the elasticity of heartstrings that can, at any given moment, ice over. perhaps i am more hyper aware than others of our fragility. or perhaps i am an anomaly. third time's the charm?

-to be vulnerable
to be sweetly broken
to be all the while, whole
so joyfully whole

the journey;
heart of glass
frankenstein
pocketwatch

sidenotes;

it is good to be at home -- in the company of hilarious siblings & a wise mother, with an abundance of home cooked foods and the warmth of my enveloping bed
also my mommy just disqualified everything in ten minutes lololol

crossroads, naivety flashback

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this is the most critical crossroads thus far in my life. it's exhilarating and nerve wracking; i am full of joy and fear -- the road ahead is so frustratingly foggy but i will fearlessly step forth knowing that although i can't see, He most definitely sees all things. good things are to come. rabid world, come at me.

"Remember this, Christian, and let it comfort thee. However difficult and painful thy road, it is marked by the footsteps of thy Saviour; and even when thou reachest the dark valley of the shadow of death, and the deep waters of the swelling Jordan, thou wilt find his footprints there. In all places whithersoever we go, he has been our forerunner; each burden we have to carry, has once been laid on the shoulders of Immanuel."

"Christian, meditate much on heaven. It will help you to press on and to forget the toil of the way. This vale of tears is but the pathway to the better country. This world of woe is but the stepping-stone to a world of bliss." -Spurgeon

[naivety]

sidenotes;
quivering, thrumming
welcome to the beautiful war of my life

EDIT//
can i just freaking be a hermit
i just stress ate all my frustration
my tummy's in a stupid knot

untimely collision

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i have never felt more inexplicably swayed in my life -- at least, not that i remember. it's an untimely collision of tugging and yes's and no's and pro's and con's. it's me, wrestling against the temptation to somehow stumble upon peace and conviction through objectification, rationalization and compartmentalization. it's the lack of a cookie cutter guideline that i am so inclined towards because it is comfortable and reliable. it's the fear of i donno, everything. it's the memory of smiles, both stale and fresh, bitter, fearfully sweet, moving, painful, thoroughly confusing; my memory, again, thus serves its mischievous purpose in my wallflower mind. but as i give power to this gaggle of inarticulate sentiments through words, i must duly say this:

i will choose to gaze upon You and acknowledge once again that You are good. You are faithful -- sometimes frighteningly but entirely majestically so. You love me with a tender, passionate, empowering, radical, extravagant love. You see all in my life and You work all things for good in my life. there are no mistakes in Your handiwork and Your giant fingerprints are everywhere--so much so that, if i were to have some sort of spiritual infrared goggles, it would be hilarious because i would see more of your fingerprints than of my life circumstances. i will be still before Your majesty and i will allow perfect love to cast out all fear. let me no longer diminish Your power by fretting over things that haven't happened, over hypothetical situations i obsessively entertain in my imagination. this i ask by the empowering of the boldness from the Holy Spirit, who dwells in me and makes this untimely collision entirely intentional and timely and beautiful and good.

sidenotes;

i am kersplat hear me roar

sojourning in a garden

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anchor me with roots unbreakable;
because if your eyes keep smiling i will-
lead, for i am made to follow and
smile my way into your garden;
if you pursue i will melt incapably
but stumbling my way about the wildflowers
in a limbo, in a trap of living heartstrings
with no path or light or voice
that need to be set right and planted
and i'll need you to speak light and guide me home
into leafy strongholds and royally adorned flowers
where i am yours, sojourning warriors both
crafted and designed as petallike reflections of the greatest love
fashioned and called and marked and loved by the greatest love

sidenotes;
i have never felt more intricately conflicted before
can i be a hermit plz

outside time

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"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This love; not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God: but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us...love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:9-12, 17-19

something i look forward to is the moment i am, finally, enveloped in the embrace of He who loves me. He will tell me all the things He did for me behind the scenes of my earthly life, and i will, at the sheer wonder of it all, want to melt and laugh and cry and sing at the same time. i will know that He oversaw every moment of my life with painstakingly loving detail. He knew that i, for some inexplicable reason, love the poetic, soothing, and joyful emotions that rainy fridays evoke in me. He'll tell me that He knew all that i wrestled with in 2013, from the outrage over racial injustice in 21st century america to the strange year of blistering silence. & what constantly blows my mind, is that since He lives outside of time, He sees me as a perfect bride already and He also sees all the events leading to my birth as well as all the parts in between. i'm having trouble deciding what adjectives and tenses to use, because He is even outside the bounds of articulate and comprehensible language. and He not only has a thriving storehouse of intertwining plans for me, He has that for everyone in this world. what an awesome, awesome God we serve, who was, is, and will ever be.

on another note, was i perhaps too rash when i said what i said in april
does this count as a promise before god or was it void in my stupidity
god help me

sidenotes;
my eczema spot looks like a zombie heart
i have twelve freaking pairs of shoes?
i have been listening to gorillaz & sea wolf 24/7
i have an aversion to her use of font sizes for emphasis (even though i used to do this on xanga) but i love this: Protect Her Purity

things i want to do: amnesty intl internship
ucdc aip law/justice internship

sweet nothings

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you spoke of tender sweet nothings
i speak of soured nothings and tender festerings
and of undying hope deferred
it won't die--why won't it die
we made hearts sick and i'm sorry
that i-who are you again?
self appointed connoisseur of my heart?
i beg to differ, i beg for words,
i beg, this silence is killing me

sidenotes;
i am entirely grateful that God is a God of reconciliation and redemption and justice and mercy
but am still wrestling and confused and hurt
i met you in 2011

gratitude

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sometimes i am sorely tempted to claim presumptuously and dramatically that i am "well acquainted with the night." this week has been a blur of perturbing ups and downs: my anxiety at rigoberto's, my apartment mate's unexplained return home, my room mate's family pain, losing my ID card, losing my sociology notes, hearing his name over and over this week, getting feverish last night.

but by His grace, i feel the knot in my heart melting away by the remembrance of His love and faithfulness. i am left with an overwhelming sense of peace and gratitude and there is little else i want to do but continue reading for my wonderfully thought-provoking/eye-opening/mind-blowing classes, bake muffins, and hug everyone.

nothing happened at rigoberto's -- although afterwards, my sinful propensity towards self-pity was humbled by an encouraging email i received. my apartment mate returned and i realized that my fears were largely unfounded. i am so thankful that i get to walk through life with my roomie. i found my ID card in my jacket pocket, i restored my sociology notes, and i am no longer sick. God has given me so much joy in baking for people and every time a stranger smiles or says hi, my heart can't help but feel uplifted. God is so good to me a;ksjd;f < 3 it is well with my soul.

It is good to praise the Lord

and make music to your name, O Most High,

proclaiming your love in the morning

and your faithfulness at night,

For you make me glad by your deeds, Lord;

I sing for joy at what your hands have done.

How great are your works, Lord,

how profound your thoughts!

The righteous will flourish like a palm tree,

they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon;

planted in the house of the Lord,

they will flourish in the courts of our God.

They will still bear fruit in old age,

they will stay fresh and green,

proclaiming, “The Lord is upright;

he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him.”
Psalm 92:1-2, 4-5, 12-15

sidenotes;
to bake: carrot cream cheese muffins, blueberry streusel muffins, chocolate banana muffins :)

from the mind of a fictional hopeless romantic

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"she was an unremarkable girl with mahogany rimmed glasses sitting near the window of the local coffee shop. i wish i could read minds and maybe hear the music she was swaying to. sometimes she was entirely engaged in the book in front of her, and other times she was  leisurely scanning the room over the rim of her mug of english breakfast tea, drinking in details of passerby's with what i like to imagine as an unbridled curiosity.

'here is your coffee, sir.'

i entertained the idea of a conversation and quickly dismissed it. i was, by no means, as charming as i would like to imagine. i wondered at the enthusiasm she might effuse with every word, and facetiously convinced myself that i would thereupon be enthralled by that contagious enthusiasm, even if she liked something i disliked.

but after a minute of aimless meanderings in my imagined world, i remembered the latte i had yet to make.

'just a moment, ma'm!'

she was but a stranger -- although, no longer just unremarkable in my overactive imagination. i continued about my day and she left the coffee shop. perhaps, tomorrow."

sidenotes;
/being facetious in a perpetual state of suspension on a rainy friday

this post meant nothing. i blame it on the trippy indie music and the melodramatically enigmatic quotations on tumblr. also because i wanted to use the words "unremarkable" and "unbridled" and "effuse" and "facetious". i also want to use the words "dismantle" and "disenfranchise" and "belittle" and "deign" and "detrimental" and "vie"
sometimes i wonder what goes on in the minds of teenage romance novel writers. they are either brilliantly sneaky and know how to target teenagers or they are incredibly and stupidly still teenagers at heart. it cracks me up srsly. because if i lived in a romance novel i would probably be that snarky random in chapter 2 that the author would kill off

life is great. i donno why i am so amused
also i did absolutely nothing today

God of justice

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in any other life, i very well may have been a depressed and disillusioned writer.

how did those professing christians sleep at night knowing they have looked upon the eyes of a human, determined him a beast, and tore his back to shreds? how did those nazi doctors convince themselves it was perfectly noble to embed shards of glass into a child's arm? how did the u.s. government fail miserably to blink in the face of torture as they lied and said they would heal them of "bad blood" when in reality, they were intentionally injecting syphilis strands? how did the bankers of wallstreet get away with billions after lying to an entire country?

i feel entirely insufficient and inarticulate a writer to give words to the outrage i feel in my gut. how do i reconcile the desire for justice and the potentially inevitable cloud of disillusionment? God, have mercy.

i can't do anything but fall helplessly to my knees knowing that You see all this and infinitely more; You see men's hearts and You see all the brokenness. woe to those who know not the fury they pile on their heads. God, have mercy.

sidenotes;
it is a rainy friday!
i really want to bake a carrot cake. & a mini pie.
blogspot facelift :)

updated book list:
the human condition, hannah arendt
discipline and punish, michele foucault
mirrored reflections by chloe sun
let me be a woman by elisabeth elliot
freedom + boundaries by kevin deyoung
prayer, richard j. foster

of wallflowers and fearfulness

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my memory accumulates faces, overheard conversations, secret smiles i am not privy to.

i feel as if i am determined to look away from this large gaping pit, as if by peripheral vision i could deny its existence and by enabling others to fight their monsters, i could starve mine into weakness. but it is determined to have my attention, this bothersome something in my heart. i am not so strong as i would like to delude the world into thinking. i am a coward.

because when he said he betrayed his friends and his conscience to be there, in my heart he was no longer there.

"how are you?" they say: and i imagine that i see past it, perhaps because i don't trust their intentions, or that these three words reek of shallow conversation, or that i deny anyone the opportunity to help bear this heaviness, or that i find it unnecessary to add to their's.

i am captive of the fear i beget in  my own mind because i speak of authenticity until it has become falsehood. and this is when my chest caves in.

if you tell me to leave, i just might. do you know how you hurt me so? but i suppose i don't know either

/being a melodramatic writer

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say "It is well" -I Will Rise, Chris Tomlin

sidenotes;

peace, He said
can i just eat cereal and milk and ice cream all day

mephibosheth

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on 2 samuel 9; david & mephibosheth

"i. David’s grace to Mephibosheth is a wonderful picture of God’s grace to us. We are Mephibosheth.

·        We are hiding, poor, weak, lame, and fearful before our King comes to us
·        We are separated from our King because of our wicked ancestors
·        We are separated from our King because of our deliberate actions
·        We separated ourselves from the King because we didn't know him or His love for us
·        Our King sought us out before we sought Him
·        The King's kindness is extended to us for the sake of another
·        The King's kindness is based on covenant
·        We must receive the King's kindness in humility
·        The King returns to us what we lost in hiding from Him
·        The King returns to us more than what we lost in hiding from Him
·        We have the privilege of provision at the King's table
·        We are received as sons at the King's table, with access to the King and fellowship with Him
·        We receive servants from the King
·        The King's honor does not immediately take away all our weakness and lameness, but it gives us a favor and standing that overcomes its sting and changes the way we think about ourselves

ii. David's grace to Mephibosheth is also a pattern for us in serving and ministering to others. We are David.

·        We should seek out our enemies and seek to bless them
·        We should look for the poor, weak, lame, and hidden to bless them
·        We should bless others when they don't deserve it, and bless them more than they deserve
·        We should bless others for the sake of someone else
·        W must show the kindness of God to others"
source

sidenotes;

discovering wounds

source

sometimes the quietness of my apartment becomes suffocating and i imagine my chest caving in. there is little else i can muster energy to do besides curl up in bed and pityingly eat hazelnut mascarpone ice cream. stare at my freezing hands. listen to my breathing.


when i see your faces i feel my heart ignore my objecting cry as it crumbles to pieces. & as i listen to you laugh in the face of certain death and watch you toiling as lord of your dying world, i am tempted hug my knees until they bruise as if by brute strength i could somehow alleviate this anguish or perhaps hold my heart together in some sort of discernible order.


also you are a blind spot in my vision that i don't know how to resolve without inadvertently bringing harm to myself
because it hurts to grieve a living person i don't know anymore
someone tell me it was worth it because i can't convince myself over these gaping wounds i didn't know existed


sidenotes;
i donno

fears, jono mccleery
i don't trust myself, john mayer
someone to watch over me, amy winehouse

relationships

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today at church i found myself testing the dangerous waters of discontentment and self-righteous entitlement. i was disgusted by myself. here is just a poignant pondering:

the young adult/high school christian culture today sees relationships strangely because now society tells everyone that:

1) soul mates exist

2) soul mate must be yearned for

and even for the self titled realist with an aversion to the "hopeless romantic" route, society somehow says that:
1) everyone is entitled to a relationship (as if a relationship is some kind of reward thing? what did you do to deserve a person? what are you, a slave master? wat.)
2) you'll find someone compatible to you

but those assumptions lead to

1) unrightfully over-romanticizing relationships & unhealthy fantasizing

2) idolizing relationships
3) forgetting what God made people for -- to worship Him, bring glory to Him, love Him, be loved by Him

therefore christians today are all confused when it comes to:

1) college

2) relationships

because culture tells us these are of utmost importance. but the bible says nothing, except for restricting marriage to believers. which either means that:

1) God doesn't care

2) God doesn't want us to idolize these things

and by process of elimination the first doesn't make any sense.

so my conclusion is that God wants us to surrender everything to him including our hunger/greed for a relationship, because innate in that desire is actually a sinful desire to be a little god (aka to be worshiped by someone in the form of love). and when He deems it right, He will orchestrate accordingly and that relationship will bring glory to Him and not to the humans. we can also rest assured knowing that He sees our hearts, that He is sanctifying us, and that He loves us so very much.

i am once again reminded to honor my brothers' integrity by meticulously and continuously examining my own heart, because as a daughter of Eve, i am, like her, sinfully prone to manipulation and self-idolatry.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14

I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. Psalm 119:11

sidenotes;
1) hohum god is good to me even though i am dumb sometimes
i have a lot to learn about how God redeems relationships because it hurts to see my brothers and sisters hurt each other, or to see my sisters be manipulative, or to see my brothers not lead intentionally.
but i can rest assured in knowing that He is a God of redemption. He is such a good God who has so very extravagantly proven His heart for redeeming and reconciling us through Christ's sacrifice.

2) also indecisive people or perpetually absent-minded people make me really frustrated, sorry lol
deepen my understanding of Your grace towards me so that 1) i may feel anguish for people and love on them with grace and patience and 2) that i may kill the source of frustration which is unquestionably and simply my un-Christlike attitude towards people who bother me--as if i am somehow the center of the world. because i am most definitely, not.

3) forever wallflower

mulberry trees

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And when you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the balsam trees, then rouse yourself, for then the LORD has gone out before you to strike down the army of the Philistines. 2 Samuel 5:24


"As the Rabbis have it, and it is a very pretty conceit if it be true, the footsteps of angels walking along the tops of the mulberry trees make them rustle; that was the sign for them to fight, when God’s cherubim were going with them, when they should come, who can walk through the clouds and fly through the air, led by the great Captain himself, walking along the mulberry trees, and so make a rustle by their celestial footsteps...

There are times, you know, 'when thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees.' You have a peculiar power in prayer; the Spirit of God gives you joy and gladness; the Scripture is open to you; the promises are applied; you walk in the light of God's countenance, and his candle shines about your head; you have peculiar freedom and liberty in devotion; perhaps you have got less to attend to in the world and more closeness of communion with Christ than you used to have. Now is the time; now, when you hear the 'sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees.' Now is the time to bestir yourselves; now is the time to get rid of any evil habit that still remains now is the season in which God the Spirit is with you." -Spurgeon

"How is it that such supernatural directions and assistance are not communicated now? Because they are not asked for; and they are not asked for because they are not expected; and they are not expected because  men have not faith; and they have not faith because they are under a refined spirit of atheism  and have no spiritual intercourse with their Maker." -Adam Clarke

"-Do not murmur at your busyness or the shortness of time, but buy up the time all around.
-Never exaggerate duties by seeming to suffer under the load, but treat all responsibilities as liberty and gladness.
-Never call attention to crowded work or trivial experiences.
-Before confrontation or censure, obtain from God a real love for the one at fault. Know the facts; be generous in your judgment. Otherwise, how ineffective, how unintelligible or perhaps provocative your well-intentioned censure may be.
-Never allow yourself to be placed in favorable contrast with anyone.
-Archbishop Benson" -Spiritual Leadership, J. Oswald Sanders

sidenotes;
mm it is good to be back in sd

it helps in all circumstances to remember how God sees me: He sees me not just in 2013, but throughout my whole life. He sees all the change and sees me as a perfect bride, made perfect for eternal fellowship with Him via a lifelong of sanctification by discipline and guidance from His loving hands.

peets hibiscus tea, john mayer, sociology + lit reading on a crisp sunday afternoon :)

change

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relient k's mmhmm album was the first taste of music i encountered. i was twelve. rock, christian rock, alternative: sanctus real, tenth avenue north, phil wickham, superchick. i struggled through middle school and grappled with bitterness and all the angst that accompanies the wonderful age of thirteen, all the while finding confused refuge in the christian rock music. it was good, clean, loud music.

and then i was fifteen, and i stumbled upon the most endearing, happy music yet: piano pop. joy williams, ingrid michaelson, jess penner, colbie caillat, regina spektor. it was still comforting music because it was predictable and happy and it lifted the corners of my lips in the midst of studying for apush (a class i blatantly nicknamed uni's "hell").

and then at sixteen years, i heard john mayer's voice and my music life was forever changed. i fell head over heels for blues and jazz and crooning voices. i found corinne bailey rae, jamie cullum, norah jones, michael buble, jack johnson, jason mraz. their music accompanied me through college paperwork.

then all of a sudden, i was an eighteen year old college student sitting in my room listening to indie music to shut out the clamor of hormonal conversation outside my door. it was kings of convenience, bombay bicycle club, young the giant, gungor, monsters calling home. i heard their music accompanying memories of the person who made my freshman year so very unexpectedly different and sweet and painful.

and as i was gathering my breath and wits and broken pieces i found myself being healed and loved by Him, sitting at home after a fast sophomore fall quarter, looking ahead to winter quarter. 1:30am, wrapped in blankets, blowing on frozen fingers, listening to music i would never have imagined liking as a twelve year old, a fifteen year old, a sixteen year old, an eighteen year old. now the rabbits have the gun and the paper kites added themselves to the indie music, but i also found a strange love for downtempo and when i rediscovered as tall as lions, i fell into the deep end with trifonic and stateless and six parts seven and snowmine and the xx and kye kye.

the one thing consistent through all of this change, however, is this contagious eagerness that bubbles up inside of me when i listen to the music. the other beautiful thing is that God sees all of the change. He sees everything from my evolving music taste to the tears i shed in my eighth grade algebra class to the confusion i grappled with last year. He sees. He loves. and it's so wonderful to trace everything back to His faithfulness, for He is the source of all things good.

sidenotes;
okay seriously, i can't even.
i love stateless & six parts seven & snowmine right now omgosh.
this has definitely been a season of basking in how He is sovereign in my life and how He loves me and how He knows me

randoms

source


“Every time I catch myself trying to figure out other people's motives, I'll stop and ask myself: "What did I say or do that prompted the action? Why did I react to it as I did? Does what happened make a major difference to me, or am I making something big out of a trifle?"
Leave off that excessive desire of knowing; therein is found much distraction There are many things the knowledge of which is of little or no profit to the soul.” 
-Thomas Kempis

sidenotes;
mm, this this this. be still, o my heart.
currently listening: blue fire & ariel by stateless
currently reading: on keeping the heart by flavel
currently making: flyers for harvest

gonna eat peruvian food with cacahead tomorrow. so freaking excited !!

the weight of glory

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"If one was not really to blame then there is nothing to forgive… what we call ‘asking God’s forgiveness’ very often really consists in asking God to accept our excuses… We are so very anxious to point these [‘extenuating circumstances’] out to God (and to ourselves) that we are apt to forget the really important thing; that is, the bit left over, the bit which the excuses don’t cover, the bit which is inexcusable but not, thank God, unforgivable. And if we forget this, we shall go away imagining that we have repented and been forgiven when all that has really happened is that we have satisfied ourselves with our own excuses…

Real forgiveness means looking steadily at the sin, the sin that is left over without any excuse, after all allowances have been made, and seeing it in all its horror, dirt, meanness, and malice, and nevertheless being wholly reconciled to the man who has done it. That, and only that, is forgiveness, and that we can always have from God if we ask for it...

...How God thinks of us is not only more important, but infinitely more important. Indeed, how we think of Him is of no importance except insofar as it is related to how He thinks of us.

To please God… to be a real ingredient in the divine happiness… to be loved by God, not merely pitied, but delighted in as an artist delights in his work or a father in a son- it seems impossible, a weight or burden of glory which our thoughts can hardly sustain. But so it is.

“He claims all, because He is love and must bless. He cannot bless us unless He has us. When we try to keep within us an area that is our own, we try to keep an area of death. Therefore, in love, He claims all. There’s no bargaining with Him...He will be infinitely merciful to our repeated failures; I know no promise that He will accept a deliberate compromise. For He has, in the last resort, nothing to give us but Himself; and He can give that only insofar as our self-affirming will retires and makes room for Him in our souls.

“If you have not chosen the Kingdom of God, it will make in the end no difference what you have chosen instead.” Those are hard words to take. Will it really make no difference whether it was women or patriotism, cocaine or art, whisky or a seat in the Cabinet, money or science? Well, surely no difference that matters. We shall have missed the end for which we are formed and rejected the only thing that satisfies. Does it matter to a man dying in a desert by which choice of route he missed the only well?

I do not think any efforts of my own will can end once and for all this craving for limited liabilities, this fatal reservation. Only God can. I have good faith and hope He will. Of course, I don’t mean that I can therefore, as they say, “sit back.” What God does for us, He does in us. The process of doing it will appear to me (and not falsely) to be the daily or hourly repeated exercises of my own will in renouncing this attitude, especially each morning, for it grows all over me like a new shell each night. Failures will be forgiven; it is acquiescence that is fatal, the permitted, regularised presence of an area in ourselves which we still claim for our own.  We may never, this side of death, drive the invader out of our territory, but we must be in the Resistance, not in the Vichy government. And this, so far as I can yet see, must be begun again every day."
-The Weight of Glory, C.S. Lewis

sidenotes;
last few hours of the quarter. lezdothis
"the path of sanctification must avoid two pitfalls: legalism and passivity." source

finish reading:
sex is not the problem (lust is), joshua harris;
cost of discipleship, dietrich bonhoeffer;
bonhoeffer: pastor, martyr, prophet, spy, eric metaxas;
victory over the darkness, neil anderson
weight of glory, c.s. lewis

object of contemplation

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You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8

A bruised reed shall not break and the smoking flax shall he not quench; Isaiah 42:3

Keep your heart with all diligence for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6

those "who are compared to a 'reed', because worthless with respect to God, whom they cannot profit; and in the view of men, who reckon them as nothing; and in themselves, and in their own view, who judge themselves unworthy of the least of mercies; and because they are weak, not only as all men are, of which weakness they are sensible; but they are weak in grace, especially in faith, and have but little hope, their love is the strongest; and because they are wavering like the reed, tossed to and fro with every wind of doctrine, and shaken with the temptations of Satan, and disturbed with many doubts and fears; and are like a 'bruised' reed that is squeezed, and almost broke to pieces, and so of no use; these are broken in heart, under a sense of sin and unworthiness; whose spirits are bruised and wounded with it, and whose hearts are contrite on account of it. On these Christ does not lay his iron rod, but holds out the golden sceptre of his grace to them; he does not call them to service and sufferings beyond their strength; but strengthens, supports, and upholds them with the right hand of his righteousness; he binds up their broken hearts, having poured in the balm of Gilead, his own blood, and the wine and oil of his love; he encourages them in their application to him for salvation, and manifests his pardoning grace, and restores comforts to them, and revives their souls." [ John Gill exposition ]

"I will beg my way into your garden

I will break my way out when it rains"

sometimes i am prone to fretting over hypothetical situations because i don't want "that" to happen again. i fret over my intentions and their intentions and unwittingly misplace my focus away from the peace i can have by focusing on my soul's purposed Object of contemplation.

but is there ever an "again"? wouldn't i be objectifying and sinning against them by assuming certain things and adjusting my behavior accordingly? or would it be sinning if i did nothing? sin has left its crimson stain but christ has washed me white as snow. & this is why i must "turn my eyes upon jesus, and the things of this earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace." the more i gaze upon Him and His incomparable might and His love for me, the more my fears are chased willy nilly away by His perfect love. the more i focus on the fact that He is the one who is working in me, the less i have to worry that my failures will destroy His wonderful work. the more i etch onto my heart the knowledge of the reality of my identity in Christ as His beloved bride, the more i can rest assured as i dwell in His house forever.

clothe me in strength and dignity
crown me with love and compassion
give me dove's eyes & create in me a pure heart

sidenotes;
people i am thankful for:

-slai, for the ochem day-long sessions & your patience & graciousness, & the bajillion rides to&from campus... and your superhero apartment

-jliu, for ever fearlessly, candidly, & lovingly speaking truth

-aliu, the tozer email and the care package with my favorite chocolate & honest tea

-jwong, telling me to “speedy gonzales” it & making me laugh

-jlee, telling me to smack physics in the face by passing it & that i’m not a burden & that how physics makes me feel doesn’t define me

-ekim, for letting me cook breakfast for you and for making me proud in the hum essay

-jlim, for having a roomie dinner date with me and for being vulnerable with me and for trusting me

-e2ho, for webcamming me and watching me be a prideful crybaby

-pferido, for revamping accountability. ily!
-slo, mmm, for trusting me, for being you.
-mlin, for your honest sharing and for being my photo buddy

also thankful for the beautiful rainy day yesterday & the magenta/purple sunset


sometimes it unnerves me how much some people know about me & random stuff i like... that either means i talk about myself too much, or that they remember things they don't need to remember, or that i'm an open book, or... iono. i ought to just accept their kindess with grace & not insult their kindness by playing mind games, huh. iono

thought trains

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thought train #1) was it not we who chose other things over Him? is His love not like a Father's -- eager for reconciliation, willing to punish & correct & discipline, desirous of holiness & perfection & ultimately intimacy with His beloved children?

thought train #2) to what extent are my emotions dehumanized and belittled and justified away by hormones? modern culture seems to do everything it can to disassociate science from God; to dehumanize emotions and subjectivity and therefore "God," when in reality God is the source of all things objective and wonderful and absolute and truthful and scientific.

thought train #3) the topic of sin is weighing heavy on my heart this quarter and it makes me forget how much You love me, how much You love humanity, how frighteningly, strangely, and wonderfully good, merciful, gracious, and compassionate you are. may i never lose the wonder of the cross.

thought train #4) is it not more compassionate to listen? to let someone know their struggles are valid and that the King of the universe saw our helplessness as so worthy a cause as to torture His own son for hours on the cross? *saving us from our brokenness was not the  main purpose though; He wants to glorify Himself: that does not necessarily mean His desire for His glory is mutually exclusive from His love for us. mm, trying to figure out how to verbally reconcile His glorification and His love for us.

thought train #5) fill my cup, for i am enamored and awestruck by the endless possibilities of your glorious revelations as the King and Creator of all. there is much in this world that screams of Your handiwork. thank you for letting me delight in these academic disciplines. thank you for creating me with a love of creating.

thought train #6) i often entertain many ideas and hopes and dreams only to stir myself up into an overexcited flurry. help me rest in the knowledge that You know better.

sidenotes;
i just spent four hours doing laundry, making lunch, eating lunch, & journaling. i don't even know how... gotta get "crackalackin'" on my finals studying.
soy milk + brown sugar & cinnamon oatmeal with ripe bananas :)
can't wait until i finish my chocolate almond butter so i can buy chocolate hazelnut butter mmmm
thankful for the sisters in my life
slightly apprehensive for tw
sociology is like the underlying matrix of the world (*exaggerate) guhhh so cool
i stress ate so much chocolate this week
i wonder if i can pull of a pixie cut :/
mmmmmmmmm freshly laundered comforter is toasty warm

pondering sin

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does being upset & frustrated equate to discontentment and thus to sinning? is anxiety a sin? how do i emotionally give praise to You in times of frustration? is that even reasonable? to what extent are we willing doers of evil and thus entirely responsible for sin? to what extent are we passive victims of the curse of sinfulness? is it necessary to ponder the extent of responsibility if we entirely deserve His righteous wrath? do we really consist of two natures warring against each other? is there some sort of percentage bar that shows increasing godliness as we are more conformed into His image, and is there an accompanying decreasing bar for sinfulness?

how can you tell me i am sinning when i feel my throat closing, my insides turning, my head throbbing -- all because i cannot understand physics? how is that sinning? is depression sin? is grief sin? is frustration sin?

i must be missing something here. tell me where i got it wrong.

/merely rambling

sidenotes;
it's week 10 and i've already lost a large portion of my already dwindling motivation
things to ponder:
"show me your glory" exodus 33
"make a snake and put it on a pole, and whoever looks at it will live" numbers 21
"instead, speak the truth in love so that we may grow up in all things in Him who is Head, that is Christ" eph 4:15
eagerly desire spiritual gifts?

lord may this heartbreaking compassion not become a burden

still on my to read list: cost of discipleship by bonhoeffer, mirrored reflections by chloe sun, let me be a woman by elisabeth elliot, freedom + boundaries by kevin deyoung, prayer by richard j foster

i just made my mommy's signature chinese sesame + ginger chicken noodle soup & am savoring it while listening to sway by carissa rae/michael alvarado, christmas song by jayesslee, & let it snow by gabe bondoc/kina grannis -- i would rather be learning guitar chords, cooking, writing stories, & drawing rather than doing this physics homework on this crisp december afternoon in ever sunny la jolla. it sure would be nice to share this moment with someone. with you. there are so many people i miss. i miss home. there are heavier things weighing on my heart, heavier things i am unsure of how to articulate; but there is a lingering light on the horizon of a hope of good things to come. show me your glory.

flake part ii

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[ flake part i ]
[ on disappointment: by love ]


"i took a nap. i met someone and started talking. i forgot."

when certain people flake after making plans with me, it tells me that they don't value spending time with me as much as taking a nap, talking with someone. it's not important enough to commit to their memory. in my mind, in my world, you spend time with someone because you love them. beyond disrespecting my time, flaking equates to "you are not important enough to me to attempt following through my commitment to spend time with you."

it hurts to be flaked on. it feels like i am forgotten or unloved or betrayed. it hurts to say with increasing heaviness each time, "it's okay. i accept your excuse" only to hear that excuse again later. and as that heaviness settles, it becomes subtle bitterness, just like freshly fallen snow becomes icy dredges if someone does not shovel it away.

but this is not my world, and not everybody lives with the same mindset. to expect that would be borderline ludicrous: that would be like saying that i am a little god with whom friends i considered close should spend time with. it would be insulting to them for me to assume they care nothing about me, and i would be disregarding & demeaning how they value friendship. so at the end of the day, the question is not of where the blame lies, nor is it of who values whom more. the conclusion is that we are simply broken people; we hurt each other unintentionally, we understand love differently, and we are hurt easily because we are selfish and fragile. & if i can immerse myself even deeper into the knowledge of His love for me, i won't be able to prevent others from hurting me, but i can stand up again and i can run away from the temptation to be bitter because i know how much He has forgiven me and i can love again.

"There is no safe investment. to love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken... The only safe place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell... We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it." -C.S. Lewis

it makes me so humbled and amazed by God & how He sees us. why is it that we, who daily choose to worship the creation instead of the Creator, are seen as beloved in His eyes? we, who forget Him & His sovereignty so easily as we fret over the looming future which we sinfully want to know and control, are the object of His love?

"He sees because He loves, & therefore loves although He sees." -C.S. Lewis

because He is a gracious God, His love for us drives His forgiveness; woe to those who knowingly reject and rebel against His outstretched palm.

"Forgiveness is not so much a word spoken, an action performed, or a feeling felt as it is an embodied way of life in an ever-deepening friendship with the triune God and with others. As such, a Christian account of forgiveness ought not to simply or even primarily be focused on an absolution of guilt; rather, it ought to be focused on the reconciliation of brokenness, the restoration of communion—with God, with one another, and with the whole Creation. Indeed, because of the pervasiveness of sin and evil, Christian forgiveness must be at once an expression of commitment to a way of life, the cruciform life of holiness in which we seek to “unlearn” sin and learn the ways of God, and a means of seeking reconciliation in the midst of particular sins, specific instances of brokenness." -Gregory Jones

good reads:

[ Forgiving and Reconciling ]

[ How Far Should Forgiveness Go ] 

[ The Manipulator ]

sidenotes;
made spring rolls, panko fried chicken breast, chinese sesame chicken soup, & in the process of making red velvet snowman & strawberry reindeer cake pops with roomie :)

october the thirty first

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“Slowly, quietly, like snow-flakes—like the small flakes that come when it is going to snow all night—little flakes of me, my impressions, my selections, are settling down on the imagine of her. The real shape will be quite hidden in the end. Ten minutes—ten seconds—of the real H. would correct all this. And yet, even if those ten seconds were allowed me, one second later the little flakes would being to fall again…

And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling.” -A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis

"today i foray unabashedly into the unreasonable.

somehow it feels like a disservice that my human brain is incapable of storing permanent memories of him. at best, i have but a foggy image that slips away the more i try to hold onto it. 'like a fool, trying to hold water' -- i said. the more i forget, the more he dies, the more he becomes a construction of my imagination. as i cling desperately to that raw sharpness, like some stupid child holding onto a knife, time mercifully and cruelly blurs and smudges until i am left with the memories of a younger me whom i am not anymore. and in that way, grief is how i remember him. without grief i feel as if i am betraying him, forsaking him. i embrace grief because it is all i have."

sidenotes;

my first cartoon was published in the newspaper today :)
adding croque de madame egg cups to my cooking repertoire
planning to make frozen chocolate covered pb&banana bites tomorrow <3

god is good to me

you are freaking breaking my heart into a bajillion little pieces
please please please, god of mercy and grace, help