dredges

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i have overextended my energy capacities and now find myself choking over the diminishing dredges of my energy reserves. be my rejuvenation. be my rest. meet me here.

in a slightly unnerving but altogether very real way, these lesions on my skin are outward manifestations of lesions on my heart.

2 kings 2 & 3

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"The company of the prophets at Jericho went up to Elisha and asked him, 'Do you know that the Lord is going to take your master from you today?'

'Yes I know...as surely as the Lord lives and as [Elijah lives], I will not leave [him].' So the two of them walked on...

Elijah took his cloak, rolled it up and struck the water with it. the water divided to the right and to the left, and the two of them crossed over on dry ground. When they had crossed, Elijah said to Elisha, 'Tell me, what can I do for you before I am taken from you?'

'Let me inherit a double portion of your spirit,' Elisha replied." 2 Kings 2

“And when you have got their mantle, do not waste precious time in lamentations about them any more; get to your business. There is a river in your way; what then? Well, go to the Jordan as the prophet Elisha did, and try to pass it. Say not, ‘Where is Elijah?’ but ‘Where is the Lord God of Elijah?’ Elijah is gone, but his God is not; Elijah has gone away, but Jehovah is present, still.” Spurgeon

i want to be characterized by elisha's devotion to elijah, by his heart's desire to thoroughly engross himself in the Kingdom work that elijah's life so powerfully embodied, by his active picking up of the mantle.

the passage reminds me of the spirit's movement among mulberry trees, and how the troops were to "stir themselves" to action.

And he said, “Thus says the LORD: ‘Make this valley full of ditches.’ For thus says the LORD: ‘You shall not see wind, nor shall you see rain; yet that valley shall be filled with water, so that you, your cattle, and your animals may drink.’ And this is a simple matter in the sight of the LORD; He will also deliver the Moabites into your hand. Also you shall attack every fortified city and every choice city, and shall cut down every good tree, and stop up every spring of water, and ruin every good piece of land with stones.”

"i. 'The dried up river bed was to have many trenches (Hebrew ‘trenches trenches’) dug to retain the flash flood.' (Wiseman) 

ii. When the kings returned from their visit to Elijah and told their commanders to have the men dig ditches, it must have been hard to hear. Thirsty, near-dead men in the middle of the desert don’t look forward to the hard work of digging ditches in dry ground. Yet this work was essential. 

iii. This demonstrates the principle that God wants us to prepare for the blessing He wants to bring. Listening to Him, we are to anticipate His working and to get ready for it... 

v. 'If we expect to obtain the Holy Spirit’s blessing, we must prepare for his reception. ‘Make this valley full of trenches’ is an order which is given me this morning for the members of this church; make ready for the Holy Ghost’s power; be prepared to receive that which he is about to give; each man in his place and each woman in her sphere, make the whole of this church full of trenches for the reception of the divine water-floods.' (Spurgeon) 

The kings came to Elisha inquiring about water. God wanted to give them more than their immediate need. God wanted to give them more than immediate provision; He wanted to give them complete victory over their enemies."

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 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-13

take off AND put on.

sidenotes;
alskdfj praise!
the Spirit makes me bold.

favoritism

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"My dear brothers,take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you...

My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism...have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? ...

If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, 'Love your neighbor as yourself,' you are doing right. But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers." James 1:19-21, 2:1, 4, 8-9

"Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." romans 12:3

who do i even think i am to presume the right to pass judgment on people, forgetting that there is a fearsome God of holiness and justness who stands in front to protect them? who am i to forget His kindness towards me, to spit upon His grace in my unloving attitude? i don't get to judge people because they sin differently. who am i? i am a sinner. i have been bought. i am His beloved. i better act that way.

sidenotes;
God is good to me.

4am prayer

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You know every crevice and pothole and gash and scar on the veins that interlace chambers of my heart. You know what makes it sing, what makes it crumple; You know the circumstances and the people that have made indelible marks on it — those who have entered and passed through with the fluctuating waves of life. You orchestrate the lives that temporarily intersect. You know my heart’s daily propensities towards self-enthronement. You know the ugly monsters that dwell inside. You know all that is within and You love therefore You work for my good and are presently making a masterpiece yet to be revealed with Christ’s returning glory as You prune and do surgery and crush and break and mold and build. let my actions, intentions, interactions, words, reactions, hopes, dreams, desires, thoughts, meditations — let it all speak of Christ.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. Let the redeemed of the Lord say this--those he redeemed from the hand of the foe, those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and south. Psalm 107:1-3

sidenotes;
lol it is 4am //edit 5am
need more prayer

i just stumbled upon new music (woodkid, little dragon, thievery corporation) and i freaking am dead. i love this.
i love my ma & my sissy & my di. and being at home. and prayer and joy and a;slkdjfaoeifsdf

CAN SOMEONE PLZ FREAK OUT WITH ME I'M FREAKING OUT
THIS STUDENT ORG
IS GOING TO WORK
I WISH I COULD ADEQUATELY EXPRESS THE EXTENT OF MY FREAKING OUT BY SOMEHOW POURING ALL OF THIS EXCITEMENT INTO THESE CAPITALIZED WORDS
I FEEL SO UNCHARACTERISTICALLY EXCITED IT'S BEWILDERING AND EXHILARATING

there is revival in my heart

untitled

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i'm scared
did not expect this times three
or times four if you count the ghost

disquiet

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i am disturbed by my discomfort in silence. because when there's no one home i am all of a sudden confronted with unbidden inner chaos; i open the fridge door and close the fridge door. i look for something to munch neurotically on. i look at the clothes i've tossed on my bed and want to clean it but i don't. i am on the verge of tears but also fighting the urge to laugh hysterically. i want noise, i want heart talks, i want to rant and i want someone to listen and i want to listen to someone rant. i open a tab to go to facebook but close the tab before it loads. there is disquiet in my heart.

sidenotes;

finals sentiments

finals

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sidenotes;
so many things fly out of the window when finals come knocking at the door. sleep schedule, healthy eating schedule, my perceived grasp on control/sanity. cryz
halp meee
can i just bring my fleece blanket to class

okay body. this is so not cool. i do not appreciate this on finals week.

crayons, porcupines, and love

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this is by no means a comment that implies anything beyond the superficial meaning, but just for the sake of saying it & because it is probably too blunt/insincere to post on my tumblr with a considerably larger audience, here is my snide comment for the day: my insides feebly wither when i sit next to people who by no fault of their own (i hope) smell like rotten crayons in a simmering vat of human sweat.

also sometimes i feel like a volatile porcupine on the verge of im/explosion for no other reason except that sometimes, when i really just want to sit in my bed and read, edit photos, listen to music, & write, any form of interruption (involving socializing) stresses me out; when does the blessed command of meditation in solitude become selfish? am i sinning if i recognize my limitations in loving, if i prioritize solitude over spending time with others? when introspection becomes a self-centered justification for unloving attitudes towards others, it is not so much that introspection is at fault but that introspection merely becomes a vehicle through which our inner sinfulness is manifested. i suppose it emphasizes how necessary inward discernment is, because God looks at the unspoken murmurings of our hearts. & if i have not love, i am just a clanging cymbal -- loud, obnoxious, annoying, meaningless. i am reminded once again the "why" and "how" behind loving others starts with Jesus, is sustained by Jesus, and ends with Jesus.

also pondering the idea that besides the reality of our purpose to know God & make Him known, we are put in our respective spheres of influence to be a blessing to people; i am pleasantly surprised by the joy that comes with the reframing question, "how can i be a blessing to someone today?" the subsequent ponderings of which sheds light on how often we (or at least, i) foster our proclivities towards obsessing over how other people fail to show us love.

& finally -- it brings me so much joy to throw my whole being into this project. in so many ways, it embodies all of my skills and simultaneously engages my heart. i can use my vbs directing experience, use my passion for brokenness & people, & use my love of strategically using words so as to evoke emotions and actions in others.

sidenotes;
WEEK 10 FRENZY LESGO
want to cut my hair again lol

elijah

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1 Kings 17

"At this crucial time in the history of Judah and Israel, the Prophet Elijah suddenly appeared."

God led Elijah from his homeland, Tishbe, to Jezreel, where he was to pronounce a drought to the wicked King Ahab. & once Elijah's life was in danger for doing so, God led him to the brooks of Cherith where he was trained in communion with God, dependence on God's provision, and humility towards the vehicle of God's provisions (because God used a raven, a culturally disdained creature, to feed Elijah.)

"We must not be surprised, then, if sometimes our Father says: 'There, child, thou hast had enough of this hurry, and publicity, and excitement; get thee hence, and hide thyself by the brook - hide thyself in the Cherith of the sick chamber; or in the Cherith of disappointed hopes; or in the Cherith of bereavement; or in some solitude from which the crowds have ebbed away.'" (Meyer)

and then the brooks dried up.

"Why does God let them dry? He wants to teach us not to trust in His gifts but in Himself. He wants to drain us of self, as He drained the apostles by ten days of waiting before Pentecost. He wants to loosen our roots ere He removes us to some other sphere of service and education. He wants to put in stronger contrast the rive of throne-water that never dries." (Meyer)

so God led him to Zarephath to find an exceedingly poor widow to feed him. this requires faith on both ends: 1) Elijah needed faith to trust that God would indeed provide through this poor widow (who didn't even have firewood in a period of abundant wood b/c the drought did not effect it) and 2) the widow, a gentile woman, needed faith to prioritize feeding Elijah, a jewish man, over her own son in whom she had placed all of her hope of surviving in the future.

"She must be a woman of faith; she must make the little cake first, and afterwards she shall have the multiplication of the meal and of the oil. So the grace of God does not choose men to sleep and wake up in heaven, nor choose them to live in sin and find themselves absolved at the last; nor choose them to be idle and go about their own worldly business, and yet to win a reward at the last for which they never toiled. Ah, no! the sovereign electing grace of God chooses us to repentance, to faith, and afterwards to holiness of living, to Christian service, to zeal, to devotion." (Spurgeon)

Elijah said to her, "Don't be afraid...the Lord, the God of Israel, says: 'the jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the Lord gives rain on the land.'" 1 Kings 17:13-14

& then her son died. all of her hope in a single moment, destroyed. so Elijah took her dead son and prayed over him:

"A prayer full of powerful arguments. Thou art the Lord, that canst revive the child; and my God, and therefore wilt not, do not, deny me. She is a widow; add not affliction to the afflicted; deprive her not of the great support and staff of her age. She hath given me kind entertainment; let her not fare the worse for her kindness to a prophet, whereby wicked men will take occasion to reproach both her and religion." (Poole)

what strikes me as particularly beautiful about this story is that the obstacles come one at a time, and God leads accordingly. He didn't give Elijah a master life map but rather led him from place to place with purpose at each location. God used the unexpectedly weak to humble and provide for Elijah. & as Elijah and the widow acted in faith, God responded with gracious provision. He is so good.

-source

sidenotes;
as;ldkjfa;e praise.

awk / praise

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well. things just became exceedingly awkward and uncomfortable and confusing. be still, my heart. God is in control. praise Him, my heart. God is working.

EDIT// freaking praise God for provision. for giving me a blessed time of fellowship with brothers from other churches that are passionate about social justice. for protecting my heart from unreasonable fracture. for calming storms, in the 2013 la jolla skies and in my heart, because He is Lord over the storms and at His voice alone does my heart promptly cease striving and wrestling. praise, praise, praise.

sidenotes;
prayers up for sunny fundraiser and subsequent rainy friday :)

pondering vocation

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"The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." -Frederick Buechner

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

i struggled to post this elsewhere because i am increasingly aware of my audience. i find myself fearfully cautious of who reads what i consider to be my inner thoughts, products of my heart attempting to make sense of things as i navigate through the winding path that is life. & because of numerous fears that i have yet to discern, i have two blogs specifically for the purpose of controlling who gets to read what. but i guess without further ado, here is a somewhat lengthy excerpt of my inner thoughts, unabashed and unabridged.

i find that in my generation, there seems to be a overriding preoccupation with earning significance by landing a successful career. i see it in my life -- especially in the contents of my worries and thoughts throughout the years, starting when i was 16; i entertained a hundred career options and invested my heart a hundred times in ill-informed, naive excitement only to become disheartened in a few months by the lack of clarity that prefaced every option i timidly considered.

i have little doubt that this fluctuating pattern of excitement for the future inconveniently followed by paralyzing fear of the future will continue to be a struggle. not only is it characteristic of me, given my proclivity towards structure and tangible security, to dread the unknown steps to some unknown future, it is also characteristic of my generation to be obsessed with the future because we have been incessantly inundated by the lie that our glorified goal is to become educated, get a good job (whatever that freaking means), start a family, and... retire comfortably so we can die comfortably? furthermore, it is characteristic of humans in general, as creatures whose vision has been broken by sin, to 1) distrust the extent of God's love for us, 2) sorely underestimate His immediate workings in our lives, 3) and buy into the lie that we can somehow, by virtue of our hard work, earn our way into some distinguished calling. we fail to realize that in doing so, we are indulging in idolatry -- perhaps not with the luxurious freedom that "indulge" connotes, but with a frenzied and self-obsessed worried attitude. we are also misdirected in where we invest our hopes and dreams.

i donno. i struggle with this and will continue to for some time. but i praise God for the work He has done in my life, particularly in this area of worry about my future. He started with my obsession with berkeley and gently guided me away from a science major and patiently molded my passions until it is what it is today. i find that i am in a place where because i can trace the evolution of my passions, a dynamic process that i can credit to God's comprehensive introduction of people and events and knowledge in my life, i can say with increasing assurance that God is moving in my life. and because He is moving, my passions are not and will never be stagnant. my future is not some dreary cookie mold of structure and predictability that i am supposed to magically discern and walk towards in a straight line. i will walk what at times may seem like an aimless path to get some location which i am uncertain of.

and more than anything, my heart has recently found that it feels most peaceful and joyful when i am living in the present -- not obsessing over the future, but wholeheartedly pursuing my present passions knowing that He has given them to me at this particular moment in time. i find the novelty of the increasingly blurred line between the everyday things i do & the ways i praise Him to be liberating: i give glory to him when i have joy in what i do. wild, reckless, invincible, victorious, joyful -- these are the things i feel when i sketch something or create something; when i write to relieve my introspective anguish and find myself feed on my own logical process until it becomes a kind of art to translate and channel inexpressible chaos into powerful structure, words, and understandings; when i read a life changing book or listen to a song; when i bake something beautiful and delicious and can share it with my friends; when those dear to my heart share their heartaches and i am able to alleviate some of that pain. recently, the process of creating a student org has produced similar joy. i find myself tapping into the delegation and leadership skills that i used when leading vbs. it is exhilarating to throw myself into a project that practically engages my heart for the oppressed. it is tangible. it isn't some abstract, vague model of following Christ. it brings me joy. and i praise God for it.

& because of this pocket of joy and peace, i am starting to believe with increasing parts of my heart that anxiety over the future is a surefire indication that something is wrong: we are probably redirecting the ache for eternity towards banal pursuits of careers. we are probably investing our identity in our career and not in His claim over our lives as His beloved, as His chosen people purposed for great deeds. i believe He has greater things in store than we can ever imagine. & i believe that is why we are so mistakenly obsessed with our prospective careers: because we struggle to conceptualize the "great things" He has in store until the world becomes an overbearing reality and God becomes a distant second thought. we don't know who He is; we don't know His heart for us and His heart for the sea of brokenness out there, in our backyard, sitting next to us in class. we don't know that sometimes our concept of "greatness" is off, and that He uses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise and strong. because i also believe that as we grow in our knowledge of Him, and as we marry that knowledge with responses in our heart and actions, we will begin to see that God is the present reality, and the promises the world offers with persuasive sweetness will be anticlimactically unveiled as the ugly, rabid lies that they are.

praise God for freedom from worry & daily renewal of our minds. praise Him for being a God who cares about every area of our lives and is intimately involved in the present tense. praise Him for the joy and passions that He plants in our hearts.


sidenotes;
i have somehow managed to write for an hour and disregard my 11pm sleep time. this is what happens when i get carried away. why is it that my heart feels an unbearable need to word vomit its sentiments when i need to sleep -__-
i lav raw cucumbers

& also peanut butter
and eating clean
and good conversations with lnguyen
also i ate like 8 cough drops yesterday because it felt like there was a knife in my throat
& today i am so congested that when i breathe i sound like a dying monster from under your bed lols
where is all this mucous coming from? body, i do not appreciate this 3:<
i am congested hear me wheeze and trumpet and make all sorts of awful noises
창황 said that my haircut is the best of the three haircuts i have had during college. whooo

excerpts of the day

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ON HONORING GOD WITH OUR TONGUE DURING TIMES OF EMOTIONAL PAIN:

"Not one of us is immune to the wounds received when living in this fallen world. And though it ought not to be in our homes, the reality is that sometimes it just is.

Some of us protect ourselves by putting a hard shell around our hearts. Others withdraw, keeping a safe distance from anyone who might lash out and hurt their tender souls. Or sometimes we fight back, returning meanness for meanness in an attempt to turn away the flood of negativity, giving them just what they deserve for hurting us so.

We end up feeling as ugly as we sound, or bound up and cold hearted; unable to pour on people the extravagant affection that makes a woman truly beautiful...

Sometimes it takes herculean effort to pull yourself away from the pain of hurt feelings. The only possible way to do so is to praise God...Just like Ruth, you and I need a Rescuer – someone who will tuck you under His wing and guard your fragile heart. Rather than step in and rescue yourself by fighting back, what might happen if you, like David, chose instead to simply cry out to the Lord and wait? What if, instead of acting out your hurt and anger, you chose to bow low before the Father and honor Him with your tongue?"
-Hespeaksinsilence devo

ON THE PERVASIVE SIN OF FAVORITISM THAT INHIBITS FELLOWSHIP AND OFFENDS GOD;
"There is an evil which I have seen under the sun--one that grows and does not diminish. And it is all the more dangerous because it is done without evil aforethought but, as it were, carelessly and without wrong intent.

It is the evil of giving to them that have and withholding from them that have not. It is the evil of blessing with a loud voice them that are already blessed and letting the unblessed and the outcast lie forgotten...

Our openness to other people may be determined by class favoritism or by lack of comfort...But whatever triggers favoritism violates brotherly/sisterly love."
-Tozer devo

ON AVOIDING APATHY/SPIRITUAL SLEEP;
"Christians who isolate themselves and walk alone, are very liable to grow drowsy. Hold Christian company, and you will be kept wakeful by it, and refreshed and encouraged to make quicker progress in the road to heaven...Let the eye of faith be constantly looking unto him; let your heart be full of him; let your lips speak of his worth. Friend, live near to the cross, and thou wilt not sleep." 3.5
- Spurgeon devo


ON OUR OBSESSION WITH OUR "CALLING" AND HOW OUR IDENTITY IN CHRIST RADICALLY SHAPES EVERYTHING;
"We have such a difficult time affirming people's callings into the arts, or medicine, or education, or government, or law, or business, or the home because we don't see those callings directly or specifically affirmed in the scripture and then we assume that God doesn't care about them. We're asking the scripture a question it wasn't meant to answer because scripture assumes people of the scriptures will also have the holy spirit and commune with him to direct specific callings of their lives.

If we get a theology of vocation right, understanding highest calling to commune with God, our common calling as all Christians, and our specific calling as individual believers, it's gonna impact the way we live...

Many of you are probably engaged in work that you don't think matters very much...but have you considered how that work would be transformed if it became a time and place of being aware of God's presence with you? How it would be transformed, lifted up from a secular/mundane/profane profession into a holy calling where God is present? God doesn't do anything that doesn't matter and if He is with you, your work matters.

Your value is in your highest calling: that you're a child of God. How different would your life be if you saw all of life as a communication with God. His voice over you is not declaring disappointment or a desire for you to achieve more, but His voice says 'I am well pleased because you are my beloved child.'"
- Newsong sermon

sidenotes;
tear my gaze from me so i can see You and Your peeople

tales of a saturday's nothings with nobody

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it is fascinating to stop for a moment and consider the polarizing range of emotions i can experience in a single day of relatively few notable events. i woke up this morning feeling like the most antisocial creature in the world because i had, once again, miserably failed to wake up to my alarm. so i sat up and after a suspended moment of squinting at the obstinately self-righteous alarm clock, i promptly keeled over into the part of my blanket that had been warmed by the most unwelcome sun. after cooking some brown rice and yams, and after showering, reading about rehoboam's foolishness and remembering how God impressed john 15 on my heart the night before, i felt noticeably better. a saturday of catching up on reading didn't seem too daunting. and so i wore a dress because it was 80 degrees outside and headed over to a sun drenched booth outside tapex only to migrate to a booth in the shade after five minutes of glare on my laptop and heat on my shoulders. i was so glad for short hair.

i wondered briefly what my real intentions were, for cutting my hair, for wearing a dress, for studying in public. i donno. sometimes there are monsters i can keep at bay when i am in public places. but sometimes i am reckless and open myself to heartbreak when i am in public because there are faces i want to see and things i want to hear but i know it's all bad and awful for my heart. i wished for a best friend.

i found myself blithely braving through the dry history of u.s. healthcare activism and all the reasons it wasn't successful (namely, fear of socialism and entrenched racism). after that was done and over with, i buried myself in assata shakur's life of oppression by the very government that claimed the label, "land of the free." and by the time it was 6pm, i had just finished reading about her narrow escape from a gang rape when i noticed that a middle aged chinese man turned around twice to look at me. i glared at him with the nauseous disgust freshly evoked in my gut from assata's story. by the third time he turned around, i was packing my things to leave and he was opening his mouth to say something. i didn't stick around. as i walked past the shadowy eucalyptus groves, i struggled to stomach my disgust; he was ugly and creepy and i wanted to hug myself and squeeze out the memory of his face.

productivity took a woeful toll once i was back in my apartment; i listened to some emily king and some yuna and some daley. i also stress ate some ice cream and nutella while i was in the midst of that terrifying moment of paralysis and anguish preceding creation. i helped my friend brainstorm her essay and struggled to reign in my frustration. i wondered if patient people are just supremely convincing actors/actresses. i finished my newspaper illustration at 2:30am and am now writing for the sake of writing.

sidenotes;

i feel pregnant lol. i need to stop stress eating sugary foods.

i get so crazy when people don't respond to my emails/chats. why do you do that

i love pigma micron brush pens
i think i will write a spoken word piece sometime soon

like a gracious knife

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“Anger is always an attack on the brother’s life, for it refuses to let him live and aims at his destruction. Jesus will not accept the common distinction between righteous indignation and unjustifiable anger. The disciple must be entirely innocent of anger, because anger is an offence against both God and his neighbour. Every idle word which we think so little of betrays our lack of respect for our neighbour, and shows that we place ourselves on a pinnacle above him and value our own lives higher than his. The angry word is a blow struck at our brother, a stab at his heart:it seeks to hit, to hurt and to destroy…With our hearts burning with hatred, we seek to annihilate his moral and material existence. We are passing judgement on him, and that is murder. And the murderer will himself be judged…

When we come before God with hearts full of contempt and unreconciled with our neighbours, we are, both individually and as a congregation, worshiping an idol. So long as we refuse to love and serve our brother and make him an object of contempt and let him harbour a grudge against me or the congregation, our worship and sacrifice will be unacceptable to God. Not just the fact that I am angry, but the fact that there is somebody who has been hurt, damaged and disgraced by me, who ‘has a cause against me,’ erects a barrier between me and God…

There is therefore only one way of following Jesus and of worshiping God, and that is to be reconciled with our brethren. If we come to hear the Word of God and receive the sacrament without first being reconciled with our neighbours, we shall come to our own damnation…This is a hard way, but it is the way Jesus requires if we are to follow him. It is a way which brings much personal humiliation and insult, but it is indeed the way to him, our crucified Brother, and therefore a way of grace abounding.” -Cost of Discipleship, Bonhoeffer

sidenotes;
like a gracious knife to the festering, cancerous anger encasing my heart
because the sad and awful thing is that i can conjure the faces of those i have sinned against in my heart. it's not like i am ignorant about it. god have mercy. give me the boldness to do what i have to do now.

also i am stress eating and stress sleeping and it is bad

sleepy butterflies

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today i want to cat nap. you know that dreamlike limbo some time in between full wakefulness and unconsciousness, when there are memories and thoughts and sensations and images flitting in and out of your head that make sense but make no sense at the same time? & when your tummy houses sleepy butterflies and it's warm but your body is restlessly tense. when it's saturday afternoon and you overslept, when you lie in bed entirely resistant towards the notion of doing any work? i donno. that is today.  i want a hug. i want to talk and not talk, i want to draw and read and bake and watch tv and have someone track my visions and feed off of my passion and be contagiously excited.

i need some vitamin d; being cooped up makes me crazy. it makes my mind and heart muggy.

sidenotes;

mmmm

wrestling with being needed

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i will be entirely honest; there are days and moments when i unknowingly slip into this huge mess of fear. there was a period of my life when i was 17 that i actively disdained all sorts of over-analysis because i became aware of my tendency to over-think. i still try to avoid this, to an extent; but my awareness of that tendency fluctuates with the changes in life.

namely, i fear being unneeded. i hesitate to draw from a human interpretation of personalities, but apparently this "need to be needed" is characteristic of isfj's. whether it is or not, i suppose it is very much a reality in my heart. in sociology we touched upon the concept of a "looking glass self" in which we as social beings reflexively determine whom we are by who we are not: in other words, perception of our worth and identity is molded by how others react to us. we internalize how our peers perceive us and it becomes reality.

accordingly, i draw reassurance when i am someone's confidante, someone's secret keeper. it doesn't feel like some sort of renowned pedestal; it feels simply, right. how i reconcile this with Jesus' claim upon my heart and His proclamation of my identity as His beloved daughter, i have yet to discover.

i suppose that is why it hurts so much when people i cherish (in whom i have invested my heart in the form of verbally and intentionally sharing my heartache) cease to express affection towards me. or when they comparatively show more affection towards other people. or when they don't respond to my emails. or when they fail to follow through their promises of grand romantic gestures of friendship. i begin to distrust their expressions of love & i begin to question my importance in their lives and before i know it, i have entrenched my heart in a pit of tangible fear and i become incapable of unhindered fellowship with these brothers and sisters. and especially in light of two people, i find myself once more in a place of confused hurt and to some degree, betrayal, and in all senses of the word, mistrust because of lack of verbalized assurance. i feel volatile and am sorely tempted to, as c.s. lewis said, lock my heart "safe in a casket or coffin of my selfishness."

there is some kind of disconnect between my claim on my assurance as His beloved and my understanding of my importance as a friend in others' lives. i still have no answers for this. it is still very much a daily struggle to silence my misgivings and to fixate my gaze upon His face and to really embrace the reality of my identity as His daughter & as their friend, as someone who is loved and important. i'm not sure how to verbally express it yet, but there is most definitely something beautiful in this struggle.

this is an excerpt from a sister i admire:

"it’s humbling to realize that some of the core foundations of the gospel are still incredibly hard for me to internalize. For example, security in God’s love and awareness that his grace totally, totally covers my sin and shame and I don’t have to hide the unpleasing parts of me. I’m going to try to be really honest about this process of transformation for me. I hope that in doing so, I don’t convey that I am defined by my anxiety in life, but I do hope that I convey that being broken means that admitting that brokenness isn’t nice and neat and that it actually runs really deep and I still face real-time moments often where I feel overcome by anxiety...

I wish I could tell you that dealing with these core insecurities has been a smooth up and up journey of growth and transformation. I wish I could tell you that after writing this post, I will not have a doubting or completely disorienting moment. But that would not be honest. It’s been a painfully start-stop-start-stop-start again kind of tumbleweed journey into unknown, lost places. It’s included plenty of tears of all kinds, plenty of moments where I feel completely uncertain what to anchor on emotionally, plenty of moments of terror seeing the depth of my capacity to be selfish and sinful and hardhearted, and plenty of moments where my deepest heart prayers were simply “please God, help me! please love me! I’m totally lost” The cries of a child." source

sidenotes;

growth is really such a humbling and beautiful and difficult process
also i am hungers i want food mmm

ghost of my memories

source

i saw a ghost, i really did.
there one moment, gone the next.
there one year, gone the next

you haunt me because you are dead. because it is uncanny how similar it is to the other hole in my heart: we cannot speak because there is a great and intangible and horrible divide, except that you are alive. & that this divide is fabricated whereas the other is conquered by christ. what else is a ghost but someone dead in whatever sense who creates unrest in the lives of those he or she left? it is disturbing how our memories rewrite themselves because it feels as if there are cognizant wires in my mind, detaching and rewiring autonomously with some sort of gremlin-esque mischief. you don't know because you don't care. i am not some trophy to prove your mettle through self-denial. like i am a plague.

sidenotes;
i am so taken aback by how hurt i still feel
i could do with a hug and some validation

like air

source

sometimes i need words of affirmation like air. i need your eyes and your ears because i see you and them and you and me and interpret your distraction as disinterest and ultimately, insincerity or rejection. and sometimes i feel like my heart just vomits itself onto the floor with every word i speak or don't speak in an entirely anticlimactic and feeble way. but i guess, it's not like i'm the center of the world. 'cause i'm not. but watch me shrink as you take up space because i'd rather not compete.

/merely dramatizing

There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so enthralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts. Inside you they work their magic. -Diane Setterfield 

When two people meet, each one is changed by the other so you've got two new people. -John Steinbeck

disingenuous

sidenotes;

veterans of civil rights movement came today.
"undirected anger must be channeled into social transformation by people who earn their insurgency through the building of a critical mass."
when people don't respond to my emails or make grand and entirely empty promises of gestures of friendship i get crazy no lies. excuse me while i stare. i am trying to figure out if you hate me. or why you are lying to my face.

/being snarky introvert at 1:30am

front lines

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can we just stop for a moment and ponder what a great god we serve? whether we are aware of His very tangible and purposeful work or not, He is, nonetheless, working on the front lines of our daily spiritual warfare. He is working on grander scales than we can even dare to imagine. He sees the brokenness of this world and is at this very moment, bringing His sons and daughters together to wage war against the chains of injustice. He works in such a particular way that it is undeniably and oftentimes amusingly & obviously His handiwork. 

last night i had an interview with UCSD's IJM outreach officer, and i was, to put it simply, speechless by how perfectly timed everything was. there was a reason i didn't get into the physiology/neuro program -- and that was so i would become a sociology major who took soc2 as a sophomore instead of as a freshman. UCSD implemented a "diversity, equity, inclusion" requirement fall quarter of my freshman year, and out of all the classes, i nearly arbitrarily chose an African American lit class THIS quarter, of all quarters. God used these classes to plant a seed of passion for social justice in my heart -- and He perfectly timed my email to IJM because i made the deadline by one night. even more striking is that they were lacking in the graphic design/photography area and they were praying for someone to come along. it feels indescribably awe-inspiring to be part of God's kingdom movement as an answered prayer, as a prayer warrior, as a servant.

this. this is where my heart lies. in the midst of His work, using my talents and skills to please Him by loving on others, by helping others -- instead of trying to mold myself into another brainless hack that has no dreams, no joy, no passions.

"He works in the deep and hidden things when others are concerned with mere appearances. We have been the subjects of a great deal of secret, unseen, underground work. The LORD has spent upon us a world of care." -Spurgeon

sidenotes;

my hair :)

to red: food first

heart of glass, concluding remarks

source

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:7

i'm free from you

i'm free from you in me

i'm free-

this is where god has led and i refuse to continue to subjugate myself under unwarranted, obligatory loyalty. any residue of that is simply that: residue. residue of my memories. memories from a year of emotional annihilation and reconstruction. and now i'm tempted to be overwhelmed by the fear that grips my soul, by the contempt that i foresee myself tempted to dabble in. my porcupine spines made of splintered fragments. head first into the beautiful fray, i suppose? God is good. God redeems.

teach me to trust because i forgot again
because as much as i delude myself into thinking i am an emotional stronghold during these transition periods, it seems that i fail to realize how fragile i am. i underestimate the elasticity of heartstrings that can, at any given moment, ice over. perhaps i am more hyper aware than others of our fragility. or perhaps i am an anomaly. third time's the charm?

-to be vulnerable
to be sweetly broken
to be all the while, whole
so joyfully whole

the journey;
heart of glass
frankenstein
pocketwatch

sidenotes;

it is good to be at home -- in the company of hilarious siblings & a wise mother, with an abundance of home cooked foods and the warmth of my enveloping bed
also my mommy just disqualified everything in ten minutes lololol

crossroads, naivety flashback

source

this is the most critical crossroads thus far in my life. it's exhilarating and nerve wracking; i am full of joy and fear -- the road ahead is so frustratingly foggy but i will fearlessly step forth knowing that although i can't see, He most definitely sees all things. good things are to come. rabid world, come at me.

"Remember this, Christian, and let it comfort thee. However difficult and painful thy road, it is marked by the footsteps of thy Saviour; and even when thou reachest the dark valley of the shadow of death, and the deep waters of the swelling Jordan, thou wilt find his footprints there. In all places whithersoever we go, he has been our forerunner; each burden we have to carry, has once been laid on the shoulders of Immanuel."

"Christian, meditate much on heaven. It will help you to press on and to forget the toil of the way. This vale of tears is but the pathway to the better country. This world of woe is but the stepping-stone to a world of bliss." -Spurgeon

[naivety]

sidenotes;
quivering, thrumming
welcome to the beautiful war of my life

EDIT//
can i just freaking be a hermit
i just stress ate all my frustration
my tummy's in a stupid knot

untimely collision

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i have never felt more inexplicably swayed in my life -- at least, not that i remember. it's an untimely collision of tugging and yes's and no's and pro's and con's. it's me, wrestling against the temptation to somehow stumble upon peace and conviction through objectification, rationalization and compartmentalization. it's the lack of a cookie cutter guideline that i am so inclined towards because it is comfortable and reliable. it's the fear of i donno, everything. it's the memory of smiles, both stale and fresh, bitter, fearfully sweet, moving, painful, thoroughly confusing; my memory, again, thus serves its mischievous purpose in my wallflower mind. but as i give power to this gaggle of inarticulate sentiments through words, i must duly say this:

i will choose to gaze upon You and acknowledge once again that You are good. You are faithful -- sometimes frighteningly but entirely majestically so. You love me with a tender, passionate, empowering, radical, extravagant love. You see all in my life and You work all things for good in my life. there are no mistakes in Your handiwork and Your giant fingerprints are everywhere--so much so that, if i were to have some sort of spiritual infrared goggles, it would be hilarious because i would see more of your fingerprints than of my life circumstances. i will be still before Your majesty and i will allow perfect love to cast out all fear. let me no longer diminish Your power by fretting over things that haven't happened, over hypothetical situations i obsessively entertain in my imagination. this i ask by the empowering of the boldness from the Holy Spirit, who dwells in me and makes this untimely collision entirely intentional and timely and beautiful and good.

sidenotes;

i am kersplat hear me roar

sojourning in a garden

source

anchor me with roots unbreakable;
because if your eyes keep smiling i will-
lead, for i am made to follow and
smile my way into your garden;
if you pursue i will melt incapably
but stumbling my way about the wildflowers
in a limbo, in a trap of living heartstrings
with no path or light or voice
that need to be set right and planted
and i'll need you to speak light and guide me home
into leafy strongholds and royally adorned flowers
where i am yours, sojourning warriors both
crafted and designed as petallike reflections of the greatest love
fashioned and called and marked and loved by the greatest love

sidenotes;
i have never felt more intricately conflicted before
can i be a hermit plz

outside time

source

"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This love; not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God: but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us...love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:9-12, 17-19

something i look forward to is the moment i am, finally, enveloped in the embrace of He who loves me. He will tell me all the things He did for me behind the scenes of my earthly life, and i will, at the sheer wonder of it all, want to melt and laugh and cry and sing at the same time. i will know that He oversaw every moment of my life with painstakingly loving detail. He knew that i, for some inexplicable reason, love the poetic, soothing, and joyful emotions that rainy fridays evoke in me. He'll tell me that He knew all that i wrestled with in 2013, from the outrage over racial injustice in 21st century america to the strange year of blistering silence. & what constantly blows my mind, is that since He lives outside of time, He sees me as a perfect bride already and He also sees all the events leading to my birth as well as all the parts in between. i'm having trouble deciding what adjectives and tenses to use, because He is even outside the bounds of articulate and comprehensible language. and He not only has a thriving storehouse of intertwining plans for me, He has that for everyone in this world. what an awesome, awesome God we serve, who was, is, and will ever be.

on another note, was i perhaps too rash when i said what i said in april
does this count as a promise before god or was it void in my stupidity
god help me

sidenotes;
my eczema spot looks like a zombie heart
i have twelve freaking pairs of shoes?
i have been listening to gorillaz & sea wolf 24/7
i have an aversion to her use of font sizes for emphasis (even though i used to do this on xanga) but i love this: Protect Her Purity

things i want to do: amnesty intl internship
ucdc aip law/justice internship

sweet nothings

source

you spoke of tender sweet nothings
i speak of soured nothings and tender festerings
and of undying hope deferred
it won't die--why won't it die
we made hearts sick and i'm sorry
that i-who are you again?
self appointed connoisseur of my heart?
i beg to differ, i beg for words,
i beg, this silence is killing me

sidenotes;
i am entirely grateful that God is a God of reconciliation and redemption and justice and mercy
but am still wrestling and confused and hurt
i met you in 2011