Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
i'm a weird, limbo-like mix of past, present, and future. i only have a few days in san diego before i move back home and life has been so busy that i haven't prioritized reflecting on my life up to this point. the different threads of my life are messy and confusing.
it's strange that when i think about the formative events of my growth, pain and grief are probably the loudest voices. my freshman and sophomore years were largely characterized by the messiness of loss as i dealt with the fallout of an abruptly severed friendship. i leaned heavily upon the steadfast presence of the lord who spoke tenderly to me and washed away names that were graffitied onto my heart: "stumbling block, unwanted." as i transitioned into sophomore year the lord led me deeper into his heart of justice as i developed a critical understanding of the world as it has been marred by sin. i was on fire, i burned bright and latched onto the word "pioneer." i heard the voice of the lord so clearly as he called me beloved after my seasons of loss and commissioned me to call out the belovedness of others whom he loves so dearly. my life never felt so lucid and directed and safe.
and then in the midst of the work, fresh and bright-eyed from my sojourn out to tenderloin, i was called back from the pain of others into deeper spirals of my own pain. i began my journey with my loving gentle-man who held my hand through months of discouragement, burnout, and heartache. i blundered through my justice work and cried for relief from the compounded hopelessness from broken relationships. from junior year to senior year i did not wait upon the lord. i pounded my fists and searched feverishly for release until i was lost in my own mess. self-examen did not save me, relationships did not save me, rest did not save me. i didn't wait upon the lord, but he waited for me. he brought healing not in grandeur but in the image of a small budding flower in dead dirt and in the face of jesus as he died and rose for me. and all of a sudden it was may, and i was fumbling through the last stretch of my undergraduate career. then june came around and there was great joy and also great, debilitating fear. there is no safety outside of my father's arms.
i am the most uncooperative patient under the doctor's care; i lie about my symptoms and run from the operating table and fight with the hand that means to heal me. i go to great lengths to give voice to my pain and protest change; i am grateful that he is also my father and holds me to his chest. i am of little faith and great fear but my creator calls me to joy and fearlessness. thank you jesus, you are worthy of my praise.
sidenotes;
shizz
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