rainy fridays

Showing posts with label shorty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shorty. Show all posts

12.06.2015

postgrad slowpoke


i can say no. i have the ability to say no. it is my prerogative to say no. i am allowed to say no. i have choices and options. nobody can corner or trap or pressure me into anything unless i let them. if someone throws a tantrum when i say no it is not my fault, it is on them. i am allowed to take care of myself. i do not have to bend over to defer to someone unconditionally. i can step back and turn around and go elsewhere, go wherever i want. all these things are hard to learn and i'm the slowest slowpoke when it comes to learning these things. time moves strangely after graduating

sidenotes;
what do you have for me in january?

11.30.2015

greedy


i want a job where i can work with youth, preferably at a nonprofit serving disadvantaged communities. i also want to move out to a place where i can have a private room and live with girls in the same life stage who aren't disgusting dirty and aren't loud. also somewhere that i can actually afford. what the heck is childlike faith. where is god in this idk i'm greedy and feel desperate and have baggy eyes

sidenotes;
bought la sportiva pythons bc my scarpa helix's rubber has holes. also ordered bridesmaid dress. and doing counseling and need/want a new laptop. wallet is sad ;_;

8.11.2015

unglamorous


postgrad life is as unglamorous as i expected it to be. it is like perpetual summertime, when i am undisciplined because i am unfettered from the guard rails of structure, schedules, demands and deadlines. moving back home is one of the hardest things i've had to do and it's hard to fight for joy and hope. when i look in the mirror i don't see a young woman who just graduated college and is okay with the uncertain future because she knows she is held safely in the hands of her heavenly father. instead i see a helpless and directionless adolescent who has no strength to hold onto the disciplines of the faith and little trust that it's okay to be hopeful for fear that it'll be taken away. life is hard to size up and it's harder to reflect on now. i also find that i have little fortitude and i realize that resilience comes at a high price 

sidenotes;
meh?? vat am I doing even???

10.24.2014

wordsmith


words are a tool. it is my heart that yields this tool and that can either be reassuring and life giving or terrifying and awful. sin is not sourced in my right eye to be plucked out or my right hand to be cut off, but rather sourced in my heart from which all things flow. maybe when words are difficult to come by it is to humble me and strip me of power

sidenotes;
so ya idk

8.13.2014

third culture, quadruple consciousness: the asian american church


i think about these things when i hear the term, "the asian american church": immigrants, first gen, second gen, intergenerational silence, forgotten history, unaddressed ethnic identity, insular focus, service driven, teaching driven, silent exodus, international missions, family brokenness and hurt. these resources have a wealth of knowledge:





4.22.2014

anchor: God's active outworking


Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. Psalm 127:1
god to david through nathan:
“Go and tell my servant David, ‘This is what the Lord says: Are you the one to build me a house to dwell in? I have not dwelt in a house from the day I brought the Israelites up out of Egypt to this day. I have been moving from place to place with a tent as my dwelling. Wherever I have moved with all the Israelites, did I ever say to any of their rulers whom I commanded to shepherd my people Israel, “Why have you not built me a house of cedar?”’ 2 Samuel 7:5-7
david's prayer in response:
“Lord Almighty, God of Israel, you have revealed this to your servant, saying, ‘I will build a house for you.’ So your servant has found courage to pray this prayer to you. Sovereign Lord, you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant.” 2 Samuel 7:27-28

"Waiting is a movement. People who wait have received a promise that allows them to wait. They have received something that is at work in them, like a seed that has started to grow. This is very important. We can only really wait if what we are waiting for has already begun for us. So waiting is never a movement from nothing to something. It is always a moving from something to something more.


Waiting is also active. Most of us think of waiting as something very passive, a hopeless state determined by events totally out of our hands. But none of this passivity marks the waiting in scripture. It is active, because in our waiting we know that something is growing from the ground on which we are standing. Active waiting means to be fully present to the moment in a conviction that something is happening where you are and you want to be present to it." -Henri Nouwen, “A Spirituality of Waiting”


God, as he has divinely revealed himself in the word, is a God who is actively and personally involved in this world. He claims all the glory not by stealing the credit of human labor -- but because he is the one who is laboring, and he presents us with the privilege to work alongside him in obedient participation. he prepares people for ministry (moses, joshua, david, joseph, samuel, etc); he makes the situation impossible so that it is clear that it was he who granted the israelites victory or rescue; he graciously emboldens and encourages those who are discouraged or fearful (joshua, elijah, gideon, jonah etc). this is the God i serve and he requires me to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with him. he requires me to love him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength - he does not command me to know everything that is going on, to control everything, to ensure that things go according to plan. he knows that it is beyond my limits to oversee results so to work for his glory is to let him shoulder the responsibility of the "results." he is the sole active pronoun in the bible and i worship him by the inner posture of rest and dependence that i adopt as i embrace the daily allotment of work he grants me. to forget that he was the one who brought me to this point or to forget that he has promised to be with me in the future is to fail to give him all the glory by my lack of utter dependence upon him.

sidenotes;
i think i am always thinking about what season i am in. maybe today i can just sit in the season and be still and know that he is God
also i think God grows me most in my utter dependence on him and so it is through pain, suffering, loss, failure, discouragement, etc. that he strips away my sense of wellbeing and security in other things so that it may rightfully rooted in him.
if i were to sum up how i've been feeling since coming back from sf, i'd hands down say "needy"

4.15.2014

processing vulnerability ii


there is much on my heart but i feel like i'm not wearing glasses because everything is kind of fuzzy. things i am processing through:

-we project our childhood wounds into the present. a useful tool is to differentiate how we interpret present situations from internalized lens of interpretation; the key is not the interpretation but rather the lens. what do the lens say about you?
-we may sometimes (often, or always) be unaware of the ways our childhood wounds inform the way we presently think, feel, and act. are you walking around unaware of your injuries while suffering the pain?
-while triggers of worthlessness and self-images of pride/worth seem diametrically opposite, they are indicators of the same wounds. we overcompensate because we are fearful creatures; the things that we lean upon as sources of reassurance and strength say more about our tender spots than about the things themselves.
-God uses present needs and emotional states as resurfaced symptoms of deeply rooted wounds; if we are attentive to the surrounding triggers that jarred our sense of emotional well-being, we'll see that we may be presented to an opportunity to pinpoint root issues.
-your needs are uniquely yours and not to be compared, exalted, diminished, dismissed, or otherwise hampered. give yourself permission to see your needs as sites of God's tenderness
EDIT// -how i understand love today may be directly related to how i understood being unloved

sidenotes;
i feel reaaaaally tired

2.28.2014

reminder


i would like to quickly remind myself that jesus associates with the most unlovable people, with the most socially ostracized, with those treated with disdain, dismissal, violence. and in no way shape or form are these people easy to love after they have been force fed this disdain, dismissal, and violence. these people are sick with pain; the toxin of self-rejection and self-hatred runs through their veins. what comes out is an expression of what is within. do not romanticize what it means to love the unlovable. do not pat yourself on the back for loving half-assed or for loving the loveable. and carve the memory of your most unlovely state into the caverns of your blood-paid heart. God loved you when you were yet his enemy.

sidenotes;
lol?

1.19.2014

heaven rushing


He says, "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

sometimes i am filled with an intense and incorruptible excitement and vision for the future. for God's work in broad social movements, for how he will use his servants to facilitate global political and economic shifts. i believe he is king of this world and that his plan is radical, thrumming with the resolute intent of spiritual redemption and reconciliation. i believe he works all things for the good of those who love him and for his ultimate glorification. the excitement grips all that i am with a fierce eagerness that i can only be still as i marvel. other times it becomes quiet embers as i write the emails and organize meetings and squint and stare at the nitty gritty which resolutely remain nitty gritty. but it's there, it's always there, and i can sit still always because i can wait upon the sound of marching upon the balsam trees. the sound of heaven rushing as a mighty wind. he is king of the universe and all will bow down, and i will follow as he goes before me.

sidenotes;
hehehehe

1.04.2014

oxygen of kingdom citizens


Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8

"The instruction in this text should not be lifted from its context...in the Sermon and abused...God [is not] a celestial slot machine. Pull the handle enough times in prayer, be persistent, and you will get what you want! Such thinking is entirely wrong! A text without a context is a pretext. Isolating this text from its setting in the Sermon on the Mount is deadly. The broad context of the Sermon sets down the surpassing righteousness, humility, sincerity, purity, and love expected of those who are members of the kingdom of God. These virtues are beyond human attainment apart from God's grace. The broad context underscores our need. In the immediately preceding context (vv. 1-6) Jesus has shown us the danger of condemning other people as if we were judges. He also has told us to get the plank out of our own eye before we attempt to remove a speck from someone else's. His warning is, 'For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you' (v. 2). This standard is terrifying. Who is adequate for such things? How can we live up to such a high standard? We need to be cleansed. We need help and grace, but from where? Jesus answers, 'Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you' (v. 7). This famous text is not carte blanche for our material desires. Rather, it tells us how to pray for the character of the kingdom in our lives. -Kent Hughes

There are at least three things that hinder us from going deeper in prayer. The first is the sneaking suspicion that prayer doesn’t matter. It’s easy to fall into a kind of fatalism that says 'God’s gonna do what God’s gonna do.' So we stop praying because we think nothing will change. Then there is the fear that we won’t pray in the 'right' way, that we won’t use the correct words or we won’t use the right formula and that God therefore won’t even bother to hear what we say. Finally most of us struggle with the little voice inside that tells us we’ve got more important things to do. Prayer is good but we need to get on with the 'real business' of the day. So we don’t pray as we ought or as we would like. Ray Pritchard

Ask (aiteo) means to ask for with urgency, even to the point of demanding. Aiteo more frequently suggests attitude of a suppliant means to makes a humble, earnest plea or entreaty), the petitioning of one who is lesser in position than he to whom the petition is made. To ask means to to call on for an answer, which indicates that we believe there is someone (our Father) listening. It also implies that we expect Him to answer or otherwise why ask?

Seek (zeteo) means to attempt to learn something by careful investigation or searching,  to desire to have or experience something or to try to obtain something from someone. Seeking is asking plus acting, implying earnest petitioning coupled with an active endeavoring to fulfill needs.

Knock (krouo) means to rap at a door for entrance and thus implies an even greater and more repetitive intensity than either asking or seeking. The English word "knock" comes from German word meaning to press!...The idea might imply praying in the face of difficulty and even resistance. If you knock like this, your desire for entrance must be very great indeed.

Note the ascending degree of intensity from asking then to seeking and finally to overtly knocking! Each of these verbs is in the present imperative, which is a command to do each of these activities continually. Jesus is calling for persistence in prayer. Prayer is as necessary to us as oxygen to our life. Prayer is the lifeline for citizens of the Kingdom of heaven who are still on earth and as such it expresses our continued dependence on Him as we beseech Him for the grace and power to live the supernatural life of surpassing righteousness that Jesus has described in this Sermon. In order to live out the righteousness we must ask and keep asking, seek and keep seeking and knock and keep knocking.

Kingdom citizens persist in desiring that the character, ambitions, attitudes, and behavior that Jesus called for be shown consistently in our lives. Yet we realize how impossible this is given our weaknesses, our propensity for sin, and our lack of power to obey (we have not forgotten the first Beatitude – 'blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven'). So our Lord tells us to call upon the God of the impossible! In other words, what Jesus has commanded in attitude, ambition, behavior, and deed cannot be done apart from persistent, ongoing, regular, faithful prayer.

Asking suggests dependence; seeking suggests yearning; knocking suggests persistence.

The potency of prayer has subdued the strength of fire, it has bridled the rage of lions, hushed anarchy to rest, extinguished wars, appeased the elements, expelled demons, burst the chains of death, expanded the fates of heaven, assuaged diseases, dispelled frauds, rescued cities from destruction, stayed the sun in its course, and arrested the progress of the thunderbolt. There is (in it) an all-sufficient panoply, a treasure undiminished, a mine which is never exhausted, a sky unobscured by clouds, a heaven unruffled by the storm. It is the root, the fountain, the mother of a thousand blessings! Beloved do I really believe this? Better yet do I really believe what Jesus promises to those who ask, seek and knock? My (and your) answer to this question will not be evidenced by a simple 'yes' or 'no' but by the 'calluses (or lack of) on our knees' so to speak!)"

i ask because i lack the capacity to obey you. because i feel the wayward and chaotic strains of my wandering heart that is prone to leave the god i love. i ask because you are my heavenly father and you look at me and see your treasured, precious daughter. i seek because i can't see in the dark, because i am desperate and recognition of my need has driven me from a posture of asking to movement - left, right, up, down: the answer must exist therefore i am seeking. i am knocking because i have found the source but it is hidden from me behind the kindness of your wooden doors which say "wait." but it's there, behind closed doors, and i will knock in a manner of expectancy and eagerness and hope characteristic of a daughter who knows she is loved by her father. i will knock because you promised to open the doors and because i am loved by my king who delights in me, who delights in fulfilling his promises to me, who delights in giving gifts to me as he molds me into christ's likeness. give me battered and callused and bruised knees.

sidenotes;
into the fray

1.02.2014

object of my hope

source

"ruth 1:13
ii. If Naomi was bitter or angry against God, she probably would have gone another way - further from the God of Israel, rather than back to Him. Instead, she showed that she trusted the sovereignty of God, and knew that despite her personal calamities, He is a good God who blesses.

iii. What Naomi could not see is that the hand of the LORD would go out for her shortly! There is never reason for us to despair if we believe the hand of the LORD has gone out against me. If we will return to Him, His hand will go out for us again! Naomi had no idea - not the slightest - of how greatly God was going to bless her in a short time.


ruth 1:21
d. The Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me . . . the LORD has brought me home again empty . . . the LORD has testified against me: Naomi was not afraid to see the hand of God in all her calamity.

i. Naomi knew that the tragedy that came into her life was not because of fate, chance, or blind fortune. She felt the tragedies were an example of God’s affliction because she could not see the end of His plan. But she knew there was a sovereign God of heaven, and didn’t think she had just run into a string of “bad luck.”

ii. Yet, in the midst of all these bitter circumstances, Naomi was not bitter against the LORD. We can imagine one of the villagers asking, “Naomi, if God has dealt very bitterly with you, if the LORD has brought you home empty, if the LORD has testified against you, then why have you come back?” And she would have said, “Because I want to get right with Him again. Things have been terrible, and the answer isn’t in going further from God, but in drawing closer to Him.”

iii. Not everyone reacts to trials the way Naomi did. “Many are humbled, but not humble; low, but not lowly. These have lost the fruit of their afflictions . . . and are therefore most miserable.” (Trapp)

ruth 2:1
ii. Sometimes we justify wrong choices because of difficult circumstances. But God will strengthen us, and bless us, to make the right choice, even in difficult circumstances.

ruth 2:2-3
ii. Many times when we are really walking in the Spirit, we can only see the invisible hand of God by looking back. If we spend too much time trying to look for His hand ahead of us, we can make problems for our self." Guzik commentary

"I've always found it curious that this proclamation of the Lord's never-ceasing and ever-new mercies and faithfulness is nested in the context of lament over God's sending Israel into exile for her unfaithfulness. This last year, as we studied Judges and saw how even God's punishment of Israel for her idolatry was a reflection of his faithfulness to the covenant he made with his people, and a consequence of his lovingly acting for their good and his glory, I was reminded of the daily faithfulness of God and newness of his mercies. And it strikes me that the context of this passage is a perfect reflection of God's faithfulness in every season.

Thank God that he is a living and active God, whose love and mercy never come to an end, even in meting out just punishment, as he is ever faithful to his character, to his Word. Therefore I will hope in him." -pnick

if i could only see. if i could squeeze hope out of my bones, wash off the fear that clings to my skin, throw it at the obstinate blankness which lingers in my path. where is your redemption in families? vision? obedience? surrender? sacrifice? if i cry out for a fortune telling will you instead increase my faith? i guess there is no hope in my bones, and that's why i must desperately stake all of me in a hope outside of me. i ask because i lack. i'm asking, i'm seeking, i'm knocking.

sidenotes;
ahm nitty gritty

on another note, i am presently feeling particularly affectionate of my dearest friends ahhhh

12.20.2013

ever richer fruit


We are women, and my plea is Let me be a woman, holy through and through, asking for nothing but what God wants to give me, receiving with both hands and with all my heart whatever that is. Elisabeth Elliot

Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts. Elisabeth Elliot

Faith's most severe tests come not when we see nothing, but when we see a stunning array of evidence that seems to prove our faith vain. Elisabeth Elliot

"to be a woman is to have suffered. 

I can’t really explain why I think this is true. But I think I never felt so much the fragility of being a woman with the weight of the decisions of men in my life as I have recently. If womanhood was a skin, it took a cold, pouring ice rainstorm to step into it." -v.perng

when i ask for vision my trembling heart is asking for a forecast, a fortune telling, an easy way out. for blessed release from this -- how nearsighted of me though, to ask for "happy escape" from the suffering that God himself has carefully ordained for me. the suffering of obeying him when it's difficult to die to myself. as i survey my life i see clearly the hand of the great physician grasping the tool of suffering as it hems me in and as it readies me to bear fruit. when i ask for vision, give me precisely this gift: vision of your greater will in this. ever deeper roots, ever sweeter communion, ever richer fruit. this i ask for soberly.

my fragile fingers have a slippery and timid hold on a foundational understanding of present suffering. my hindsight understanding of suffering is solid, but sometimes in the present, the pain is all up in my face in an obnoxious and unrelenting manner. who has ever grown great faith except through great trials? through blood, sweat, tears.


sidenotes;
tonight i feel winded

10.15.2013

new vocab


words i would like to tell my younger self regarding relationships lol:

-be deliberate, be intentional [full of intent, full of dedication to the vision], choose to [verb], accept responsibility,
-be attentive to fruit, observe growth, point out growth, nourish growth,
-enable, spur, build,
-honor, trust, communicate,
-enjoy, delight, adore, cherish, treasure
-let life, pursue healthiness, be a student of tenderness, love well, receive well, flourish, enrich others, bless, be blessed

sidenotes;
learning as i go. the "end of history" illusion is so trippy because reading my older posts is kind of super embarrassing ughhh
i'm so annoying, omq
jan 2013: relationships
march 2010: sweeter song
this is my 300th post, lol

10.10.2013

reminders to self


1) remember his faithfulness
2) breathe
3) determine to jealously guard your time of rest
4) inhale his grace
5) let people love on you
6) twenty four hours are unfortunately shorter than your perception lets on
7) take precautions when your spirit is running on low and people become more so unwelcome energy leeches than they are people to love on
8) be attentive to resurfacing cries of need because it is october and it is that time of year

sidenotes;
meep
i am rather enjoying the multidimensional, overlapping, intersecting, interwoven, and very dynamic nature of this season of life although i am sick & in need of sleep. i'm seeing how god has carefully (and unexpectedly) expanded my energy reserves so that i may be able to maintain shallow conversations for longer and maintain prolonged doses of people interaction. i'm seeing that god has audaciously emboldened me to take initiative in building my network; i'm seeing that this whole thing is a two way process, and that precisely because god provides and enables and sustains, i must likewise respond by receiving and acting.

10.01.2013

strange and vulnerable


it is a strange and vulnerable, uncertain and wonder-full thing to receive, as if it were a virtue to refuse and maintain a posture of giving -- a posture which stinks of self-appointed sufficiency and underlying floods of need and brokenness, masked in the facade of humility. so vulnerable. because when we receive we open ourselves to great suffering; we become a candidate for heartbreak. but when have we ever not been candidates for heartbreak? let us be eager volunteers, striding forth into vulnerability and humility as we partake in Christ's vision and allow Him as a man of sorrows to tenderly speak into our sufferings. will we allow Him to be near us in our suffering, & allow that aspect of His character as comforter standing in solidarity to be made real to us? how else than through suffering, vulnerability, heartache. we are such timid creatures terrified of pain and suffering, and i am grateful for a God who sings victory and fearlessness over us, whose perfect love, which subjected Him to the greatest posture of vulnerability in history, casts out fear

on another note, i am presently aware of a inner resilience not of my own, preventing panic and dismay from caving in upon my heart as i foray into the roles of influence that He has so graciously placed into my lap. i am also presently aware of a quiet voice that says "peace. step forth because i have ordained all of this. i have placed certain people in your life to speak and act my love to you -- others, i have not. i have placed certain positions of leadership into your hands not because of your abilities but because i will be doing the work and i choose you to see it all. let them love, let me lead. follow me."

sidenotes;
i have a cluster headache ):
God is moving!

9.26.2013

gomer


how desperately we need His grace. He loves us when we think we are god. He loves us when we spit in his face and don't even know it because we're busy polishing our own images for a perverted sense of gratification. He loves us when we unceremoniously chuck him onto the rusty back burner - what injustice, what shortsightedness, what vileness, what wretchedness! this is a God who told hosea to love gomer. he told hosea to choose gomer everyday and to consciously and wholeheartedly make gomer the object of his desire. this is the God who loves us and we are so, so in need of His grace

sidenotes;
like sweet rain on my heart
also welcome week i'm so tired are you done yet

ten ways to love:
"speak without accusing james 1:19
pray without ceasing colossians 1:9
promise without forgetting proverbs 13:12
give without sparing proverbs 21:26
answer without arguing proverbs 17:1
trust without wavering corinthians 13:7
share without pretending eph 4:15
enjoy without complaint philippians 2:14
forgive without punishing colossians 3:13
listen without interrupting proverbs 18"

9.09.2013

summed up


this morning i woke up and rolled like a dying zombie onto my side, surveying the events of my life (because i often do this because i donno) in a groggy attempt to stay awake. and after a shower and some breakfast i came to realize that God's work in my life thus far can be summed up in the following statement:

struggles and heartbreaks are the avenues through which God makes my heart more tender and enlarges its capacity to readily step into the pain of others: starting with pain that i understand and expanding to pain i don't necessarily understand. & He does this because Jesus, as a man of sorrow, saw me in my wretchedness and determined to make me lovely, and so he stepped into my wretchedness and became my wretchedness. he gently and radically embraces me in a love that i in turn dwell in - i wash myself in it, i clothe myself in it, i inhale it. & as i exhale, it is His sustaining love coursing through my veins that blesses others with its rich fragrance as it has blessed and protected and saved me. He is my perfume, my sustenance. God is so good to me.

sidenotes;
< 3 my heart
also, painting with my silly sister is therapeutic
my silly brother is great because he takes pictures with me
& my "when helping hurts" & "life together" arrived YESSSs

edit// 9.10.13 bought a new outfit, & found awesome social justice books at the library
today was a good day (:

8.31.2013

hardest


hardest person for me to love, ever

sidenotes;
iono fam

8.26.2013

left field


my heart? wait how did this happen i'm so confused

sidenotes;
lol

8.24.2013

ten times harder


why is it that i love speaking truth and encouragement to everyone else but when it comes to myself it's ten times harder this is so dumb

sidenotes;
so dumb

history