Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Psalm 51:10-12
Psalm 51:10-12
i don't really know how to describe it. it's kind of like the muffled, thick silence you hear when there's water in your ears. that silence sits on my chest and although i have memories of past joy, i find very little reality in those memories, just like i find very little motivation to fight. sometimes it's the sin of self-pity and sometimes it's doubt. it's my lack of understanding of His character, it's the helplessness that's carved into my humanness. the obvious signs are the waves of disgust that make me nauseous as i look at the red, bruise-like marks. the not so obvious, but probably more telling signs are the frightening ease with which i tire of all the "right steps" to take back, or the desire to hide or the desire to do nothing. i know He can rescue, i know He is faithful, i know i know i know. but my knowledge doesn't seem to be enough. i kind of just don't want to know anymore.