learning to dream part v

i enjoy reading my old posts. it's simultaneously embarrassing and encouraging, hilarious and grounding. i learn from my old self. it's also a slightly out-of-body experience to reflect on how we experience time in different periods of our lives: during college time was jam packed with events and afterwards, time began to feel outstretched or like a callous impasse. it was only when i learned to set signposts for myself that i began to once again feel like i was moving towards something.

since my last post in 2013 (wow): i have seen a burgeoning movement of christians hungry for a holistic, justice/compassion-minded gospel. i am not going to berkeley for grad school but i am going to ucla where plenty of critically minded scholars are. i haven't gotten a new sony body, but i have added two more lens to my collection. i did get better at bouldering (but i also got injured in 2015 and it became chronic), i did buy a roadbike, and i did run a half marathon.

what do i dream of now? marriage. also a doggo. developing relationships with the ES now coalition, and working to build more ES programs in socal. getting a phd one day to teach ES in cc or university settings. seeing e get his nursing degree(s).

i dream of full recovery of my pip joint injury; i dream that i will not stop running or climbing or biking. i would like to visit as many (or every) national park. my dreams have changed in scope; they have become more career/hobby/marriage oriented. idk if that's good or bad, i think it just is what it is.

nov 2013 part iv
april 2012 part iii
nov 2011 part ii
feb 2011 part i

sidenotes;
this blogspot is kind of like a time capsule.
today's eunice enjoys poke, finally is able to run an almost 8 min mile, has had to deal with a finger injury for over 2 years, has learned a lot about the transience of friendships and also of human character/values, feels more focused than ever on the goals of the next handful of years, enjoys podcasts, can do 8 pull ups, and also enjoys shows like mr. robot, westworld, and legion.

dreams pt iv

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i haven't done this in a very long time, and since the last time i did it, i have been burnt out, discouraged, and eventually became hopeless. it's interesting to see that some of my past dreams did come to fruition: namely the nationwide revival (more like nationwide awareness of racial injustice), seeing several SAMI branches being started, doing the campus wide social justice cafe night, and watching the ethnic studies now! coalition advocating for ethnic studies classes throughout california. i did not end up going back for berkeley for that internship i applied for, nor did i meet the activists i wanted to meet. instead i got an internship in san diego and met different people who eventually were the same people to write emails to congratulate me for graduating and to welcome the new sami leadership. i can now climb v5's and 5.11a-d's, and i did get a road bike that i named cariño. i did not run a half marathon yet.

i decided against starting a stationery business because i prefer using my art to bless people individually and not to earn money off of it. i'm not currently writing any novels, but i am writing an article for inheritance magazine. i didn't get a new camera, but i did get the chance to take photos for inheritance.

i still dream of rescuing two dogs. i also look forward to seeing younger girls become admirable and driven women of god who will in turn invest in other ladies. i dream of getting married. i also dream of teaching ethnic studies in a community college setting, and perhaps getting acquainted with the ethnic studies requirement that is being rolled out in lausd. i wonder why i do not feel like i have the emotional scope or willingness to dream on such a large scale anymore. i don't know what else to dream for. i dream to see my friend a.m. follow jesus.

november 2013 part iv
april 2012 part iii
nov 2011 part ii
feb 2011 part i

sidenotes;

san diego

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things i miss from san diego:

1) the girls

2) dates with e in sd

3) double dates with gy & jc!

4) vh community

5) the weather

6) running at the beach

7) my apartment porch quiet times

8) the breakfast/brunch places

9) my ethnic studies friends

10) lexi!

11) pnick's messages

things i appreciate this summer:

1) short distance dating

2) short distance friendships

3) my clean room

4) time with e2 and j3

5) a part time job

6) biking around irvine

7) my car

8) not paying rent

9) trip to dc

10) sleeping in my bed

blog list

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chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage

multiculturalfamily.co

grievingbygrace.wordpress.com

samlouie.wordpress.com/category/asian-shame

christianitydaily.com/articles/5261/20150803/honor-thy-father-mother.htm

sidenotes;

learning and stuff

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-learning the ropes of my new jobs

-learning how to love e short distance

-learning how to love mom

-learning how to grieve the loss of old friendships

-learning how to transition from short to long distance friendships

-want to relearn how to trust god's intricate work in the minutiae of my life

-learning how to budget

-learning how to make friends not my way lols

sidenotes;

yay for new candle with chri, purge cleaning and redecorating with joshua, making kimbap with family, spending time with e, sleeping with three pillows, biking around irvine, doing pullups, and stuff ya lol

learning to dream part iv

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Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

i started this series during a season in which i was "learning to dream" in a liberated manner that sidestepped the realm of idolatry, heartsickness, and disappointment: i envisioned the future, listened to my heart's desires, allowed my imagination to have free reign, and in all these things, i acknowledged god as sovereign lord over my dreams, my desires, my future. i have seen how good he is in orchestrating everything in my life, how tender he is in showing me how he pursues and loves me as he molds my desires & prunes me so that i may bear much fruit. with that said, here's a snapshot of my dreams now.

i dream of a girls revival conference for sexual redemption and purity. also a conference addressing mother-daughter relationships. i dream to see a nationwide revival regarding christians in their understanding of a holistic gospel that calls us to be socially aware, to be community oriented, to have neighborhood theology, to be justice and mercy-minded, to be relentlessly seeking creative ways in which god may want to restore brokenness and right the injustices in our immediate sphere of influence. i dream of seeing SAMI branches across california. i dream of a campus-wide social justice night for christians this year. i dream of seeing social justice programs incorporated into high school curriculum. i dream that one day, in my lifetime, i will see massive upheaval in the prison system. on the scale of the civil rights movement.

i dream of going to berkeley for a summer internship, & eventually going to berkeley for grad school. i dream of meeting angela davis, ruthie wilson gilmore, and michelle alexander.

i dream of rescuing two dogs. also adopting foster children. i dream of starting a stationery business when i'm done with my degrees, and of writing novels in my free time. i dream of getting a sony nex7, and/or a canon 5d mark ii or a canon 7d. i aspire to become good at bouldering. and to get a roadbike, and run a half marathon.

i dream of seeing younger girls become admirable and driven women of god who will in turn invest in other ladies, be life-giving encouragers, be blessings for brothers, and be missions-minded servants/leaders in their respective spheres of influence.

april 2012 part iii
nov 2011 part ii
feb 2011 part i

sidenotes;
blessed
loved

p.s. tonight: coffee, ice cream, pineapples, pesto pasta (aka any food to keep me occupied). gonna be a long night. midterms make me fat
edit// thurs 5:30am; third all nighter in the past two weeks. not sure how i'm still alive, but i'm alive & my brain is functioning strangely well. why am i most productive from 4-6am. dumb. also god is so good to me, because i will finish this essay on time and class is cancelled tomorrow and yessssss

also woah, so many people getting into relationships. so trippy and surreal, pls

i must be really super non-impressionable lol, because people i work with never remember who i am. welp wallflower forever

toxic

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how blinding and toxic and deadening and pitiful is entitlement when it is not cast out from our blood, when it remains all that we understand. when everything we don’t understand is seen through the distorted lens of entitlement, when we become (remain?) diseased slaves to it. when decay ferments inside our hearts and all that comes out of our mouths is complaint and criticism and discontentment. when we unceremoniously dismiss the richness of suffering, and shake our petulant fists at the good God. when jesus becomes an afterthought, second to whatever we have assigned more worthy of our immediate attention. when we declare ourselves too dignified for a posture of helplessness: on our knees, on our faces, hands splayed out, cries wailing out. instead we sit on our thrones and stick our noses in the air, telling everyone we are gods. that we don’t deserve this

sidenotes;
for breakfast i had a coffee banana milkshake & a boiled egg. for lunch i had dill salmon, roasted carrots, & brown sugar carmelized butternut squash. i made some ginger sesame chicken soup for my very sick roommate in the afternoon. & for dinner i had basil hummus, avocado & alfalfa sprouts on buttermilk bread, topped with lemon pepper, lemon olive oil. food makes me happy. tonight i am listening to robin thicke's ancient albums (which are infinitely better than his new ones), while writing essays for my summer internship application. tonight god is sweet to me :) tomorrow is october 31. tomorrow god will be sweet to me, too.

edit// p.s., i am passionate. hire me. pls
/being facetious

also it is 2am, and i am wide awake. this must be a God thing.
it is now 6am, and i am going to bed.

second death week live updates

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sunday 5am // to bed i go

monday 2:24am // i'm feeling pretty despondent about my life right now lol. why skewl
monday 3:41am // so miserable
monday 5:30am // sad lyfe

tuesday 11:47pm // heartbreak is really messy. these past four years i have learned how messy emotional investment and how close it hits home and how it's like walking a tight rope to navigate through it all except it's more like falling from the tightrope and fighting for life in the raging waters and losing strength and letting the current take you while you stare blankly at the sky. i've also learned how nobody talks about it openly. and i donno how good that is because i'm starting to wonder what things would be like if older sisters invested in younger sisters more actively. also i'm really sleep deprived and i'm relatively more dramatic and snarky when i lack sleep don't take me 100% seriously

wednesday 2:23pm // i just realized that i forgot to go to a class yesterday how did i forget to go to class how i don't understand. also facebook makes me so discontent guh

thursday 4:00am // hahahahahhaha it's 4am hahahahaha
thursday 12:00pm // i am so fail i woke up at 10am guhhh. praise god though, i was able to word vomit four pages in two hours which is... twice the speed i usually write. not sure about the quality but at this point i don careee
thursday 2:15pm // wau cutting it so close. i officially dislike apple computers omq. regardless TWO ESSAYS & TWO PRESENTATIONS DONE, TWO MORE ESSAYS &THREE MORE FINALS TO GO

crayons, porcupines, and love

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this is by no means a comment that implies anything beyond the superficial meaning, but just for the sake of saying it & because it is probably too blunt/insincere to post on my tumblr with a considerably larger audience, here is my snide comment for the day: my insides feebly wither when i sit next to people who by no fault of their own (i hope) smell like rotten crayons in a simmering vat of human sweat.

also sometimes i feel like a volatile porcupine on the verge of im/explosion for no other reason except that sometimes, when i really just want to sit in my bed and read, edit photos, listen to music, & write, any form of interruption (involving socializing) stresses me out; when does the blessed command of meditation in solitude become selfish? am i sinning if i recognize my limitations in loving, if i prioritize solitude over spending time with others? when introspection becomes a self-centered justification for unloving attitudes towards others, it is not so much that introspection is at fault but that introspection merely becomes a vehicle through which our inner sinfulness is manifested. i suppose it emphasizes how necessary inward discernment is, because God looks at the unspoken murmurings of our hearts. & if i have not love, i am just a clanging cymbal -- loud, obnoxious, annoying, meaningless. i am reminded once again the "why" and "how" behind loving others starts with Jesus, is sustained by Jesus, and ends with Jesus.

also pondering the idea that besides the reality of our purpose to know God & make Him known, we are put in our respective spheres of influence to be a blessing to people; i am pleasantly surprised by the joy that comes with the reframing question, "how can i be a blessing to someone today?" the subsequent ponderings of which sheds light on how often we (or at least, i) foster our proclivities towards obsessing over how other people fail to show us love.

& finally -- it brings me so much joy to throw my whole being into this project. in so many ways, it embodies all of my skills and simultaneously engages my heart. i can use my vbs directing experience, use my passion for brokenness & people, & use my love of strategically using words so as to evoke emotions and actions in others.

sidenotes;
WEEK 10 FRENZY LESGO
want to cut my hair again lol

gratitude

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sometimes i am sorely tempted to claim presumptuously and dramatically that i am "well acquainted with the night." this week has been a blur of perturbing ups and downs: my anxiety at rigoberto's, my apartment mate's unexplained return home, my room mate's family pain, losing my ID card, losing my sociology notes, hearing his name over and over this week, getting feverish last night.

but by His grace, i feel the knot in my heart melting away by the remembrance of His love and faithfulness. i am left with an overwhelming sense of peace and gratitude and there is little else i want to do but continue reading for my wonderfully thought-provoking/eye-opening/mind-blowing classes, bake muffins, and hug everyone.

nothing happened at rigoberto's -- although afterwards, my sinful propensity towards self-pity was humbled by an encouraging email i received. my apartment mate returned and i realized that my fears were largely unfounded. i am so thankful that i get to walk through life with my roomie. i found my ID card in my jacket pocket, i restored my sociology notes, and i am no longer sick. God has given me so much joy in baking for people and every time a stranger smiles or says hi, my heart can't help but feel uplifted. God is so good to me a;ksjd;f < 3 it is well with my soul.

It is good to praise the Lord

and make music to your name, O Most High,

proclaiming your love in the morning

and your faithfulness at night,

For you make me glad by your deeds, Lord;

I sing for joy at what your hands have done.

How great are your works, Lord,

how profound your thoughts!

The righteous will flourish like a palm tree,

they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon;

planted in the house of the Lord,

they will flourish in the courts of our God.

They will still bear fruit in old age,

they will stay fresh and green,

proclaiming, “The Lord is upright;

he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him.”
Psalm 92:1-2, 4-5, 12-15

sidenotes;
to bake: carrot cream cheese muffins, blueberry streusel muffins, chocolate banana muffins :)

randoms

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“Every time I catch myself trying to figure out other people's motives, I'll stop and ask myself: "What did I say or do that prompted the action? Why did I react to it as I did? Does what happened make a major difference to me, or am I making something big out of a trifle?"
Leave off that excessive desire of knowing; therein is found much distraction There are many things the knowledge of which is of little or no profit to the soul.” 
-Thomas Kempis

sidenotes;
mm, this this this. be still, o my heart.
currently listening: blue fire & ariel by stateless
currently reading: on keeping the heart by flavel
currently making: flyers for harvest

gonna eat peruvian food with cacahead tomorrow. so freaking excited !!

summer

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i've sneezed at least ten times and visited the bathroom six times in the past few hours since coming to the library to blow my nose because allergies are no bueno. other than that though, i love sitting here, writing my king lear essay while i drink my peach white tea & discreetly people watch. there's a kid running around carrying piles of picture books; he sits in the middle of nowhere, reads one outloud, ("i don wannit in a house, i dun wannit ina car" -green eggs & ham) & then promptly scurries to another location to read another book. there's a cute elderly couple reading chinese newspapers next to me and a few hours ago, there was a pretty lady who surprised me with her response when i asked her if anyone was sitting here: "nobody, you are!"

i love summer 'cause i don't have to wake up at ungodly hours. i get to make breakfast with my brother (bread with eggs, green bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, & ham with a orange, grapefruit, & mango smoothie) and bake strawberry shortcake cookies with my siblings and make spring rolls for the first time. i get to take a photoshoot of my carenotes with adorable tiny easels i bought from michael's. i get to meet up with friends and read for fun and paint a blackberry with acrylics on tiny 5x6 canvas.

summer is great ((:

learning to dream part iii

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i now have my own sony5n & i love it more than i would a dslr. (: i can speak conversational korean. i have seen so much divine orchestration in many areas of my life, one of which is so fully covered by God's fingerprints that it takes my breath away. i can now run 5k, and i am scheduled for a 5k mud race this coming saturday! i have gotten to know many of the harvest sisters better. there has been hints of faith in my brief correspondences with f.h. & l.c., and i'm excited for where that will take us.

i want to take photography and sketching classes through ucsd extension. i would still very much like to be a neuroscience/physiology major with a human development minor. i'm curious about studying abroad, at dartmouth or u.k. or korea.

i'd like to open my own stationery business over the summer. i want to train up to a half marathon. i still want a toller & an aussie when i grow up. i dream and pray that people in my life will come before christ in brokenness & full surrender.

i want to go on missions in asia through omf. i'd like to pursue physical therapy or veterinary studies, maybe. i want to learn greek.

i am excited for what He has in store (:

[ learning to dream part ii ]