like a gracious knife

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“Anger is always an attack on the brother’s life, for it refuses to let him live and aims at his destruction. Jesus will not accept the common distinction between righteous indignation and unjustifiable anger. The disciple must be entirely innocent of anger, because anger is an offence against both God and his neighbour. Every idle word which we think so little of betrays our lack of respect for our neighbour, and shows that we place ourselves on a pinnacle above him and value our own lives higher than his. The angry word is a blow struck at our brother, a stab at his heart:it seeks to hit, to hurt and to destroy…With our hearts burning with hatred, we seek to annihilate his moral and material existence. We are passing judgement on him, and that is murder. And the murderer will himself be judged…

When we come before God with hearts full of contempt and unreconciled with our neighbours, we are, both individually and as a congregation, worshiping an idol. So long as we refuse to love and serve our brother and make him an object of contempt and let him harbour a grudge against me or the congregation, our worship and sacrifice will be unacceptable to God. Not just the fact that I am angry, but the fact that there is somebody who has been hurt, damaged and disgraced by me, who ‘has a cause against me,’ erects a barrier between me and God…

There is therefore only one way of following Jesus and of worshiping God, and that is to be reconciled with our brethren. If we come to hear the Word of God and receive the sacrament without first being reconciled with our neighbours, we shall come to our own damnation…This is a hard way, but it is the way Jesus requires if we are to follow him. It is a way which brings much personal humiliation and insult, but it is indeed the way to him, our crucified Brother, and therefore a way of grace abounding.” -Cost of Discipleship, Bonhoeffer

sidenotes;
like a gracious knife to the festering, cancerous anger encasing my heart
because the sad and awful thing is that i can conjure the faces of those i have sinned against in my heart. it's not like i am ignorant about it. god have mercy. give me the boldness to do what i have to do now.

also i am stress eating and stress sleeping and it is bad

sleepy butterflies

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today i want to cat nap. you know that dreamlike limbo some time in between full wakefulness and unconsciousness, when there are memories and thoughts and sensations and images flitting in and out of your head that make sense but make no sense at the same time? & when your tummy houses sleepy butterflies and it's warm but your body is restlessly tense. when it's saturday afternoon and you overslept, when you lie in bed entirely resistant towards the notion of doing any work? i donno. that is today.  i want a hug. i want to talk and not talk, i want to draw and read and bake and watch tv and have someone track my visions and feed off of my passion and be contagiously excited.

i need some vitamin d; being cooped up makes me crazy. it makes my mind and heart muggy.

sidenotes;

mmmm

wrestling with being needed

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i will be entirely honest; there are days and moments when i unknowingly slip into this huge mess of fear. there was a period of my life when i was 17 that i actively disdained all sorts of over-analysis because i became aware of my tendency to over-think. i still try to avoid this, to an extent; but my awareness of that tendency fluctuates with the changes in life.

namely, i fear being unneeded. i hesitate to draw from a human interpretation of personalities, but apparently this "need to be needed" is characteristic of isfj's. whether it is or not, i suppose it is very much a reality in my heart. in sociology we touched upon the concept of a "looking glass self" in which we as social beings reflexively determine whom we are by who we are not: in other words, perception of our worth and identity is molded by how others react to us. we internalize how our peers perceive us and it becomes reality.

accordingly, i draw reassurance when i am someone's confidante, someone's secret keeper. it doesn't feel like some sort of renowned pedestal; it feels simply, right. how i reconcile this with Jesus' claim upon my heart and His proclamation of my identity as His beloved daughter, i have yet to discover.

i suppose that is why it hurts so much when people i cherish (in whom i have invested my heart in the form of verbally and intentionally sharing my heartache) cease to express affection towards me. or when they comparatively show more affection towards other people. or when they don't respond to my emails. or when they fail to follow through their promises of grand romantic gestures of friendship. i begin to distrust their expressions of love & i begin to question my importance in their lives and before i know it, i have entrenched my heart in a pit of tangible fear and i become incapable of unhindered fellowship with these brothers and sisters. and especially in light of two people, i find myself once more in a place of confused hurt and to some degree, betrayal, and in all senses of the word, mistrust because of lack of verbalized assurance. i feel volatile and am sorely tempted to, as c.s. lewis said, lock my heart "safe in a casket or coffin of my selfishness."

there is some kind of disconnect between my claim on my assurance as His beloved and my understanding of my importance as a friend in others' lives. i still have no answers for this. it is still very much a daily struggle to silence my misgivings and to fixate my gaze upon His face and to really embrace the reality of my identity as His daughter & as their friend, as someone who is loved and important. i'm not sure how to verbally express it yet, but there is most definitely something beautiful in this struggle.

this is an excerpt from a sister i admire:

"it’s humbling to realize that some of the core foundations of the gospel are still incredibly hard for me to internalize. For example, security in God’s love and awareness that his grace totally, totally covers my sin and shame and I don’t have to hide the unpleasing parts of me. I’m going to try to be really honest about this process of transformation for me. I hope that in doing so, I don’t convey that I am defined by my anxiety in life, but I do hope that I convey that being broken means that admitting that brokenness isn’t nice and neat and that it actually runs really deep and I still face real-time moments often where I feel overcome by anxiety...

I wish I could tell you that dealing with these core insecurities has been a smooth up and up journey of growth and transformation. I wish I could tell you that after writing this post, I will not have a doubting or completely disorienting moment. But that would not be honest. It’s been a painfully start-stop-start-stop-start again kind of tumbleweed journey into unknown, lost places. It’s included plenty of tears of all kinds, plenty of moments where I feel completely uncertain what to anchor on emotionally, plenty of moments of terror seeing the depth of my capacity to be selfish and sinful and hardhearted, and plenty of moments where my deepest heart prayers were simply “please God, help me! please love me! I’m totally lost” The cries of a child." source

sidenotes;

growth is really such a humbling and beautiful and difficult process
also i am hungers i want food mmm

ghost of my memories

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i saw a ghost, i really did.
there one moment, gone the next.
there one year, gone the next

you haunt me because you are dead. because it is uncanny how similar it is to the other hole in my heart: we cannot speak because there is a great and intangible and horrible divide, except that you are alive. & that this divide is fabricated whereas the other is conquered by christ. what else is a ghost but someone dead in whatever sense who creates unrest in the lives of those he or she left? it is disturbing how our memories rewrite themselves because it feels as if there are cognizant wires in my mind, detaching and rewiring autonomously with some sort of gremlin-esque mischief. you don't know because you don't care. i am not some trophy to prove your mettle through self-denial. like i am a plague.

sidenotes;
i am so taken aback by how hurt i still feel
i could do with a hug and some validation

like air

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sometimes i need words of affirmation like air. i need your eyes and your ears because i see you and them and you and me and interpret your distraction as disinterest and ultimately, insincerity or rejection. and sometimes i feel like my heart just vomits itself onto the floor with every word i speak or don't speak in an entirely anticlimactic and feeble way. but i guess, it's not like i'm the center of the world. 'cause i'm not. but watch me shrink as you take up space because i'd rather not compete.

/merely dramatizing

There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so enthralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts. Inside you they work their magic. -Diane Setterfield 

When two people meet, each one is changed by the other so you've got two new people. -John Steinbeck

disingenuous

sidenotes;

veterans of civil rights movement came today.
"undirected anger must be channeled into social transformation by people who earn their insurgency through the building of a critical mass."
when people don't respond to my emails or make grand and entirely empty promises of gestures of friendship i get crazy no lies. excuse me while i stare. i am trying to figure out if you hate me. or why you are lying to my face.

/being snarky introvert at 1:30am

front lines

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can we just stop for a moment and ponder what a great god we serve? whether we are aware of His very tangible and purposeful work or not, He is, nonetheless, working on the front lines of our daily spiritual warfare. He is working on grander scales than we can even dare to imagine. He sees the brokenness of this world and is at this very moment, bringing His sons and daughters together to wage war against the chains of injustice. He works in such a particular way that it is undeniably and oftentimes amusingly & obviously His handiwork. 

last night i had an interview with UCSD's IJM outreach officer, and i was, to put it simply, speechless by how perfectly timed everything was. there was a reason i didn't get into the physiology/neuro program -- and that was so i would become a sociology major who took soc2 as a sophomore instead of as a freshman. UCSD implemented a "diversity, equity, inclusion" requirement fall quarter of my freshman year, and out of all the classes, i nearly arbitrarily chose an African American lit class THIS quarter, of all quarters. God used these classes to plant a seed of passion for social justice in my heart -- and He perfectly timed my email to IJM because i made the deadline by one night. even more striking is that they were lacking in the graphic design/photography area and they were praying for someone to come along. it feels indescribably awe-inspiring to be part of God's kingdom movement as an answered prayer, as a prayer warrior, as a servant.

this. this is where my heart lies. in the midst of His work, using my talents and skills to please Him by loving on others, by helping others -- instead of trying to mold myself into another brainless hack that has no dreams, no joy, no passions.

"He works in the deep and hidden things when others are concerned with mere appearances. We have been the subjects of a great deal of secret, unseen, underground work. The LORD has spent upon us a world of care." -Spurgeon

sidenotes;

my hair :)

to red: food first

heart of glass, concluding remarks

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It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:7

i'm free from you

i'm free from you in me

i'm free-

this is where god has led and i refuse to continue to subjugate myself under unwarranted, obligatory loyalty. any residue of that is simply that: residue. residue of my memories. memories from a year of emotional annihilation and reconstruction. and now i'm tempted to be overwhelmed by the fear that grips my soul, by the contempt that i foresee myself tempted to dabble in. my porcupine spines made of splintered fragments. head first into the beautiful fray, i suppose? God is good. God redeems.

teach me to trust because i forgot again
because as much as i delude myself into thinking i am an emotional stronghold during these transition periods, it seems that i fail to realize how fragile i am. i underestimate the elasticity of heartstrings that can, at any given moment, ice over. perhaps i am more hyper aware than others of our fragility. or perhaps i am an anomaly. third time's the charm?

-to be vulnerable
to be sweetly broken
to be all the while, whole
so joyfully whole

the journey;
heart of glass
frankenstein
pocketwatch

sidenotes;

it is good to be at home -- in the company of hilarious siblings & a wise mother, with an abundance of home cooked foods and the warmth of my enveloping bed
also my mommy just disqualified everything in ten minutes lololol

crossroads, naivety flashback

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this is the most critical crossroads thus far in my life. it's exhilarating and nerve wracking; i am full of joy and fear -- the road ahead is so frustratingly foggy but i will fearlessly step forth knowing that although i can't see, He most definitely sees all things. good things are to come. rabid world, come at me.

"Remember this, Christian, and let it comfort thee. However difficult and painful thy road, it is marked by the footsteps of thy Saviour; and even when thou reachest the dark valley of the shadow of death, and the deep waters of the swelling Jordan, thou wilt find his footprints there. In all places whithersoever we go, he has been our forerunner; each burden we have to carry, has once been laid on the shoulders of Immanuel."

"Christian, meditate much on heaven. It will help you to press on and to forget the toil of the way. This vale of tears is but the pathway to the better country. This world of woe is but the stepping-stone to a world of bliss." -Spurgeon

[naivety]

sidenotes;
quivering, thrumming
welcome to the beautiful war of my life

EDIT//
can i just freaking be a hermit
i just stress ate all my frustration
my tummy's in a stupid knot

untimely collision

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i have never felt more inexplicably swayed in my life -- at least, not that i remember. it's an untimely collision of tugging and yes's and no's and pro's and con's. it's me, wrestling against the temptation to somehow stumble upon peace and conviction through objectification, rationalization and compartmentalization. it's the lack of a cookie cutter guideline that i am so inclined towards because it is comfortable and reliable. it's the fear of i donno, everything. it's the memory of smiles, both stale and fresh, bitter, fearfully sweet, moving, painful, thoroughly confusing; my memory, again, thus serves its mischievous purpose in my wallflower mind. but as i give power to this gaggle of inarticulate sentiments through words, i must duly say this:

i will choose to gaze upon You and acknowledge once again that You are good. You are faithful -- sometimes frighteningly but entirely majestically so. You love me with a tender, passionate, empowering, radical, extravagant love. You see all in my life and You work all things for good in my life. there are no mistakes in Your handiwork and Your giant fingerprints are everywhere--so much so that, if i were to have some sort of spiritual infrared goggles, it would be hilarious because i would see more of your fingerprints than of my life circumstances. i will be still before Your majesty and i will allow perfect love to cast out all fear. let me no longer diminish Your power by fretting over things that haven't happened, over hypothetical situations i obsessively entertain in my imagination. this i ask by the empowering of the boldness from the Holy Spirit, who dwells in me and makes this untimely collision entirely intentional and timely and beautiful and good.

sidenotes;

i am kersplat hear me roar

sojourning in a garden

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anchor me with roots unbreakable;
because if your eyes keep smiling i will-
lead, for i am made to follow and
smile my way into your garden;
if you pursue i will melt incapably
but stumbling my way about the wildflowers
in a limbo, in a trap of living heartstrings
with no path or light or voice
that need to be set right and planted
and i'll need you to speak light and guide me home
into leafy strongholds and royally adorned flowers
where i am yours, sojourning warriors both
crafted and designed as petallike reflections of the greatest love
fashioned and called and marked and loved by the greatest love

sidenotes;
i have never felt more intricately conflicted before
can i be a hermit plz

outside time

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"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This love; not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God: but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us...love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:9-12, 17-19

something i look forward to is the moment i am, finally, enveloped in the embrace of He who loves me. He will tell me all the things He did for me behind the scenes of my earthly life, and i will, at the sheer wonder of it all, want to melt and laugh and cry and sing at the same time. i will know that He oversaw every moment of my life with painstakingly loving detail. He knew that i, for some inexplicable reason, love the poetic, soothing, and joyful emotions that rainy fridays evoke in me. He'll tell me that He knew all that i wrestled with in 2013, from the outrage over racial injustice in 21st century america to the strange year of blistering silence. & what constantly blows my mind, is that since He lives outside of time, He sees me as a perfect bride already and He also sees all the events leading to my birth as well as all the parts in between. i'm having trouble deciding what adjectives and tenses to use, because He is even outside the bounds of articulate and comprehensible language. and He not only has a thriving storehouse of intertwining plans for me, He has that for everyone in this world. what an awesome, awesome God we serve, who was, is, and will ever be.

on another note, was i perhaps too rash when i said what i said in april
does this count as a promise before god or was it void in my stupidity
god help me

sidenotes;
my eczema spot looks like a zombie heart
i have twelve freaking pairs of shoes?
i have been listening to gorillaz & sea wolf 24/7
i have an aversion to her use of font sizes for emphasis (even though i used to do this on xanga) but i love this: Protect Her Purity

things i want to do: amnesty intl internship
ucdc aip law/justice internship

sweet nothings

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you spoke of tender sweet nothings
i speak of soured nothings and tender festerings
and of undying hope deferred
it won't die--why won't it die
we made hearts sick and i'm sorry
that i-who are you again?
self appointed connoisseur of my heart?
i beg to differ, i beg for words,
i beg, this silence is killing me

sidenotes;
i am entirely grateful that God is a God of reconciliation and redemption and justice and mercy
but am still wrestling and confused and hurt
i met you in 2011