jan check in

 -first full month on meds
-insurrection, inauguration, gamestop, lol weird month
-doing yoga with adriene
-started watching breaking bad
-mostly able to get through the days
-generally baseline
-started css and r slowly

dec check in

 -finished the semester
-read The Mountains Sing & Know My Name
-vegas yikes
-did html online course
-picked up meds
-zoom with family

oct, nov check in

 oct, nov

-i honestly don't remember much of the past two months. depressive episode with bad anxious symptoms
-most days i wait for the day to be over
-nice biking trail behind house
-demy & jon's wedding was a nice getaway
-most if not all of my thought processes are pretty much 100% the same as 2018-2019 first year teaching
-started "doable" devos - aka minimum effort. some things that came out of devos: god rescued me from having to be a perfectionist. i worship (value) competency at the expense of my wellbeing
-emmanuel built out the computers
-since adolescence i've had a hard time being present in whatever life stage i am. somehow i subconsciously expect myself to have accomplished the equivalent of someone who is at least 10-20 years older than me. why do i do that
-intention: start explicitly writing out my subconscious expectations for myself

watched queen's gambit, kipo, started she-ra; his dark materials is back

jul, aug, sept checkin

 july
-in a rush to move out; found a place, visited, applied
-designed a shit ton of things for t.c.
-invited to join are
-west asian meeting
-wrote article with xitlaly

aug
-moved out
-interviews!
-stressful month with e & e; conflicts and therapy
-stupid design contract addendums
-got hired and started teaching
-esther moved out

sept;
-stressful last minute designs for t.c., gseis, labor center, nail salon
-idk how tf i'm doing anything

work that is sustainable is: joyful, meaningful, collaborative, relational, interdependent, healing, reflective
work that is unsustainable is: forced, frustrating, bitter, lonely, painful, stagnant, triggering

things i have had to stand up for myself for this year:
-microaggressions from white male teachers
-had my job stolen from white female deficit minded teacher
-pbs censorship
-efci censorship and dehuamnization
-parent censorship of my personhood
-students sexually harassing me
-clients violating design boundaries
-

april, may, june checkin

april:
-super busy design month: data for democracy housing brief, learned after effects for students deserve animated designs, curriculum censorship bullshit, design recipes for me & emmanuel, labor center figures for workers & learners report
-photoshoot for demy & jon
-lots of cooking

may:
-design: work on 80+ pgs of unseen costs
-meet with curriculum team to heal and organize
-Liberated ES planning meeting
-murder of george floyd

june:
-white censorship bullshit from efci
-june 7-june 21, sleeping1-4am everyday working on nail salon, unseen costs (88 pg + 25 pg)
-extreme stress: weight loss, eczema, nausea, headaches, etc.
-anniversary photoshoot


quarantine binges:
westworld season 3
punisher season 2
dark
midnight gospel
kingdom
avatar & korra
killing eve
the great
love, victor
gentefied

feb & mar check in

feb
-started off month with working out, cava for lunch @ woodbridge plaza, plan out invoice for labor center, finished Ibram Kendi's book, got yogurtland, studied cset, sign up for roth ira, watched comedy with jon & demy. in the midst of knowing i have a shit storm coming up
-started long term subbing at lorin griset. met students, agonized, brainstormed, pushed through with resistant students, formed positive relationships. learned from last year
-worked out with alicia
-PBS video calls for lesson
-worked on infographics for workers & learners project
-released data for democracy immigration brief
-took cset!
-read educated
-updated design portfolio
-created logo for save CA ES

mar
-last few PT sessions, still not healed
-school closed starting march 13 (end of quarter 3)
-found out mrs ells is a fucking asshole and is going to kick me out of my job
-during school closure, i: designed for ucla labor center worker & learners small infographics, made several edits to PBS lesson, designed data visualization for housing brief for data for democracy, designed logo for liberated ethnic studies model curriculum coalition, created covid-19 for students even though i'll be booted out by fucking ells, and more
-ran at least 3 times a week
-cooked farfelle w/ mushrooms, spinach, caramelized onions; made egg tarts, made chunky veggie pasta, made creamy chicken rice soup
-cut each others' hair
-read glass castle and the hate u give
-binge watched dark on netflix

jan check in

-finished stupid ucr extension graphic design course
-had couple days notice to sub for 3 weeks for an econ/wh teacher at mater dei, was stressed af to plan for an incompetent capitalist teacher
-joshua tree trip: no itinerary, just did whatever we want. was great. hiked, climbed, took photos, ate pizza, rested at airbnb
-experienced a ton of weird microaggressions at md, felt the upper/middle class culture killing my insides
-finished brief #2 immigration for data for demoracy
-found out i'm doing labor center's workers & learners brief
-got chosen to be part of team for pbs' asam documentary lesson building
-called, interviewed, chosen in a day to cover for lorin griset until june
-revamped budgeting sheet

i feel insecure about not having my own classroom, but i'm reminding myself that this year i am doing a ton of stuff to better myself as a teacher:
-took english methods course
-took ucr extension graphic design course to get supplemental auth.
-studying for/planning on taking cset
-even did ux/ui course on top of all that just to learn for kicks

and now just to keep track for next two months:
-data for demoracy
-ucla labor center
-ucla gseis staff directory
-pbs/aaaj lessons
-study for cset
-lorin griset long term subbing lesson planning

fall check in

aug

-plants with michael
-first couples therapy session
-processed fullerton & mater dei
-e starts nursing school

sept

-processed santa ana
-started subbing more
-making guava jam
-dog sit magnus & valla
-lots of conflicts
-liking la vista
-interesting to see different schools and see educational inequity unfold
-invited to design for ucla gseis

oct

-fancy bridal shower for nanor
-finally cleaned living room
-spoke for cohort 4 and visited my students
-processing for anaheim
-started ucr design class

july checkin

-hot pot with rainbow squad
-chernobyl with demy and jon
-signed up for ceramics class
-signed up for PT
-tramway with sender friends
-ucla lc still wants me on as graphic design consultant!
-babysat the hoffmanns
-sequoia trip
-gardening!

june check in

-last week of school; cried a lot, laughed a lot, had closure with my students
-bridal shower!
-renewed my license and retook my picture lol thank goodness
-presented my thesis
-graduated!
-prepped for wedding decorations for two weeks
-got married!
-best month

may check in

-last month of teaching

-alicia graduated!

-ethnic studies students presented their YPAR projects

april check in

-feeling better about teaching
-spring break:
saturday: hair/makeup, pokemon go with aries & gloria, demy bday dinner with baby caden
sunday: bum in bed, study outside; buy skincare, wedding plan; ask emmanuel about april 27, lesson plan at demy's/watch got, Mary Poppins, spiderverse
monday: beach with michael and planning at paris baguette
tuesday: donate bottles, study at OCC, run 2.8 mile, write thesis stuff
wednesday: visit uni teachers, work on thesis at woodbridge center cha for tea, sit in sun for a bit, get groceries, hangout with gloria, run 1 mile, climb, watch kdrama episode 1 of Her Private Life
thursday: cook pasta with emmanuel, cut his hair, study, alicia
friday: study, gas, groceries

-watched avengers
-esther's last overflow concert
-tender greens with demy, ramen with rainbow squad

march check in

-picked up my dress
-got my shoes
-made the invitations
-finished website and sent out invites
-baby shower for caden
-worked on a fun v6 at la boulders; trying to return to climbing when i can
-still struggling everyday/week. this fog is debilitating
-looking forward to seeing joshua

-unit wwi (people's experiences) and unit russian revolution going well
-some students still ass holes
-most students not
-on good days, i feel purposeful and fulfilled. on bad days, i want to quit

feb check in

-fighting inadequacy, powerlessness, frustration, under-appreciation all day
-some things i'm thinking about: what does it mean to be "good enough" - instead of perfect; how can i rest restfully to sustain myself for the long run
-i am not my anxiety or depression
-soon this will be over
-i am not my productivity or lack thereof
-maybe i should "look back and celebrate" instead of "look forward and be terrified"

dec check in

-finished first semester of teaching
-went to utla march
-counseling with ruth and mom lol
-finally winter break, bumming with siblings & pokemon go & mrs. maisel
-deep debilitating anxiety

nov check in

-it is currently thanksgiving break, this month was a blur and i barely remember anything
-this month was just working on the imperialism project; was really frustrating because many students didn't do the project
-i'm having a harder time setting boundaries/knowing what i'm in control of and what i'm not in control of
-i want a way out. when i feel trapped and option-less is when i feel the worst (i.e. living at home, solid landings)



self talk mantra
i am enough
it's okay if the students don't do work
it's okay if i rest
it's okay if i don't know what to do in a week
it's okay to be tired and anxious
it's okay because it's my first year teaching

oct check in

-october been really rough. all of week 9, can barely get through the day without crying
-i hate planning day by day. i hate not knowing what i'm going to teach.
-i hate when students treat me disrespectfully. darlene reminded me that it's because they are acting out of their non-thinking brains. they are reacting from their trauma. that in a way, because i have created a safe environment, they know they can act like that.
-to that, i say that it fucking sucks
-i wonder if i could choose another career and be happy and not stressed
-is sacrificing my wellbeing to meet my stupid high expectations and moral obligations worth it? idk
-this month was so hard; when i look back i hope i remember how hard it is so that i don't ever dismiss someone else's teaching struggle. also so that i remember where i started at

sept check in

-finished first sixth of school year
-grading is hard and takes so much time. teaching rsp kids is difficult too. not sleeping much is difficult. but love building relationships with the kids
-two mondays off and one wed off; was super helpful
-apparently i have carpal tunnel
-palm springs for photo shoot & to celebrate 5 years
-bought a car wat!

august

-this month was a blur of anxiety, crying a lot, stressing at night, waking at 5:30 to get to school at 6:15, moving stuff to new apartment
-intermittent fasting
-retraining my pip joints
-can't wait to not be a first year teacher

july check in

-interesting developments at home
-really dumb and expensive teeth situation
-thinking about: mindfulness, how trauma imprints upon the brain, nonviolent communication
-i love steven universe!
-quit my job at sender, 3 year anniversary wow
-preparing to teach