in repentance & rest

source

"A life in Christ is a life of restfulness. There may be no ecstasy of feeling, but there should be an abiding, peaceful trust. Your hope is not in yourself; it is in Christ. Your weakness is united to His strength, your ignorance to His wisdom, your frailty to His enduring might. So you are not to look to yourself, not to let the mind dwell upon self, but look to Christ. Let the mind dwell upon His love, upon the beauty, the perfection, of His character. Christ in His self-denial, Christ in His humiliation, Christ in His purity and holiness, Christ in His matchless love--this is the subject for the soul's contemplation. It is by loving Him, copying Him, depending wholly upon Him, that you are to be transformed into His likeness.  Jesus says, 'Abide in Me.' These words convey the idea of rest, stability, confidence...The heart that rests most fully upon Christ will be most earnest and active in labor for Him...

"When the mind dwells upon self, it is turned away from Christ, the source of strength and life. Hence it is Satan's constant effort to keep the attention diverted from the Saviour and thus prevent the union and communion of the soul with Christ. The pleasures of the world, life's cares and perplexities and sorrows, the faults of others, or your own faults and imperfections--to any or all of these he will seek to divert the mind. Do not be misled by his devices. Many who are really conscientious, and who desire to live for God, he too often leads to dwell upon their own faults and weaknesses, and thus by separating them from Christ he hopes to gain the victory. We should not make self the center and indulge anxiety and fear as to whether we shall be saved. All this turns the soul away from the Source of our strength. Commit the keeping of your soul to God, and trust in Him." - source

beloved

source

“Mary walked in during the middle of dinner with a pound of pure nard, a perfume worth at least a year’s wages. Then she ‘wasted’ that expensive perfume by pouring it on the feet of Jesus. Next she let down her hair and wiped the feet of the Lord with her hair (John 12:1-3).


“This was an extraordinary act. It was also an improper act. Mary interrupted the dinner, she approached a male guest, she let down her hair in the manner of an immoral woman, and she did the work of a slave. what led her to humble herself and transgress the bounds of propriety? What led her to such an extravangant waste?


“It was this: she recognized the greatness of Jesus, and she knew that he was worthy of all of the extravagance she could lavish on him. He was worthy of the deepest humiliation she could suffer on his behalf. Mary was driven by a holy passion for the Son of God. She wasted that perfume on Jesus, and she would waste her entire life on him if he would give her the opportunity. The gift was extravagant, but the gift only reflected the extravagance of her feelings for Christ.”

-Surprised by the Power of the Spirit, Jack Deere

agape steps down

source

compassion is forgoing the lofty perception that only our self-righteous scale can determine a pain's worthiness. it is realizing that what someone else deems significant in their life is therefore very much so. compassion is anything but looking down on someone else's suffering. agape does not look down to love. agape steps down to love. we don't love people because we are moved by sympathy to sacrifice our time to help "lower beings" who have experienced lesser things; we love people because they are equals and because pain is pain.

The King will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:7


"You're altogether lovely
All together worthy,
All together wonderful to me"
Here I am to Worship, Christ Tomlin

thank You for your radical, all-consuming, transforming love

sidenotes;
(:
it's one thing to know the passing knowledge that God is faithful. it's another thing to experience His faithfulness firsthand. God is so good to me ahh a;lsdkf

on the heart

source

“A man must at times be hard as nails: willing to face up to the truth about himself, and about the woman he loves, refusing compromise when compromise is wrong. But he must also be tender. No weapon will breach the armor of a woman's resentment like tenderness.” Elisabeth Elliot

“Falling in love in a Christian way is to say, 'I am excited about your future and I want to be part of getting you there. I'm signing up for the journey with you. Would you sign up for the journey to my true self with me? It's going to be hard but I want to get there.”  Tim Keller

"They say there is a young lady in New Haven who is beloved of that almighty Being, who made and rules the world, and that there are certain seasons in which this great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight, and that she hardly cares for anything, except to meditate on him—that she expects after a while to be received up where he is, to be raised up out of the world and caught up into heaven; being assured that he loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from him always. There she is to dwell with him, and to be ravished with his love and delight forever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a strange sweetness in her mind, and singular purity in her affections; is most just and conscientious in all her actions; and you could not persuade her to do anything wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness and universal benevolence of mind; especially after those seasons in which this great God has manifested himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about from place to place, singing sweetly; and seems to be always of joy and pleasure; and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, and to wander in the fields and on the mountains, and seems to have someone invisible always conversing with her." Jonathan Edwards, on Sarah Pierpont (his future wife)

"Agape describes a different kind of love. It is as much a matter of the mind than the heart, because it chooses to love the undeserving. Agape is not simply an emotion which rises unbidden in our hearts; it is a principle by which we deliberately live." William Barclay

Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth. Psalm 31:5

I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart. I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O Lord. I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly. Psalm 40:8-10

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

sidenote;
late night bike to beach & run on the beach (:
1.18.12 bouldering (:
1.22 vhold!

the harvest is now

source

"The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field." Matthew 9:37-38

-U.S. = 4.48% of the world population
-only 4.6% (333) of the class of 2010 entering seminary students (7259) plan to commit to foreign missions
-of 15000 people groups, ~5885 people groups AKA 2.75 billion people are unreached

isn't the great commission directed towards all followers?
why are there so few workers?

my mind can’t wrap itself around the deplorable discrepancy between the need & the amount of workers.

if such an overwhelming percentage of the world doesn't even know that there is a Jesus to believe in, who am we to presume that we can have the audacity to say "wait, God. let me finish my degree. let me get married. let me get a job. and then i'll go when i feel ready & when i've lived my life." we don't have that luxury.

God doesn't need our help. & yet he graciously offers us the opportunity to participate in His kingdom plain; what foolishness has possessed us to pass up that opportunity? christians are daily passing up the opportunity to serve on the winning team. that's like everyday civilians saying "no thanks, i see more value playing in my cramped backyard" after being offered a chance to play on the winning team on the next superbowl.

furthermore, what a heartbreaking insult it must be to God when He says, "i have a mission for you. i'll provide 100% of the strength & means necessary, and i promise you joy & fulfillment" to which we respond with a miserable, "i don't know if i can do it... what if i fail? i honestly prefer slaving away at my fruitless job right now." i can only imagine how saddened God is by our continual rejection caused by stupid misunderstandings of His character. in any case though, God is omnipotent and His kingdom will be accomplished on earth no matter what.

"...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20

sidenote;
[ the Joshua Project: 10/40 window ]
[ Operation World ]
baby steps:
i had a conversation with mother without raising my voice
i messaged him
k God. let's do this

learning to dream part ii

source

how fickle is my heart, & how unchanging is our heavenly father!

i want to learn conversational italian & japanese. i want to learn greek so that i can study the new testament. i still wanna learn how to make petite gateaux & latte art. i want a nikon dslr; i wanna take the intro to photography class at SD for my area of focus req.

i wanna major in physiology/neuroscience and minor in human development & possibly teaching. i want to teach physio/neuro to high school students. i want to take interior design classes & open my own cafe, my own photography business, & my own stationery business.

i want a toller and an aussie.

i wanna travel the world with my husband to minister to broken people. i want to sponsor kids through compassion international, and then i want to meet them in person.

i want a roadbike. i want to run a half marathon.

i yearn to be available for when two people from high school encounter life difficulties, become broken, & seek hope, truth, and healing. i yearn to see college friends know christ. i yearn to see my sisters mature in christ. i want a discipler. i wanna get to know the harvest sisters better.

i am excited for how God is gonna fully orchestrate my love story.

i still want to be alive when someone cures cancer... and when someone finds out why deja vu occurs.

i say this with resigned acceptance & an amused smile: God, why are you so unconventional?

things change

perspectives change

dreams change

God doesn't change

God, thank you for letting me dream
thank you for the joy it brings me
you're top priority though:
not that you even need my permission,
but i commit my dreams to you.
you're a God who gives & takes.
do as you see fit, go go go

the me 9 months ago:
[ learning to dream part i ]

sidenote;
i didn't know i had it in me to cry this much

summer questions

source

how do i draw the line between being content knowing that God will lead me through each lesson/trial in my life, and being so content that i plateau and disregard the need to actively seek after Him daily?

i worded that awkwardly. :/

how do i ask for forgiveness if i feel like i'm always fighting -- like it's a glitchy default setting of my proud, proud heart to refuse to feel remorse? what am i supposed to do if that room in hallways of my heart has become icy & callused?

if i'm asking these questions, does that mean i'm doubting the power of the holy spirit?

largely rhetorical, but for the sake of my exasperation (& my amusement at myself), imma ask anyways -- why are children so shallow? in fact, why are we so shallow? the other day, a little girl at the park chose another girl to be her partner over me. i automatically assumed it was because the other girl was prettier. and then i mentally slapped myself for being retarded & even thinking that. because sometimes i can be stupid.

furthermore -- why is our culture (primarily american, specifically CA, even more specifically socal)  so fixated upon appearances? because how am i supposed to compete if i'm not into that stuff. good thing i have jesus lol. 'cause beauty becomes wrinkles one day, and then we need to rely on our inner grace and loveliness that comes from jesus christ -- wapow, jesus wins 1-0. bam. KO. 

lovely and empty

source

summer is lovely.

my desk is strewn with the blues and greens of my pack rat scrap book treasures. the air smells of sweet peas and fresh market apple, and in the morning i am pleasantly surprised to realize that i'm awake enough to listen to the songbirds serenade each other. i'm spending time with my friends of six years. it's bittersweet to i think about how we've grown--or how we've not grown--how i've become familiar with their quirks and how i'm able to predict their reactions to things (like when an old man barks at youngsters, or when an asian man tries miserably to hit on one of us, or when a saleslady implies that we're blocking the walkway).

that one day, at the playground, i remember how happy i felt when i played with those kids at the park. wonderful children. poor children. i'm going to go there everyday.

i remember feeling my heart skip a few beats, and it scared me. i wondered if my stroke volume had increased yet, after two weeks of running. i wondered irrationally if i had heart problems. i imagined myself in the hospital--and then i laughed. i remember feeling weary triumph, followed by confusion and grief. "if i'm doing the right thing, why does it hurt so much?" i thought. i prayed for healing, because i knew that the only thing preventing that part of my heart from crumbling was my stubbornness. i don't think i'm in denial; he led it with sweet on a winding road to nowhere, broke it with sweet, forgot it with sweet. that's all. i remember thinking, "what the hell is wrong with me?" as i watched my friends excitedly try on jewelry and nail polish at the mall. "why am i so not girly?" i remember hearing my voice harden and splinter as that angry monster raised its ugly head--as if i switched off the self-control button and let petty annoyance and dislike control my body, my actions, my words. since when did autopilot have a life of its own? i don't know. i don't know.

i fill my whiteboard each week with goals, plans, craft ideas, and to-do lists. some tasks disappear and some remain. yet in the midst of my busyness, i seem to have neglected Him. i never forgot--i just schedule it in haphazardly, as if it'll happen without my planning it to. everything takes diligence, effort, persistence, and self-control; i don't know how i failed to apply that to my time with the Father. when did i ever become a celebrity, and jesus a lowly fan? ridiculous. "i'm sleepy. tomorrow morning," i might justify to myself. or, "i promise, i'll spend time after i run." and i overestimate my ability to manage time. time kicks my butt. i wish i had superpowers, sometimes. and that's when i remember that i'm so proud and broken and silly

someone once told me that i need to find my voice. i wonder if i have found it yet.

everything is so lovely and empty and deep
and sweet and bitter, and slow and fast
summer is lovely

i stay up late to write about nothing--about silence
and everything in that silence

it was nothing

source
it was nothing, when
you took it and smothered it in sweet-
laughter; made it flutter
said things you shouldn’t have
intentionless, you played—had your fun
you took it and bruised it with sweet-
then threw it on the ground,
stole from her future,
taught her how to expect
nothing.
it was nothing

currently reading: emotional purity by heather arnel paulsen
lessons; life takes discipline. love takes discipline.

dear God

fill me
heal me

learning to dream

i want to learn conversational french, italian, korean, japanese, & spanish -- and then i want to travel. i want to learn the art of making petite gateaux and latte art. i want to go to a vienna philharmonic performance. i want to learn the logistics of using a canon camera, and then i want to take milk toof/danbo-esque pictures of my own creations in europe and asia.

before that, i desire so much to go to northwestern. or... or cal. i want to join an intervarsity group. as a side job, i'd want to teach flute to elementary kids. and when i decide not to dorm on campus, i want to get an apartment and save up money to go on an ikea shopping spree. i also want to audition for an orchestra and be able to play gustav holst's the planets. all of them! and a few mahler symphonies. some bernstein & gershwin would be muy delightful too. i want to do children ministry abroad. anywhere, everywhere. i want to visit orphanages and minister to the children there--and then i want to minister to cancer stricken kids and their families. i want to raise money for invisible children and world vision. i want to treasure the friendships i have today for years and years to come. i want to see my elementary best friends & high school best friends come to know christ intimately and passionately.

i want to go to live concerts by john mayer, michael buble, jason mraz, and adele.

i want to apply to upenn for grad school. i want to meet jasmine choi at curtis institute. i want to play in a masterclass with amy porter and jeffrey khaner. i want to play the dutilleux sonatine and the sancan sonatine.

i want a toller or aussie puppy,  named razzmatazz or chantilly.

i want to meet a guy who pursues christ daily. i want him to have a passion for something, to love music, to love children, to be compassionate and encouraging and wise. i want him to be the things i'm not: more adventurous, less introverted. i want to be able to have thoughtful conversations with him-and i want to have a system of honesty with no cowardly mind games. i want to be able to ask him questions when i'm confused about something in the bible. i want to learn how to snowboard, dirt bike, dune buggy, & mountain climb with him.

i've accepted the fact that i know what kind of guy i want: and i've only got to wait and never, ever compromise my beliefs or dreams for something less. i've also accepted and embraced the fact that God put the desire in my heart to be pursued--just as God wishes to be pursued by us. and until i meet whoever it is i am to meet, i will pursue God because it's in doing so that i will find someone likewise pursuing God.

eventually, i want kids. a son, and then twin girls. but i can't know for sure (: i want to live in the east coast and have an arts and crafts room where i can do artsy things with my kids.

i want to be alive when some genius cures cancer.

i want to visit taiwan again, to talk to my relatives whom i don't know well at all.

as for short term things,
i still need to make a master cd of my favorite music

thought to ponder;
does being pursued equate to passivity?
how do i find a balance?