give grace

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this weekend i listened to a cacophony of frogs as i tossed & turned in a crowded tent; i also suspect that there was a half squished bee underneath where my pillow was. i jumped at the sight of anything resembling a spider and stifled gags when i had to step into the state park's restroom. i watched the girls faithfully do their makeup routine in the morning & at night, feeling that familiar clamor of confusion poking at me, starting with the question, "what's wrong with me?" & ending with the revisiting conclusion of psalm 139. i read wonderfully mind-blowing excerpts from a.w. tozer's "pursuit of god" (i'm so excited to read it in its full!!), made an improvised version of a strawberry muddle smoothie, and was amazed to see that my bangs were intact in the morning after a day of not showering. i also witnessed a diverse array of fears and watched as the leaders displayed a heartwarming effort to remain together. i ate the most delicious salmon sandwich i have ever had and laughed until my abs hurt at one of the guys' korean dad impression. i stopped by thousand oaks (land of my discipler!) & ate korean bbq in ktown (land of my roomie!). i was visited by one of my migraines that grew increasingly worse as i watched people get disgruntled, myself included (no doubt a result of exhaustion); the kbbq place with neon spotlights and loud kpop did not help, although i did have a nice bewildered laugh to myself when i met two girls in the restroom dressed in club attire who complimented my dusty sneakers and asked if i spoke english when i didn't answer 'cause i didn't know they were talking to me.

if there's anything i've learned this weekend, it's that we sorely need to show each other grace. we are each of us bundles of insecurities and limited patience. how swift are we to cry injustice & demand grace while righteously stabbing our pointing finger into the air, & yet how slow are we to dispense it freely to others.

sidenotes;
today my brother asked insightfully, "are you in human hibernation mode?" & my sister asked what they could do to help me recover. they are sweet (: we biked up ridgeline to suicide hill, went to strickland's for milkshake monday, & went to cha for tea (thai tea with soy milk & no sugar mm!) i also discovered that cha for tea uses fructose. boo. ): no more cha for me.

summer

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i've sneezed at least ten times and visited the bathroom six times in the past few hours since coming to the library to blow my nose because allergies are no bueno. other than that though, i love sitting here, writing my king lear essay while i drink my peach white tea & discreetly people watch. there's a kid running around carrying piles of picture books; he sits in the middle of nowhere, reads one outloud, ("i don wannit in a house, i dun wannit ina car" -green eggs & ham) & then promptly scurries to another location to read another book. there's a cute elderly couple reading chinese newspapers next to me and a few hours ago, there was a pretty lady who surprised me with her response when i asked her if anyone was sitting here: "nobody, you are!"

i love summer 'cause i don't have to wake up at ungodly hours. i get to make breakfast with my brother (bread with eggs, green bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, & ham with a orange, grapefruit, & mango smoothie) and bake strawberry shortcake cookies with my siblings and make spring rolls for the first time. i get to take a photoshoot of my carenotes with adorable tiny easels i bought from michael's. i get to meet up with friends and read for fun and paint a blackberry with acrylics on tiny 5x6 canvas.

summer is great ((:

reflection

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Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7

perhaps the way i see the world is not anything objectively conclusive about the world. 'cause maybe it is instead, an unintentionally frank and telling reflection of everything inside. & if that's the case, how blithely do we sometimes throw ourselves at the world as we chatter all day. maybe sometimes we should listen to ourselves talk.

the silence came from mutual consent but i donno why it makes me so sad because sometimes in the silence i twiddle my thumbs and feel idleness give birth to anger. and then i wanna run away but i have nowhere to go but forward. in silence there is nothingness and the meaning i so desperately grasp at in the nothingness is just imagined. so i guess, all this is to say that sometimes i struggle against imagined chains wanting imagined sources of satisfaction only to realize in brief moments of blessed light that the struggling reflects dissatisfaction. & then i am content to stop struggling. God is good to me. ((:

bum bum bum

sidenote;
strawberry shortcake cookies! (:
i can't wait to cook & make care packages next year hehe

marred

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they look like ugly red cancerous bruises and i know they're not but i hate them anyways.

jonah / sleepers

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"they are unsatisfied in their million dollar houses.

the extent to which trials and tribulations touches their lives is in thirteen year old dogs that take up space, and inconsiderate roommates. they do church. it adds a pretty frame on their life resume. they don’t know, don’t need, don’t care. i’m not sure what mirror they look into, because somehow they see no wounds. everything is empty and they love it. they are so satisfied in their million dollar houses.

how do you speak truth when they are deaf? when they have their own. how do i speak truth when i feel my throat constricted by sadness and anger.

wake up, sleepers. you break my heart."

i am petulant. i am jonah, shaking my fist and raging at the world. in my squeaky little roar.

dig deep. take root.

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. Psalm 103:8

It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners. Mark 2:17

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1

exorbitant

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we had an interesting discussion at college fellowship on sunday, & here are my following thoughts (:

in light of the college christian culture--all the books on christian relationships, all the ambiguous talk about the necessity of boundaries, the subversion underlying "brother/sister-in-christ" as we use this label to justify closeness, & the pervasive pressure to find a christian spouse--i can't help but feel sometimes that we are dangerously close to becoming like a meat market.

but before we as a culture can address practical "how-to's" in interacting with the opposite gender in a healthy & God-honoring way, i feel like it's necessary to take a step back & consider our attitude in light of what kind of people God has called us to be: holy, set-apart, above reproach, blameless; edifiers, Christ-emulators.

ask yourself whether you would be doing so if that person were married. ask yourself whether you can stand before God and say with confidence, "i treated this person with utmost purity, in every aspect." ask yourself whether your words/actions are edifying--meaning, they point the person towards christ and do not draw attention back to yourself. because that's the nature of sin: it makes us self-obsessed attention whores, clamoring for godship as we idiomatically bite off more than we can chew.

is someone else's pain brought about by careless words/unclear boundaries a price worth paying for a week, a month of your personal gratification? for the measly knowledge that someone is interested in you because you are oh-so-charming? what an exorbitant price to pay for so cheap quality a thrill. where is the harm in some fun? i dunno. you tell me.



sidenotes;
i love making grocery runs with my siblings & buying fruit to make smoothies.
i love taking pictures of my beautiful sisters at church!
i love that my two childhood friends are inching towards Him.
i love that my summer school classes are easy & enjoyable (:
i love that i love thinking & writing
i love summer hehehehehehe

fight it all with truth

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i am haunted by hindsight as it mercifully (cruelly?) peels off the scales covering my eyes. He has placed a crown on my head and i keep trying to cheapen it, tear it off & spit on it as i feverishly slap on ugly blue "Hello, I am" labels as if they were bandages sufficient enough to cover the dirt i remember having on my hands. but He embraces me and says, "be still. cease striving. quiet."

& these are the verses that chase away the darkness:

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. 1 John 4:8

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.” Mark 8:34-35

My soul waits for the Lord

more than watchmen wait for the morning,

more than watchmen wait for the morning. Psalm 130:6

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry. "Abba, Father." Romans 8:15

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. Psalm 46:10

He is good to me. (:

sidenotes;

wuah spider ambush few moments ago. made me cry lol D: laughing at the ridiculousness of it all, sigh
somehow spiders don't bother our home all year long when i'm away at college but the moment i come home, they return. this means war. D:<
i have exactly 100 days before school starts again. LET'S DO THIS

held together

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so easily torn apart. all the rhythms of my everyday life--the voice of my roommate webcamming, the strange conversations i overhear at price center where i seek refuge in the white noise, the quietness of my room and the loudness of my thoughts. today i felt overriding panic that threw everything into stark relief as i heard the voice of reason--of pride?--chastising me while tears i did not know i had left salty streaks on my cheeks. i am so easily torn apart and yet somehow, He holds me together. show me mercy, for i am flighty, i am prone to wander.

fear can either inspire me to action or paralyze me into inaction. who is it that i fear?

sidenotes;
i've learned so much in twelve months' time, i'm speechless.
i want out, i want home. somehow i will.

a love both fierce & gentle

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"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:35

"But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Psalm 86:15

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18

"For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." 2 Corinthians 4:5-7

“Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God is of a different nature altogether. It does not hate tragedy. It never denies reality. It stands in the very teeth of suffering. The love of God did not protect His own Son. The was the proof of His love – that He gave that Son, that He let Him to Calvary’s cross, though 'legions of angels' might have rescued Him. He will not necessarily protect us- not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process.”   Elisabeth Elliot


“To ask that God’s love should be content with us as we are is to ask that God should cease to be God: because He is what He is, His love must, in the nature of things, be impeded and repelled by certain stains in our present character, and because He already loves us He must labour to make us lovable. We cannot wish, in our better moments, that He could reconcile Himself to our present impurities—no more than the beggar maid could wish that King Cophetua should be content with her rags and dirt.” -C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

the standard & goal of His love is holiness. He will stop at nothing. how fiercely our heavenly father loves, & yet how gentle & patient He is!
let everything that i am cause people's gazes to be drawn irresistibly upwards.

sidenotes;

home home home home home

heart of glass

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"Even if it were granted that insurances against heartbreak were our highest wisdom, does God Himself offer them? Apparently not. Christ comes at last to say 'Why hast thou forsaken me?' ... There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. t will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell...

"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If your hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it...

"But the question whether we are loving God or the earthly Beloved 'more' is not, so far as concerns our Christian duty, a question about the comparative intensity of two feelings. The real question is, which (when the alternative comes) do you serve, or choose, to put first? To which claim does your will, in the last resort, yield?" -C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

sidenotes;

c.s. lewis is so brilliant

pocket watch

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"'Can you fix it?'

She stood just past the threshold of the shop, her fingers fiddling possessively with a small bronze pocket watch. Smells of all welcoming sorts enveloped her like a coaxing hug: lacquered wood, loose leaf tea, and a hint of rosemary olive oil bread that lingered in the distance.

'Only if you want me to.'

He didn't turn around, preoccupied with his work at hand. The gentle noninvasive chorus of ticks and tocks from the walls and walls of clocks filled the sandalwood air with its sweet, calming sound. His response hung in the air and was not met with any sound of acknowledgment. He put down the petite iron hammer with which he had been fixing a dent in a clock gear and turned around to see a little girl awkwardly stretch out her occupied palms. When he motioned to take the bronze pocket watch, like an injured beast, she started and instinctively clenched her tiny fingers around the chain of the soundless piece of metal.

'Do you want me to?'

She stretched our her palm again only to recoil after a moment's hesitation. She pressed the pocket watch against her chest as if she could somehow absorb it and fix it herself.

'Will you let me?'"

[ emotional quarantine ]

sidenotes;
stumbling through the fray

frankenstein

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"it became a thing of glass. one slip of an unaware finger and the sound of echoing tinkles would fill the suffocating air. she couldn't afford to hear the sound of shards striking the ground because the pieces would fly back together again as if nothing happened. it had evolved a mind of its own and mutinously refused to share its secrets with its host as it executed hijacking of the most slick kind, leaving no evidence behind.

sinewy, life sustaining muscle had become a self destructive piece of machinery gone haywire as it turned upon itself with machine-like accuracy.

it was everything but the thing she most desperately wanted it to be: under her control."

sidenotes;
a;lskdfj;asdlfk
losing vision, running on fading memories & tripping into doubt
white noise
static

struggling

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"it felt like an allergic reaction, maybe.

or perhaps it was a cruel trick puppeteered by mischievous sprites.

she frowned and wearily banished the thought from her mind. there were no such things as sprites.

all she knew was that she didn't know anymore. it was foreign, frighteningly so, to be so easily reduced to tears. it was as if her tear ducts were clogged and any stupid trigger could momentarily open the floodgates. her throat would close. all doors shut mockingly in her face. every attempt, thrown aside with devastating ease.

how fitting. the girl with the iron resolve at the mercy of the very thing she had once mocked."

/just a doodle

sidenotes;

i don't know

it was randomly foggy & chilly today even though the weather forecast predicted 70 degrees
thank you, God

dearly loved

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But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

the angry red paper cut reflected in his concerned eyes as she waved her afflicted finger in his face. all the five year old needed was to be held in her father's arms and although her paper cut did not magically disappear, she could rest at ease in the reassuring embrace of a father's love.

this is a shadow of the love our abba father has for us. "you are my dearly loved child," he says with open arms. we needn't hide our tears or flee from the reality that we are fragile, easily bruised, & broken. what five year old daughter hides her tears before her father with the hope that he will see her as a mature woman when in fact she is clearly not? how egotistical & vain it is to cling to the delusion that we are somehow strong, self-sufficient, and immune to the troubles of this world.

a father would not glance dismissively at his crying five year old daughter's plea for comfort. he would not expect her to have a freakish, robotic ability to turn off the tears & shut down the fear and panic in her heart. we are not conveniently custom made with a power switch, and on the same token, neither do we have a pause button. a father wouldn't tell his teary child to cater to his schedule so that he can offer comfort only when he is not busy.

in the same way, our abba father does not look down on our pain and he is never too busy to listen to our prayers. he stepped into the midst of our broken world as Christ incarnate to suffer alongside us to show precisely how much he cares. through Christ's ministry of reconciliation, we can reach God. we can find reassurance from the God of all comfort. we can dwell in a place of quietude and peace.

"The seemingly petty and insignificant matters are a great magnitude to Him because these things are a great magnitude to us."

"Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living... Obedience involves...this warring with worries and regrets, this bringing into captivity our thoughts. We have planted (in our integrity) the banner of our trust in God. The consequences are his responsibility." -Elisabeth Elliot, Passion & Purity

"To come to a pleasure you have not, you must go by a way in which you enjoy not." St. John on the cross

sidenotes;

struggling

learning to dream part iii

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i now have my own sony5n & i love it more than i would a dslr. (: i can speak conversational korean. i have seen so much divine orchestration in many areas of my life, one of which is so fully covered by God's fingerprints that it takes my breath away. i can now run 5k, and i am scheduled for a 5k mud race this coming saturday! i have gotten to know many of the harvest sisters better. there has been hints of faith in my brief correspondences with f.h. & l.c., and i'm excited for where that will take us.

i want to take photography and sketching classes through ucsd extension. i would still very much like to be a neuroscience/physiology major with a human development minor. i'm curious about studying abroad, at dartmouth or u.k. or korea.

i'd like to open my own stationery business over the summer. i want to train up to a half marathon. i still want a toller & an aussie when i grow up. i dream and pray that people in my life will come before christ in brokenness & full surrender.

i want to go on missions in asia through omf. i'd like to pursue physical therapy or veterinary studies, maybe. i want to learn greek.

i am excited for what He has in store (:

[ learning to dream part ii ]

so it begins

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After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10 

thought#1; it wasn't urine but blood that i saw. the fight-or-flight response kicked in, and i chose flight. i smothered the fear that i would further aggravate my body and i ran, accompanied by the morbidly amused thought: "my body is deteriorating. i'm only 18. my body is deteriorating."

thought#2; "do you even love me?" she implied. and there i was, pointing the finger of blame, playing the victim card, hypocritically groping for justification as i sat firmly in the stifling pit of my sin. i was an easy target for satan, who had been grasping the many footholds with greedy hands, unnoticed until now.

thought#3; we forgive and love out of the overflow, and encounters with the real & holy God cause fear & trembling in the broken creations that we are. "maybe He doesn't even know me," i thought as i labelled myself "callused beyond repair." i was almost there. just a few more days, just a little shove, & i might have been lost.

thought#4; it was that night that i saw a glimpse of His holiness through the shards of this broken jar. i am strangely, nonsensically, inexplicably loved by a Holy Creator who did not see fit to leave me at the mercy of my sin in this warring world. it was a messy way to end messy years but the time has come for new things. everything fades away into bland discolor in the face of His vibrant, unbearable, & holy glory.

"Steadfastness, that is holding on;

patience, that is holding back;

expectancy, that is holding the face up;

obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do;

listening, that is holding quiet and still as to hear."
-S.D. Gordon

And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Galatians 5:24

& so it beings!

on the heart part ii

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“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”   C.S. Lewis

“If you want to feel deeply, you have to think deeply. Too often we separate the two. We assume that if we want to feel deeply, then we need to sit around and, well, feel. But emotion built on emotion is empty. True emotion--emotion that is reliable and does not lead us astray--is always a response to reality, to truth.” Joshua Harris

“Love always involves responsibility, and love always involves sacrifice. And we do not really love Christ unless we are prepared to face His task and to take up His Cross.”   William Barclay

“Faith is not only a commitment to the promises of Christ; faith is also a commitment to the demands of Christ.”  William Barclay

“To love God is to love His will. It is to wait quietly for life to be measured by One who knows us through and through. It is to be content with His timing and His wise appointment.”   Elisabeth Elliot

"When God asks a man to do something, methods, means, materials, and specific directions are always provided. The man has one thing to do: obey." Elisabeth Elliot

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay own his life for his friends." John 15:7-13

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. 
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. 
I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. 
I have set the Lord always before me. 
Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:5-8


"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. 
Commit your way to the  Lord; trust in him and he will do this: 
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. 
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him..." Psalm 37:3-7

sidenotes;

You overflow my cup with joy (:
You draw me near at the foot of the cross, at your throne of grace
& i will sit at Your feet.

i have never cried this much in the short duration of a week.
i can now say to my consternation that for the first time of my college career, i have woken ten minutes into a final omg. i have never been so grateful for my roommate’s distinctively cute voice as i am now.
i impulse bought a a 0.20mm micron pen & a watercolor moleskine for my personal psalms hehe
i thank God for humbling me, for showing me grace, for sustaining me with His strength, for providing me with support from my sisters in christ & siblings, & reminding me that He is Lord over everything: including my emotions & grades.
i can’t wait to drink a matcha green tea latte from milk&honey mmMMm!
i love the smell of coffee. i am overjoyed being in coffee shops/cafes (:
i am a mess but God is truly so very good to me! (((:


[ on the heart part i ] 

in repentance & rest

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"A life in Christ is a life of restfulness. There may be no ecstasy of feeling, but there should be an abiding, peaceful trust. Your hope is not in yourself; it is in Christ. Your weakness is united to His strength, your ignorance to His wisdom, your frailty to His enduring might. So you are not to look to yourself, not to let the mind dwell upon self, but look to Christ. Let the mind dwell upon His love, upon the beauty, the perfection, of His character. Christ in His self-denial, Christ in His humiliation, Christ in His purity and holiness, Christ in His matchless love--this is the subject for the soul's contemplation. It is by loving Him, copying Him, depending wholly upon Him, that you are to be transformed into His likeness.  Jesus says, 'Abide in Me.' These words convey the idea of rest, stability, confidence...The heart that rests most fully upon Christ will be most earnest and active in labor for Him...

"When the mind dwells upon self, it is turned away from Christ, the source of strength and life. Hence it is Satan's constant effort to keep the attention diverted from the Saviour and thus prevent the union and communion of the soul with Christ. The pleasures of the world, life's cares and perplexities and sorrows, the faults of others, or your own faults and imperfections--to any or all of these he will seek to divert the mind. Do not be misled by his devices. Many who are really conscientious, and who desire to live for God, he too often leads to dwell upon their own faults and weaknesses, and thus by separating them from Christ he hopes to gain the victory. We should not make self the center and indulge anxiety and fear as to whether we shall be saved. All this turns the soul away from the Source of our strength. Commit the keeping of your soul to God, and trust in Him." - source

beloved

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“Mary walked in during the middle of dinner with a pound of pure nard, a perfume worth at least a year’s wages. Then she ‘wasted’ that expensive perfume by pouring it on the feet of Jesus. Next she let down her hair and wiped the feet of the Lord with her hair (John 12:1-3).


“This was an extraordinary act. It was also an improper act. Mary interrupted the dinner, she approached a male guest, she let down her hair in the manner of an immoral woman, and she did the work of a slave. what led her to humble herself and transgress the bounds of propriety? What led her to such an extravangant waste?


“It was this: she recognized the greatness of Jesus, and she knew that he was worthy of all of the extravagance she could lavish on him. He was worthy of the deepest humiliation she could suffer on his behalf. Mary was driven by a holy passion for the Son of God. She wasted that perfume on Jesus, and she would waste her entire life on him if he would give her the opportunity. The gift was extravagant, but the gift only reflected the extravagance of her feelings for Christ.”

-Surprised by the Power of the Spirit, Jack Deere

agape steps down

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compassion is forgoing the lofty perception that only our self-righteous scale can determine a pain's worthiness. it is realizing that what someone else deems significant in their life is therefore very much so. compassion is anything but looking down on someone else's suffering. agape does not look down to love. agape steps down to love. we don't love people because we are moved by sympathy to sacrifice our time to help "lower beings" who have experienced lesser things; we love people because they are equals and because pain is pain.

The King will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:7


"You're altogether lovely
All together worthy,
All together wonderful to me"
Here I am to Worship, Christ Tomlin

thank You for your radical, all-consuming, transforming love

sidenotes;
(:
it's one thing to know the passing knowledge that God is faithful. it's another thing to experience His faithfulness firsthand. God is so good to me ahh a;lsdkf

on the heart

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“A man must at times be hard as nails: willing to face up to the truth about himself, and about the woman he loves, refusing compromise when compromise is wrong. But he must also be tender. No weapon will breach the armor of a woman's resentment like tenderness.” Elisabeth Elliot

“Falling in love in a Christian way is to say, 'I am excited about your future and I want to be part of getting you there. I'm signing up for the journey with you. Would you sign up for the journey to my true self with me? It's going to be hard but I want to get there.”  Tim Keller

"They say there is a young lady in New Haven who is beloved of that almighty Being, who made and rules the world, and that there are certain seasons in which this great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight, and that she hardly cares for anything, except to meditate on him—that she expects after a while to be received up where he is, to be raised up out of the world and caught up into heaven; being assured that he loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from him always. There she is to dwell with him, and to be ravished with his love and delight forever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a strange sweetness in her mind, and singular purity in her affections; is most just and conscientious in all her actions; and you could not persuade her to do anything wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness and universal benevolence of mind; especially after those seasons in which this great God has manifested himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about from place to place, singing sweetly; and seems to be always of joy and pleasure; and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, and to wander in the fields and on the mountains, and seems to have someone invisible always conversing with her." Jonathan Edwards, on Sarah Pierpont (his future wife)

"Agape describes a different kind of love. It is as much a matter of the mind than the heart, because it chooses to love the undeserving. Agape is not simply an emotion which rises unbidden in our hearts; it is a principle by which we deliberately live." William Barclay

Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth. Psalm 31:5

I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart. I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O Lord. I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly. Psalm 40:8-10

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

sidenote;
late night bike to beach & run on the beach (:
1.18.12 bouldering (:
1.22 vhold!

the harvest is now

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"The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field." Matthew 9:37-38

-U.S. = 4.48% of the world population
-only 4.6% (333) of the class of 2010 entering seminary students (7259) plan to commit to foreign missions
-of 15000 people groups, ~5885 people groups AKA 2.75 billion people are unreached

isn't the great commission directed towards all followers?
why are there so few workers?

my mind can’t wrap itself around the deplorable discrepancy between the need & the amount of workers.

if such an overwhelming percentage of the world doesn't even know that there is a Jesus to believe in, who am we to presume that we can have the audacity to say "wait, God. let me finish my degree. let me get married. let me get a job. and then i'll go when i feel ready & when i've lived my life." we don't have that luxury.

God doesn't need our help. & yet he graciously offers us the opportunity to participate in His kingdom plain; what foolishness has possessed us to pass up that opportunity? christians are daily passing up the opportunity to serve on the winning team. that's like everyday civilians saying "no thanks, i see more value playing in my cramped backyard" after being offered a chance to play on the winning team on the next superbowl.

furthermore, what a heartbreaking insult it must be to God when He says, "i have a mission for you. i'll provide 100% of the strength & means necessary, and i promise you joy & fulfillment" to which we respond with a miserable, "i don't know if i can do it... what if i fail? i honestly prefer slaving away at my fruitless job right now." i can only imagine how saddened God is by our continual rejection caused by stupid misunderstandings of His character. in any case though, God is omnipotent and His kingdom will be accomplished on earth no matter what.

"...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20

sidenote;
[ the Joshua Project: 10/40 window ]
[ Operation World ]
baby steps:
i had a conversation with mother without raising my voice
i messaged him
k God. let's do this

learning to dream part ii

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how fickle is my heart, & how unchanging is our heavenly father!

i want to learn conversational italian & japanese. i want to learn greek so that i can study the new testament. i still wanna learn how to make petite gateaux & latte art. i want a nikon dslr; i wanna take the intro to photography class at SD for my area of focus req.

i wanna major in physiology/neuroscience and minor in human development & possibly teaching. i want to teach physio/neuro to high school students. i want to take interior design classes & open my own cafe, my own photography business, & my own stationery business.

i want a toller and an aussie.

i wanna travel the world with my husband to minister to broken people. i want to sponsor kids through compassion international, and then i want to meet them in person.

i want a roadbike. i want to run a half marathon.

i yearn to be available for when two people from high school encounter life difficulties, become broken, & seek hope, truth, and healing. i yearn to see college friends know christ. i yearn to see my sisters mature in christ. i want a discipler. i wanna get to know the harvest sisters better.

i am excited for how God is gonna fully orchestrate my love story.

i still want to be alive when someone cures cancer... and when someone finds out why deja vu occurs.

i say this with resigned acceptance & an amused smile: God, why are you so unconventional?

things change

perspectives change

dreams change

God doesn't change

God, thank you for letting me dream
thank you for the joy it brings me
you're top priority though:
not that you even need my permission,
but i commit my dreams to you.
you're a God who gives & takes.
do as you see fit, go go go

the me 9 months ago:
[ learning to dream part i ]

sidenote;
i didn't know i had it in me to cry this much

summer questions

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how do i draw the line between being content knowing that God will lead me through each lesson/trial in my life, and being so content that i plateau and disregard the need to actively seek after Him daily?

i worded that awkwardly. :/

how do i ask for forgiveness if i feel like i'm always fighting -- like it's a glitchy default setting of my proud, proud heart to refuse to feel remorse? what am i supposed to do if that room in hallways of my heart has become icy & callused?

if i'm asking these questions, does that mean i'm doubting the power of the holy spirit?

largely rhetorical, but for the sake of my exasperation (& my amusement at myself), imma ask anyways -- why are children so shallow? in fact, why are we so shallow? the other day, a little girl at the park chose another girl to be her partner over me. i automatically assumed it was because the other girl was prettier. and then i mentally slapped myself for being retarded & even thinking that. because sometimes i can be stupid.

furthermore -- why is our culture (primarily american, specifically CA, even more specifically socal)  so fixated upon appearances? because how am i supposed to compete if i'm not into that stuff. good thing i have jesus lol. 'cause beauty becomes wrinkles one day, and then we need to rely on our inner grace and loveliness that comes from jesus christ -- wapow, jesus wins 1-0. bam. KO. 

lovely and empty

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summer is lovely.

my desk is strewn with the blues and greens of my pack rat scrap book treasures. the air smells of sweet peas and fresh market apple, and in the morning i am pleasantly surprised to realize that i'm awake enough to listen to the songbirds serenade each other. i'm spending time with my friends of six years. it's bittersweet to i think about how we've grown--or how we've not grown--how i've become familiar with their quirks and how i'm able to predict their reactions to things (like when an old man barks at youngsters, or when an asian man tries miserably to hit on one of us, or when a saleslady implies that we're blocking the walkway).

that one day, at the playground, i remember how happy i felt when i played with those kids at the park. wonderful children. poor children. i'm going to go there everyday.

i remember feeling my heart skip a few beats, and it scared me. i wondered if my stroke volume had increased yet, after two weeks of running. i wondered irrationally if i had heart problems. i imagined myself in the hospital--and then i laughed. i remember feeling weary triumph, followed by confusion and grief. "if i'm doing the right thing, why does it hurt so much?" i thought. i prayed for healing, because i knew that the only thing preventing that part of my heart from crumbling was my stubbornness. i don't think i'm in denial; he led it with sweet on a winding road to nowhere, broke it with sweet, forgot it with sweet. that's all. i remember thinking, "what the hell is wrong with me?" as i watched my friends excitedly try on jewelry and nail polish at the mall. "why am i so not girly?" i remember hearing my voice harden and splinter as that angry monster raised its ugly head--as if i switched off the self-control button and let petty annoyance and dislike control my body, my actions, my words. since when did autopilot have a life of its own? i don't know. i don't know.

i fill my whiteboard each week with goals, plans, craft ideas, and to-do lists. some tasks disappear and some remain. yet in the midst of my busyness, i seem to have neglected Him. i never forgot--i just schedule it in haphazardly, as if it'll happen without my planning it to. everything takes diligence, effort, persistence, and self-control; i don't know how i failed to apply that to my time with the Father. when did i ever become a celebrity, and jesus a lowly fan? ridiculous. "i'm sleepy. tomorrow morning," i might justify to myself. or, "i promise, i'll spend time after i run." and i overestimate my ability to manage time. time kicks my butt. i wish i had superpowers, sometimes. and that's when i remember that i'm so proud and broken and silly

someone once told me that i need to find my voice. i wonder if i have found it yet.

everything is so lovely and empty and deep
and sweet and bitter, and slow and fast
summer is lovely

i stay up late to write about nothing--about silence
and everything in that silence