so it begins

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After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10 

thought#1; it wasn't urine but blood that i saw. the fight-or-flight response kicked in, and i chose flight. i smothered the fear that i would further aggravate my body and i ran, accompanied by the morbidly amused thought: "my body is deteriorating. i'm only 18. my body is deteriorating."

thought#2; "do you even love me?" she implied. and there i was, pointing the finger of blame, playing the victim card, hypocritically groping for justification as i sat firmly in the stifling pit of my sin. i was an easy target for satan, who had been grasping the many footholds with greedy hands, unnoticed until now.

thought#3; we forgive and love out of the overflow, and encounters with the real & holy God cause fear & trembling in the broken creations that we are. "maybe He doesn't even know me," i thought as i labelled myself "callused beyond repair." i was almost there. just a few more days, just a little shove, & i might have been lost.

thought#4; it was that night that i saw a glimpse of His holiness through the shards of this broken jar. i am strangely, nonsensically, inexplicably loved by a Holy Creator who did not see fit to leave me at the mercy of my sin in this warring world. it was a messy way to end messy years but the time has come for new things. everything fades away into bland discolor in the face of His vibrant, unbearable, & holy glory.

"Steadfastness, that is holding on;

patience, that is holding back;

expectancy, that is holding the face up;

obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do;

listening, that is holding quiet and still as to hear."
-S.D. Gordon

And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Galatians 5:24

& so it beings!