october the thirty first

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“Slowly, quietly, like snow-flakes—like the small flakes that come when it is going to snow all night—little flakes of me, my impressions, my selections, are settling down on the imagine of her. The real shape will be quite hidden in the end. Ten minutes—ten seconds—of the real H. would correct all this. And yet, even if those ten seconds were allowed me, one second later the little flakes would being to fall again…

And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling.” -A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis

"today i foray unabashedly into the unreasonable.

somehow it feels like a disservice that my human brain is incapable of storing permanent memories of him. at best, i have but a foggy image that slips away the more i try to hold onto it. 'like a fool, trying to hold water' -- i said. the more i forget, the more he dies, the more he becomes a construction of my imagination. as i cling desperately to that raw sharpness, like some stupid child holding onto a knife, time mercifully and cruelly blurs and smudges until i am left with the memories of a younger me whom i am not anymore. and in that way, grief is how i remember him. without grief i feel as if i am betraying him, forsaking him. i embrace grief because it is all i have."

sidenotes;

my first cartoon was published in the newspaper today :)
adding croque de madame egg cups to my cooking repertoire
planning to make frozen chocolate covered pb&banana bites tomorrow <3

god is good to me

you are freaking breaking my heart into a bajillion little pieces
please please please, god of mercy and grace, help

lingering plea

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it lingered in my hair and my well-to-do clothes
like a bad memory, a nightmare--or maybe, a plea
the smell of rancid sweat and fear and uncertainty

i met her on my way to breakfast that saturday morning
she had a wheelchair, clothes, and ruined feet
we offered her pancakes but she paused: "no, that i won't eat."

i sat behind him on my way home from work
it was dark and i was alone, envisioning kidnap wednesday evening
all i could remember was the back of his head and his boston cap

monday morning he walked by the aisle on my way to school
said "hi" to the bus driver, to his neighbor, sat down and talked
it was his dignity that left me ashamed and shocked

i had hoped that in writing it down,
i could make sense of it all
but at the end of the day i live in this world and not they
and i'm not so rich as to throw pity lest i make myself a clown

sidenotes;
they have dignity, too
God of sovereignty and redemption, help us

sigh i'm so rusty

can i be clothed in strength and dignity

God of redemption

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does the asian culture's emphasis upon frugality combined with the american culture's fetishizing of self-accomplished capitalism prevent us from giving generously? if all authority on heaven & earth has been given to Christ, and if we have been called to go fearlessly and boldly as faithful stewards, witnesses, and bearers of good news, why do we hesitate? do people hide behind the excuse that "giving" is not their spiritual gift? is fearlessness not the absent of fear but the action taken despite the fear, in response to a recognition of His sovereignty? doesn't perfect love cast our fear in this way?

i still don't understand what a "calling" is. aren't we all called to bear witness to the ends of the world -- not necessarily overseas, but in every capacity, in every field of work? because He is sovereign, and He has chosen this specific culture for me for His purposes. why does this sometimes feel like a burden? isn't His yolk light? where does guilt, obligation, and joy play into my motivations? how do i reconcile all these things

“It is not that God's help and presence must still be proved in our life; rather God's presence and help have been demonstrated for us in the life of Jesus Christ. It is in fact more important for us to know what God did to Israel, in God's Son Jesus Christ, than to discover what God intends for us today. The fact that Jesus Christ died is more important than the fact that I will die. And the fact that Jesus Christ was raised from the dead is the sole ground of my hope that I, too, will be raised on the day of judgment.” -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“Earthly goods are given to be used, not to be collected. In the wilderness God gave Israel the manna every day, and they had no need to worry about food and drink. Indeed, if they kept any of the manna over until the next day, it went bad. In the same way, the disciple must receive his portion from God every day. If he stores it up as a permanent possession, he spoils not only the gift, but himself as well, for he sets his heart on accumulated wealth, and makes it a barrier between himself and God. Where our treasure is, there is our trust, our security, our consolation and our God. Hoarding is idolatry.” -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

sidenotes;
books to read: cost of discipleship by bonhoeffer, mirrored reflections by chloe sun, let me be a woman by elisabeth elliot, & freedom + boundaries by kevin deyoung
little sister taught me stop this train by john mayer again & i finally got it this time :)
current songs: the world is bigger than you think, now the rabbit has the gun & letter to my ex acoustic version, tanya lacey < 3
also, can someone teach me walking bass

i run, too

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i could never be a therapist. i would die eternally frustrated because ever since childhood, i've had this stubborn work ethic ingrained into my head: i keep at it until i understand the concepts, or until i get the results i want. this may very well just be a culture thing since i grew up in america, because it doesn't always work. sometimes i barely slide by with an average performance and almost always am never impressed with myself. never satisfied with myself.

i never took a logic class because philosophy bores me out of my mind, but just maybe, if i am never satisfied, maybe that strange satisfaction is not a reasonable reality to strive for. maybe it's just that i am often misguided by my sinfulness to be discontent and forget about God's sovereignty while i chase this shiny elusive land of "finally satisfied, finally content, finally accomplished."

when my brother was upset and crying once, i opened my mouth with all the right intentions only to have him wail back at me, "you always do this!" and another time, when my sister shared about a frustrating situation to me, i once again opened my mouth to hear, "i got so many lectures today-" implying, "i don't need another one from you--" granted they were upset when they said these things.

in my mind, i may not have the answer, but i have advice that can very well be close to an answer. i think and talk myself out of feeling certain things when i am frustrated and it leads to this enamored attachment to my rationality, to its perceived success, and finally to a sorely misdirected attribution of glory. that monster almost never toots its horn but therein lies its danger.

i don't have the right to judge them because they run from God differently--i run, too. i run, and it's so pitiful when that monster tells me i somehow have the right to turn around and tell them to suck it up and get right with God, or that it is somehow my job to "fix" them because i am so much better than them. i ran, too, right? and that makes me an expert, right? they're the prettiest and ugliest lies i have ever heard.

love is not a formula; "love" is a poor description of the overflow of everything that Christ embodies. people are not assignments. they are His beloved, as am i. the Holy Spirit works for His glory alone. help me love with Your love, with a love they can understand; help me point them to Christ. i don't know how to agape but You do; so let me be less so that You can be more. because there is no such thing as a lone christian who runs alone, but there is also nothing more dangerous than a monster that steals the glory.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 4:8-11

Search me, O God, and know my heart!

Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting!

Psalm 139:23-24

“If you want to feel deeply, you have to think deeply. Too often we separate the two. We assume that if we want to feel deeply, then we need to sit around and, well, feel. But emotion built on emotion is empty. True emotion- emotion that is reliable and does not lead us astray- is always a response to reality, to truth.” Joshua Harris

“If you know what He has done at infinite cost to himself—He’s put you into a relationship so that you’ll never be rejected by Him—then your motivation when you sin is to go get Him. You want fellowship with Him. When the thing that most assures you is the thing that most convicts you, you’ll be okay because when you’re convicted of sin in a gospel way it drives you toward God. Without the gospel we hate ourselves instead of our sin. Without the gospel we’re motivated through all sorts of awful fear and pride to change and it doesn’t really change our hearts; it just restrains our hearts.”  Tim Keller

sidenotes;
i'm so lopsided! tennis made my right arm more strong, & for some reason my left foot is bigger D: flats make my left foot not happy.
missions? study abroad?
sociology is so fascinating :)
scarf+boot weather, please come soon ): i don't want any of this hot weather business

sinner in waves of grace

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sometimes things suck, & i'm blind and deaf. i don't know how to see because i don't know what i'm looking for, and i can't hear because all i hear is my own justified discontentment. i want obnoxious & neon telltale signs of Him speaking to me because i'm so blind and deaf that i can't detect anything else. other times things aren't so bad, and maybe the confusion from yesterday has quieted and i notice little things throughout the day that tell me He's knocking at the door.

yesterday the concept of a gracious God got lost in my sin, guilt, & disgust. and because i'm a helpless christian with doubts sometimes, i struggle and squirm and over-complicate things.

so i suppose, in times like these i'm thankful for the faithful God of the bible who loved, forgave, & used people like solomon, david, samson, paul, peter.

"To receive mercy we must first know that God is merciful. And it is not enough to believe that He once showed mercy to Noah or Abraham or David and will again show mercy in some happy future day. We must believe that God's mercy is boundless, free and, through Jesus Christ our Lord, available to us now in our present situation...we may, if we will, lay hold on the mercy of God by faith, enter the hall, and sit down with the bold and avid souls who will not allow diffidence and unbelief to keep them from the feast of fat things prepared for them." -The Knowledge of the Holy, A.W. Tozer

the beautiful thing of it all is that the christian life was never meant to be perfectly rosy, & He's still Him even when i wander or fail.

"To 'abound' in sin: that is the worst and the most we could or can do. The word abound defines the limit of our finite abilities; and although we feel our iniquities rise over us like a mountain, the mountain, nevertheless, has definable boundaries; it is so large, so high, it weighs only this certain amount and no more.But who shall define the limitless grace of God? Its 'much more' plunges our thoughts into infinitude and confunds them there. All thanks be to God for grace abounding.

We who feel ourselves alienated from the fellowship of God can now raise our discouraged heads and look up. Through the virtues of Christ's atoning death the cause of our banishment has been removed.We may return as the  Prodigal returned, and be welcome. As we approach the Garden, our home before the Fall, the flaming sword is withdrawn. The keepers of the tree of life stand aside when they see a son fo grace approaching." -The Knowledge of the Holy, A.W. Tozer

sidenotes;
reason to sing, all sons & daughters
random, but i think it would be super cool to have a husband who can woodwork :p
corel painter essentials 4 !!

heavy

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Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Psalm 51:10-12

i don't really know how to describe it. it's kind of like the muffled, thick silence you hear when there's water in your ears. that silence sits on my chest and although i have memories of past joy, i find very little reality in those memories, just like i find very little motivation to fight. sometimes it's the sin of self-pity and sometimes it's doubt. it's my lack of understanding of His character, it's the helplessness that's carved into my humanness. the obvious signs are the waves of disgust that make me nauseous as i look at the red, bruise-like marks. the not so obvious, but probably more telling signs are the frightening ease with which i tire of all the "right steps" to take back, or the desire to hide or the desire to do nothing. i know He can rescue, i know He is faithful, i know i know i know. but my knowledge doesn't seem to be enough. i kind of just don't want to know anymore.

mexico

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if i could somehow use words to communicate the effect that the mexican people had on me, i would. but i donno how.

i feel as if i have seen the face of jesus through my blind eyes, but only for the briefest moment. through their smiles and warmth, i have seen his heart for them. it's a message that missionaries have been telling us over and over, but we're hard of hearing because all we see is our gadgets: they have much because they are content, but we have little because we are not. the more we greedily ask for, the further we wander from the heart of worship.

self-life

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"It is woven of the fine threads of the self-life, the hyphenated sins of the human spirit. They are not something we do, they are something we are, and therein lies both their subtlety and their power.

To be specific, the self-sins are self-righteousness, self-pity, self-confidence, self-sufficiency, self-admiration, self-love and a host of others like them. They dwell too deep within us and are too much a part of our natures to come to our attention till the light of God is focused upon them...

In human experience that veil is made of living spiritual tissue; it is composed of the sentient, quivering stuff of which our whole beings consist, and to touch it is to touch us where we feel pain. To tear it away is to injure us, to hurt us and make us bleed. To say otherwise is to make the cross no cross and death no death at all. It is never fun to die. To rip through the dear and tender stuff of which life is made can never be anything but deeply painful. Yet that is what the cross did to Jesus and it is what the cross would do to very man to set him free." -The Pursuit of God, A.W. Tozer

sidenotes;
summer has been dry.
& i, too.

give grace

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this weekend i listened to a cacophony of frogs as i tossed & turned in a crowded tent; i also suspect that there was a half squished bee underneath where my pillow was. i jumped at the sight of anything resembling a spider and stifled gags when i had to step into the state park's restroom. i watched the girls faithfully do their makeup routine in the morning & at night, feeling that familiar clamor of confusion poking at me, starting with the question, "what's wrong with me?" & ending with the revisiting conclusion of psalm 139. i read wonderfully mind-blowing excerpts from a.w. tozer's "pursuit of god" (i'm so excited to read it in its full!!), made an improvised version of a strawberry muddle smoothie, and was amazed to see that my bangs were intact in the morning after a day of not showering. i also witnessed a diverse array of fears and watched as the leaders displayed a heartwarming effort to remain together. i ate the most delicious salmon sandwich i have ever had and laughed until my abs hurt at one of the guys' korean dad impression. i stopped by thousand oaks (land of my discipler!) & ate korean bbq in ktown (land of my roomie!). i was visited by one of my migraines that grew increasingly worse as i watched people get disgruntled, myself included (no doubt a result of exhaustion); the kbbq place with neon spotlights and loud kpop did not help, although i did have a nice bewildered laugh to myself when i met two girls in the restroom dressed in club attire who complimented my dusty sneakers and asked if i spoke english when i didn't answer 'cause i didn't know they were talking to me.

if there's anything i've learned this weekend, it's that we sorely need to show each other grace. we are each of us bundles of insecurities and limited patience. how swift are we to cry injustice & demand grace while righteously stabbing our pointing finger into the air, & yet how slow are we to dispense it freely to others.

sidenotes;
today my brother asked insightfully, "are you in human hibernation mode?" & my sister asked what they could do to help me recover. they are sweet (: we biked up ridgeline to suicide hill, went to strickland's for milkshake monday, & went to cha for tea (thai tea with soy milk & no sugar mm!) i also discovered that cha for tea uses fructose. boo. ): no more cha for me.

summer

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i've sneezed at least ten times and visited the bathroom six times in the past few hours since coming to the library to blow my nose because allergies are no bueno. other than that though, i love sitting here, writing my king lear essay while i drink my peach white tea & discreetly people watch. there's a kid running around carrying piles of picture books; he sits in the middle of nowhere, reads one outloud, ("i don wannit in a house, i dun wannit ina car" -green eggs & ham) & then promptly scurries to another location to read another book. there's a cute elderly couple reading chinese newspapers next to me and a few hours ago, there was a pretty lady who surprised me with her response when i asked her if anyone was sitting here: "nobody, you are!"

i love summer 'cause i don't have to wake up at ungodly hours. i get to make breakfast with my brother (bread with eggs, green bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, & ham with a orange, grapefruit, & mango smoothie) and bake strawberry shortcake cookies with my siblings and make spring rolls for the first time. i get to take a photoshoot of my carenotes with adorable tiny easels i bought from michael's. i get to meet up with friends and read for fun and paint a blackberry with acrylics on tiny 5x6 canvas.

summer is great ((:

reflection

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Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7

perhaps the way i see the world is not anything objectively conclusive about the world. 'cause maybe it is instead, an unintentionally frank and telling reflection of everything inside. & if that's the case, how blithely do we sometimes throw ourselves at the world as we chatter all day. maybe sometimes we should listen to ourselves talk.

the silence came from mutual consent but i donno why it makes me so sad because sometimes in the silence i twiddle my thumbs and feel idleness give birth to anger. and then i wanna run away but i have nowhere to go but forward. in silence there is nothingness and the meaning i so desperately grasp at in the nothingness is just imagined. so i guess, all this is to say that sometimes i struggle against imagined chains wanting imagined sources of satisfaction only to realize in brief moments of blessed light that the struggling reflects dissatisfaction. & then i am content to stop struggling. God is good to me. ((:

bum bum bum

sidenote;
strawberry shortcake cookies! (:
i can't wait to cook & make care packages next year hehe

marred

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they look like ugly red cancerous bruises and i know they're not but i hate them anyways.

jonah / sleepers

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"they are unsatisfied in their million dollar houses.

the extent to which trials and tribulations touches their lives is in thirteen year old dogs that take up space, and inconsiderate roommates. they do church. it adds a pretty frame on their life resume. they don’t know, don’t need, don’t care. i’m not sure what mirror they look into, because somehow they see no wounds. everything is empty and they love it. they are so satisfied in their million dollar houses.

how do you speak truth when they are deaf? when they have their own. how do i speak truth when i feel my throat constricted by sadness and anger.

wake up, sleepers. you break my heart."

i am petulant. i am jonah, shaking my fist and raging at the world. in my squeaky little roar.

dig deep. take root.

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. Psalm 103:8

It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners. Mark 2:17

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1

exorbitant

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we had an interesting discussion at college fellowship on sunday, & here are my following thoughts (:

in light of the college christian culture--all the books on christian relationships, all the ambiguous talk about the necessity of boundaries, the subversion underlying "brother/sister-in-christ" as we use this label to justify closeness, & the pervasive pressure to find a christian spouse--i can't help but feel sometimes that we are dangerously close to becoming like a meat market.

but before we as a culture can address practical "how-to's" in interacting with the opposite gender in a healthy & God-honoring way, i feel like it's necessary to take a step back & consider our attitude in light of what kind of people God has called us to be: holy, set-apart, above reproach, blameless; edifiers, Christ-emulators.

ask yourself whether you would be doing so if that person were married. ask yourself whether you can stand before God and say with confidence, "i treated this person with utmost purity, in every aspect." ask yourself whether your words/actions are edifying--meaning, they point the person towards christ and do not draw attention back to yourself. because that's the nature of sin: it makes us self-obsessed attention whores, clamoring for godship as we idiomatically bite off more than we can chew.

is someone else's pain brought about by careless words/unclear boundaries a price worth paying for a week, a month of your personal gratification? for the measly knowledge that someone is interested in you because you are oh-so-charming? what an exorbitant price to pay for so cheap quality a thrill. where is the harm in some fun? i dunno. you tell me.



sidenotes;
i love making grocery runs with my siblings & buying fruit to make smoothies.
i love taking pictures of my beautiful sisters at church!
i love that my two childhood friends are inching towards Him.
i love that my summer school classes are easy & enjoyable (:
i love that i love thinking & writing
i love summer hehehehehehe

fight it all with truth

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i am haunted by hindsight as it mercifully (cruelly?) peels off the scales covering my eyes. He has placed a crown on my head and i keep trying to cheapen it, tear it off & spit on it as i feverishly slap on ugly blue "Hello, I am" labels as if they were bandages sufficient enough to cover the dirt i remember having on my hands. but He embraces me and says, "be still. cease striving. quiet."

& these are the verses that chase away the darkness:

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. 1 John 4:8

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.” Mark 8:34-35

My soul waits for the Lord

more than watchmen wait for the morning,

more than watchmen wait for the morning. Psalm 130:6

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry. "Abba, Father." Romans 8:15

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. Psalm 46:10

He is good to me. (:

sidenotes;

wuah spider ambush few moments ago. made me cry lol D: laughing at the ridiculousness of it all, sigh
somehow spiders don't bother our home all year long when i'm away at college but the moment i come home, they return. this means war. D:<
i have exactly 100 days before school starts again. LET'S DO THIS

held together

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so easily torn apart. all the rhythms of my everyday life--the voice of my roommate webcamming, the strange conversations i overhear at price center where i seek refuge in the white noise, the quietness of my room and the loudness of my thoughts. today i felt overriding panic that threw everything into stark relief as i heard the voice of reason--of pride?--chastising me while tears i did not know i had left salty streaks on my cheeks. i am so easily torn apart and yet somehow, He holds me together. show me mercy, for i am flighty, i am prone to wander.

fear can either inspire me to action or paralyze me into inaction. who is it that i fear?

sidenotes;
i've learned so much in twelve months' time, i'm speechless.
i want out, i want home. somehow i will.

a love both fierce & gentle

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"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:35

"But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Psalm 86:15

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18

"For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." 2 Corinthians 4:5-7

“Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God is of a different nature altogether. It does not hate tragedy. It never denies reality. It stands in the very teeth of suffering. The love of God did not protect His own Son. The was the proof of His love – that He gave that Son, that He let Him to Calvary’s cross, though 'legions of angels' might have rescued Him. He will not necessarily protect us- not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process.”   Elisabeth Elliot


“To ask that God’s love should be content with us as we are is to ask that God should cease to be God: because He is what He is, His love must, in the nature of things, be impeded and repelled by certain stains in our present character, and because He already loves us He must labour to make us lovable. We cannot wish, in our better moments, that He could reconcile Himself to our present impurities—no more than the beggar maid could wish that King Cophetua should be content with her rags and dirt.” -C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

the standard & goal of His love is holiness. He will stop at nothing. how fiercely our heavenly father loves, & yet how gentle & patient He is!
let everything that i am cause people's gazes to be drawn irresistibly upwards.

sidenotes;

home home home home home

heart of glass

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"Even if it were granted that insurances against heartbreak were our highest wisdom, does God Himself offer them? Apparently not. Christ comes at last to say 'Why hast thou forsaken me?' ... There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. t will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell...

"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If your hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it...

"But the question whether we are loving God or the earthly Beloved 'more' is not, so far as concerns our Christian duty, a question about the comparative intensity of two feelings. The real question is, which (when the alternative comes) do you serve, or choose, to put first? To which claim does your will, in the last resort, yield?" -C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

sidenotes;

c.s. lewis is so brilliant

pocket watch

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"'Can you fix it?'

She stood just past the threshold of the shop, her fingers fiddling possessively with a small bronze pocket watch. Smells of all welcoming sorts enveloped her like a coaxing hug: lacquered wood, loose leaf tea, and a hint of rosemary olive oil bread that lingered in the distance.

'Only if you want me to.'

He didn't turn around, preoccupied with his work at hand. The gentle noninvasive chorus of ticks and tocks from the walls and walls of clocks filled the sandalwood air with its sweet, calming sound. His response hung in the air and was not met with any sound of acknowledgment. He put down the petite iron hammer with which he had been fixing a dent in a clock gear and turned around to see a little girl awkwardly stretch out her occupied palms. When he motioned to take the bronze pocket watch, like an injured beast, she started and instinctively clenched her tiny fingers around the chain of the soundless piece of metal.

'Do you want me to?'

She stretched our her palm again only to recoil after a moment's hesitation. She pressed the pocket watch against her chest as if she could somehow absorb it and fix it herself.

'Will you let me?'"

[ emotional quarantine ]

sidenotes;
stumbling through the fray

frankenstein

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"it became a thing of glass. one slip of an unaware finger and the sound of echoing tinkles would fill the suffocating air. she couldn't afford to hear the sound of shards striking the ground because the pieces would fly back together again as if nothing happened. it had evolved a mind of its own and mutinously refused to share its secrets with its host as it executed hijacking of the most slick kind, leaving no evidence behind.

sinewy, life sustaining muscle had become a self destructive piece of machinery gone haywire as it turned upon itself with machine-like accuracy.

it was everything but the thing she most desperately wanted it to be: under her control."

sidenotes;
a;lskdfj;asdlfk
losing vision, running on fading memories & tripping into doubt
white noise
static

struggling

source

"it felt like an allergic reaction, maybe.

or perhaps it was a cruel trick puppeteered by mischievous sprites.

she frowned and wearily banished the thought from her mind. there were no such things as sprites.

all she knew was that she didn't know anymore. it was foreign, frighteningly so, to be so easily reduced to tears. it was as if her tear ducts were clogged and any stupid trigger could momentarily open the floodgates. her throat would close. all doors shut mockingly in her face. every attempt, thrown aside with devastating ease.

how fitting. the girl with the iron resolve at the mercy of the very thing she had once mocked."

/just a doodle

sidenotes;

i don't know

it was randomly foggy & chilly today even though the weather forecast predicted 70 degrees
thank you, God

dearly loved

source
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

the angry red paper cut reflected in his concerned eyes as she waved her afflicted finger in his face. all the five year old needed was to be held in her father's arms and although her paper cut did not magically disappear, she could rest at ease in the reassuring embrace of a father's love.

this is a shadow of the love our abba father has for us. "you are my dearly loved child," he says with open arms. we needn't hide our tears or flee from the reality that we are fragile, easily bruised, & broken. what five year old daughter hides her tears before her father with the hope that he will see her as a mature woman when in fact she is clearly not? how egotistical & vain it is to cling to the delusion that we are somehow strong, self-sufficient, and immune to the troubles of this world.

a father would not glance dismissively at his crying five year old daughter's plea for comfort. he would not expect her to have a freakish, robotic ability to turn off the tears & shut down the fear and panic in her heart. we are not conveniently custom made with a power switch, and on the same token, neither do we have a pause button. a father wouldn't tell his teary child to cater to his schedule so that he can offer comfort only when he is not busy.

in the same way, our abba father does not look down on our pain and he is never too busy to listen to our prayers. he stepped into the midst of our broken world as Christ incarnate to suffer alongside us to show precisely how much he cares. through Christ's ministry of reconciliation, we can reach God. we can find reassurance from the God of all comfort. we can dwell in a place of quietude and peace.

"The seemingly petty and insignificant matters are a great magnitude to Him because these things are a great magnitude to us."

"Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living... Obedience involves...this warring with worries and regrets, this bringing into captivity our thoughts. We have planted (in our integrity) the banner of our trust in God. The consequences are his responsibility." -Elisabeth Elliot, Passion & Purity

"To come to a pleasure you have not, you must go by a way in which you enjoy not." St. John on the cross

sidenotes;

struggling

learning to dream part iii

source

i now have my own sony5n & i love it more than i would a dslr. (: i can speak conversational korean. i have seen so much divine orchestration in many areas of my life, one of which is so fully covered by God's fingerprints that it takes my breath away. i can now run 5k, and i am scheduled for a 5k mud race this coming saturday! i have gotten to know many of the harvest sisters better. there has been hints of faith in my brief correspondences with f.h. & l.c., and i'm excited for where that will take us.

i want to take photography and sketching classes through ucsd extension. i would still very much like to be a neuroscience/physiology major with a human development minor. i'm curious about studying abroad, at dartmouth or u.k. or korea.

i'd like to open my own stationery business over the summer. i want to train up to a half marathon. i still want a toller & an aussie when i grow up. i dream and pray that people in my life will come before christ in brokenness & full surrender.

i want to go on missions in asia through omf. i'd like to pursue physical therapy or veterinary studies, maybe. i want to learn greek.

i am excited for what He has in store (:

[ learning to dream part ii ]

so it begins

source

After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10 

thought#1; it wasn't urine but blood that i saw. the fight-or-flight response kicked in, and i chose flight. i smothered the fear that i would further aggravate my body and i ran, accompanied by the morbidly amused thought: "my body is deteriorating. i'm only 18. my body is deteriorating."

thought#2; "do you even love me?" she implied. and there i was, pointing the finger of blame, playing the victim card, hypocritically groping for justification as i sat firmly in the stifling pit of my sin. i was an easy target for satan, who had been grasping the many footholds with greedy hands, unnoticed until now.

thought#3; we forgive and love out of the overflow, and encounters with the real & holy God cause fear & trembling in the broken creations that we are. "maybe He doesn't even know me," i thought as i labelled myself "callused beyond repair." i was almost there. just a few more days, just a little shove, & i might have been lost.

thought#4; it was that night that i saw a glimpse of His holiness through the shards of this broken jar. i am strangely, nonsensically, inexplicably loved by a Holy Creator who did not see fit to leave me at the mercy of my sin in this warring world. it was a messy way to end messy years but the time has come for new things. everything fades away into bland discolor in the face of His vibrant, unbearable, & holy glory.

"Steadfastness, that is holding on;

patience, that is holding back;

expectancy, that is holding the face up;

obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do;

listening, that is holding quiet and still as to hear."
-S.D. Gordon

And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Galatians 5:24

& so it beings!

on the heart part ii

source

“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”   C.S. Lewis

“If you want to feel deeply, you have to think deeply. Too often we separate the two. We assume that if we want to feel deeply, then we need to sit around and, well, feel. But emotion built on emotion is empty. True emotion--emotion that is reliable and does not lead us astray--is always a response to reality, to truth.” Joshua Harris

“Love always involves responsibility, and love always involves sacrifice. And we do not really love Christ unless we are prepared to face His task and to take up His Cross.”   William Barclay

“Faith is not only a commitment to the promises of Christ; faith is also a commitment to the demands of Christ.”  William Barclay

“To love God is to love His will. It is to wait quietly for life to be measured by One who knows us through and through. It is to be content with His timing and His wise appointment.”   Elisabeth Elliot

"When God asks a man to do something, methods, means, materials, and specific directions are always provided. The man has one thing to do: obey." Elisabeth Elliot

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay own his life for his friends." John 15:7-13

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. 
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. 
I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. 
I have set the Lord always before me. 
Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:5-8


"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. 
Commit your way to the  Lord; trust in him and he will do this: 
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. 
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him..." Psalm 37:3-7

sidenotes;

You overflow my cup with joy (:
You draw me near at the foot of the cross, at your throne of grace
& i will sit at Your feet.

i have never cried this much in the short duration of a week.
i can now say to my consternation that for the first time of my college career, i have woken ten minutes into a final omg. i have never been so grateful for my roommate’s distinctively cute voice as i am now.
i impulse bought a a 0.20mm micron pen & a watercolor moleskine for my personal psalms hehe
i thank God for humbling me, for showing me grace, for sustaining me with His strength, for providing me with support from my sisters in christ & siblings, & reminding me that He is Lord over everything: including my emotions & grades.
i can’t wait to drink a matcha green tea latte from milk&honey mmMMm!
i love the smell of coffee. i am overjoyed being in coffee shops/cafes (:
i am a mess but God is truly so very good to me! (((:


[ on the heart part i ]