april check in

source: me

-first red rock trip! worked on monkey bar right v6 and angel dyno left exit v4

-bought our first rope! sport climbing a little more
-all my succulents are dying lol qq
-feeling burnt out with work but june is right around the corner and i'll be done with my difficult site
-looking for housing in la is hard :(
-ayce sushi and beacon park and chipotle with grace & justin
-sd trip! vallartas, del mar beach, boba, board games, dinner at the chius

march check in

source: me

-my new 14mm f1.8 came in
-my instagram got hacked lmao

-five unauthorized purchases on my credit card lmao

-got sick :(

-trying to fix my finger but doctors appts/insurance stuff is really frustrating

february check in

source: me

-the prospect of re-entering the sphere of social engagement feels like "coming home"

-waiting for ucla admissions o m g
-feeling more confident about design! particularly vectorizing hand lettering and using ai properly
-2 more p.e. sessions wat
-I GOT IN!
-pms is a real thing tho so miserable and exhausted

january check in

source - me

-big decisions are really scary? i want to factor and control as many aspects as possible and i don't know when/where to draw some hard lines and just go for it. aka grad school, also lol bc i was doing research about grad school this time last year and it almost feels like i just scrambled around a racetrack and ended where i started
-whenever people give me negative feedback about grad school i feel v uncertain
-but i talked to more people and feel kind of reassured of my own decision lmao

-did my ucla interview huzzah

-love hand lettering
-e started his new job and classes!

december check in

source: me

-it's december! looking forward to close out this year. was tough but learned a lot and i'm relieved this year is coming to a close

-in the beginning of this year, i was desperate to get a better job, to move out, and to figure out what i wanted to do for grad school. by god's grace i have done all three

-some other milestones this year: learned design, started pe counseling, started budgeting monthly and tithing, bought my own laptop, started paying for my own car insurance, was a bridesmaid, ran a half marathon
-spent last couple days with sd friends! hot pot n stuff

november check in

source

-encouraged at the asian american ministry conference by an analogy of the necessary posture/attitude for jazz improvisation/ministry improvisation

-great day in sd @ vh, the chang's, & w/ pnick & nat

-cset was a miserable fail

-finishing grad school app

-finally cold this month

-get to contribute a few paragraphs to the intro of dr. hertig's new academic journal!

-crazy week of design and life's pace picked up unexpectedly bc...

-moooooving out!!

october check in

-short visit to sd to visit efci and harvesters and climb at mesa rim. got regents & baguette bros & infinitea; i miss sd food :<
-took and passed my cbest
-visited la for lax preview climbing event; got some poke and visited esther
-e finishing cna class soon!
-wrote my statement of purpose, studying for cset
-nine years this month? wow

sept check in

-zion trip! hiked angels landing
-started pe counseling
-started my new job
-e started cna training
-anniversary number 3
-bought tenaya iati's
-allergy season, so hot lately :(

august check in

source

-orientation with ocde, site placements assigned too!

-finally got my 35 mm f1.7 lens!
-bought a laptop/camera backpack for my new toys
-steadily strengthening my wrist back to 100%
-dropped off siblings at their schools
-difficult week but transitioning quickly
-impulse bought an eeyore tsum tsum

july check in

source

-grace & justin visited
-started weekly hangouts with youth
-23! such a baby
-bought laptop finally
-bought new prescription glasses and sunglasses finally
-visited pnick & natalie
-sprained wrist :(
-made bruschetta and bibimbap and watermelon smoothies
-what is the purpose and value of waiting?
-i feel like a different person every year

june check in

source

-planted my sucuulents
-last week at bgcgg

-grace & justin's wedding!

-joshua's graduation

-finally got my teeth cleaned at the dentist a year after graduating

-finally got my hives checked out and my doctor was an absolute phony and just prescribed me claritin
-second (third) interview for ocde
-ceramics with joshua and esther
-tsy's wedding
-vbs
-brought joshua to berkeley! visited friends, ici's, mission cliffs, atlas cafe, bjm, dogpatch boulders, algorithm coffee, uc botanical garden, sliver. super restful and enjoyable getaway but missing e and e2

-feel noticeably more adjusted to postgrad life

may check in

source

-ran half marathon
-still have hives :(
-photoshoot for inheritance in the rain
-esther's home for the summer!
-met ethnic studies now organizers and ucla tep students at the raza conference
-got my hair cut!
-took the GRE lol

april check in

source

-pulse check, still alive lol and it's almost may
-ran 10 miles for the first time
-e started his new job!
-steep but short learning curve for photoshop
-#justinlovewithyoo wedding party get together
-taught fnf with e
-my generation's reality is that we need grad degrees to be sustainably employable
-reallocating all my munnies so that i can be wiser with my income
-visited world impact
-weird hives episode :(
-interview!!

march check in

source

-what does it mean to be purposeful day to day?

-adventure playground with e
-america on track maybe idk
-started bgcgg job
-registered to vote
-contacted world impact, scheduled visit
-signed up for gre lol poor
-esther back for break
-almost ran six miles non-stop
-joshua got college acceptance letters
-working towards joining marketing/design team at s1

february check in

source

-what does it mean to be resilient and what does it look like?

-poor this month

-visit sd friends

-interviews and stuff for bgc

-frequently discouraged by life stage

-training for half marathon

-e and i rescued shelby bear :3
-went to cgu info session
-got car back!!!
-ISAAC symposium was encouraging
-UCLA MAT?

january check in

postgrad life experience list: bad work experience? check.

some things this month:

-new job: worked 52 hours/week for the first time, learned about substance abuse, interacted with clients, experienced repercussions of terrible company communication/staff management, sent in first resignation letter ever, drove around costa mesa a lot, have some new outfits in my wardrobe, drove prius/versa/jetta, made a lot of fruit smoothies this month, got a hydroflask from trish, made a lot of cards

-sad i can't move out anytime soon now. wanted to since november. kind of alarming it's already january. idk if time goes by quickly or slowly

-unsure about grad school. where/when/which program

-binge listening to serial podcast

-having a hard time trusting god

-got new free iphone to replace jenky iphone. grateful for that
-need new laptop, bike handlebar tape. impulse bought hiking backpack
-wtf hit and run accident. really scary also really sad for my car :( phone call for interview on the same day.
-family dysfunction and stuff
-signed up for half marathon. need to pay for car insurance

sidenotes;
idk why archival notes of paraphernalia in my life is kind of grounding

letter

source

haven't blogged very often because i feel like i sound stupid. journal entries are scant and few. i also find social media increasingly undesirable and can reflexively hear my tone of voice become more dry and biting with every blog post i write.

dear future me,

hi. it's been six months since i graduated, five months since moving back, five months since working at sender one, two months since i started doing counseling, and one month since i've been rabidly searching for another job and a place to live. someone yesterday who is one year younger than me mentioned that she only has one more semester until she graduated. i feel like i am pushing through dense unforgiving pudding - time moves three times as slowly when i'm not being hurtled through the quarter system.

here are some nonconsequential things this past month: watched star wars vii, it was fun but also anticlimactic. i came home at 1:30am once, it felt nice. my iphone battery is jenky and so is my laptop. have been binge watching jessica jones. i have a new appreciation for functioning, warm jackets, fish tacos, and poke; still not particularly fond of onions though.

here are some more consequential things: i've changed in some ways that i didn't foresee and so have my friendships. i'm learning this is okay, but it feels kind of like peeling off old comfortable clothes and standing naked in the cold. in two years three of my friendship have taken dramatic turns. it is also an everyday struggle to choose joy and choose god; i usually blame it on the shitty toxic environment i live in and have little energy or desire to take responsibility for it. i just want to move out. dating is good, we're going on 2.4 years and looking forward to engagement because it feels like the next natural stage that we're eager to step into. engagement also sometimes feels like an expensive vase in my 22 year old clumsy fat fingers; we are grateful for community in san diego that figuratively/literally ushers us to fellowship/new life experiences with welcome arms. i still project my own timeline onto others though, it's dumb and i need to stop doing it. i usually do it anyways. career-wise, idk wtf i'm doing lol. that's okay too. i'm okay with the uncertainty in this area for some reason; other areas, not so much.

sidenotes;

postgrad slowpoke

source

i can say no. i have the ability to say no. it is my prerogative to say no. i am allowed to say no. i have choices and options. nobody can corner or trap or pressure me into anything unless i let them. if someone throws a tantrum when i say no it is not my fault, it is on them. i am allowed to take care of myself. i do not have to bend over to defer to someone unconditionally. i can step back and turn around and go elsewhere, go wherever i want. all these things are hard to learn and i'm the slowest slowpoke when it comes to learning these things. time moves strangely after graduating

sidenotes;

what do you have for me in january?

greedy

source

i want a job where i can work with youth, preferably at a nonprofit serving disadvantaged communities. i also want to move out to a place where i can have a private room and live with girls in the same life stage who aren't disgusting dirty and aren't loud. also somewhere that i can actually afford. what the heck is childlike faith. where is god in this idk i'm greedy and feel desperate and have baggy eyes

sidenotes;

bought la sportiva pythons bc my scarpa helix's rubber has holes. also ordered bridesmaid dress. and doing counseling and need/want a new laptop. wallet is sad ;_;

dreams pt iv

source

i haven't done this in a very long time, and since the last time i did it, i have been burnt out, discouraged, and eventually became hopeless. it's interesting to see that some of my past dreams did come to fruition: namely the nationwide revival (more like nationwide awareness of racial injustice), seeing several SAMI branches being started, doing the campus wide social justice cafe night, and watching the ethnic studies now! coalition advocating for ethnic studies classes throughout california. i did not end up going back for berkeley for that internship i applied for, nor did i meet the activists i wanted to meet. instead i got an internship in san diego and met different people who eventually were the same people to write emails to congratulate me for graduating and to welcome the new sami leadership. i can now climb v5's and 5.11a-d's, and i did get a road bike that i named cariño. i did not run a half marathon yet.

i decided against starting a stationery business because i prefer using my art to bless people individually and not to earn money off of it. i'm not currently writing any novels, but i am writing an article for inheritance magazine. i didn't get a new camera, but i did get the chance to take photos for inheritance.

i still dream of rescuing two dogs. i also look forward to seeing younger girls become admirable and driven women of god who will in turn invest in other ladies. i dream of getting married. i also dream of teaching ethnic studies in a community college setting, and perhaps getting acquainted with the ethnic studies requirement that is being rolled out in lausd. i wonder why i do not feel like i have the emotional scope or willingness to dream on such a large scale anymore. i don't know what else to dream for. i dream to see my friend a.m. follow jesus.

november 2013 part iv
april 2012 part iii
nov 2011 part ii
feb 2011 part i

sidenotes;

meander

source

since moving back, i've started around four or five different blog posts only to abandon it after a few meandering sentences. i have felt very un-myself lately, which means that i am likely changing and don't know how to process through it all. here are some things lately in my post grad life that i've noticed:

1) i never wished harder in my life than now for financial independence and autonomy. what is it about freedom that has made it become so valuable to me to the point that i effectively pine away for it?
2) there is a lot of anger in my heart. i see it when i cuss randomly during traffic or in my own reflection when disgust splashes across my face when i see certain peoples' posts on social media.
3) trust, hope, and joy have for most part become vague aftertastes of memories that both belong to me because they were mine and don't belong to me because they are so far away. i'm generally okay though, because i don't let myself sit in the emptiness for too long.
4) my heart seems to have atrophied, i don't suffer gracefully at all.

san diego

source

things i miss from san diego:

1) the girls

2) dates with e in sd

3) double dates with gy & jc!

4) vh community

5) the weather

6) running at the beach

7) my apartment porch quiet times

8) the breakfast/brunch places

9) my ethnic studies friends

10) lexi!

11) pnick's messages

things i appreciate this summer:

1) short distance dating

2) short distance friendships

3) my clean room

4) time with e2 and j3

5) a part time job

6) biking around irvine

7) my car

8) not paying rent

9) trip to dc

10) sleeping in my bed

unglamorous

source

postgrad life is as unglamorous as i expected it to be. it is like perpetual summertime, when i am undisciplined because i am unfettered from the guard rails of structure, schedules, demands and deadlines. moving back home is one of the hardest things i've had to do and it's hard to fight for joy and hope. when i look in the mirror i don't see a young woman who just graduated college and is okay with the uncertain future because she knows she is held safely in the hands of her heavenly father. instead i see a helpless and directionless adolescent who has no strength to hold onto the disciplines of the faith and little trust that it's okay to be hopeful for fear that it'll be taken away. life is hard to size up and it's harder to reflect on now. i also find that i have little fortitude and i realize that resilience comes at a high price 

sidenotes;

meh?? vat am I doing even???

blog list

source

chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage

multiculturalfamily.co

grievingbygrace.wordpress.com

samlouie.wordpress.com/category/asian-shame

christianitydaily.com/articles/5261/20150803/honor-thy-father-mother.htm

sidenotes;

learning and stuff

source

-learning the ropes of my new jobs

-learning how to love e short distance

-learning how to love mom

-learning how to grieve the loss of old friendships

-learning how to transition from short to long distance friendships

-want to relearn how to trust god's intricate work in the minutiae of my life

-learning how to budget

-learning how to make friends not my way lols

sidenotes;

yay for new candle with chri, purge cleaning and redecorating with joshua, making kimbap with family, spending time with e, sleeping with three pillows, biking around irvine, doing pullups, and stuff ya lol