meanderings

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today i felt distinctly heard, seen, and loved by God. there are many threads of thought in my head, and they are all thrumming with anticipation and the restrained potential of such depth and scope. i will eventually explore all of them and thoroughly wear the topics thin with combing and sifting and interrogating and illuminating, but for now, incohesive sentences will suffice as glimpses into my present thought life.

i discovered an almost alarmingly puny threshold for encouragement and discouragement.

i am engaging the idea of leaning forward into yet-to-be fleshed out characteristics of God, with a posture of expectancy, of intensity, of calmness, of trust. perhaps it is a season to lean forward instead of leaning back to rest on already sedimented anchors of God's character. perhaps in leaning forward i am also using strength i would find from leaning back.

i had a very intimate moment with God today and immediately encountered the tension of a borderline frantic desire to capture the moment, to fence it in with words and freeze it and frame it so as to forever memorialize it. maybe some moments are too intimate to be described, let alone shared with anyone else.

i am hyper cognizant of the development of my various identities; of my social consciousness, of my internalization of identities which dig deep and anchor me. i am neither asian nor american; rather i am distinctly asian, american. i use the comma to destabilize the intactness of "asian american" - the ways in which we uncritically internalize an identity with political implications and history of struggle which we know nothing about. i am a person of color, am i not? i am a woman, not a womyn. but i am also most attentive to the voice which calls me "beloved" as i navigate these many layers.

i am sitting in the midst of many overlapping thoughts and entertaining the possibility of embracing my aloneness in this moment: no other human can possibly enter into the entirety of my inner world, nor is that reasonable or good. weren't we ultimately made for the sole enjoyment of the Creator? to desire someone to enter that space of sacred unknowability - wouldn't this be to impose God's sole privilege onto another creation and cause destruction?

so much more i don't even know

sidenotes;

my sleep schedule is the poops right now

friend of God

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"God is his friend, as appears by his early love to him, his choice of him, and provisions of grace for him; by sending his son to save him; by visiting him, not only in a way of providence, but of grace; by disclosing his secrets, showing his covenant to him, and by making him his heir, and a joint heir with Christ.

Christ is his friend, as is evident from his visiting him at his incarnation; and in a spiritual way, by the communication of his secrets to him; by his hearty counsel and faithful reproofs; by his undertaking and doing for him what he has; and especially by suffering and dying in his room and stead. 

The Holy Spirit is his friend, which he has shown by discovering to him his woeful estate by nature, and the way of salvation by Christ; by working all his works in him; by acting the part of a Comforter to him; by revealing divine things to him, by helping him under all his infirmities; by making intercession for him according to the will of God; and by making him meet for eternal glory and happiness

angels are his friends, as is plain by their well pleasedness with the incarnation of Christ for men; and which they express at their conversion; by their ministering to them, their protection of them, and the good offices they do them both in life and at death; and saints are friends to one another

and such should show themselves friendly to God, their covenant God and Father; by frequently visiting him at the throne of grace; by trusting in him; by a carefulness not to offend, but please him; and by a close and faithful adherence to his cause and interest: to Jesus Christ their Redeemer, by a ready obedience to his commands; by owning and using him as their friend; by taking notice of his friends, and showing them respect, his ministers and poor saints; by cleaving to him, and renouncing the friendship of his enemies: and likewise to the Holy Spirit, by not grieving, quenching, and despising him; but by making use of him, and giving up themselves to his influence and direction; and by acknowledging him as the author of all their grace: also to angels, by speaking well of them, owning their good offices, and reckoning it an honour that they are come and joined to such a company; and to the saints, by Christian conversation with them, by sympathizing with them in all conditions, by hearty counsel, faithful reproofs and admonitions, and by helping them in every distress, inward and outward."
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your kindness leads me to repentance. it rests lightly and sweetly upon my soul. it soothes my inclinations towards strife and agitation, it silences the static dissonance that strains and threatens to interrupt the praise in my heart. your kindness is clean, simple, deep, rich, resolute, and gentle.

sidenotes;

grief

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if you ask me how to grieve i will tell you i don't know either. i will tell you throw out the "how to" because there is no "how to." there is not clean one two three's, no finish line in sight. it is messy and heavy and dark. it looks like the trembling contours of someone's back as they hug themselves on the floor and stare at the dust on the carpet. it sounds like the awful creak of the bed at 3:47am as the layers of a dream dissolves in a cold sweat. it feels like the opening and closing of empty palms and the fleeting desire to rip off the thing that is collapsing around your lungs and your stomach and your chest. it tastes like hunger and apathy and weaknesses at the same time, because when food tastes like nothing you are hungry and apathetic and weak. and if you ask me if it goes away i will say no.

but i will also tell you that it stays and it changes shape: that sometimes it will be loud and petulant, and other times it will be tired and retreat into silence. it will sometimes be extra-ordinarily heavy but there will be people to hold it with you. let them hold it with you. it's mostly a dull ache, and in the beginning it's ugly and muddy and hot with pain and cold with ache, but it will become burnished and vibrant. if you look closely there will be colors and it will become rich and warm and life-giving. it will at first rage and demand all your attention but later it will concede to welcome other things, and you will be at first terrified when you feel it welcome joy for a moment. you might hurriedly stamp joy away because won't know how to allow them to coexist. but let it learn to welcome other things, because it is changing and will continue to do so.

and you'll find that the heaviness has not changed, but the weakness in your hands and heart and back has strengthened. you'll realize that it wasn't the only one undergoing change - you with your different hands, heart, back, have gone through fire and pressure by facing that which we call grief but have no words for. and you'll find that it is all of a sudden, light. and bright. you'll likely look at me and wonder how that change happened and i will have no answer for you.

so if you asked me how to grieve i will tell you i really don't know. i wasn't lucid in the moment and everything was cast in a strange and surreal light. but maybe we can walk and learn together; in time you will taste sweet again, you will be able to sit in your dimly lit bedroom without feeling your chest crumple in. we can get there together.

sidenotes;
i can't write this essay
tonight my  heart is stubbornly elsewhere - in the past, in a different location, with different people
tonight i might be crumpling in

heaven rushing

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He says, "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

sometimes i am filled with an intense and incorruptible excitement and vision for the future. for God's work in broad social movements, for how he will use his servants to facilitate global political and economic shifts. i believe he is king of this world and that his plan is radical, thrumming with the resolute intent of spiritual redemption and reconciliation. i believe he works all things for the good of those who love him and for his ultimate glorification. the excitement grips all that i am with a fierce eagerness that i can only be still as i marvel. other times it becomes quiet embers as i write the emails and organize meetings and squint and stare at the nitty gritty which resolutely remain nitty gritty. but it's there, it's always there, and i can sit still always because i can wait upon the sound of marching upon the balsam trees. the sound of heaven rushing as a mighty wind. he is king of the universe and all will bow down, and i will follow as he goes before me.

sidenotes;
hehehehe

outpouring

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And Hannah answered and said, “No, my lord, I am a woman of sorrowful spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor intoxicating drink, but have poured out my soul before the LORD. Do not consider your maidservant a wicked woman, for out of the abundance of my complaint and grief I have spoken until now.” Then Eli answered and said, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition which you have asked of Him.” And she said, “Let your maidservant find favor in your sight.” So the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad.

Then they rose early in the morning and worshiped before the LORD, and returned and came to their house at Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her. So it came to pass in the process of time that Hannah conceived and bore a son, and called his name Samuel, saying, “Because I have asked for him from the LORD.” 1 Samuel 1:18

"b. I have poured out my soul before the LORD: This is exactly what Hannah needed to do. Instead of keeping the bitterness of soul and the anguish in her heart, she poured it out of her soul before the LORD.

d. Her face was no longer sad: The change in Hannah’s countenance shows that she received the promise with faith, something necessary if we will inherit the promises of God (Hebrews 6:12).

i. Hannah shows how we can regain the joy of fellowship in the house of the LORD again: by pouring out our heart before the LORD and by, receiving His word with faith.

c. It came to pass in the process of time: It didn’t happen right away. Hannah had reason enough to be discouraged, but when the promise of God came, she did not lose faith in the promise, even when it took some time. She is a great example of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises (Hebrews 6:12).

i. 'So the meaning is, That although her husband knew her conjugally at his return, and God was mindful of her, and intended in his time to give her his blessing, yet she did not conceive at first, but after some days or time afterwards.' (Poole)" -Source

sidenotes;

i want to be tender, gentle, & warm, in alignment with the joy i have to unceremoniously pour the contents of my soul into the palms of my sweet King. but i am shortsighted, i am rough and short and cold and i lack. i can be pretentious and contemptuous and self-oriented and it is the most distasteful toxic thing in my heart, i hate it. i see it, i hate it; let me stay in the safe waters of disgusted awareness a little while longer. here i am safe as his grace breaks me to pieces

inner life colors

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i wonder at the inner life of strangers, acquaintances, dear friends. what colors are your thoughts? what sounds do you hear, what are the tones of your emotions? what are the rhythm, the tempo, the dynamics of your heart's movements? what is the scope? the depth? the perspective: in to out, out to in, down to up, up to down? do you dwell, do you suppress, do you probe, do you attack, do you observe, do you sift, do you question, investigate, seek, avoid, forget, abandon? with what strength do you cherish? are you a fighter, a wanderer? do you rebel with the fire of an impulsive sprinter or with the embers of a deliberate marathon runner? do you have reserves of a puddle or a sea, a creek or a river? is there vibrancy, sweetness, richness, softness, hardness - and what does it look like?

do your thoughts have scars. is there static noise. is that noise intentional and are you aware of its presence? where is it shadowy and foggy and why did it become like that? what material are your walls made of, who built them, and who left those marks of war on those walls? how many walls are up, when were they erected, and what are they protecting? are they structured or haphazard, protective and preventative or hostile and armed? is your inner world a warzone or a sanctuary of safety? do you navigate it bravely, timidly, not at all? what voices do you hear, what faces do you see, whose influence do you feel? whose embrace do you long for? are there scars on the ground from things that have been taken from you, things that have been lost? does jesus walk there? are there doors in or out? are there rooms locked or open? if you were to let me in, how would my soul react to yours?

sidenotes;
i have the most dearest friends forever and ever

oxygen of kingdom citizens

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Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8

"The instruction in this text should not be lifted from its context...in the Sermon and abused...God [is not] a celestial slot machine. Pull the handle enough times in prayer, be persistent, and you will get what you want! Such thinking is entirely wrong! A text without a context is a pretext. Isolating this text from its setting in the Sermon on the Mount is deadly. The broad context of the Sermon sets down the surpassing righteousness, humility, sincerity, purity, and love expected of those who are members of the kingdom of God. These virtues are beyond human attainment apart from God's grace. The broad context underscores our need. In the immediately preceding context (vv. 1-6) Jesus has shown us the danger of condemning other people as if we were judges. He also has told us to get the plank out of our own eye before we attempt to remove a speck from someone else's. His warning is, 'For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you' (v. 2). This standard is terrifying. Who is adequate for such things? How can we live up to such a high standard? We need to be cleansed. We need help and grace, but from where? Jesus answers, 'Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you' (v. 7). This famous text is not carte blanche for our material desires. Rather, it tells us how to pray for the character of the kingdom in our lives. -Kent Hughes

There are at least three things that hinder us from going deeper in prayer. The first is the sneaking suspicion that prayer doesn’t matter. It’s easy to fall into a kind of fatalism that says 'God’s gonna do what God’s gonna do.' So we stop praying because we think nothing will change. Then there is the fear that we won’t pray in the 'right' way, that we won’t use the correct words or we won’t use the right formula and that God therefore won’t even bother to hear what we say. Finally most of us struggle with the little voice inside that tells us we’ve got more important things to do. Prayer is good but we need to get on with the 'real business' of the day. So we don’t pray as we ought or as we would like. Ray Pritchard

Ask (aiteo) means to ask for with urgency, even to the point of demanding. Aiteo more frequently suggests attitude of a suppliant means to makes a humble, earnest plea or entreaty), the petitioning of one who is lesser in position than he to whom the petition is made. To ask means to to call on for an answer, which indicates that we believe there is someone (our Father) listening. It also implies that we expect Him to answer or otherwise why ask?

Seek (zeteo) means to attempt to learn something by careful investigation or searching,  to desire to have or experience something or to try to obtain something from someone. Seeking is asking plus acting, implying earnest petitioning coupled with an active endeavoring to fulfill needs.

Knock (krouo) means to rap at a door for entrance and thus implies an even greater and more repetitive intensity than either asking or seeking. The English word "knock" comes from German word meaning to press!...The idea might imply praying in the face of difficulty and even resistance. If you knock like this, your desire for entrance must be very great indeed.

Note the ascending degree of intensity from asking then to seeking and finally to overtly knocking! Each of these verbs is in the present imperative, which is a command to do each of these activities continually. Jesus is calling for persistence in prayer. Prayer is as necessary to us as oxygen to our life. Prayer is the lifeline for citizens of the Kingdom of heaven who are still on earth and as such it expresses our continued dependence on Him as we beseech Him for the grace and power to live the supernatural life of surpassing righteousness that Jesus has described in this Sermon. In order to live out the righteousness we must ask and keep asking, seek and keep seeking and knock and keep knocking.

Kingdom citizens persist in desiring that the character, ambitions, attitudes, and behavior that Jesus called for be shown consistently in our lives. Yet we realize how impossible this is given our weaknesses, our propensity for sin, and our lack of power to obey (we have not forgotten the first Beatitude – 'blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven'). So our Lord tells us to call upon the God of the impossible! In other words, what Jesus has commanded in attitude, ambition, behavior, and deed cannot be done apart from persistent, ongoing, regular, faithful prayer.

Asking suggests dependence; seeking suggests yearning; knocking suggests persistence.

The potency of prayer has subdued the strength of fire, it has bridled the rage of lions, hushed anarchy to rest, extinguished wars, appeased the elements, expelled demons, burst the chains of death, expanded the fates of heaven, assuaged diseases, dispelled frauds, rescued cities from destruction, stayed the sun in its course, and arrested the progress of the thunderbolt. There is (in it) an all-sufficient panoply, a treasure undiminished, a mine which is never exhausted, a sky unobscured by clouds, a heaven unruffled by the storm. It is the root, the fountain, the mother of a thousand blessings! Beloved do I really believe this? Better yet do I really believe what Jesus promises to those who ask, seek and knock? My (and your) answer to this question will not be evidenced by a simple 'yes' or 'no' but by the 'calluses (or lack of) on our knees' so to speak!)"

Matthew 7:7-8 Commentary

i ask because i lack the capacity to obey you. because i feel the wayward and chaotic strains of my wandering heart that is prone to leave the god i love. i ask because you are my heavenly father and you look at me and see your treasured, precious daughter. i seek because i can't see in the dark, because i am desperate and recognition of my need has driven me from a posture of asking to movement - left, right, up, down: the answer must exist therefore i am seeking. i am knocking because i have found the source but it is hidden from me behind the kindness of your wooden doors which say "wait." but it's there, behind closed doors, and i will knock in a manner of expectancy and eagerness and hope characteristic of a daughter who knows she is loved by her father. i will knock because you promised to open the doors and because i am loved by my king who delights in me, who delights in fulfilling his promises to me, who delights in giving gifts to me as he molds me into christ's likeness. give me battered and callused and bruised knees.

sidenotes;
into the fray

object of my hope

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"ruth 1:13

ii. If Naomi was bitter or angry against God, she probably would have gone another way - further from the God of Israel, rather than back to Him. Instead, she showed that she trusted the sovereignty of God, and knew that despite her personal calamities, He is a good God who blesses.

iii. What Naomi could not see is that the hand of the LORD would go out for her shortly! There is never reason for us to despair if we believe the hand of the LORD has gone out against me. If we will return to Him, His hand will go out for us again! Naomi had no idea - not the slightest - of how greatly God was going to bless her in a short time.

ruth 1:21

d. The Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me . . . the LORD has brought me home again empty . . . the LORD has testified against me: Naomi was not afraid to see the hand of God in all her calamity.

i. Naomi knew that the tragedy that came into her life was not because of fate, chance, or blind fortune. She felt the tragedies were an example of God’s affliction because she could not see the end of His plan. But she knew there was a sovereign God of heaven, and didn’t think she had just run into a string of “bad luck.”

ii. Yet, in the midst of all these bitter circumstances, Naomi was not bitter against the LORD. We can imagine one of the villagers asking, “Naomi, if God has dealt very bitterly with you, if the LORD has brought you home empty, if the LORD has testified against you, then why have you come back?” And she would have said, “Because I want to get right with Him again. Things have been terrible, and the answer isn’t in going further from God, but in drawing closer to Him.”

iii. Not everyone reacts to trials the way Naomi did. “Many are humbled, but not humble; low, but not lowly. These have lost the fruit of their afflictions . . . and are therefore most miserable.” (Trapp)

ruth 2:1

ii. Sometimes we justify wrong choices because of difficult circumstances. But God will strengthen us, and bless us, to make the right choice, even in difficult circumstances.

ruth 2:2-3

ii. Many times when we are really walking in the Spirit, we can only see the invisible hand of God by looking back. If we spend too much time trying to look for His hand ahead of us, we can make problems for our self." Guzik commentary

"I've always found it curious that this proclamation of the Lord's never-ceasing and ever-new mercies and faithfulness is nested in the context of lament over God's sending Israel into exile for her unfaithfulness. This last year, as we studied Judges and saw how even God's punishment of Israel for her idolatry was a reflection of his faithfulness to the covenant he made with his people, and a consequence of his lovingly acting for their good and his glory, I was reminded of the daily faithfulness of God and newness of his mercies. And it strikes me that the context of this passage is a perfect reflection of God's faithfulness in every season.

Thank God that he is a living and active God, whose love and mercy never come to an end, even in meting out just punishment, as he is ever faithful to his character, to his Word. Therefore I will hope in him." -pnick

if i could only see. if i could squeeze hope out of my bones, wash off the fear that clings to my skin, throw it at the obstinate blankness which lingers in my path. where is your redemption in families? vision? obedience? surrender? sacrifice? if i cry out for a fortune telling will you instead increase my faith? i guess there is no hope in my bones, and that's why i must desperately stake all of me in a hope outside of me. i ask because i lack. i'm asking, i'm seeking, i'm knocking.

sidenotes;
ahm nitty gritty
on another note, i am presently feeling particularly affectionate of my dearest friends ahhhh

ever richer fruit

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We are women, and my plea is Let me be a woman, holy through and through, asking for nothing but what God wants to give me, receiving with both hands and with all my heart whatever that is. Elisabeth Elliot

Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts. Elisabeth Elliot

Faith's most severe tests come not when we see nothing, but when we see a stunning array of evidence that seems to prove our faith vain. Elisabeth Elliot

"to be a woman is to have suffered. 

I can’t really explain why I think this is true. But I think I never felt so much the fragility of being a woman with the weight of the decisions of men in my life as I have recently. If womanhood was a skin, it took a cold, pouring ice rainstorm to step into it." -v.perng

when i ask for vision my trembling heart is asking for a forecast, a fortune telling, an easy way out. for blessed release from this -- how nearsighted of me though, to ask for "happy escape" from the suffering that God himself has carefully ordained for me. the suffering of obeying him when it's difficult to die to myself. as i survey my life i see clearly the hand of the great physician grasping the tool of suffering as it hems me in and as it readies me to bear fruit. when i ask for vision, give me precisely this gift: vision of your greater will in this. ever deeper roots, ever sweeter communion, ever richer fruit. this i ask for soberly.

my fragile fingers have a slippery and timid hold on a foundational understanding of present suffering. my hindsight understanding of suffering is solid, but sometimes in the present, the pain is all up in my face in an obnoxious and unrelenting manner. who has ever grown great faith except through great trials? through blood, sweat, tears.


sidenotes;
tonight i feel winded

depth under scrutiny

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"The heart must be the first, chief, constant object of solicitude to the Christian. It is this which God sees, and because God principally looks at it, the heart must be ever uppermost in our concern.

...To keep the heart must mean exerting ourselves with great earnestness, in dependence upon Divine grace, to preserve it in a good state; laboring to preserve its vitality, vigor, and purity.

...The heart is the citadel of the soul. If this is neglected, the enemy at the gates will soon be in and take possession. Set a watch, therefore, upon the heart. Let the sentinel be never off duty, nor sleeping at his post." -Proverbs 4:23 Commentary

i am navigating through life consisting of very human people with wildly different richness/color/depth/multidimensional/multifaceted quality of inner life. in doing so i am increasingly filled with an itching curiosity about the following things:

-our unique journeys to understanding vulnerability: do we demean it? do we value it? do we fear it? do we avoid it? do we idolize it? do we live in it? is it characterized by Christ-like humility? or is it characterized by an ill-begotten plea for self-victimizing, self-serving attention?
-our unique ways of individually experiencing and processing things i.e. emotions, thoughts, struggles, praises - aka the nitty gritty of life: how long does it take to process individually? which voices weigh most influentially during the processing? what blinds us in the process? what is our inner endurance level? all or nothing, chunk by chunk, not at all? what are the instruments of articulation and organization: writing, talking, silence?
-our unique ways of turning an insular gaze to an outreaching, sharing posture: what is our understanding of the meaning we attach to sharing? where did this understanding come from? is it biblical?
-our unique ways of seeking guidance/help: who are our peers? our mentors? our paul's, our barnabas's, our timothy's? who are our safe people? are they really safe?
-our unique ways of not doing any of the above
-self-perception of pride enlaced into our being: how are we deceiving ourselves through justification and/or victimization? how are we failing to make the connection between certain suffering/brokenness and our own responsibility/sinfulness/pride? because when has pride ever not been a factor, ever. how can we be real with others if we can't be real with ourselves.
-is it possible for some people to be vacant. i guess so. please help me understand because i'm so confused. do i have to understand to love? i guess not. but it helps. and i'm still confused at the end of the day help meee

sidenotes;
"nasar" (guard): to guard, protect, keep, obey; observe, behold, watch, inspect
can we please delve into the deep and dark and scary together? we can pioneer it togetherrrr. help slay each other's monsters & help hold the lantern for each other. take the night time watch while one of us naps before the morning onslaught. chip away at mildew, at pests, at cancerous growths. because we're all gross inside, who ever said your gross is worse than mine. nobody that's who.

feeling inhibited and pushy and helpless

also being at home makes me gain weight ughhh

developing my chops

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“A good head and good heart are always a formidable combination. But when you add to that a literate tongue or pen, then you have something very special.” Nelson Mandela

"I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it.Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good, either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be." Roald Dahl

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." MLKjr

"The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger is met." Frederick Buechner

"I tell my students, 'When you get these jobs that you  have been so brilliantly trained for, just remember that your real job is that if you are free, you need to free somebody else. If you have some power, then your job is to empower somebody else. This is not just a grab-bag candy game." Toni Morrison

yesterday at the conferencia, prof said that he sees my trajectory, and he hears my chops developing. he said i should own it, and that i can't say that know what i am doing -- because the thing is, i do know what i'm doing. thanks prof, for believing in me. and because i am gangly and awkward as i grow into activism, here are questions that i am working on being able to eloquently verbalize; inciting people to action is like an acting job.

why are we, the most information savvy generation, also the most politically inarticulate and ignorant generation? why do we consume information being thrown at us in such a greedy, desperate, and uncritical manner? where is our filter? why do we assume things to be truth? why are our hearts so numb and difficult to incite to action? what creates the strange, foggy disconnect between knowledge and action? between individual action and collective action?

the prison system is eerily and disgustingly reminiscent of the horrific system that was "prohibited" in 1865; we can feel the echoes of entrenched historical infrastructures and ideologies looming over our shoulders, disguised and advertised differently - simultaneously more banaly, more insidiously.

let us aggressively and intentionally challenge the ways we think as we dream change, demand change, and make change. [let us be critically examining what change we envision to be the ideal - does the projected ideal coincide with God's heart for justice (restorative and punitive) on an individual and societal level?] i shudder to think of how shameful it would be if future generations look back to see us not only in our ignorance and inaction but in our uncritical albeit eager floundering. let us be people of dogged perseverance, creative fire, and unquenchable hope, and critically sober thoughts.

sidenotes;
intrepid, tireless, resolute

praise: thank you God, for having mom & n.hsieh call me after 5ish hours of sleep so that i can study. thank you for being my personal alarm clock, because everyone knows i can't wake up to my alarms.

buckling down / zeal

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On the day I needed You, I called, and You responded

    and infused my soul with strength. Psalm 138:3

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

I delight greatly in the Lord;
    my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
    and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. Isaiah 61:10

i find myself mentally buckling down for what's going to be a long journey (with an initiation rite of sorts, filled with uncomfortable and merciless and inevitable growth pains) of transitioning into an adult relationships with the hardest people (person) in my life. this i do with fluctuating reactions: a gritting of teeth, a weary and accepting sigh, a leary tensing in my chest. humility, doggedness, resilience, bold defiance to sin and apathy. a bold defiance that i must step into timidly like a stranger's jacket. brace for impact, steel myself. i liken the image of "steeling myself" with wolverine, and the infusing of adamantium into his skeleton, with an unbelievable amount of pain that i am blindly and weakly bracing myself for. if only i was as cool as wolverine lol. i am grateful that he makes me bold - that in his mysterious fashion, he really truly entirely makes the frame of my body - my heart, my mind, my strength, my soul - characteristic of this curious (non)material that is boldness. i am daughter to a king of lovingkindness and longsuffering gentleness who clothes me in righteousness; how warm, how sweet, how secure is this blessed assurance. oh, my heart, how loved you are!

question; why is "idealistic" entrenched in premeditated connotations of unrealistic, irrational, childish? what marked the shift from a very realistic hope which echoes of paradise to an oppressive, dreary, and disillusioned "realism" of "adults"? why is the word "contagious" and "going viral" rooted in pathological history? is there a positive alternative that denotes inspiration, drive, passion, worthy of emulation, life-giving empowerment, rather than sickness and infliction and death? pondering the language we use in the construction of "adult" and "child" in the imaginative world (of aspirations, ideas, ideals, dreams) as it has been corrupted by sin.

in any case, i have resolved in my heart that i will choose not to be internally apologetic or abashed for my excitement, enthusiasm, idealism. i choose not to allow other people's reactions to me (whether they are taken aback, skeptical, bemused, dismissive, unphased) to dampen my fire. i resolve to be unapologetic in my zeal.

also i had a fairly strange dream last night. it consisted of clumsiness, a wedding, a piercing, fear, a ghost, tears.

words on my heart: risk, imagine, seize, rebel, pioneer, spearhead

sidenotes;
i need to work out
edit// okay i worked out. yayayay
also it's only 11:30pm. i feel like it's 2:30am. wat, pls body, wake up

edit// 4th annual binational conferencia 2013, holla student activism!

adulthood

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nobody warned me exactly what would make transitioning into adulthood so difficult. so many growing pains. thanks life. tell me what's redemptive in this, because i can see very little and i'm at a loss. my palms are empty, they have nothing immediately concrete to grasp onto. all i've got is an empty and hungry, desperation-fueled hope in the pit of my stomach as i double over to catch my breath. run this race, he says - don't be afraid, he says - i have overcome, he says. i am feeling increasingly bewildered that stories of similar struggle braved by people older than me have yet to come to my attention. indignant even, maybe. why is everyone silent?

the gospel's meaning needs to be ever increasing in my life

sidenotes;
three rainy fridays in a row. i am loved by the king.
also daaaangit, the coming two weeks are gonna freaking suck

sanctuary thanks

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But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. James 3:17-18

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness...For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Peter 1:5-8

Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. James 4:8a

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

i am thankful for a God who orchestrates every detail in my life, who sings victory over me as he does so. and i am thankful for the vision he gave me that allows me to trace His goodness in my life, to see this divine orchestration.

i am thankful for his sustaining grace in the midst of difficulty, and that he uses suffering to break, mold, build, strengthen, prune, and sanctify us. growing pains. i am thankful he gives and takes - that when he gifts, i have tangible signs of he who is sweet and perfect, and when he takes, he proves himself through intangible signs to be even more sweet and perfect.

i am thankful that he created in me an excitable heart for things like social justice (SAMI) art, exercise, music, healthy food, reading.

i am thankful for words, artfully crafted to liberate all that is in my heart.

i am thankful that his timeless presence is my quiet and safe sanctuary. that in desperation and helplessness, i may unceremoniously and boldly cast every burden & crucify every sin at the nailed feet of his son who rose from death on a cross for me.

i am thankful for e, whose actions are characterized by tenderness, earnestness, humility; whose presence in my life spurs, liberates, challenges, and emboldens me; thankful that e is a compassionate and courageous peacemaker who wrestles with impossible situations without running away, who is eagerly learning to unadulteratedly lean on God while contending in prayer. how i adore and cherish e.

i am thankful for the sisters God has gifted me with - friendships which ebb and flow, diverge and converge, but remain forever sweet, constant, present. like dear sisters l.n, s.lee, c.h, p.f - who have walked with me for 3.5 years (except c.h: 8) and continue to do so as i grapple with new developments. i am thankful that they see to the depths of my heart, and that they allow me to see the depths of theirs - and that we brave dark scary places together. and my sisters s.lo, m.l, c.c - who are forever dear to my heart.

i am thankful for my siblings, who see past the depths of my heart and see the grime as clearly as daylight and yet still, love me. thankful for their derpy presences that buffer my heart from the full impact of pain.

i am thankful for the following locations which have been engraved onto my heart: philadelphia, irvine, berkeley, san francisco.

sidenotes;
uhghguhgug god is so good to me

in, on, through

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Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:2-5

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

He loves me. He hears me. He works good for me.
this i will drill into my brain as i press in. press on. press through.
this i will tattoo onto my heart as He holds it together, as it bleeds into His hands.
this i will sing over my limbs like a soothing ointment, as they tremble and cry for relief.
this i will shout to my feet, as they bear the pounding weight of my body in this race, as they brave the unpaved and uncharted and hostile territories.

sidenotes;
today was really hard. but it started with sweet and ended with sweet. and so i am grateful for so many things! thank you, God, for loving me, through so many ways.

edit// this weekend was so hard. feeling vulnerable, tired, fragile, needy, leary, like a cornered animal
to love, to suffer
and in all things to glorify Him

inhale, exhale / gangly deer

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i want to breathe in his grace, to bathe in the sweet fragrance of his love for me until the blood which sustains my every muscle is gratitude. until the veins that transport this gratitude is fortified conviction. i want ever deeper roots in the caverns of my heart, roots which will crowd out the cancers of pride and entitlement and self-righteousness. i am his house, and in his presence i will dwell, i will rest, i will wait. i want to exhale all which heals, lifts, soothes, empowers. and one day he will declare the sum of me to be perfect and whole, when i stand in his presence, in his house. i look forward to when i am in his courts. until then i will inhale, i will exhale.

this is a new sweet crazy. no longer like amnesia, more like a surreal dream that is life which surreptitiously and arbitrarily and mischievously offers all kinds of both gifts and broken things. thank you, god, for being the giver of all good things. my bones are strengthening, my heart is becoming eager, my hands are open. may this be my forever posture before a god who did not protect his son from suffering.

sept 2013: baby deer

sidenotes;

nutella hot chocolate on this chilly wednesday afternoon, after sitting in the sun and sharing in silly conversation with e
also i am grateful for mentors who challenge me to grow. because challenge accepted.

q; what's the use of being super sensitive if people around me are not? ugh dumb. feeling dismissed and unvalidated in, what i am presently calling, my "useless" sensitivity. only hurting myself. pls, so dumb. also i'm going to read this later and not even remember what happened, so, lol.

learning to dream part iv

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Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

i started this series during a season in which i was "learning to dream" in a liberated manner that sidestepped the realm of idolatry, heartsickness, and disappointment: i envisioned the future, listened to my heart's desires, allowed my imagination to have free reign, and in all these things, i acknowledged god as sovereign lord over my dreams, my desires, my future. i have seen how good he is in orchestrating everything in my life, how tender he is in showing me how he pursues and loves me as he molds my desires & prunes me so that i may bear much fruit. with that said, here's a snapshot of my dreams now.

i dream of a girls revival conference for sexual redemption and purity. also a conference addressing mother-daughter relationships. i dream to see a nationwide revival regarding christians in their understanding of a holistic gospel that calls us to be socially aware, to be community oriented, to have neighborhood theology, to be justice and mercy-minded, to be relentlessly seeking creative ways in which god may want to restore brokenness and right the injustices in our immediate sphere of influence. i dream of seeing SAMI branches across california. i dream of a campus-wide social justice night for christians this year. i dream of seeing social justice programs incorporated into high school curriculum. i dream that one day, in my lifetime, i will see massive upheaval in the prison system. on the scale of the civil rights movement.

i dream of going to berkeley for a summer internship, & eventually going to berkeley for grad school. i dream of meeting angela davis, ruthie wilson gilmore, and michelle alexander.

i dream of rescuing two dogs. also adopting foster children. i dream of starting a stationery business when i'm done with my degrees, and of writing novels in my free time. i dream of getting a sony nex7, and/or a canon 5d mark ii or a canon 7d. i aspire to become good at bouldering. and to get a roadbike, and run a half marathon.

i dream of seeing younger girls become admirable and driven women of god who will in turn invest in other ladies, be life-giving encouragers, be blessings for brothers, and be missions-minded servants/leaders in their respective spheres of influence.

april 2012 part iii
nov 2011 part ii
feb 2011 part i

sidenotes;
blessed
loved

p.s. tonight: coffee, ice cream, pineapples, pesto pasta (aka any food to keep me occupied). gonna be a long night. midterms make me fat
edit// thurs 5:30am; third all nighter in the past two weeks. not sure how i'm still alive, but i'm alive & my brain is functioning strangely well. why am i most productive from 4-6am. dumb. also god is so good to me, because i will finish this essay on time and class is cancelled tomorrow and yessssss

also woah, so many people getting into relationships. so trippy and surreal, pls

i must be really super non-impressionable lol, because people i work with never remember who i am. welp wallflower forever

the wallflower who was not

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"there were several ways it could have gone. she might have visited everyday, and i could have been the one who knew her go-to drink. maybe she might have had different drinks depending on her mood, or the weather, or the day of the week. or maybe she might have disappeared for a year, gone traveling and come back a profoundly different person. to meet me, a mildly different person.

as it were, i only saw her twice more in that year, and both times i was in the back restocking materials, like i was doing presently. i entertained the possibility that she actually did frequent the cafe and it was just by chance that i wasn't working that day. that fate was mischievously dealing me unfavorable cards.

in any case, i decided she was intriguing in my mind, i gave her free reign, this unremarkable girl in mahogany rimmed glasses. so as i contented myself with not knowing, there she was, standing in line cradling her books while surveying the menu. nothing in particular was going through my mind when i determined to ask her name.

some severe case of tunnel vision handicapped my senses because there is a deplorable gap in my conscious memory between holding a bag of coffee beans in the back room to standing at the cash register.

'hi, what can i get for you?'
'just an iced coffee please'
'and your name?' the anticipation, the unwarranted joy-
she gave me a bemused and quizzical look as she opened her mouth, paused, pursed her lips. 'you were in my architecture class last semester. my name is' my brain malfunctioned, and i don't remember the name she said afterwards, even as i wrote it onto the plastic cup. she was perhaps an angel who dragged my fantasy to meet reality in a discordant and dissonant collision, an angel who was now walking out of the cafe with iced coffee in hand. maybe it was the sleep deprivation from late nights in the studio, or maybe the intoxicating scent of coffee beans, because i felt intrigue rush through my veins with an anticipatory and impatient pulse."

sidenotes;
part I
this is a story of objectification, romanticizing fantasies, a boy who doesn't learn his lesson, a nameless girl whose influence goes beyond her awareness, a critique of popular portrayals of romance, a facetious satire. because i've felt objectified; because i have been called unremarkable, because i people watch, because i remember names, because i don't know how boys think, because i often wonder at the inner world of strangers standing beside me. and also because i love cafes.

cities of refuge

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"· Both Jesus and the cities of refuge are within easy reach of the needy person; they were of no use unless someone could get to the place of refuge.
· Both Jesus and the cities of refuge are open to all, not just the Israelite; no one needs to fear that they would be turned away from their place of refuge in their time of need.
· Both Jesus and the cities of refuge became a place where the one in need would live; you didn’t come to a city of refuge in time of need just to look around.
· Both Jesus and the cities of refuge are the only alternative for the one in need; without this specific protection, they will be destroyed.
· Both Jesus and the cities of refuge provide protection only within their boundaries; to go outside means death.
· With both Jesus and the cities of refuge, full freedom comes with the death of the High Priest."
d.guzik

sidenotes;
relearning rest as a radical rebellion to the world's demands for attention, to the flesh's feverish whining that i'm being left behind. relearning rest as a revolutionary, deliberate act of trusting God and allowing him the space to prove himself faithful. i'm blithely amused that rest comes to counterintuitively to us.. 

EDIT// it is friday, and in the spirit of remembering His faithfulness, here is what i have accomplished this week by His sustaining and empowering grace:
-two midterms
-three late nights, one all nighter
-finished stupid bureaucratic online form for prison nation art exhibit
-finished essays for summer internship
-got two of the best ethn professors to say yes to rec letters
-planted my succulents

toxic

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how blinding and toxic and deadening and pitiful is entitlement when it is not cast out from our blood, when it remains all that we understand. when everything we don’t understand is seen through the distorted lens of entitlement, when we become (remain?) diseased slaves to it. when decay ferments inside our hearts and all that comes out of our mouths is complaint and criticism and discontentment. when we unceremoniously dismiss the richness of suffering, and shake our petulant fists at the good God. when jesus becomes an afterthought, second to whatever we have assigned more worthy of our immediate attention. when we declare ourselves too dignified for a posture of helplessness: on our knees, on our faces, hands splayed out, cries wailing out. instead we sit on our thrones and stick our noses in the air, telling everyone we are gods. that we don’t deserve this

sidenotes;
for breakfast i had a coffee banana milkshake & a boiled egg. for lunch i had dill salmon, roasted carrots, & brown sugar carmelized butternut squash. i made some ginger sesame chicken soup for my very sick roommate in the afternoon. & for dinner i had basil hummus, avocado & alfalfa sprouts on buttermilk bread, topped with lemon pepper, lemon olive oil. food makes me happy. tonight i am listening to robin thicke's ancient albums (which are infinitely better than his new ones), while writing essays for my summer internship application. tonight god is sweet to me :) tomorrow is october 31. tomorrow god will be sweet to me, too.

edit// p.s., i am passionate. hire me. pls
/being facetious

also it is 2am, and i am wide awake. this must be a God thing.
it is now 6am, and i am going to bed.

knots

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there are knots in my shoulders and knots in my heart. it is raining and the sound is cathartic and urgent as it spills onto our overhanging and onto the cobblestone underneath. because the knots in my heart are untangling themselves, and the increasingly awful grating sound it makes with each successive untangling serves as an emotional filter for the sounds i hear. the rain is agitated and restless, angry and irregular. labored release of great tension inside leaves me weak and tired, like the sound of retreating rain postponing its parting because it doesn't know how to bow out gracefully. doesn't know how to end this conversation. awkward. like a reluctant afterthought, cold leftovers on the kitchen counter, last-ditch decompression, or lethargic and noncommittal echoes of my dis-empowering hindsight

blessed rest, happy rest, i am on my way

sidenotes;
also this post had very little meaning, except for the vague mood i wanted to convey at 3am in the morning. /being a melodramatic and sleep deprived writer
i am so blessed. like sweet rain on my heart, a resolute hand on my back
this week is full of ridiculous shenanigans. like bureaucratic and distant adults in the university system. also sleep deprivation

two-way disclosure

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thoughts on the phrase "meeting people where they are" triggered by my way of relating to/engaging with/connecting with older and younger people (whether in age or in multidimensional/dynamic stage of faith):

why is it supremely unsatisfying for me to be excluded from the struggles of people i admire? why does it feel unbalanced and unequal, and why does it feel like a snub on my greatest heart desire to pour support into others? how do we navigate the dynamics of healthy amounts of two-way disclosure? considering that my capacities and limitations are uniquely my own and not to be unfairly projected upon anyone else because no one is a self-appointed measuring stick of comparison; that for some reason i crave the deep and cringe to brave the shallows; that i have great capacity and endurance to maintain a posture of intensive introspection because that is where i flourish; that i crave to love and be loved -

how can i calculate our relative social roles (teacher, student, friend, etc) and its ensuing expectations, whether implicitly internalized or explicitly taboo? how do i conduct myself with others so that i may be life giving? how can i be unabashedly and fearlessly me? how can i embrace the capacities and limitations of others, and enable them to simultaneously embolden them to rest in their capacities and challenge their limitations? how can i empower those younger with the opportunity to love on me? how can i urge those older to give me the privilege to love them? how do i have healthy balance of how much i allow my thoughts to dwell on someone's possible reaction to my holistic personhood? my intentions are wholly my responsibility; does my sensitivity to others and their present state expand my scope of responsibility - at least, in how much i am aware of how i may be unintentionally manipulating someone, or soliciting unwelcome responses?

pondering inner posture dynamics of giving of myself (sharing my passions, my experiences, my perspectives) vs. restraining so that i may be able to absorb that which someone else is giving of themselves. pondering that in the latter dynamic, i am also arguably in a posture of giving, especially if i consider the material result of feeling noticeably drained and yet semi-consciously fulfilled and empowered. i "give" when i actively receive and absorb. although slightly an exaggeration, but do i then conversely risk "taking" from others when i give of myself?

engaging with other individuals is a fluid and dynamic and mysterious process, and just lol

sidenotes;
i am shamelessly verbose and speak in fragments and run-ons
i have so many thoughts pestering my brain; what a relief it is to heart vomit it out so i can detach myself and see the bigger picture :9

on another note, i can't believe god has called me to be an activist in this season. this, i gladly and eagerly step into and pour all that i am into it. thank you, god. i love you!

new vocab

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words i would like to tell my younger self regarding relationships lol:

-be deliberate, be intentional [full of intent, full of dedication to the vision], choose to [verb], accept responsibility,
-be attentive to fruit, observe growth, point out growth, nourish growth,
-enable, spur, build,
-honor, trust, communicate,
-enjoy, delight, adore, cherish, treasure
-let life, pursue healthiness, be a student of tenderness, love well, receive well, flourish, enrich others, bless, be blessed

sidenotes;

learning as i go. the "end of history" illusion is so trippy because reading my older posts is kind of super embarrassing ughhh

i'm so annoying, omq
jan 2013: relationships

march 2010: sweeter song
this is my 300th post, lol

alienating

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how disorienting is our human condition, when the petulant demands of our brokenness crowds out and saturates our senses. when our unique experiences of pain and suffering and grief alienates us from all other company which, once a welcome presence, becomes a reminder that no one is capable of perfectly entering into and sharing of our pain. equally disorienting and disabling is to witness the surfacing of others' brokenness, and feeling every fiber straining and vein aching and muscle tensing with unfulfilled desire to alleviate their heaviness. because we can walk alongside each other, but ultimately everyone has personalized monsters in a personalized forest to identify, brave, and conquer. desperate praises to He who is King and Victor, who determines suffering to be a worthy and necessary process in His relentless construction and restoration of holiness in us. praise to Him who declares that out of suffering is the fruit of resilience, tenderness, and joy.

sidenotes;
meep, exercising discretion in who i share my joy and conversely, my sorrow with, considering the present state of the person. pondering the dynamic of sharing joy and accidentally eliciting jealousy which, from my understanding, is a gut response indicative of deeper contentment issues of which i hold no responsibility.

reminders to self

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1) remember his faithfulness
2) breathe
3) determine to jealously guard your time of rest
4) inhale his grace
5) let people love on you
6) twenty four hours are unfortunately shorter than your perception lets on
7) take precautions when your spirit is running on low and people become more so unwelcome energy leeches than they are people to love on

8) be attentive to resurfacing cries of need because it is october and it is that time of year

sidenotes;

meep
i am rather enjoying the multidimensional, overlapping, intersecting, interwoven, and very dynamic nature of this season of life although i am sick & in need of sleep. i'm seeing how god has carefully (and unexpectedly) expanded my energy reserves so that i may be able to maintain shallow conversations for longer and maintain prolonged doses of people interaction. i'm seeing that god has audaciously emboldened me to take initiative in building my network; i'm seeing that this whole thing is a two way process, and that precisely because god provides and enables and sustains, i must likewise respond by receiving and acting.