oct check in

-october been really rough. all of week 9, can barely get through the day without crying
-i hate planning day by day. i hate not knowing what i'm going to teach.
-i hate when students treat me disrespectfully. darlene reminded me that it's because they are acting out of their non-thinking brains. they are reacting from their trauma. that in a way, because i have created a safe environment, they know they can act like that.
-to that, i say that it fucking sucks
-i wonder if i could choose another career and be happy and not stressed
-is sacrificing my wellbeing to meet my stupid high expectations and moral obligations worth it? idk
-this month was so hard; when i look back i hope i remember how hard it is so that i don't ever dismiss someone else's teaching struggle. also so that i remember where i started at

teaching

i'm not sure what the purpose of writing this is. i have been feeling a lot this month and i just want to record it. it is mid october and i am in the thick of teaching. everyone tells me that october is the hardest month on top of first year teaching being the hardest year. i am miserable. i can't count how many times i have wondered what other jobs might be like, or if i would enjoy another working field other than education. are the possibilities still endless? can i still try other things? is education still hold the transformative possibilities i thought it did - even as i'm watching my students give up in class or drop out entirely or get sent to other schools?

sept check in

-finished first sixth of school year
-grading is hard and takes so much time. teaching rsp kids is difficult too. not sleeping much is difficult. but love building relationships with the kids
-two mondays off and one wed off; was super helpful
-apparently i have carpal tunnel
-palm springs for photo shoot & to celebrate 5 years
-bought a car wat!

august

-this month was a blur of anxiety, crying a lot, stressing at night, waking at 5:30 to get to school at 6:15, moving stuff to new apartment
-intermittent fasting
-retraining my pip joints
-can't wait to not be a first year teacher

july check in

-interesting developments at home
-really dumb and expensive teeth situation
-thinking about: mindfulness, how trauma imprints upon the brain, nonviolent communication
-i love steven universe!
-quit my job at sender, 3 year anniversary wow
-preparing to teach

june check in

-finished first year of grad school & first six months of teaching
-started pd training and prepping curriculum map. summer is flying by
-summer reading list:

• kindred, octavia butler
• parable of the sower, octavia butler
• the body keeps score, bessel van der kolk
• citizen: an american lyric, claudia rankine
• this bridge called my back, anzaldua & moraga
• the radical king, mlk jr
• an indigenous peoples' history of the united states, roxanne dunbar-ortiz
• algorithms of oppression, safiya umoja noble
• the sexual politics of meat, carol adams
• theorizing liberation, gary okihiro

p.s. engaged!

may check in

-so... i got hired!! to teach ethnic studies!

-reached out to landlord to reclaim some power in this living situation. things looking up

-meal prepping has become such a drag

-dr. solorzano's talk about the physical/emotional impact of microagressions and microaffirmations
-started therapy again. hard but good, working through childhood wounds
-walked around santa monica palisades park for 2 hours
-awful food poisoning

april check in

-roommate is shit human i absolutely fucking hate her and i wish her the worst
-spring quarter is nonstop interviews, lesson planning, part time jobs (2!), grad classes, readings, sending resumes
-passed my edtpa
-didn't even realize april was almost done tbh
-westworld, legion, and handmaid's tale coming back this month. best month of favorite shows
-experienced my first vomit story! lol. students were amazing and empathetic. super proud of them.
-i snapped at a student to put down the worm in the garden and he felt hurt and cried. i apologized and asked for forgiveness.

march check in

-i have never forgotten to do these check-in's until this program's fast pace made time fly by

-didn't eat well this whole quarter but survived regardless

-finished my first 10 weeks of legit actual teaching and my students are amazing and i love them. "even though other teachers don't have hope in me, i know ms. eunice has hope in me" ;__;

-turned in my edtpa and it was a rollercoaster

-hate my roommate and i wish the worst on her. need to move out

-parents @ christine's wedding were super loving and kind to us.

-got a job w/ ucla labor center! it fell through but she offered an even better offer: GSR w/ full fee remission potentially!!!

-did taxes lol

-started doing interviews omg please hire me
-finished season 2 of jessica jones

feb check in

-lunch w/ trish at good karma cafe
-lesson planning going well
-taught foshay students about feminized, domestic, affective labor
-interview w/ ucla labor center
-can't believe it's already week 7 wtf though; every week blurs together
-watching the punisher during spare time
-fixed up resume

jan check in

-grateful for grace (for helping plan things), michael (taking pics with me of v stressful letters), uncle ken & auntie alice (for supporting our family), aundrey and jackie (for supporting me with forrest stuff)
-danny solorzano and ypar students in our ethn321 class, super inspiring and heartwarming and invigorating!
-started my figure drawing art class
-met with g.diaz and x.sanchez
-steadily getting shit done
-splash conference was fun but only a couple students showed up
-visited san diego!! hotpot with friends

december check in

pc: steph kang

-cohort dinner @ thomas', dsa rally about tax bill, kinda weird w/ white socialists everywhere
-tax bill, daca, net neutrality, aca, trump diminishing national park lands, skirball fire, the muslim ban being allowed by supreme court, trump declaring jerusalem the capital, $700 bil to the military??? everything feels like compounded punches to my gut and i have no time to breathe and recuperate before the next assault. what the hell is happening
-finished my first grad quarter!!!

november check in

-got ears pierced

-latina evangelicas event

-started leading warmups for primary site

-bowling with e and cohort

-bought skirt outfits

-reconnected with enlace, doing design work for them

-connections lunch at newsong. interesting

-got denied calfresh bc late bc stupid housemates are disgusting pigs

-thanksgiving break! super fun and not restful but terrific

-working on teaching portfolio

-attica uprising event and finding cleveland event
-this month absolutely flew by, totally forgot to check in

october check in

-really dislike my 425 teacher
-also really dislike la driving? stupid hit and run
-super triggering racial microaggressions at christian fellowship
-celebrated esther's bday for first time in person since high school
-have like ten bug bites wtf
-happy about la dates
-things i have been enjoying lately: my magic bullet, my cosrx aha toner, my new backpack, my planner, my allbirds, my rainbows
-found potential church home elsewhere
-also bought more things huehue (lens switcher, video stabilizer, calligraphy pen)
-feel so dumb, woke up late for advisor meeting & sat on my sunglasses blah

september check in

-big bear trip with sd friends
-tweaked my knee
-bought a bunch of stuff from amazon lol (key organizer, acne things, poopourri)
-also bought allbirds and new running shoes and camera backpack and laptop backpack
-moved in most my stuff into apt, roommate is disgusting dirty :(
-here are some adjectives that come to mind when people use their social media platforms (particularly facebook) as a megaphone for their emotions: unlovely, distasteful, shameless, narcissistic, egocentric, repulsive; have some dignity??
-7:28 mi!!!

august check in

-v strange encounter at daiso with tiff and spectrum with siblings
-albert & family since july
-took my cset again lol hope i passed; edit// lol did not
-got pedicures with sister
-helped yolanda with siblings?? was strange. also almost got attacked by a dog
-observed teacher in la, appreciated his carino fueled pedagogy and his faith. also i hate driving in la. and i walked my forehead into a metal gate
-bible studies at wintersburg
-dyed our hair
-with siblings: got the strawberry shortcake again, was not the same :( got overpriced mochi ice creams, watched dunkirk, game nights, visited pavilion park, dinner at the filipino market
-visited sd friends for games and ice cream and korean food
-helped joshua move in to his first apt
-ran 9:33/9:28 for the first time ever!
-biked back bay loop with alicia & sagun
-bought like 5 exposed binding moleskines lol very excited

learning to dream part v

i enjoy reading my old posts. it's simultaneously embarrassing and encouraging, hilarious and grounding. i learn from my old self. it's also a slightly out-of-body experience to reflect on how we experience time in different periods of our lives: during college time was jam packed with events and afterwards, time began to feel outstretched or like a callous impasse. it was only when i learned to set signposts for myself that i began to once again feel like i was moving towards something.

since my last post in 2013 (wow): i have seen a burgeoning movement of christians hungry for a holistic, justice/compassion-minded gospel. i am not going to berkeley for grad school but i am going to ucla where plenty of critically minded scholars are. i haven't gotten a new sony body, but i have added two more lens to my collection. i did get better at bouldering (but i also got injured in 2015 and it became chronic), i did buy a roadbike, and i did run a half marathon.

what do i dream of now? marriage. also a doggo. developing relationships with the ES now coalition, and working to build more ES programs in socal. getting a phd one day to teach ES in cc or university settings. seeing e get his nursing degree(s).

i dream of full recovery of my pip joint injury; i dream that i will not stop running or climbing or biking. i would like to visit as many (or every) national park. my dreams have changed in scope; they have become more career/hobby/marriage oriented. idk if that's good or bad, i think it just is what it is.

nov 2013 part iv
april 2012 part iii
nov 2011 part ii
feb 2011 part i

sidenotes;
this blogspot is kind of like a time capsule.
today's eunice enjoys poke, finally is able to run an almost 8 min mile, has had to deal with a finger injury for over 2 years, has learned a lot about the transience of friendships and also of human character/values, feels more focused than ever on the goals of the next handful of years, enjoys podcasts, can do 8 pull ups, and also enjoys shows like mr. robot, westworld, and legion.

july check in

-pr of 8 pull ups!
-my mile times are getting more consistent yay
-i hit 8:12 mi for the first time ever!
-switched to oneplus phone & also e got me a pebble watch for running
-started @ probation center, my kids are good kiddos and it's sad that i'm leaving soon
-lol cset module 1 attempt 2
-excited for j3 to come home next week
-six flags trip with sd friends

june check in

-tough month bc pip joint injury and wrist injury and arguments
-started running
-j left for his mission trip qq
-started teaching dts class w/ herald
-moving home end of the month
-esther and i saved a birby that flew into the window
-this month i broke the temples of my glasses... twice lmao. first by sitting on them second by standing on them sigh thank god for superglue

may check in

-got a haircut
-picked up brother from berkeley
-friend broke his leg
-did my talk about AsAm identity pt 2
-i think i'm all sorts of insecure about friendships
-sf trip

april check in

source: me

-first red rock trip! worked on monkey bar right v6 and angel dyno left exit v4

-bought our first rope! sport climbing a little more
-all my succulents are dying lol qq
-feeling burnt out with work but june is right around the corner and i'll be done with my difficult site
-looking for housing in la is hard :(
-ayce sushi and beacon park and chipotle with grace & justin
-sd trip! vallartas, del mar beach, boba, board games, dinner at the chius

march check in

source: me

-my new 14mm f1.8 came in
-my instagram got hacked lmao

-five unauthorized purchases on my credit card lmao

-got sick :(

-trying to fix my finger but doctors appts/insurance stuff is really frustrating

february check in

source: me

-the prospect of re-entering the sphere of social engagement feels like "coming home"

-waiting for ucla admissions o m g
-feeling more confident about design! particularly vectorizing hand lettering and using ai properly
-2 more p.e. sessions wat
-I GOT IN!
-pms is a real thing tho so miserable and exhausted

january check in

source - me

-big decisions are really scary? i want to factor and control as many aspects as possible and i don't know when/where to draw some hard lines and just go for it. aka grad school, also lol bc i was doing research about grad school this time last year and it almost feels like i just scrambled around a racetrack and ended where i started
-whenever people give me negative feedback about grad school i feel v uncertain
-but i talked to more people and feel kind of reassured of my own decision lmao

-did my ucla interview huzzah

-love hand lettering
-e started his new job and classes!

december check in

source: me

-it's december! looking forward to close out this year. was tough but learned a lot and i'm relieved this year is coming to a close

-in the beginning of this year, i was desperate to get a better job, to move out, and to figure out what i wanted to do for grad school. by god's grace i have done all three

-some other milestones this year: learned design, started pe counseling, started budgeting monthly and tithing, bought my own laptop, started paying for my own car insurance, was a bridesmaid, ran a half marathon
-spent last couple days with sd friends! hot pot n stuff