reflections

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Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

i'm a weird, limbo-like mix of past, present, and future. i only have a few days in san diego before i move back home and life has been so busy that i haven't prioritized reflecting on my life up to this point. the different threads of my life are messy and confusing.

it's strange that when i think about the formative events of my growth, pain and grief are probably the loudest voices. my freshman and sophomore years were largely characterized by the messiness of loss as i dealt with the fallout of an abruptly severed friendship. i leaned heavily upon the steadfast presence of the lord who spoke tenderly to me and washed away names that were graffitied onto my heart: "stumbling block, unwanted." as i transitioned into sophomore year the lord led me deeper into his heart of justice as i developed a critical understanding of the world as it has been marred by sin. i was on fire, i burned bright and latched onto the word "pioneer." i heard the voice of the lord so clearly as he called me beloved after my seasons of loss and commissioned me to call out the belovedness of others whom he loves so dearly. my life never felt so lucid and directed and safe.

and then in the midst of the work, fresh and bright-eyed from my sojourn out to tenderloin, i was called back from the pain of others into deeper spirals of my own pain. i began my journey with my loving gentle-man who held my hand through months of discouragement, burnout, and heartache. i blundered through my justice work and cried for relief from the compounded hopelessness from broken relationships. from junior year to senior year i did not wait upon the lord. i pounded my fists and searched feverishly for release until i was lost in my own mess. self-examen did not save me, relationships did not save me, rest did not save me. i didn't wait upon the lord, but he waited for me. he brought healing not in grandeur but in the image of a small budding flower in dead dirt and in the face of jesus as he died and rose for me. and all of a sudden it was may, and i was fumbling through the last stretch of my undergraduate career. then june came around and there was great joy and also great, debilitating fear. there is no safety outside of my father's arms.

i am the most uncooperative patient under the doctor's care; i lie about my symptoms and run from the operating table and fight with the hand that means to heal me. i go to great lengths to give voice to my pain and protest change; i am grateful that he is also my father and holds me to his chest. i am of little faith and great fear but my creator calls me to joy and fearlessness. thank you jesus, you are worthy of my praise.

sidenotes;
shizz

creator calls forth belonging

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Come, let us bow down in worship,

    let us kneel before the Lord our Maker;

for he is our God

    and we are the people of his pasture,

    the flock under his care.

Psalm 95:6-7

This is what the Lord says—

    he who made you, who formed you in the womb,

    and who will help you:

Do not be afraid, Jacob, my servant,

    Jeshurun,whom I have chosen.

Some will say, ‘I belong to the Lord’;

    others will call themselves by the name of Jacob;

still others will write on their hand, ‘The Lord’s,’

    and will take the name Israel.

Isaiah 44:2, 5

"there is a peculiar presence of grace and glory into which men should never come without the profoundest reverence. We may make bold to come before the immediate presence of the Lord—for the voice of the Holy Ghost in this psalm invites us, and when we do draw near to him we should remember his great goodness to us and cheerfully confess it. Our worship should have reference to the past as well as to the future...

He is ours, and our God; ours, therefore will we love him; our God, therefore will we worship him. Happy is that man who can sincerely believe that this sentence is true in reference to himself. And we are the people of his pasture, and the sheep of his hand. As he belongs to us, so do we belong to him. 'My Beloved is mine, and I am his.' And we are his as the people whom he daily feeds and protects. Our pastures are not ours, but his; we draw all our supplies from his stores. We are his, even as sheep belong to the shepherd, and his hand is our rule, our guidance, our government, our succour, our source of supply." -Charles Spurgeon

as creator he is worthy of my reverence and worship. his fundamental identity as the creator entails that he is my place of most profound belonging. i am to be wholly his and in his presence all fear must wash away.

let it be

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"The path of the righteous is level; you make level the way of the righteous. In the path of your judgments, O Lord, we wait for you; your name and remembrance are the desire of our soul. My soul yeanrs for you in the night; my spirit within me earnestly seeks you. for when your judgments are in the earth, the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness." Isaiah 26:7-9

The way of the just is evenness, a steady course of obedience and holy conversation. And it is their happiness that God makes their way plain and easy. It is our duty, and will be our comfort, to wait for God, to keep up holy desires toward him in the darkest and most discouraging times. Our troubles must never turn us from God; and in the darkest, longest night of affliction, with our souls must we desire him; and this we must wait and pray to him for...The intention of afflictions is to teach righteousness: blessed is the man whom the Lord thus teaches. -Matthew Henry

recently i visited a friend who has a two year old toddler; as we talked i asked my friend if her child was showing any personality traits and she shared about how her child would make noises of discovery and point out new things to her parents. these discoveries ranged anywhere from a spider on the wall to the sound of the ac being turned on to an unfamiliar water bottle.

i remember not so long ago that i felt a different kind of energy about life; my inner thoughts were intense, curious, always churning and so hungry for more and i was eager to unabashedly share about these things. i leaned forward in seats when i was in conversation, greedy for opportunities to pick at others' brains and to bear my soul to others. my desire for intimacy in relationships was un-bound: i was raw and vulnerable and i think i thrived in it. but now the thought of returning to that intensity like sandpaper, or like the thought of a messy room that i have no desire to clean. i find that i have somehow begun to erect parameters in my heart for these conversations. i no longer look for them with nearly the same amount of intensity and in fact, somehow along the way i have begun to value privacy so much so that conversation has become increasingly taxing. i wonder if it's because i feel both burned and weary from relationships that i err on the side of caution, it seems like as i have implicitly experienced what feels safe and unsafe, my heart began to unconsciously build boundaries. it now feels relieving to detach myself from expectant desires and take a back seat to let things be, to let people be.

lead me

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From the ends of the earth I call to you,

I call as my heart grows faint;

lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2

Along the iron bound coast of our northern shores, lives are lost because the rocks are inaccessible to the shipwrecked mariner. A clergyman of one of the coast villages has with immense labour cut steps up from the beach to a large chamber, which he has excavated in the chalk cliffs; here many mariners have been saved; they have climbed the rock, which had else been too high for them, and they have escaped. We have heard of late, however, that the steps have been worn away by the storms, and that poor sailors have perished miserably within sight of the refuge which they could not reach, for it was too high for them: it is therefore proposed to drive in iron stanchions, and to hang up chain ladders that shipwrecked mariners may reach the chambers in the rock. The illustration is self interpreting.

Our experience leads us to understand this verse right well, for the time was with us when we were in such amazement of soul be reason of sin, that although we knew the Lord Jesus to be a sure salvation for sinners, yet we could not come at him, by reason of our many doubts and forebodings. A Saviour would have been of no use to us if the Holy Spirit had not gently led us to him, and enabled us to rest upon him. To this day we often feel that we not only want a rock, but to be led to it. With this in view we treat very leniently the half unbelieving prayers of awakened souls; for in their bewildered state we cannot expect from them all at once a fully believing cry. A seeking soul should at once believe in Jesus, but it is legitimate for a man to ask to be led to Jesus; the Holy Spirit is able to effect such a leading, and he can do it even though the heart be on the borders of despair. How infinitely higher that we are is the salvation of God. We are low and grovelling, but it towers like some tall cliff far above us. This is its glory, and is our delight when we have once climbed into the rock, and claimed an interest in it; but while we are as yet trembling seekers, the glory and sublimity of salvation appal us, and we feel that we are too unworthy ever to be partakers of it; hence we are led to cry for grace upon grace, and to see how dependent we are for everything, not only for the Saviour, but for the power to believe on him. -Spurgeon


No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39

The devil cannot dye a soul so scarlet in sin but what the blood of Christ can make it white as snow. Satan cannot drive a chosen sheep of Christ so far on the mountains of vanity, or into the deserts of sin, but what the great Shepherd of the sheep can find that sheep, and bring it back again. There is hope for the mart sunken. There is hope for those that grovel, and that sink in the mire The infinite compassion of God can reach them, and the eternal power of God can lift them up. Spurgeon
sidenotes;

object of my hope ii

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Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life—gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God...We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next...But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, “. . . believe also in Me” (John 14:1), not, “Believe certain things about Me.” -Oswald Chambers, 4.29 utmost

There are many who have rejoiced in the presence of God for a season; they have basked in the sunshine in the earlier stages of their Christian career; they have walked along the "green pastures" by the side of the "still waters," but suddenly they find the glorious sky is clouded; instead of the Land of Goshen they have to tread the sandy desert; in the place of sweet waters, they find troubled streams, bitter to their taste, and they say, "Surely, if I were a child of God, this would not happen." Oh! say not so, thou who art walking in darkness. The best of God's saints must drink the wormwood; the dearest of His children must bear the cross. No Christian has enjoyed perpetual prosperity; no believer can always keep his harp from the willows. Perhaps the Lord allotted you at first a smooth and unclouded path, because you were weak and timid. He tempered the wind to the shorn lamb, but now that you are stronger in the spiritual life, you must enter upon the riper and rougher experience of God's full-grown children. We need winds and tempests to exercise our faith, to tear off the rotten bough of self-dependence, and to root us more firmly in Christ. The day of evil reveals to us the value of our glorious hope. -Spurgeon morning meditation, 4.29

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Psalm 43:5

interrogate my soul, strengthen myself in God

anchor: God's active outworking

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Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. Psalm 127:1

god to david through nathan:

“Go and tell my servant David, ‘This is what the Lord says: Are you the one to build me a house to dwell in? I have not dwelt in a house from the day I brought the Israelites up out of Egypt to this day. I have been moving from place to place with a tent as my dwelling. Wherever I have moved with all the Israelites, did I ever say to any of their rulers whom I commanded to shepherd my people Israel, “Why have you not built me a house of cedar?”’ 2 Samuel 7:5-7

david's prayer in response:

“Lord Almighty, God of Israel, you have revealed this to your servant, saying, ‘I will build a house for you.’ So your servant has found courage to pray this prayer to you. Sovereign Lord, you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant.” 2 Samuel 7:27-28

"Waiting is a movement. People who wait have received a promise that allows them to wait. They have received something that is at work in them, like a seed that has started to grow. This is very important. We can only really wait if what we are waiting for has already begun for us. So waiting is never a movement from nothing to something. It is always a moving from something to something more.

Waiting is also active. Most of us think of waiting as something very passive, a hopeless state determined by events totally out of our hands. But none of this passivity marks the waiting in scripture. It is active, because in our waiting we know that something is growing from the ground on which we are standing. Active waiting means to be fully present to the moment in a conviction that something is happening where you are and you want to be present to it." -Henri Nouwen, “A Spirituality of Waiting”

God, as he has divinely revealed himself in the word, is a God who is actively and personally involved in this world. He claims all the glory not by stealing the credit of human labor -- but because he is the one who is laboring, and he presents us with the privilege to work alongside him in obedient participation. he prepares people for ministry (moses, joshua, david, joseph, samuel, etc); he makes the situation impossible so that it is clear that it was he who granted the israelites victory or rescue; he graciously emboldens and encourages those who are discouraged or fearful (joshua, elijah, gideon, jonah etc). this is the God i serve and he requires me to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with him. he requires me to love him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength - he does not command me to know everything that is going on, to control everything, to ensure that things go according to plan. he knows that it is beyond my limits to oversee results so to work for his glory is to let him shoulder the responsibility of the "results." he is the sole active pronoun in the bible and i worship him by the inner posture of rest and dependence that i adopt as i embrace the daily allotment of work he grants me. to forget that he was the one who brought me to this point or to forget that he has promised to be with me in the future is to fail to give him all the glory by my lack of utter dependence upon him.

sidenotes;

i think i am always thinking about what season i am in. maybe today i can just sit in the season and be still and know that he is God
also i think God grows me most in my utter dependence on him and so it is through pain, suffering, loss, failure, discouragement, etc. that he strips away my sense of wellbeing and security in other things so that it may rightfully rooted in him.
if i were to sum up how i've been feeling since coming back from sf, i'd hands down say "needy"

anchor: chastised by the gospel

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Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance? Romans 2:4

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. Romans 12:3

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:3-4

And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” Hebrews 12:5-6

Search me, God, and know my heart;

    test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

    and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24

i act the pharisee, the older brother; teach me lord to celebrate as i ought, as you have commanded and pleaded me to do so. impress upon me the weight of my sin -- greater than any other's -- so that i may wash my scales off in the still, scalding waters of your grace, so that i may enter the courts of your house with praise. do not leave me to my ways. fence me in and lead me in the way everlasting.  i have not clawed myself out of my eternal punishment to a pedestal from which i can condemn others. i have no rights. i have nothing but you. i am a slave to christ, redeemed and purchased by him.

sidenotes;
hm
three more weeks of crazy just three

anchor: unity in Christ

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So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise. Galatians 3:26-29

my thoughts initially began with a visceral disgust of academic, ethnographic research. i was thinking about the ways that there is something inherently violent in a research that presumes a detached (and therefore self-justified) privilege to submerge into a "culture," a "people group," and emerge with some transcendent insight. packaged, diluted, re-presented, commoditized, dehumanized, essentialized, consumed. ethnographic research, if conducted insensitively, can therefore be in many levels, an act of violation: violating someone's trust to excavate knowledge and then present it to the curious world in return for academic rewards and recognition. is it worth it? i concluded stalwartly in my heart: i will never deign to presumptuously claim an understanding of someone's lived experience in its entirety. i will be their friend, not their researcher.

maybe it was the spirit's promptings, idk. but i felt a gentle whisper against the disgust and anger fueling my conclusion. i began to think about the way i am sometimes driven by fear in my ethnic studies classes; studying alongside people of vastly different experiences and backgrounds. i fear their furrowed eyebrows, i fear their critical eye; who are you, a relatively privileged asian american christian from irvine, to say/know/attempt to understand anything about my lived experience? says the fear.

so i began to unpack this fear and reinforce the only thing that gives me worth in this life: my king and savior, Jesus Christ, came to this broken world to radically embody God's counterintuitive love by fully emerging in the human experience and dying a sinner's execution and atoning for the eternal consequences of sin. in his subsequent resurrection, we find the established hope of new spiritual life, following in the example Jesus paved, carved in the ugly scars that interrupt the skin of his hands and feet. through him, our horizontal relationships, once marked by difference and misunderstanding and hatred, can be reconciled in him. social differences -- race, class, gender, sexuality -- may not necessarily become invalidated and unimportant in him: but they now become not sources of strife but possibilities for reconciliation and a depth of understanding that supersedes all ethnic studies attempts.

i can submit to him and be used of him to help usher in God's kingdom of redemption and reconciliation. i don't have to bring anyone to God; i will bring God to them. i can fearlessly engage my friends with the depth of a gospel that says before him, race, class, gender, sexuality do nothing to further or damage our standing - a gospel that says yes, we are utterly wretched but are also utterly loved and Christ is the proof. a gospel that says: no, i may not be able to understand your lived experience, nor will i presume that i will ever be able to - but in Jesus' human condition we just might find someone who understands by his lived experience what it's like to be marginalized, demeaned, betrayed, and hated. a gospel that says we can love Jesus alongside each other, and in doing so we will have something that we can both equally understand, that we can both dig deep into our identities. let Jesus be our binding force and we can replace fluffy words like "in solidarity," and "ally" with "brother" and "sister," "son" and "daughter," and "inheritor," "partaker" and "participator" in the Kingdom.

sidenotes;
what does it mean for Jesus to be my anchor in every area. this is what it means
the only truth i know is what God has to say about himself, about humanity, about this world. to whatever degree ethnic studies is able to accurately analyze this world, i will become the best ethnic studies scholar i can be so i can engage with this community at their very academic and passionate level. i am so affectionate of this community aaah

i want to read the thoughts of these brilliant thinkers and as i do so, cling to my anchors and roots:
audre lorde
judith butler
bell hooks
toni morrison
anaiis nin

hannah arendt

oxygen of kingdom citizens

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Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8

"The instruction in this text should not be lifted from its context...in the Sermon and abused...God [is not] a celestial slot machine. Pull the handle enough times in prayer, be persistent, and you will get what you want! Such thinking is entirely wrong! A text without a context is a pretext. Isolating this text from its setting in the Sermon on the Mount is deadly. The broad context of the Sermon sets down the surpassing righteousness, humility, sincerity, purity, and love expected of those who are members of the kingdom of God. These virtues are beyond human attainment apart from God's grace. The broad context underscores our need. In the immediately preceding context (vv. 1-6) Jesus has shown us the danger of condemning other people as if we were judges. He also has told us to get the plank out of our own eye before we attempt to remove a speck from someone else's. His warning is, 'For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you' (v. 2). This standard is terrifying. Who is adequate for such things? How can we live up to such a high standard? We need to be cleansed. We need help and grace, but from where? Jesus answers, 'Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you' (v. 7). This famous text is not carte blanche for our material desires. Rather, it tells us how to pray for the character of the kingdom in our lives. -Kent Hughes

There are at least three things that hinder us from going deeper in prayer. The first is the sneaking suspicion that prayer doesn’t matter. It’s easy to fall into a kind of fatalism that says 'God’s gonna do what God’s gonna do.' So we stop praying because we think nothing will change. Then there is the fear that we won’t pray in the 'right' way, that we won’t use the correct words or we won’t use the right formula and that God therefore won’t even bother to hear what we say. Finally most of us struggle with the little voice inside that tells us we’ve got more important things to do. Prayer is good but we need to get on with the 'real business' of the day. So we don’t pray as we ought or as we would like. Ray Pritchard

Ask (aiteo) means to ask for with urgency, even to the point of demanding. Aiteo more frequently suggests attitude of a suppliant means to makes a humble, earnest plea or entreaty), the petitioning of one who is lesser in position than he to whom the petition is made. To ask means to to call on for an answer, which indicates that we believe there is someone (our Father) listening. It also implies that we expect Him to answer or otherwise why ask?

Seek (zeteo) means to attempt to learn something by careful investigation or searching,  to desire to have or experience something or to try to obtain something from someone. Seeking is asking plus acting, implying earnest petitioning coupled with an active endeavoring to fulfill needs.

Knock (krouo) means to rap at a door for entrance and thus implies an even greater and more repetitive intensity than either asking or seeking. The English word "knock" comes from German word meaning to press!...The idea might imply praying in the face of difficulty and even resistance. If you knock like this, your desire for entrance must be very great indeed.

Note the ascending degree of intensity from asking then to seeking and finally to overtly knocking! Each of these verbs is in the present imperative, which is a command to do each of these activities continually. Jesus is calling for persistence in prayer. Prayer is as necessary to us as oxygen to our life. Prayer is the lifeline for citizens of the Kingdom of heaven who are still on earth and as such it expresses our continued dependence on Him as we beseech Him for the grace and power to live the supernatural life of surpassing righteousness that Jesus has described in this Sermon. In order to live out the righteousness we must ask and keep asking, seek and keep seeking and knock and keep knocking.

Kingdom citizens persist in desiring that the character, ambitions, attitudes, and behavior that Jesus called for be shown consistently in our lives. Yet we realize how impossible this is given our weaknesses, our propensity for sin, and our lack of power to obey (we have not forgotten the first Beatitude – 'blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven'). So our Lord tells us to call upon the God of the impossible! In other words, what Jesus has commanded in attitude, ambition, behavior, and deed cannot be done apart from persistent, ongoing, regular, faithful prayer.

Asking suggests dependence; seeking suggests yearning; knocking suggests persistence.

The potency of prayer has subdued the strength of fire, it has bridled the rage of lions, hushed anarchy to rest, extinguished wars, appeased the elements, expelled demons, burst the chains of death, expanded the fates of heaven, assuaged diseases, dispelled frauds, rescued cities from destruction, stayed the sun in its course, and arrested the progress of the thunderbolt. There is (in it) an all-sufficient panoply, a treasure undiminished, a mine which is never exhausted, a sky unobscured by clouds, a heaven unruffled by the storm. It is the root, the fountain, the mother of a thousand blessings! Beloved do I really believe this? Better yet do I really believe what Jesus promises to those who ask, seek and knock? My (and your) answer to this question will not be evidenced by a simple 'yes' or 'no' but by the 'calluses (or lack of) on our knees' so to speak!)"

Matthew 7:7-8 Commentary

i ask because i lack the capacity to obey you. because i feel the wayward and chaotic strains of my wandering heart that is prone to leave the god i love. i ask because you are my heavenly father and you look at me and see your treasured, precious daughter. i seek because i can't see in the dark, because i am desperate and recognition of my need has driven me from a posture of asking to movement - left, right, up, down: the answer must exist therefore i am seeking. i am knocking because i have found the source but it is hidden from me behind the kindness of your wooden doors which say "wait." but it's there, behind closed doors, and i will knock in a manner of expectancy and eagerness and hope characteristic of a daughter who knows she is loved by her father. i will knock because you promised to open the doors and because i am loved by my king who delights in me, who delights in fulfilling his promises to me, who delights in giving gifts to me as he molds me into christ's likeness. give me battered and callused and bruised knees.

sidenotes;
into the fray

buckling down / zeal

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On the day I needed You, I called, and You responded

    and infused my soul with strength. Psalm 138:3

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

I delight greatly in the Lord;
    my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
    and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. Isaiah 61:10

i find myself mentally buckling down for what's going to be a long journey (with an initiation rite of sorts, filled with uncomfortable and merciless and inevitable growth pains) of transitioning into an adult relationships with the hardest people (person) in my life. this i do with fluctuating reactions: a gritting of teeth, a weary and accepting sigh, a leary tensing in my chest. humility, doggedness, resilience, bold defiance to sin and apathy. a bold defiance that i must step into timidly like a stranger's jacket. brace for impact, steel myself. i liken the image of "steeling myself" with wolverine, and the infusing of adamantium into his skeleton, with an unbelievable amount of pain that i am blindly and weakly bracing myself for. if only i was as cool as wolverine lol. i am grateful that he makes me bold - that in his mysterious fashion, he really truly entirely makes the frame of my body - my heart, my mind, my strength, my soul - characteristic of this curious (non)material that is boldness. i am daughter to a king of lovingkindness and longsuffering gentleness who clothes me in righteousness; how warm, how sweet, how secure is this blessed assurance. oh, my heart, how loved you are!

question; why is "idealistic" entrenched in premeditated connotations of unrealistic, irrational, childish? what marked the shift from a very realistic hope which echoes of paradise to an oppressive, dreary, and disillusioned "realism" of "adults"? why is the word "contagious" and "going viral" rooted in pathological history? is there a positive alternative that denotes inspiration, drive, passion, worthy of emulation, life-giving empowerment, rather than sickness and infliction and death? pondering the language we use in the construction of "adult" and "child" in the imaginative world (of aspirations, ideas, ideals, dreams) as it has been corrupted by sin.

in any case, i have resolved in my heart that i will choose not to be internally apologetic or abashed for my excitement, enthusiasm, idealism. i choose not to allow other people's reactions to me (whether they are taken aback, skeptical, bemused, dismissive, unphased) to dampen my fire. i resolve to be unapologetic in my zeal.

also i had a fairly strange dream last night. it consisted of clumsiness, a wedding, a piercing, fear, a ghost, tears.

words on my heart: risk, imagine, seize, rebel, pioneer, spearhead

sidenotes;
i need to work out
edit// okay i worked out. yayayay
also it's only 11:30pm. i feel like it's 2:30am. wat, pls body, wake up

edit// 4th annual binational conferencia 2013, holla student activism!

sanctuary thanks

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But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. James 3:17-18

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness...For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Peter 1:5-8

Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. James 4:8a

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

i am thankful for a God who orchestrates every detail in my life, who sings victory over me as he does so. and i am thankful for the vision he gave me that allows me to trace His goodness in my life, to see this divine orchestration.

i am thankful for his sustaining grace in the midst of difficulty, and that he uses suffering to break, mold, build, strengthen, prune, and sanctify us. growing pains. i am thankful he gives and takes - that when he gifts, i have tangible signs of he who is sweet and perfect, and when he takes, he proves himself through intangible signs to be even more sweet and perfect.

i am thankful that he created in me an excitable heart for things like social justice (SAMI) art, exercise, music, healthy food, reading.

i am thankful for words, artfully crafted to liberate all that is in my heart.

i am thankful that his timeless presence is my quiet and safe sanctuary. that in desperation and helplessness, i may unceremoniously and boldly cast every burden & crucify every sin at the nailed feet of his son who rose from death on a cross for me.

i am thankful for e, whose actions are characterized by tenderness, earnestness, humility; whose presence in my life spurs, liberates, challenges, and emboldens me; thankful that e is a compassionate and courageous peacemaker who wrestles with impossible situations without running away, who is eagerly learning to unadulteratedly lean on God while contending in prayer. how i adore and cherish e.

i am thankful for the sisters God has gifted me with - friendships which ebb and flow, diverge and converge, but remain forever sweet, constant, present. like dear sisters l.n, s.lee, c.h, p.f - who have walked with me for 3.5 years (except c.h: 8) and continue to do so as i grapple with new developments. i am thankful that they see to the depths of my heart, and that they allow me to see the depths of theirs - and that we brave dark scary places together. and my sisters s.lo, m.l, c.c - who are forever dear to my heart.

i am thankful for my siblings, who see past the depths of my heart and see the grime as clearly as daylight and yet still, love me. thankful for their derpy presences that buffer my heart from the full impact of pain.

i am thankful for the following locations which have been engraved onto my heart: philadelphia, irvine, berkeley, san francisco.

sidenotes;
uhghguhgug god is so good to me

in, on, through

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Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:2-5

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

He loves me. He hears me. He works good for me.
this i will drill into my brain as i press in. press on. press through.
this i will tattoo onto my heart as He holds it together, as it bleeds into His hands.
this i will sing over my limbs like a soothing ointment, as they tremble and cry for relief.
this i will shout to my feet, as they bear the pounding weight of my body in this race, as they brave the unpaved and uncharted and hostile territories.

sidenotes;
today was really hard. but it started with sweet and ended with sweet. and so i am grateful for so many things! thank you, God, for loving me, through so many ways.

edit// this weekend was so hard. feeling vulnerable, tired, fragile, needy, leary, like a cornered animal
to love, to suffer
and in all things to glorify Him

learning to dream part iv

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Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

i started this series during a season in which i was "learning to dream" in a liberated manner that sidestepped the realm of idolatry, heartsickness, and disappointment: i envisioned the future, listened to my heart's desires, allowed my imagination to have free reign, and in all these things, i acknowledged god as sovereign lord over my dreams, my desires, my future. i have seen how good he is in orchestrating everything in my life, how tender he is in showing me how he pursues and loves me as he molds my desires & prunes me so that i may bear much fruit. with that said, here's a snapshot of my dreams now.

i dream of a girls revival conference for sexual redemption and purity. also a conference addressing mother-daughter relationships. i dream to see a nationwide revival regarding christians in their understanding of a holistic gospel that calls us to be socially aware, to be community oriented, to have neighborhood theology, to be justice and mercy-minded, to be relentlessly seeking creative ways in which god may want to restore brokenness and right the injustices in our immediate sphere of influence. i dream of seeing SAMI branches across california. i dream of a campus-wide social justice night for christians this year. i dream of seeing social justice programs incorporated into high school curriculum. i dream that one day, in my lifetime, i will see massive upheaval in the prison system. on the scale of the civil rights movement.

i dream of going to berkeley for a summer internship, & eventually going to berkeley for grad school. i dream of meeting angela davis, ruthie wilson gilmore, and michelle alexander.

i dream of rescuing two dogs. also adopting foster children. i dream of starting a stationery business when i'm done with my degrees, and of writing novels in my free time. i dream of getting a sony nex7, and/or a canon 5d mark ii or a canon 7d. i aspire to become good at bouldering. and to get a roadbike, and run a half marathon.

i dream of seeing younger girls become admirable and driven women of god who will in turn invest in other ladies, be life-giving encouragers, be blessings for brothers, and be missions-minded servants/leaders in their respective spheres of influence.

april 2012 part iii
nov 2011 part ii
feb 2011 part i

sidenotes;
blessed
loved

p.s. tonight: coffee, ice cream, pineapples, pesto pasta (aka any food to keep me occupied). gonna be a long night. midterms make me fat
edit// thurs 5:30am; third all nighter in the past two weeks. not sure how i'm still alive, but i'm alive & my brain is functioning strangely well. why am i most productive from 4-6am. dumb. also god is so good to me, because i will finish this essay on time and class is cancelled tomorrow and yessssss

also woah, so many people getting into relationships. so trippy and surreal, pls

i must be really super non-impressionable lol, because people i work with never remember who i am. welp wallflower forever

baby deer and ghost again

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presently//
feeling like a baby deer in angry headlights

i got the crazies out of my system the last time but even so, navigating this new map feels strange and rusty like i had amnesia. like the vaccination shot's disorienting effects are only now receding, deaf to my silent screams of "i've had enough!" and it has left my bones weary, my heart wary, my hands shaking. but i'm trusting my gut & pressing in with prayer in this time of all things new and good. actively internalizing that i don't automatically default into the problem if i am not part of the solution, and that jesus and his grace is once again entirely sufficient. thank you, jesus, for your blood paid freedom.

edit// wow, rereading this makes me realize again just how deep his actions dug into me like shrapnel and tore apart things inside, like my perception of myself in relation to people i care about. actions which translated into "you are my problem. you are my temptation. you are all things bad therefore i cut you out like an abscess, or an addiction." never again

in the past//
but ghost, you are a stranger to me! i am feeling dismay while looking at this messy speed bump in my life. when people underestimate the scope of it all it is belittling to the awful extent of denying my reality, so i suppose on the same token i must doggedly resist the temptation to altogether cast away the need to dwell and process and walk through the aftermath. ghost, in your lingering, look: i am healthy, i am healing. i have friends who step into the dark places and face demons with me. ghost, i'm not running and i'm not scared. the longer you loiter the more things i will encounter and the more i will change. my King sings victory over me.

in the future//
we have the riches of God's love at our immediate and unreserved disposal, in all its heaviness and lightness and vibrancy and extravagance and liberating, cleansing power. there are things he hides from us only to peel away the scales of our eyes in due time. the more i receive of his love for me and for his children, the more i see how little i am, & the more i see how there is a spectrum of growth that he takes us on in all his gentleness and loveliness. what grace, what mercy! Jesus is King here & now, & he is restoring the world - he is more than enough cause for daily, effusive celebration! open the floodgates. Jesus is King.

"Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom

or the strong man boast of his strength

or the rich man boast of his riches,

but let him who boasts boast about this: 

that he understands and knows me,

that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,
justice and righteousness on earth,

for in these I delight," declares the Lord.
Jeremiah 9:23-24

sidenotes;
mraaaaaw
war of my life, john mayer
scribbled paper, little dragon
i have no idea what i'm getting myself into lol but Jesus is King and he is so good to me!

also, i hate skin problems with a passion ugh can you just pls stop, pls, you are the worst thing that ever happened to me this summer. i loathe you more than my eczema ugh

enemy in the homefront

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Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:13

Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. 1 Peter 2:11

The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.1 Peter 4:7

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 1 Peter 5:8-9

these verses are always so pertinent when i'm at home, because that's when i let my guard down

sidenotes;
today life is sweet

gospel & berkeley

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But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

how wonderful is it that even before i go up to norcal, i am reminded of the radical, earthshaking implications of the gospel?

jesus extravagantly proclaimed god’s love for me: he died an undeserved sinner’s death & lived again to provide me access to a new life in sanctifying preparation for eternal fellowship with my Maker. & because god did this in full awareness of my wretchedness--all that i am inside is laid bare before him, i have no one to prove myself to. i don't have to prove my trust in him at the cost of compromising my safety. trust does not equate to recklessness. i am grateful for the two sisters dear to my heart (shameless shout out, slo&cchen) for speaking sense to me and being gentle while i grappled with guilt (as well as my tendency to go all in, & my perception of what that means).

it is because of this gospel truth that i can boast in the cross and make decisions in a realm of freedom and fearlessness, without unwarranted guilt of disappointing him or putting him in a box. i can trust that he makes my ways straight & that his ways supersede, go before, and surround all of my ways. i am forever entirely in the King’s embrace : ) how is this not earthshaking to monumental extremes? how does this not make praise arise from deep inside without pause?

this is all to say, i am actually going to live in berkeley instead of sf. hahaha

& i have also come to realize in the past twenty seconds... that god is redeeming my wish to live in berkeley... HOWww GOD IS SO GOOD! senior year he took away my obsessive desire to go to berkeley and taught me to trust him by blessing me in SD and now he's letting me go to berkeley for a quarter, on his terms. this is too good, god. i see what you did there. a;slkdjf;alskjdf

sidenotes;
wahahaha
so blessed and safe and joyful to be in THE king's embrace
EXCEEDING PRAISE OMQ

not particularly important, but i wonder why i feel the need to blog. it is essentially an online diary, but with a public audience. i'm starting to realize how much i truly am a blogger -- ever since 12 years old! i have seven blogs serving different purposes, and apart from that i have two private journals that delve even deeper. i wonder why i feel the need to share things with people all the time -- joys, struggles, ponderings. i donnos. how come not everyone feels this need? i feel like an oddball wakawaka

renewal

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Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

People no longer ask “Is it true?” but “Does it work?” and “How will it make me feel?” Those latter two questions serve as a working definition of truth in our society that rejects the concept of absolute divine truth. Truth is whatever works and produces positive emotions. Sadly, such pragmatism and emotionalism has crept even into theology. The church is often more concerned about whether something will be divisive or offensive than whether it is biblically true...Too many people go to church not to think or reason about the truths of Scripture, but to get their weekly spiritual high; to feel that God is still with them. Such people are spiritually unstable because they base their lives on feeling rather than on thinking...Salvation involves the transformation of the mind. -Macarthur 

Meditation is the activity of calling to mind, and thinking over, and dwelling on, and applying to oneself, the various things that one knows about the works and ways and purposes and promises of God...It is an activity of holy thought, consciously performed in the presence of God, under the eye of God, by the help of God, as a means of communion with God. -J.I. Packer 

Satan wants to turn your mind into a cesspool and have your mind occupied with that which ultimately must corrupt, defile, and spoil the whole body, distort the life, and produce sin. The battle is not first in the field of action; it is in the field of thought. Transport yourself to the pasture, consider the cow chewing her cud, and learn that lesson from nature that the psalmist learned. Your delight must be in the Word of God, and in His Word you must chew your cud day and night. If the battle is lost, it is lost because you do not meditate on “ these things.” J.D. Pentecost

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in my journey of introspection and prayer, i have always been stubbornly inclined towards the framing question, "why?" i ponder about something for hours which become days (and eventually i surprise myself with the realization that months have passed and i have not given this issue rest). i wonder at why i react the way i do to certain situations, to people; i wonder whether my reactions have any credibility, what they say about me, what they say about God's work in my life. it is a knee jerk reaction and i find that it is a wonderful process of sifting through all that is in my mind to discover truth which i can embrace. sometimes though, i am distracted by the goal of finding an emotionally satisfying answer to these "why" questions that i become frustrated and dwell obsessively upon the lack of a conclusive discovery that can shed light upon the whole process.

i am learning that my inner life is never as linear or logical as i would like it to be; it is not an input-output system. it gets messy & that's okay. i can bring these messy things to my Father and have Him shed light and untangle in due time. in the meantime, i can content my soul with the captivating work of dwelling in Him.

sidenotes;
mmmm, yes. :)

favoritism

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"My dear brothers,take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you...

My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism...have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? ...

If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, 'Love your neighbor as yourself,' you are doing right. But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers." James 1:19-21, 2:1, 4, 8-9

"Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." romans 12:3

who do i even think i am to presume the right to pass judgment on people, forgetting that there is a fearsome God of holiness and justness who stands in front to protect them? who am i to forget His kindness towards me, to spit upon His grace in my unloving attitude? i don't get to judge people because they sin differently. who am i? i am a sinner. i have been bought. i am His beloved. i better act that way.

sidenotes;
God is good to me.

4am prayer

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You know every crevice and pothole and gash and scar on the veins that interlace chambers of my heart. You know what makes it sing, what makes it crumple; You know the circumstances and the people that have made indelible marks on it — those who have entered and passed through with the fluctuating waves of life. You orchestrate the lives that temporarily intersect. You know my heart’s daily propensities towards self-enthronement. You know the ugly monsters that dwell inside. You know all that is within and You love therefore You work for my good and are presently making a masterpiece yet to be revealed with Christ’s returning glory as You prune and do surgery and crush and break and mold and build. let my actions, intentions, interactions, words, reactions, hopes, dreams, desires, thoughts, meditations — let it all speak of Christ.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. Let the redeemed of the Lord say this--those he redeemed from the hand of the foe, those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and south. Psalm 107:1-3

sidenotes;
lol it is 4am //edit 5am
need more prayer

i just stumbled upon new music (woodkid, little dragon, thievery corporation) and i freaking am dead. i love this.
i love my ma & my sissy & my di. and being at home. and prayer and joy and a;slkdjfaoeifsdf

CAN SOMEONE PLZ FREAK OUT WITH ME I'M FREAKING OUT
THIS STUDENT ORG
IS GOING TO WORK
I WISH I COULD ADEQUATELY EXPRESS THE EXTENT OF MY FREAKING OUT BY SOMEHOW POURING ALL OF THIS EXCITEMENT INTO THESE CAPITALIZED WORDS
I FEEL SO UNCHARACTERISTICALLY EXCITED IT'S BEWILDERING AND EXHILARATING

there is revival in my heart

pondering vocation

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"The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." -Frederick Buechner

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

i struggled to post this elsewhere because i am increasingly aware of my audience. i find myself fearfully cautious of who reads what i consider to be my inner thoughts, products of my heart attempting to make sense of things as i navigate through the winding path that is life. & because of numerous fears that i have yet to discern, i have two blogs specifically for the purpose of controlling who gets to read what. but i guess without further ado, here is a somewhat lengthy excerpt of my inner thoughts, unabashed and unabridged.

i find that in my generation, there seems to be a overriding preoccupation with earning significance by landing a successful career. i see it in my life -- especially in the contents of my worries and thoughts throughout the years, starting when i was 16; i entertained a hundred career options and invested my heart a hundred times in ill-informed, naive excitement only to become disheartened in a few months by the lack of clarity that prefaced every option i timidly considered.

i have little doubt that this fluctuating pattern of excitement for the future inconveniently followed by paralyzing fear of the future will continue to be a struggle. not only is it characteristic of me, given my proclivity towards structure and tangible security, to dread the unknown steps to some unknown future, it is also characteristic of my generation to be obsessed with the future because we have been incessantly inundated by the lie that our glorified goal is to become educated, get a good job (whatever that freaking means), start a family, and... retire comfortably so we can die comfortably? furthermore, it is characteristic of humans in general, as creatures whose vision has been broken by sin, to 1) distrust the extent of God's love for us, 2) sorely underestimate His immediate workings in our lives, 3) and buy into the lie that we can somehow, by virtue of our hard work, earn our way into some distinguished calling. we fail to realize that in doing so, we are indulging in idolatry -- perhaps not with the luxurious freedom that "indulge" connotes, but with a frenzied and self-obsessed worried attitude. we are also misdirected in where we invest our hopes and dreams.

i donno. i struggle with this and will continue to for some time. but i praise God for the work He has done in my life, particularly in this area of worry about my future. He started with my obsession with berkeley and gently guided me away from a science major and patiently molded my passions until it is what it is today. i find that i am in a place where because i can trace the evolution of my passions, a dynamic process that i can credit to God's comprehensive introduction of people and events and knowledge in my life, i can say with increasing assurance that God is moving in my life. and because He is moving, my passions are not and will never be stagnant. my future is not some dreary cookie mold of structure and predictability that i am supposed to magically discern and walk towards in a straight line. i will walk what at times may seem like an aimless path to get some location which i am uncertain of.

and more than anything, my heart has recently found that it feels most peaceful and joyful when i am living in the present -- not obsessing over the future, but wholeheartedly pursuing my present passions knowing that He has given them to me at this particular moment in time. i find the novelty of the increasingly blurred line between the everyday things i do & the ways i praise Him to be liberating: i give glory to him when i have joy in what i do. wild, reckless, invincible, victorious, joyful -- these are the things i feel when i sketch something or create something; when i write to relieve my introspective anguish and find myself feed on my own logical process until it becomes a kind of art to translate and channel inexpressible chaos into powerful structure, words, and understandings; when i read a life changing book or listen to a song; when i bake something beautiful and delicious and can share it with my friends; when those dear to my heart share their heartaches and i am able to alleviate some of that pain. recently, the process of creating a student org has produced similar joy. i find myself tapping into the delegation and leadership skills that i used when leading vbs. it is exhilarating to throw myself into a project that practically engages my heart for the oppressed. it is tangible. it isn't some abstract, vague model of following Christ. it brings me joy. and i praise God for it.

& because of this pocket of joy and peace, i am starting to believe with increasing parts of my heart that anxiety over the future is a surefire indication that something is wrong: we are probably redirecting the ache for eternity towards banal pursuits of careers. we are probably investing our identity in our career and not in His claim over our lives as His beloved, as His chosen people purposed for great deeds. i believe He has greater things in store than we can ever imagine. & i believe that is why we are so mistakenly obsessed with our prospective careers: because we struggle to conceptualize the "great things" He has in store until the world becomes an overbearing reality and God becomes a distant second thought. we don't know who He is; we don't know His heart for us and His heart for the sea of brokenness out there, in our backyard, sitting next to us in class. we don't know that sometimes our concept of "greatness" is off, and that He uses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise and strong. because i also believe that as we grow in our knowledge of Him, and as we marry that knowledge with responses in our heart and actions, we will begin to see that God is the present reality, and the promises the world offers with persuasive sweetness will be anticlimactically unveiled as the ugly, rabid lies that they are.

praise God for freedom from worry & daily renewal of our minds. praise Him for being a God who cares about every area of our lives and is intimately involved in the present tense. praise Him for the joy and passions that He plants in our hearts.


sidenotes;
i have somehow managed to write for an hour and disregard my 11pm sleep time. this is what happens when i get carried away. why is it that my heart feels an unbearable need to word vomit its sentiments when i need to sleep -__-
i lav raw cucumbers

& also peanut butter
and eating clean
and good conversations with lnguyen
also i ate like 8 cough drops yesterday because it felt like there was a knife in my throat
& today i am so congested that when i breathe i sound like a dying monster from under your bed lols
where is all this mucous coming from? body, i do not appreciate this 3:<
i am congested hear me wheeze and trumpet and make all sorts of awful noises
창황 said that my haircut is the best of the three haircuts i have had during college. whooo