cities of refuge

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"· Both Jesus and the cities of refuge are within easy reach of the needy person; they were of no use unless someone could get to the place of refuge.
· Both Jesus and the cities of refuge are open to all, not just the Israelite; no one needs to fear that they would be turned away from their place of refuge in their time of need.
· Both Jesus and the cities of refuge became a place where the one in need would live; you didn’t come to a city of refuge in time of need just to look around.
· Both Jesus and the cities of refuge are the only alternative for the one in need; without this specific protection, they will be destroyed.
· Both Jesus and the cities of refuge provide protection only within their boundaries; to go outside means death.
· With both Jesus and the cities of refuge, full freedom comes with the death of the High Priest."
d.guzik

sidenotes;
relearning rest as a radical rebellion to the world's demands for attention, to the flesh's feverish whining that i'm being left behind. relearning rest as a revolutionary, deliberate act of trusting God and allowing him the space to prove himself faithful. i'm blithely amused that rest comes to counterintuitively to us.. 

EDIT// it is friday, and in the spirit of remembering His faithfulness, here is what i have accomplished this week by His sustaining and empowering grace:
-two midterms
-three late nights, one all nighter
-finished stupid bureaucratic online form for prison nation art exhibit
-finished essays for summer internship
-got two of the best ethn professors to say yes to rec letters
-planted my succulents

toxic

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how blinding and toxic and deadening and pitiful is entitlement when it is not cast out from our blood, when it remains all that we understand. when everything we don’t understand is seen through the distorted lens of entitlement, when we become (remain?) diseased slaves to it. when decay ferments inside our hearts and all that comes out of our mouths is complaint and criticism and discontentment. when we unceremoniously dismiss the richness of suffering, and shake our petulant fists at the good God. when jesus becomes an afterthought, second to whatever we have assigned more worthy of our immediate attention. when we declare ourselves too dignified for a posture of helplessness: on our knees, on our faces, hands splayed out, cries wailing out. instead we sit on our thrones and stick our noses in the air, telling everyone we are gods. that we don’t deserve this

sidenotes;
for breakfast i had a coffee banana milkshake & a boiled egg. for lunch i had dill salmon, roasted carrots, & brown sugar carmelized butternut squash. i made some ginger sesame chicken soup for my very sick roommate in the afternoon. & for dinner i had basil hummus, avocado & alfalfa sprouts on buttermilk bread, topped with lemon pepper, lemon olive oil. food makes me happy. tonight i am listening to robin thicke's ancient albums (which are infinitely better than his new ones), while writing essays for my summer internship application. tonight god is sweet to me :) tomorrow is october 31. tomorrow god will be sweet to me, too.

edit// p.s., i am passionate. hire me. pls
/being facetious

also it is 2am, and i am wide awake. this must be a God thing.
it is now 6am, and i am going to bed.

knots

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there are knots in my shoulders and knots in my heart. it is raining and the sound is cathartic and urgent as it spills onto our overhanging and onto the cobblestone underneath. because the knots in my heart are untangling themselves, and the increasingly awful grating sound it makes with each successive untangling serves as an emotional filter for the sounds i hear. the rain is agitated and restless, angry and irregular. labored release of great tension inside leaves me weak and tired, like the sound of retreating rain postponing its parting because it doesn't know how to bow out gracefully. doesn't know how to end this conversation. awkward. like a reluctant afterthought, cold leftovers on the kitchen counter, last-ditch decompression, or lethargic and noncommittal echoes of my dis-empowering hindsight

blessed rest, happy rest, i am on my way

sidenotes;
also this post had very little meaning, except for the vague mood i wanted to convey at 3am in the morning. /being a melodramatic and sleep deprived writer
i am so blessed. like sweet rain on my heart, a resolute hand on my back
this week is full of ridiculous shenanigans. like bureaucratic and distant adults in the university system. also sleep deprivation

two-way disclosure

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thoughts on the phrase "meeting people where they are" triggered by my way of relating to/engaging with/connecting with older and younger people (whether in age or in multidimensional/dynamic stage of faith):

why is it supremely unsatisfying for me to be excluded from the struggles of people i admire? why does it feel unbalanced and unequal, and why does it feel like a snub on my greatest heart desire to pour support into others? how do we navigate the dynamics of healthy amounts of two-way disclosure? considering that my capacities and limitations are uniquely my own and not to be unfairly projected upon anyone else because no one is a self-appointed measuring stick of comparison; that for some reason i crave the deep and cringe to brave the shallows; that i have great capacity and endurance to maintain a posture of intensive introspection because that is where i flourish; that i crave to love and be loved -

how can i calculate our relative social roles (teacher, student, friend, etc) and its ensuing expectations, whether implicitly internalized or explicitly taboo? how do i conduct myself with others so that i may be life giving? how can i be unabashedly and fearlessly me? how can i embrace the capacities and limitations of others, and enable them to simultaneously embolden them to rest in their capacities and challenge their limitations? how can i empower those younger with the opportunity to love on me? how can i urge those older to give me the privilege to love them? how do i have healthy balance of how much i allow my thoughts to dwell on someone's possible reaction to my holistic personhood? my intentions are wholly my responsibility; does my sensitivity to others and their present state expand my scope of responsibility - at least, in how much i am aware of how i may be unintentionally manipulating someone, or soliciting unwelcome responses?

pondering inner posture dynamics of giving of myself (sharing my passions, my experiences, my perspectives) vs. restraining so that i may be able to absorb that which someone else is giving of themselves. pondering that in the latter dynamic, i am also arguably in a posture of giving, especially if i consider the material result of feeling noticeably drained and yet semi-consciously fulfilled and empowered. i "give" when i actively receive and absorb. although slightly an exaggeration, but do i then conversely risk "taking" from others when i give of myself?

engaging with other individuals is a fluid and dynamic and mysterious process, and just lol

sidenotes;
i am shamelessly verbose and speak in fragments and run-ons
i have so many thoughts pestering my brain; what a relief it is to heart vomit it out so i can detach myself and see the bigger picture :9

on another note, i can't believe god has called me to be an activist in this season. this, i gladly and eagerly step into and pour all that i am into it. thank you, god. i love you!

new vocab

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words i would like to tell my younger self regarding relationships lol:

-be deliberate, be intentional [full of intent, full of dedication to the vision], choose to [verb], accept responsibility,
-be attentive to fruit, observe growth, point out growth, nourish growth,
-enable, spur, build,
-honor, trust, communicate,
-enjoy, delight, adore, cherish, treasure
-let life, pursue healthiness, be a student of tenderness, love well, receive well, flourish, enrich others, bless, be blessed

sidenotes;

learning as i go. the "end of history" illusion is so trippy because reading my older posts is kind of super embarrassing ughhh

i'm so annoying, omq
jan 2013: relationships

march 2010: sweeter song
this is my 300th post, lol

alienating

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how disorienting is our human condition, when the petulant demands of our brokenness crowds out and saturates our senses. when our unique experiences of pain and suffering and grief alienates us from all other company which, once a welcome presence, becomes a reminder that no one is capable of perfectly entering into and sharing of our pain. equally disorienting and disabling is to witness the surfacing of others' brokenness, and feeling every fiber straining and vein aching and muscle tensing with unfulfilled desire to alleviate their heaviness. because we can walk alongside each other, but ultimately everyone has personalized monsters in a personalized forest to identify, brave, and conquer. desperate praises to He who is King and Victor, who determines suffering to be a worthy and necessary process in His relentless construction and restoration of holiness in us. praise to Him who declares that out of suffering is the fruit of resilience, tenderness, and joy.

sidenotes;
meep, exercising discretion in who i share my joy and conversely, my sorrow with, considering the present state of the person. pondering the dynamic of sharing joy and accidentally eliciting jealousy which, from my understanding, is a gut response indicative of deeper contentment issues of which i hold no responsibility.

reminders to self

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1) remember his faithfulness
2) breathe
3) determine to jealously guard your time of rest
4) inhale his grace
5) let people love on you
6) twenty four hours are unfortunately shorter than your perception lets on
7) take precautions when your spirit is running on low and people become more so unwelcome energy leeches than they are people to love on

8) be attentive to resurfacing cries of need because it is october and it is that time of year

sidenotes;

meep
i am rather enjoying the multidimensional, overlapping, intersecting, interwoven, and very dynamic nature of this season of life although i am sick & in need of sleep. i'm seeing how god has carefully (and unexpectedly) expanded my energy reserves so that i may be able to maintain shallow conversations for longer and maintain prolonged doses of people interaction. i'm seeing that god has audaciously emboldened me to take initiative in building my network; i'm seeing that this whole thing is a two way process, and that precisely because god provides and enables and sustains, i must likewise respond by receiving and acting.

not an option

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i'm not sure what to think, feel, or do about this new development. is there ever any clear direction when those you most desire approval from cannot give it? when people who have played a formative role in my life are unwilling or unable to enter into the joy of that which is close to your heart? not only unwilling, but straight up resistant? what if they are ignorant to the ways that they cannot meet you where you are? what if they are aware that they cannot meet you where you are? what if running away is not an option and i am left with the mess that is life in my shaking palms and unsure fingers

god would you go before me, like i know you do
god would you help me welcome the bitter with the sweet

p.s. the concept of generational sin kind of terrifies the pewp out of me

sidenotes;
since when did new developments ever come with new obstacles
never, that's when

strange and vulnerable

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it is a strange and vulnerable, uncertain and wonder-full thing to receive, as if it were a virtue to refuse and maintain a posture of giving -- a posture which stinks of self-appointed sufficiency and underlying floods of need and brokenness, masked in the facade of humility. so vulnerable. because when we receive we open ourselves to great suffering; we become a candidate for heartbreak. but when have we ever not been candidates for heartbreak? let us be eager volunteers, striding forth into vulnerability and humility as we partake in Christ's vision and allow Him as a man of sorrows to tenderly speak into our sufferings. will we allow Him to be near us in our suffering, & allow that aspect of His character as comforter standing in solidarity to be made real to us? how else than through suffering, vulnerability, heartache. we are such timid creatures terrified of pain and suffering, and i am grateful for a God who sings victory and fearlessness over us, whose perfect love, which subjected Him to the greatest posture of vulnerability in history, casts out fear

on another note, i am presently aware of a inner resilience not of my own, preventing panic and dismay from caving in upon my heart as i foray into the roles of influence that He has so graciously placed into my lap. i am also presently aware of a quiet voice that says "peace. step forth because i have ordained all of this. i have placed certain people in your life to speak and act my love to you -- others, i have not. i have placed certain positions of leadership into your hands not because of your abilities but because i will be doing the work and i choose you to see it all. let them love, let me lead. follow me."

sidenotes;
i have a cluster headache ):
God is moving!