ever richer fruit

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We are women, and my plea is Let me be a woman, holy through and through, asking for nothing but what God wants to give me, receiving with both hands and with all my heart whatever that is. Elisabeth Elliot

Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts. Elisabeth Elliot

Faith's most severe tests come not when we see nothing, but when we see a stunning array of evidence that seems to prove our faith vain. Elisabeth Elliot

"to be a woman is to have suffered. 

I can’t really explain why I think this is true. But I think I never felt so much the fragility of being a woman with the weight of the decisions of men in my life as I have recently. If womanhood was a skin, it took a cold, pouring ice rainstorm to step into it." -v.perng

when i ask for vision my trembling heart is asking for a forecast, a fortune telling, an easy way out. for blessed release from this -- how nearsighted of me though, to ask for "happy escape" from the suffering that God himself has carefully ordained for me. the suffering of obeying him when it's difficult to die to myself. as i survey my life i see clearly the hand of the great physician grasping the tool of suffering as it hems me in and as it readies me to bear fruit. when i ask for vision, give me precisely this gift: vision of your greater will in this. ever deeper roots, ever sweeter communion, ever richer fruit. this i ask for soberly.

my fragile fingers have a slippery and timid hold on a foundational understanding of present suffering. my hindsight understanding of suffering is solid, but sometimes in the present, the pain is all up in my face in an obnoxious and unrelenting manner. who has ever grown great faith except through great trials? through blood, sweat, tears.


sidenotes;
tonight i feel winded

depth under scrutiny

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"The heart must be the first, chief, constant object of solicitude to the Christian. It is this which God sees, and because God principally looks at it, the heart must be ever uppermost in our concern.

...To keep the heart must mean exerting ourselves with great earnestness, in dependence upon Divine grace, to preserve it in a good state; laboring to preserve its vitality, vigor, and purity.

...The heart is the citadel of the soul. If this is neglected, the enemy at the gates will soon be in and take possession. Set a watch, therefore, upon the heart. Let the sentinel be never off duty, nor sleeping at his post." -Proverbs 4:23 Commentary

i am navigating through life consisting of very human people with wildly different richness/color/depth/multidimensional/multifaceted quality of inner life. in doing so i am increasingly filled with an itching curiosity about the following things:

-our unique journeys to understanding vulnerability: do we demean it? do we value it? do we fear it? do we avoid it? do we idolize it? do we live in it? is it characterized by Christ-like humility? or is it characterized by an ill-begotten plea for self-victimizing, self-serving attention?
-our unique ways of individually experiencing and processing things i.e. emotions, thoughts, struggles, praises - aka the nitty gritty of life: how long does it take to process individually? which voices weigh most influentially during the processing? what blinds us in the process? what is our inner endurance level? all or nothing, chunk by chunk, not at all? what are the instruments of articulation and organization: writing, talking, silence?
-our unique ways of turning an insular gaze to an outreaching, sharing posture: what is our understanding of the meaning we attach to sharing? where did this understanding come from? is it biblical?
-our unique ways of seeking guidance/help: who are our peers? our mentors? our paul's, our barnabas's, our timothy's? who are our safe people? are they really safe?
-our unique ways of not doing any of the above
-self-perception of pride enlaced into our being: how are we deceiving ourselves through justification and/or victimization? how are we failing to make the connection between certain suffering/brokenness and our own responsibility/sinfulness/pride? because when has pride ever not been a factor, ever. how can we be real with others if we can't be real with ourselves.
-is it possible for some people to be vacant. i guess so. please help me understand because i'm so confused. do i have to understand to love? i guess not. but it helps. and i'm still confused at the end of the day help meee

sidenotes;
"nasar" (guard): to guard, protect, keep, obey; observe, behold, watch, inspect
can we please delve into the deep and dark and scary together? we can pioneer it togetherrrr. help slay each other's monsters & help hold the lantern for each other. take the night time watch while one of us naps before the morning onslaught. chip away at mildew, at pests, at cancerous growths. because we're all gross inside, who ever said your gross is worse than mine. nobody that's who.

feeling inhibited and pushy and helpless

also being at home makes me gain weight ughhh

developing my chops

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“A good head and good heart are always a formidable combination. But when you add to that a literate tongue or pen, then you have something very special.” Nelson Mandela

"I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it.Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good, either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be." Roald Dahl

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." MLKjr

"The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger is met." Frederick Buechner

"I tell my students, 'When you get these jobs that you  have been so brilliantly trained for, just remember that your real job is that if you are free, you need to free somebody else. If you have some power, then your job is to empower somebody else. This is not just a grab-bag candy game." Toni Morrison

yesterday at the conferencia, prof said that he sees my trajectory, and he hears my chops developing. he said i should own it, and that i can't say that know what i am doing -- because the thing is, i do know what i'm doing. thanks prof, for believing in me. and because i am gangly and awkward as i grow into activism, here are questions that i am working on being able to eloquently verbalize; inciting people to action is like an acting job.

why are we, the most information savvy generation, also the most politically inarticulate and ignorant generation? why do we consume information being thrown at us in such a greedy, desperate, and uncritical manner? where is our filter? why do we assume things to be truth? why are our hearts so numb and difficult to incite to action? what creates the strange, foggy disconnect between knowledge and action? between individual action and collective action?

the prison system is eerily and disgustingly reminiscent of the horrific system that was "prohibited" in 1865; we can feel the echoes of entrenched historical infrastructures and ideologies looming over our shoulders, disguised and advertised differently - simultaneously more banaly, more insidiously.

let us aggressively and intentionally challenge the ways we think as we dream change, demand change, and make change. [let us be critically examining what change we envision to be the ideal - does the projected ideal coincide with God's heart for justice (restorative and punitive) on an individual and societal level?] i shudder to think of how shameful it would be if future generations look back to see us not only in our ignorance and inaction but in our uncritical albeit eager floundering. let us be people of dogged perseverance, creative fire, and unquenchable hope, and critically sober thoughts.

sidenotes;
intrepid, tireless, resolute

praise: thank you God, for having mom & n.hsieh call me after 5ish hours of sleep so that i can study. thank you for being my personal alarm clock, because everyone knows i can't wake up to my alarms.

buckling down / zeal

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On the day I needed You, I called, and You responded

    and infused my soul with strength. Psalm 138:3

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

I delight greatly in the Lord;
    my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
    and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. Isaiah 61:10

i find myself mentally buckling down for what's going to be a long journey (with an initiation rite of sorts, filled with uncomfortable and merciless and inevitable growth pains) of transitioning into an adult relationships with the hardest people (person) in my life. this i do with fluctuating reactions: a gritting of teeth, a weary and accepting sigh, a leary tensing in my chest. humility, doggedness, resilience, bold defiance to sin and apathy. a bold defiance that i must step into timidly like a stranger's jacket. brace for impact, steel myself. i liken the image of "steeling myself" with wolverine, and the infusing of adamantium into his skeleton, with an unbelievable amount of pain that i am blindly and weakly bracing myself for. if only i was as cool as wolverine lol. i am grateful that he makes me bold - that in his mysterious fashion, he really truly entirely makes the frame of my body - my heart, my mind, my strength, my soul - characteristic of this curious (non)material that is boldness. i am daughter to a king of lovingkindness and longsuffering gentleness who clothes me in righteousness; how warm, how sweet, how secure is this blessed assurance. oh, my heart, how loved you are!

question; why is "idealistic" entrenched in premeditated connotations of unrealistic, irrational, childish? what marked the shift from a very realistic hope which echoes of paradise to an oppressive, dreary, and disillusioned "realism" of "adults"? why is the word "contagious" and "going viral" rooted in pathological history? is there a positive alternative that denotes inspiration, drive, passion, worthy of emulation, life-giving empowerment, rather than sickness and infliction and death? pondering the language we use in the construction of "adult" and "child" in the imaginative world (of aspirations, ideas, ideals, dreams) as it has been corrupted by sin.

in any case, i have resolved in my heart that i will choose not to be internally apologetic or abashed for my excitement, enthusiasm, idealism. i choose not to allow other people's reactions to me (whether they are taken aback, skeptical, bemused, dismissive, unphased) to dampen my fire. i resolve to be unapologetic in my zeal.

also i had a fairly strange dream last night. it consisted of clumsiness, a wedding, a piercing, fear, a ghost, tears.

words on my heart: risk, imagine, seize, rebel, pioneer, spearhead

sidenotes;
i need to work out
edit// okay i worked out. yayayay
also it's only 11:30pm. i feel like it's 2:30am. wat, pls body, wake up

edit// 4th annual binational conferencia 2013, holla student activism!

adulthood

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nobody warned me exactly what would make transitioning into adulthood so difficult. so many growing pains. thanks life. tell me what's redemptive in this, because i can see very little and i'm at a loss. my palms are empty, they have nothing immediately concrete to grasp onto. all i've got is an empty and hungry, desperation-fueled hope in the pit of my stomach as i double over to catch my breath. run this race, he says - don't be afraid, he says - i have overcome, he says. i am feeling increasingly bewildered that stories of similar struggle braved by people older than me have yet to come to my attention. indignant even, maybe. why is everyone silent?

the gospel's meaning needs to be ever increasing in my life

sidenotes;
three rainy fridays in a row. i am loved by the king.
also daaaangit, the coming two weeks are gonna freaking suck

sanctuary thanks

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But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. James 3:17-18

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness...For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Peter 1:5-8

Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. James 4:8a

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

i am thankful for a God who orchestrates every detail in my life, who sings victory over me as he does so. and i am thankful for the vision he gave me that allows me to trace His goodness in my life, to see this divine orchestration.

i am thankful for his sustaining grace in the midst of difficulty, and that he uses suffering to break, mold, build, strengthen, prune, and sanctify us. growing pains. i am thankful he gives and takes - that when he gifts, i have tangible signs of he who is sweet and perfect, and when he takes, he proves himself through intangible signs to be even more sweet and perfect.

i am thankful that he created in me an excitable heart for things like social justice (SAMI) art, exercise, music, healthy food, reading.

i am thankful for words, artfully crafted to liberate all that is in my heart.

i am thankful that his timeless presence is my quiet and safe sanctuary. that in desperation and helplessness, i may unceremoniously and boldly cast every burden & crucify every sin at the nailed feet of his son who rose from death on a cross for me.

i am thankful for e, whose actions are characterized by tenderness, earnestness, humility; whose presence in my life spurs, liberates, challenges, and emboldens me; thankful that e is a compassionate and courageous peacemaker who wrestles with impossible situations without running away, who is eagerly learning to unadulteratedly lean on God while contending in prayer. how i adore and cherish e.

i am thankful for the sisters God has gifted me with - friendships which ebb and flow, diverge and converge, but remain forever sweet, constant, present. like dear sisters l.n, s.lee, c.h, p.f - who have walked with me for 3.5 years (except c.h: 8) and continue to do so as i grapple with new developments. i am thankful that they see to the depths of my heart, and that they allow me to see the depths of theirs - and that we brave dark scary places together. and my sisters s.lo, m.l, c.c - who are forever dear to my heart.

i am thankful for my siblings, who see past the depths of my heart and see the grime as clearly as daylight and yet still, love me. thankful for their derpy presences that buffer my heart from the full impact of pain.

i am thankful for the following locations which have been engraved onto my heart: philadelphia, irvine, berkeley, san francisco.

sidenotes;
uhghguhgug god is so good to me

in, on, through

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Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:2-5

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

He loves me. He hears me. He works good for me.
this i will drill into my brain as i press in. press on. press through.
this i will tattoo onto my heart as He holds it together, as it bleeds into His hands.
this i will sing over my limbs like a soothing ointment, as they tremble and cry for relief.
this i will shout to my feet, as they bear the pounding weight of my body in this race, as they brave the unpaved and uncharted and hostile territories.

sidenotes;
today was really hard. but it started with sweet and ended with sweet. and so i am grateful for so many things! thank you, God, for loving me, through so many ways.

edit// this weekend was so hard. feeling vulnerable, tired, fragile, needy, leary, like a cornered animal
to love, to suffer
and in all things to glorify Him

inhale, exhale / gangly deer

source

i want to breathe in his grace, to bathe in the sweet fragrance of his love for me until the blood which sustains my every muscle is gratitude. until the veins that transport this gratitude is fortified conviction. i want ever deeper roots in the caverns of my heart, roots which will crowd out the cancers of pride and entitlement and self-righteousness. i am his house, and in his presence i will dwell, i will rest, i will wait. i want to exhale all which heals, lifts, soothes, empowers. and one day he will declare the sum of me to be perfect and whole, when i stand in his presence, in his house. i look forward to when i am in his courts. until then i will inhale, i will exhale.

this is a new sweet crazy. no longer like amnesia, more like a surreal dream that is life which surreptitiously and arbitrarily and mischievously offers all kinds of both gifts and broken things. thank you, god, for being the giver of all good things. my bones are strengthening, my heart is becoming eager, my hands are open. may this be my forever posture before a god who did not protect his son from suffering.

sept 2013: baby deer

sidenotes;

nutella hot chocolate on this chilly wednesday afternoon, after sitting in the sun and sharing in silly conversation with e
also i am grateful for mentors who challenge me to grow. because challenge accepted.

q; what's the use of being super sensitive if people around me are not? ugh dumb. feeling dismissed and unvalidated in, what i am presently calling, my "useless" sensitivity. only hurting myself. pls, so dumb. also i'm going to read this later and not even remember what happened, so, lol.

learning to dream part iv

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Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

i started this series during a season in which i was "learning to dream" in a liberated manner that sidestepped the realm of idolatry, heartsickness, and disappointment: i envisioned the future, listened to my heart's desires, allowed my imagination to have free reign, and in all these things, i acknowledged god as sovereign lord over my dreams, my desires, my future. i have seen how good he is in orchestrating everything in my life, how tender he is in showing me how he pursues and loves me as he molds my desires & prunes me so that i may bear much fruit. with that said, here's a snapshot of my dreams now.

i dream of a girls revival conference for sexual redemption and purity. also a conference addressing mother-daughter relationships. i dream to see a nationwide revival regarding christians in their understanding of a holistic gospel that calls us to be socially aware, to be community oriented, to have neighborhood theology, to be justice and mercy-minded, to be relentlessly seeking creative ways in which god may want to restore brokenness and right the injustices in our immediate sphere of influence. i dream of seeing SAMI branches across california. i dream of a campus-wide social justice night for christians this year. i dream of seeing social justice programs incorporated into high school curriculum. i dream that one day, in my lifetime, i will see massive upheaval in the prison system. on the scale of the civil rights movement.

i dream of going to berkeley for a summer internship, & eventually going to berkeley for grad school. i dream of meeting angela davis, ruthie wilson gilmore, and michelle alexander.

i dream of rescuing two dogs. also adopting foster children. i dream of starting a stationery business when i'm done with my degrees, and of writing novels in my free time. i dream of getting a sony nex7, and/or a canon 5d mark ii or a canon 7d. i aspire to become good at bouldering. and to get a roadbike, and run a half marathon.

i dream of seeing younger girls become admirable and driven women of god who will in turn invest in other ladies, be life-giving encouragers, be blessings for brothers, and be missions-minded servants/leaders in their respective spheres of influence.

april 2012 part iii
nov 2011 part ii
feb 2011 part i

sidenotes;
blessed
loved

p.s. tonight: coffee, ice cream, pineapples, pesto pasta (aka any food to keep me occupied). gonna be a long night. midterms make me fat
edit// thurs 5:30am; third all nighter in the past two weeks. not sure how i'm still alive, but i'm alive & my brain is functioning strangely well. why am i most productive from 4-6am. dumb. also god is so good to me, because i will finish this essay on time and class is cancelled tomorrow and yessssss

also woah, so many people getting into relationships. so trippy and surreal, pls

i must be really super non-impressionable lol, because people i work with never remember who i am. welp wallflower forever

the wallflower who was not

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"there were several ways it could have gone. she might have visited everyday, and i could have been the one who knew her go-to drink. maybe she might have had different drinks depending on her mood, or the weather, or the day of the week. or maybe she might have disappeared for a year, gone traveling and come back a profoundly different person. to meet me, a mildly different person.

as it were, i only saw her twice more in that year, and both times i was in the back restocking materials, like i was doing presently. i entertained the possibility that she actually did frequent the cafe and it was just by chance that i wasn't working that day. that fate was mischievously dealing me unfavorable cards.

in any case, i decided she was intriguing in my mind, i gave her free reign, this unremarkable girl in mahogany rimmed glasses. so as i contented myself with not knowing, there she was, standing in line cradling her books while surveying the menu. nothing in particular was going through my mind when i determined to ask her name.

some severe case of tunnel vision handicapped my senses because there is a deplorable gap in my conscious memory between holding a bag of coffee beans in the back room to standing at the cash register.

'hi, what can i get for you?'
'just an iced coffee please'
'and your name?' the anticipation, the unwarranted joy-
she gave me a bemused and quizzical look as she opened her mouth, paused, pursed her lips. 'you were in my architecture class last semester. my name is' my brain malfunctioned, and i don't remember the name she said afterwards, even as i wrote it onto the plastic cup. she was perhaps an angel who dragged my fantasy to meet reality in a discordant and dissonant collision, an angel who was now walking out of the cafe with iced coffee in hand. maybe it was the sleep deprivation from late nights in the studio, or maybe the intoxicating scent of coffee beans, because i felt intrigue rush through my veins with an anticipatory and impatient pulse."

sidenotes;
part I
this is a story of objectification, romanticizing fantasies, a boy who doesn't learn his lesson, a nameless girl whose influence goes beyond her awareness, a critique of popular portrayals of romance, a facetious satire. because i've felt objectified; because i have been called unremarkable, because i people watch, because i remember names, because i don't know how boys think, because i often wonder at the inner world of strangers standing beside me. and also because i love cafes.

cities of refuge

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"· Both Jesus and the cities of refuge are within easy reach of the needy person; they were of no use unless someone could get to the place of refuge.
· Both Jesus and the cities of refuge are open to all, not just the Israelite; no one needs to fear that they would be turned away from their place of refuge in their time of need.
· Both Jesus and the cities of refuge became a place where the one in need would live; you didn’t come to a city of refuge in time of need just to look around.
· Both Jesus and the cities of refuge are the only alternative for the one in need; without this specific protection, they will be destroyed.
· Both Jesus and the cities of refuge provide protection only within their boundaries; to go outside means death.
· With both Jesus and the cities of refuge, full freedom comes with the death of the High Priest."
d.guzik

sidenotes;
relearning rest as a radical rebellion to the world's demands for attention, to the flesh's feverish whining that i'm being left behind. relearning rest as a revolutionary, deliberate act of trusting God and allowing him the space to prove himself faithful. i'm blithely amused that rest comes to counterintuitively to us.. 

EDIT// it is friday, and in the spirit of remembering His faithfulness, here is what i have accomplished this week by His sustaining and empowering grace:
-two midterms
-three late nights, one all nighter
-finished stupid bureaucratic online form for prison nation art exhibit
-finished essays for summer internship
-got two of the best ethn professors to say yes to rec letters
-planted my succulents

toxic

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how blinding and toxic and deadening and pitiful is entitlement when it is not cast out from our blood, when it remains all that we understand. when everything we don’t understand is seen through the distorted lens of entitlement, when we become (remain?) diseased slaves to it. when decay ferments inside our hearts and all that comes out of our mouths is complaint and criticism and discontentment. when we unceremoniously dismiss the richness of suffering, and shake our petulant fists at the good God. when jesus becomes an afterthought, second to whatever we have assigned more worthy of our immediate attention. when we declare ourselves too dignified for a posture of helplessness: on our knees, on our faces, hands splayed out, cries wailing out. instead we sit on our thrones and stick our noses in the air, telling everyone we are gods. that we don’t deserve this

sidenotes;
for breakfast i had a coffee banana milkshake & a boiled egg. for lunch i had dill salmon, roasted carrots, & brown sugar carmelized butternut squash. i made some ginger sesame chicken soup for my very sick roommate in the afternoon. & for dinner i had basil hummus, avocado & alfalfa sprouts on buttermilk bread, topped with lemon pepper, lemon olive oil. food makes me happy. tonight i am listening to robin thicke's ancient albums (which are infinitely better than his new ones), while writing essays for my summer internship application. tonight god is sweet to me :) tomorrow is october 31. tomorrow god will be sweet to me, too.

edit// p.s., i am passionate. hire me. pls
/being facetious

also it is 2am, and i am wide awake. this must be a God thing.
it is now 6am, and i am going to bed.

knots

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there are knots in my shoulders and knots in my heart. it is raining and the sound is cathartic and urgent as it spills onto our overhanging and onto the cobblestone underneath. because the knots in my heart are untangling themselves, and the increasingly awful grating sound it makes with each successive untangling serves as an emotional filter for the sounds i hear. the rain is agitated and restless, angry and irregular. labored release of great tension inside leaves me weak and tired, like the sound of retreating rain postponing its parting because it doesn't know how to bow out gracefully. doesn't know how to end this conversation. awkward. like a reluctant afterthought, cold leftovers on the kitchen counter, last-ditch decompression, or lethargic and noncommittal echoes of my dis-empowering hindsight

blessed rest, happy rest, i am on my way

sidenotes;
also this post had very little meaning, except for the vague mood i wanted to convey at 3am in the morning. /being a melodramatic and sleep deprived writer
i am so blessed. like sweet rain on my heart, a resolute hand on my back
this week is full of ridiculous shenanigans. like bureaucratic and distant adults in the university system. also sleep deprivation

two-way disclosure

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thoughts on the phrase "meeting people where they are" triggered by my way of relating to/engaging with/connecting with older and younger people (whether in age or in multidimensional/dynamic stage of faith):

why is it supremely unsatisfying for me to be excluded from the struggles of people i admire? why does it feel unbalanced and unequal, and why does it feel like a snub on my greatest heart desire to pour support into others? how do we navigate the dynamics of healthy amounts of two-way disclosure? considering that my capacities and limitations are uniquely my own and not to be unfairly projected upon anyone else because no one is a self-appointed measuring stick of comparison; that for some reason i crave the deep and cringe to brave the shallows; that i have great capacity and endurance to maintain a posture of intensive introspection because that is where i flourish; that i crave to love and be loved -

how can i calculate our relative social roles (teacher, student, friend, etc) and its ensuing expectations, whether implicitly internalized or explicitly taboo? how do i conduct myself with others so that i may be life giving? how can i be unabashedly and fearlessly me? how can i embrace the capacities and limitations of others, and enable them to simultaneously embolden them to rest in their capacities and challenge their limitations? how can i empower those younger with the opportunity to love on me? how can i urge those older to give me the privilege to love them? how do i have healthy balance of how much i allow my thoughts to dwell on someone's possible reaction to my holistic personhood? my intentions are wholly my responsibility; does my sensitivity to others and their present state expand my scope of responsibility - at least, in how much i am aware of how i may be unintentionally manipulating someone, or soliciting unwelcome responses?

pondering inner posture dynamics of giving of myself (sharing my passions, my experiences, my perspectives) vs. restraining so that i may be able to absorb that which someone else is giving of themselves. pondering that in the latter dynamic, i am also arguably in a posture of giving, especially if i consider the material result of feeling noticeably drained and yet semi-consciously fulfilled and empowered. i "give" when i actively receive and absorb. although slightly an exaggeration, but do i then conversely risk "taking" from others when i give of myself?

engaging with other individuals is a fluid and dynamic and mysterious process, and just lol

sidenotes;
i am shamelessly verbose and speak in fragments and run-ons
i have so many thoughts pestering my brain; what a relief it is to heart vomit it out so i can detach myself and see the bigger picture :9

on another note, i can't believe god has called me to be an activist in this season. this, i gladly and eagerly step into and pour all that i am into it. thank you, god. i love you!

new vocab

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words i would like to tell my younger self regarding relationships lol:

-be deliberate, be intentional [full of intent, full of dedication to the vision], choose to [verb], accept responsibility,
-be attentive to fruit, observe growth, point out growth, nourish growth,
-enable, spur, build,
-honor, trust, communicate,
-enjoy, delight, adore, cherish, treasure
-let life, pursue healthiness, be a student of tenderness, love well, receive well, flourish, enrich others, bless, be blessed

sidenotes;

learning as i go. the "end of history" illusion is so trippy because reading my older posts is kind of super embarrassing ughhh

i'm so annoying, omq
jan 2013: relationships

march 2010: sweeter song
this is my 300th post, lol

alienating

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how disorienting is our human condition, when the petulant demands of our brokenness crowds out and saturates our senses. when our unique experiences of pain and suffering and grief alienates us from all other company which, once a welcome presence, becomes a reminder that no one is capable of perfectly entering into and sharing of our pain. equally disorienting and disabling is to witness the surfacing of others' brokenness, and feeling every fiber straining and vein aching and muscle tensing with unfulfilled desire to alleviate their heaviness. because we can walk alongside each other, but ultimately everyone has personalized monsters in a personalized forest to identify, brave, and conquer. desperate praises to He who is King and Victor, who determines suffering to be a worthy and necessary process in His relentless construction and restoration of holiness in us. praise to Him who declares that out of suffering is the fruit of resilience, tenderness, and joy.

sidenotes;
meep, exercising discretion in who i share my joy and conversely, my sorrow with, considering the present state of the person. pondering the dynamic of sharing joy and accidentally eliciting jealousy which, from my understanding, is a gut response indicative of deeper contentment issues of which i hold no responsibility.

reminders to self

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1) remember his faithfulness
2) breathe
3) determine to jealously guard your time of rest
4) inhale his grace
5) let people love on you
6) twenty four hours are unfortunately shorter than your perception lets on
7) take precautions when your spirit is running on low and people become more so unwelcome energy leeches than they are people to love on

8) be attentive to resurfacing cries of need because it is october and it is that time of year

sidenotes;

meep
i am rather enjoying the multidimensional, overlapping, intersecting, interwoven, and very dynamic nature of this season of life although i am sick & in need of sleep. i'm seeing how god has carefully (and unexpectedly) expanded my energy reserves so that i may be able to maintain shallow conversations for longer and maintain prolonged doses of people interaction. i'm seeing that god has audaciously emboldened me to take initiative in building my network; i'm seeing that this whole thing is a two way process, and that precisely because god provides and enables and sustains, i must likewise respond by receiving and acting.

not an option

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i'm not sure what to think, feel, or do about this new development. is there ever any clear direction when those you most desire approval from cannot give it? when people who have played a formative role in my life are unwilling or unable to enter into the joy of that which is close to your heart? not only unwilling, but straight up resistant? what if they are ignorant to the ways that they cannot meet you where you are? what if they are aware that they cannot meet you where you are? what if running away is not an option and i am left with the mess that is life in my shaking palms and unsure fingers

god would you go before me, like i know you do
god would you help me welcome the bitter with the sweet

p.s. the concept of generational sin kind of terrifies the pewp out of me

sidenotes;
since when did new developments ever come with new obstacles
never, that's when

strange and vulnerable

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it is a strange and vulnerable, uncertain and wonder-full thing to receive, as if it were a virtue to refuse and maintain a posture of giving -- a posture which stinks of self-appointed sufficiency and underlying floods of need and brokenness, masked in the facade of humility. so vulnerable. because when we receive we open ourselves to great suffering; we become a candidate for heartbreak. but when have we ever not been candidates for heartbreak? let us be eager volunteers, striding forth into vulnerability and humility as we partake in Christ's vision and allow Him as a man of sorrows to tenderly speak into our sufferings. will we allow Him to be near us in our suffering, & allow that aspect of His character as comforter standing in solidarity to be made real to us? how else than through suffering, vulnerability, heartache. we are such timid creatures terrified of pain and suffering, and i am grateful for a God who sings victory and fearlessness over us, whose perfect love, which subjected Him to the greatest posture of vulnerability in history, casts out fear

on another note, i am presently aware of a inner resilience not of my own, preventing panic and dismay from caving in upon my heart as i foray into the roles of influence that He has so graciously placed into my lap. i am also presently aware of a quiet voice that says "peace. step forth because i have ordained all of this. i have placed certain people in your life to speak and act my love to you -- others, i have not. i have placed certain positions of leadership into your hands not because of your abilities but because i will be doing the work and i choose you to see it all. let them love, let me lead. follow me."

sidenotes;
i have a cluster headache ):
God is moving!

gomer

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how desperately we need His grace. He loves us when we think we are god. He loves us when we spit in his face and don't even know it because we're busy polishing our own images for a perverted sense of gratification. He loves us when we unceremoniously chuck him onto the rusty back burner - what injustice, what shortsightedness, what vileness, what wretchedness! this is a God who told hosea to love gomer. he told hosea to choose gomer everyday and to consciously and wholeheartedly make gomer the object of his desire. this is the God who loves us and we are so, so in need of His grace

sidenotes;

like sweet rain on my heart
also welcome week i'm so tired are you done yet

ten ways to love:
"speak without accusing james 1:19
pray without ceasing colossians 1:9
promise without forgetting proverbs 13:12
give without sparing proverbs 21:26
answer without arguing proverbs 17:1
trust without wavering corinthians 13:7
share without pretending eph 4:15
enjoy without complaint philippians 2:14
forgive without punishing colossians 3:13
listen without interrupting proverbs 18"

pursuing justice

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"We sometimes see the gospel and justice as separate, like two sides of a teeter-totter. We think talking about the requirements of justice or the material aspects of life, raising that side of the teeter-totter, will diminish the gospel and our focus on the spiritual aspects of life. The assumption is that if one is highlighted, the other is diminished. This kind of either/or thinking, or dualism, is actually a heresy historically referred to as Gnosticism.

This is not how the Hebrews understood God, however. To them, the spiritual and material sides of life were united and integrated. When we think about the gospel this way, our picture changes. Rather than being in competition, as with the teeter-totter analogy, the spiritual and material aspects of life can be pictured as the two sides of a train track--meant to be inextricably connected in one purpose." (39)

"God absolutely uses short-term mission trips, and many of the career missionaries and international relief and development professionals I know were first given a 'taste' of their calling on a short-term missions trip when they were in high school or college. This illustrates exactly why I believe we need to continue to fund and send folks on short-term trips, while at the same time redefining our expectations for what they will accomplish and what they mean.

I believe we need to call these trips by what they really are: Learning trips. Exposure trips. Relationship trips. Engagement trips...Redefining short-term missions trips is about ridding ourselves of the illusion that we can change the world, and instead admitting that the world might need to change us." (151-152)

"Today, however, there is a growing desire among Christians of all sorts to discern and differentiate the social awareness of the historical social gospel movement from the specific theology that under-girded much of the movement. there is a desire to mend the artificial divide--the false dichotomy--between material and spiritual and return to a robust gospel message that includes the proclamation of Jesus and the embodying, person-transforming, society-changing love of Jesus." (209)

"'That which dominates our imagination and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshiping we are becoming.' [Ralph Waldo Emerson]" (224)

"We forget the sustaining power of grace that was given to energize and motivate us to change the world. Covering grace without sustaining grace can make us consumers of grace. As if grace were a product, we keep it for ourselves." (255)

"To discern the path God would have you walk, begin with repentance. Lament the problem of pain and the ache of injustice in the world. Ask God to lead you, and listen long and intently for His answer. Be willing to obey unreservedly, no matter how big or small, no matter how heroic or mundane the task God sets before you or the path God calls you to walk." (289)

-Pursuing Justice, Ken Wytsma

sidenotes;

be [present] where you are [and love where you are by actively seeking peace of the city]. be where you are.

dysfunction

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it's not just generation gap, culture clash, dysfunction, unpredictability, and a shrill voice. it's also stewing and explosion, brooding and freezing. it's love language of polar opposites, trigger differences, anger expression differences, processing differences, conflict resolution differences, too many differences. reaction differences, interpretation differences. just differences

sidenotes;

this is really uber hard

baby deer and ghost again

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presently//
feeling like a baby deer in angry headlights

i got the crazies out of my system the last time but even so, navigating this new map feels strange and rusty like i had amnesia. like the vaccination shot's disorienting effects are only now receding, deaf to my silent screams of "i've had enough!" and it has left my bones weary, my heart wary, my hands shaking. but i'm trusting my gut & pressing in with prayer in this time of all things new and good. actively internalizing that i don't automatically default into the problem if i am not part of the solution, and that jesus and his grace is once again entirely sufficient. thank you, jesus, for your blood paid freedom.

edit// wow, rereading this makes me realize again just how deep his actions dug into me like shrapnel and tore apart things inside, like my perception of myself in relation to people i care about. actions which translated into "you are my problem. you are my temptation. you are all things bad therefore i cut you out like an abscess, or an addiction." never again

in the past//
but ghost, you are a stranger to me! i am feeling dismay while looking at this messy speed bump in my life. when people underestimate the scope of it all it is belittling to the awful extent of denying my reality, so i suppose on the same token i must doggedly resist the temptation to altogether cast away the need to dwell and process and walk through the aftermath. ghost, in your lingering, look: i am healthy, i am healing. i have friends who step into the dark places and face demons with me. ghost, i'm not running and i'm not scared. the longer you loiter the more things i will encounter and the more i will change. my King sings victory over me.

in the future//
we have the riches of God's love at our immediate and unreserved disposal, in all its heaviness and lightness and vibrancy and extravagance and liberating, cleansing power. there are things he hides from us only to peel away the scales of our eyes in due time. the more i receive of his love for me and for his children, the more i see how little i am, & the more i see how there is a spectrum of growth that he takes us on in all his gentleness and loveliness. what grace, what mercy! Jesus is King here & now, & he is restoring the world - he is more than enough cause for daily, effusive celebration! open the floodgates. Jesus is King.

"Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom

or the strong man boast of his strength

or the rich man boast of his riches,

but let him who boasts boast about this: 

that he understands and knows me,

that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,
justice and righteousness on earth,

for in these I delight," declares the Lord.
Jeremiah 9:23-24

sidenotes;
mraaaaaw
war of my life, john mayer
scribbled paper, little dragon
i have no idea what i'm getting myself into lol but Jesus is King and he is so good to me!

also, i hate skin problems with a passion ugh can you just pls stop, pls, you are the worst thing that ever happened to me this summer. i loathe you more than my eczema ugh

summed up

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this morning i woke up and rolled like a dying zombie onto my side, surveying the events of my life (because i often do this because i donno) in a groggy attempt to stay awake. and after a shower and some breakfast i came to realize that God's work in my life thus far can be summed up in the following statement:

struggles and heartbreaks are the avenues through which God makes my heart more tender and enlarges its capacity to readily step into the pain of others: starting with pain that i understand and expanding to pain i don't necessarily understand. & He does this because Jesus, as a man of sorrow, saw me in my wretchedness and determined to make me lovely, and so he stepped into my wretchedness and became my wretchedness. he gently and radically embraces me in a love that i in turn dwell in - i wash myself in it, i clothe myself in it, i inhale it. & as i exhale, it is His sustaining love coursing through my veins that blesses others with its rich fragrance as it has blessed and protected and saved me. He is my perfume, my sustenance. God is so good to me.

sidenotes;
< 3 my heart
also, painting with my silly sister is therapeutic
my silly brother is great because he takes pictures with me
& my "when helping hurts" & "life together" arrived YESSSs

edit// 9.10.13 bought a new outfit, & found awesome social justice books at the library
today was a good day (:

suspended limbo

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the weeks preceding the new school year always feels like suspended limbo to me. like a huge pause button that makes my mind foggy and lazy, a time during which i look back to a surrealistically distant past and look forward to see just as surrealistic a future. it's a rhythm of life that i am ill-adapted to; i find myself consciously associating God's work with a faster rhythm of life: when i'm in school, with things to do and places to go and people to meet. why is it that home is my driest and heavy spirited battlefield? although i suppose i know the answer to that question and it comes in the form of generation gap, culture clash, dysfunction, unpredictability, and a shrill voice. i am dragged back to my high school mentality when i come home, but that just means it never left the dark rooms in my chest. the monsters like to come out when i come home. how shameless they are

nevertheless, i also often entertain melodramatic writing (perhaps because my inner world is a melodrama? a tranche de vie melodrama for the purposes of amusement? haha) and my words tend to throw things into stark, vivid relief. things are not nearly as awful as the picture my words paint.

today the shock is mellowing out into shy-faced disbelief because i am amazed by how intimately God knows my heart. today there is anticipation in my palms and anticipation in my stomach because i taste sweetness on the horizon

"Wear your sorrow like the lines on your palm. Like a shawl to keep you warm at night. Don’t mourn the love that is lost to you now. It is a book of poems whose meters worked their way into your pulse. Even if it has slipped from your hands, it will stay in your body. 

You loved a man who treated you like absinthe, half poison and half god. He tried to sweeten you, to water you down. So you left. And now you have your heart all to yourself again. A heart like a stone cottage. Heart like a lover’s diary. Hope like an ocean.” -Anais Nin

sidenotes;
currently:
elodie rama, strange island
emily king, georgia

on another note, i've always been number 11 on your list from the start, but that's okay because Jesus says i'm his number one and Jesus says he redeems you and me and i believe him

enemy in the homefront

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Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:13

Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. 1 Peter 2:11

The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.1 Peter 4:7

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 1 Peter 5:8-9

these verses are always so pertinent when i'm at home, because that's when i let my guard down

sidenotes;
today life is sweet

hardest

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hardest person for me to love, ever

sidenotes;

iono fam

opaque

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i would like to dissect the psychology of blogging/online diary keeping as related to the increasing isolation we discuss in humanities classes. why is it that we feel "safer" being vulnerable and transparent on the internet? does the dividing wall of the screen somehow justify unfiltered disclosure of intimate struggles? do we do this at the expense of real life, interpersonal relationships? what is it that we're sacrificing here? is online vulnerability a means to achieve something, or has it become the unintended goal? what is the future we are painting for the next generation entrusted into our hands? how can we victoriously use the internet as a mere resource for our spiritual, mental, and emotional growth so as to forbid it from becoming our crutch - not to mention a false god which we worship in parched dependence?

sidenotes;
listening to natural self, radio citizen, & rdj2 < 3 so heppy

left field

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my heart? wait how did this happen i'm so confused

sidenotes;

lol

ten times harder

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why is it that i love speaking truth and encouragement to everyone else but when it comes to myself it's ten times harder this is so dumb

sidenotes;

so dumb

cultureshock

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I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O Lord.

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O Lord; may your love and your truth always protect me.

Psalm 40:7

being back home is strangely anticlimactic in a stifling and surreal way. the lack of urgency here feels like a heavy blanket over my head. i am confronted with the short attention span of my humanness, because being physically far-removed from tenderloin/berkeley gives my brain a false sense of security and peace -- false, because this security and peace finds its source in the comfort of luxury. poverty is no longer manifest in the physical world here. i can't see poverty prowling the dirty streets. i can't smell poverty making its angry, foul demands at me for attention, nor can i hear poverty shrieking profanities down drug infested streets. just because i am in irvine doesn't negate everything my heart has inhaled this summer. and as i sit here in coffeebean, i feel dismay begin to claw tightly around my heart as i begin to feel more and more alone in the heart mentality that has so violently dug deep into who i am.

"the culture shock will likely be in the mentality, the rhythm of life, the degrees to which people understand or engage with what has been so close to your heart this summer." -nhsieh 

"My prayer for you as you return is for protection and that God would be your strength in spirit, soul, and mind. I myself am going through the difficulty and the spiritual attacks that come with returning to life after a mission trip, or conference, or any intense spiritual journey the Lord takes us on. But lets not let it be just a returning, but a sending out into a new mission field. You have been equipped with authority and with power and with truth. I pray that your identity in Christ will be secure. Praying right now against physical ailment, against temptation, against worry and anxiety and depression, and praying against discouragement and impatience with the self-sufficient, comfortable and ignorant condition of the heart of so many people in socal. I pray that even now God would use your experiences to reach those who you share it with to bring glory to His name and that to those who won't understand, God will give understanding in His own time." -pferido

 

“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.” -Miriam Adeney

sidenotes;
this is a place of aloneness that i am fearful of staying in; i don't have strength to maintain a posture of satisfaction when i face the daunting silence that echoes back to my question, "do you know? do you know what i have seen this summer?"

ever deeper roots

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ever deeper roots, ever sweeter communion. may ever louder praise incessantly flow from my heart. may all know that you are king. ever more, always & forever.

inner chaos

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“As soon as we are alone,...inner chaos opens up in us. This chaos can be so disturbing and so confusing that we can hardly wait to get busy again. Entering a private room and shutting the door, therefore, does not mean that we immediately shut out all our inner doubts, anxieties, fears, bad memories, unresolved conflicts, angry feelings and impulsive desires. On the contrary, when we have removed our outer distraction, we often find that our inner distraction manifest themselves to us in full force. We often use the outer distractions to shield ourselves from the interior noises. This makes the discipline of solitude all the more important.” -Henri Nouwen

if i have a daughter, what would i tell her when she experiences her first real heartbreak? i don't know

i finished my last final as a sophomore. i'm now a junior. i am looking forward to a summer in sf. but tonight i would like to watch a good movie, eat comfort food, and cry in bed until there is nothing inside to cry out. even though i'm not sure what there is to cry about. i just know i need a good cry

developing trust in an eagerly responsive God

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last night at post fnf we were talking about our worst traits, and one of us pointed out that we all had similar responses: passiveness, indecisiveness, fear.

i feel that these traits are reflections of the broken order within us. it is the nature of the fall that we rebel & try to wrench control from the King's throne. in doing so, we obsessively and feverishly vie for definitive assurance of future consequences of our present actions. but because it is also the nature of humans as subject to the power of time & the fallen world, we can never know the future.as a result, we become paralyzed into inaction and unfounded fear. we default into worry, which is the complete antithesis to trust in God.

but the radical nature of the gospel changes all of that. because of our relationship with god, we are placed in a realm of fearlessness, where we can step forth in boldness knowing that His perfect love for us casts out our fears. we can know that our relationship with God is a responsive one.

"ask, seek, knock;" "abide in me;" "seek first Me and My righteousness;" "take delight in me;" He says. "& i will give. i will open. i will abide in you. i will give you the desires of your heart."

we serve a God who moves mountains, calms storms, and ultimately overcame the world because it is under his dominion. we can start with faith like a mustard seed and see how God proves to be faithful, and with time we will come to see that we have accumulated a substantial amount of proof that God responds to the cries of his children and is pleased by our baby, timid, uncertain steps of faith. we will come to see that our faith is no longer just a mustard seed; that our fear is no longer our dominating instinct. the broken order is being restored and the scales are falling from our eyes. we can rest, we can beseech him on our behalf, we can act. we are free.

sidenotes;

wakawaakakwakaa

second death week live updates

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sunday 5am // to bed i go

monday 2:24am // i'm feeling pretty despondent about my life right now lol. why skewl
monday 3:41am // so miserable
monday 5:30am // sad lyfe

tuesday 11:47pm // heartbreak is really messy. these past four years i have learned how messy emotional investment and how close it hits home and how it's like walking a tight rope to navigate through it all except it's more like falling from the tightrope and fighting for life in the raging waters and losing strength and letting the current take you while you stare blankly at the sky. i've also learned how nobody talks about it openly. and i donno how good that is because i'm starting to wonder what things would be like if older sisters invested in younger sisters more actively. also i'm really sleep deprived and i'm relatively more dramatic and snarky when i lack sleep don't take me 100% seriously

wednesday 2:23pm // i just realized that i forgot to go to a class yesterday how did i forget to go to class how i don't understand. also facebook makes me so discontent guh

thursday 4:00am // hahahahahhaha it's 4am hahahahaha
thursday 12:00pm // i am so fail i woke up at 10am guhhh. praise god though, i was able to word vomit four pages in two hours which is... twice the speed i usually write. not sure about the quality but at this point i don careee
thursday 2:15pm // wau cutting it so close. i officially dislike apple computers omq. regardless TWO ESSAYS & TWO PRESENTATIONS DONE, TWO MORE ESSAYS &THREE MORE FINALS TO GO

gospel & berkeley

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But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

how wonderful is it that even before i go up to norcal, i am reminded of the radical, earthshaking implications of the gospel?

jesus extravagantly proclaimed god’s love for me: he died an undeserved sinner’s death & lived again to provide me access to a new life in sanctifying preparation for eternal fellowship with my Maker. & because god did this in full awareness of my wretchedness--all that i am inside is laid bare before him, i have no one to prove myself to. i don't have to prove my trust in him at the cost of compromising my safety. trust does not equate to recklessness. i am grateful for the two sisters dear to my heart (shameless shout out, slo&cchen) for speaking sense to me and being gentle while i grappled with guilt (as well as my tendency to go all in, & my perception of what that means).

it is because of this gospel truth that i can boast in the cross and make decisions in a realm of freedom and fearlessness, without unwarranted guilt of disappointing him or putting him in a box. i can trust that he makes my ways straight & that his ways supersede, go before, and surround all of my ways. i am forever entirely in the King’s embrace : ) how is this not earthshaking to monumental extremes? how does this not make praise arise from deep inside without pause?

this is all to say, i am actually going to live in berkeley instead of sf. hahaha

& i have also come to realize in the past twenty seconds... that god is redeeming my wish to live in berkeley... HOWww GOD IS SO GOOD! senior year he took away my obsessive desire to go to berkeley and taught me to trust him by blessing me in SD and now he's letting me go to berkeley for a quarter, on his terms. this is too good, god. i see what you did there. a;slkdjf;alskjdf

sidenotes;
wahahaha
so blessed and safe and joyful to be in THE king's embrace
EXCEEDING PRAISE OMQ

not particularly important, but i wonder why i feel the need to blog. it is essentially an online diary, but with a public audience. i'm starting to realize how much i truly am a blogger -- ever since 12 years old! i have seven blogs serving different purposes, and apart from that i have two private journals that delve even deeper. i wonder why i feel the need to share things with people all the time -- joys, struggles, ponderings. i donnos. how come not everyone feels this need? i feel like an oddball wakawaka