adulthood

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nobody warned me exactly what would make transitioning into adulthood so difficult. so many growing pains. thanks life. tell me what's redemptive in this, because i can see very little and i'm at a loss. my palms are empty, they have nothing immediately concrete to grasp onto. all i've got is an empty and hungry, desperation-fueled hope in the pit of my stomach as i double over to catch my breath. run this race, he says - don't be afraid, he says - i have overcome, he says. i am feeling increasingly bewildered that stories of similar struggle braved by people older than me have yet to come to my attention. indignant even, maybe. why is everyone silent?

the gospel's meaning needs to be ever increasing in my life

sidenotes;
three rainy fridays in a row. i am loved by the king.
also daaaangit, the coming two weeks are gonna freaking suck

sanctuary thanks

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But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. James 3:17-18

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness...For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Peter 1:5-8

Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. James 4:8a

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

i am thankful for a God who orchestrates every detail in my life, who sings victory over me as he does so. and i am thankful for the vision he gave me that allows me to trace His goodness in my life, to see this divine orchestration.

i am thankful for his sustaining grace in the midst of difficulty, and that he uses suffering to break, mold, build, strengthen, prune, and sanctify us. growing pains. i am thankful he gives and takes - that when he gifts, i have tangible signs of he who is sweet and perfect, and when he takes, he proves himself through intangible signs to be even more sweet and perfect.

i am thankful that he created in me an excitable heart for things like social justice (SAMI) art, exercise, music, healthy food, reading.

i am thankful for words, artfully crafted to liberate all that is in my heart.

i am thankful that his timeless presence is my quiet and safe sanctuary. that in desperation and helplessness, i may unceremoniously and boldly cast every burden & crucify every sin at the nailed feet of his son who rose from death on a cross for me.

i am thankful for e, whose actions are characterized by tenderness, earnestness, humility; whose presence in my life spurs, liberates, challenges, and emboldens me; thankful that e is a compassionate and courageous peacemaker who wrestles with impossible situations without running away, who is eagerly learning to unadulteratedly lean on God while contending in prayer. how i adore and cherish e.

i am thankful for the sisters God has gifted me with - friendships which ebb and flow, diverge and converge, but remain forever sweet, constant, present. like dear sisters l.n, s.lee, c.h, p.f - who have walked with me for 3.5 years (except c.h: 8) and continue to do so as i grapple with new developments. i am thankful that they see to the depths of my heart, and that they allow me to see the depths of theirs - and that we brave dark scary places together. and my sisters s.lo, m.l, c.c - who are forever dear to my heart.

i am thankful for my siblings, who see past the depths of my heart and see the grime as clearly as daylight and yet still, love me. thankful for their derpy presences that buffer my heart from the full impact of pain.

i am thankful for the following locations which have been engraved onto my heart: philadelphia, irvine, berkeley, san francisco.

sidenotes;
uhghguhgug god is so good to me

in, on, through

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Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:2-5

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

He loves me. He hears me. He works good for me.
this i will drill into my brain as i press in. press on. press through.
this i will tattoo onto my heart as He holds it together, as it bleeds into His hands.
this i will sing over my limbs like a soothing ointment, as they tremble and cry for relief.
this i will shout to my feet, as they bear the pounding weight of my body in this race, as they brave the unpaved and uncharted and hostile territories.

sidenotes;
today was really hard. but it started with sweet and ended with sweet. and so i am grateful for so many things! thank you, God, for loving me, through so many ways.

edit// this weekend was so hard. feeling vulnerable, tired, fragile, needy, leary, like a cornered animal
to love, to suffer
and in all things to glorify Him

inhale, exhale / gangly deer

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i want to breathe in his grace, to bathe in the sweet fragrance of his love for me until the blood which sustains my every muscle is gratitude. until the veins that transport this gratitude is fortified conviction. i want ever deeper roots in the caverns of my heart, roots which will crowd out the cancers of pride and entitlement and self-righteousness. i am his house, and in his presence i will dwell, i will rest, i will wait. i want to exhale all which heals, lifts, soothes, empowers. and one day he will declare the sum of me to be perfect and whole, when i stand in his presence, in his house. i look forward to when i am in his courts. until then i will inhale, i will exhale.

this is a new sweet crazy. no longer like amnesia, more like a surreal dream that is life which surreptitiously and arbitrarily and mischievously offers all kinds of both gifts and broken things. thank you, god, for being the giver of all good things. my bones are strengthening, my heart is becoming eager, my hands are open. may this be my forever posture before a god who did not protect his son from suffering.

sept 2013: baby deer

sidenotes;

nutella hot chocolate on this chilly wednesday afternoon, after sitting in the sun and sharing in silly conversation with e
also i am grateful for mentors who challenge me to grow. because challenge accepted.

q; what's the use of being super sensitive if people around me are not? ugh dumb. feeling dismissed and unvalidated in, what i am presently calling, my "useless" sensitivity. only hurting myself. pls, so dumb. also i'm going to read this later and not even remember what happened, so, lol.

learning to dream part iv

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Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

i started this series during a season in which i was "learning to dream" in a liberated manner that sidestepped the realm of idolatry, heartsickness, and disappointment: i envisioned the future, listened to my heart's desires, allowed my imagination to have free reign, and in all these things, i acknowledged god as sovereign lord over my dreams, my desires, my future. i have seen how good he is in orchestrating everything in my life, how tender he is in showing me how he pursues and loves me as he molds my desires & prunes me so that i may bear much fruit. with that said, here's a snapshot of my dreams now.

i dream of a girls revival conference for sexual redemption and purity. also a conference addressing mother-daughter relationships. i dream to see a nationwide revival regarding christians in their understanding of a holistic gospel that calls us to be socially aware, to be community oriented, to have neighborhood theology, to be justice and mercy-minded, to be relentlessly seeking creative ways in which god may want to restore brokenness and right the injustices in our immediate sphere of influence. i dream of seeing SAMI branches across california. i dream of a campus-wide social justice night for christians this year. i dream of seeing social justice programs incorporated into high school curriculum. i dream that one day, in my lifetime, i will see massive upheaval in the prison system. on the scale of the civil rights movement.

i dream of going to berkeley for a summer internship, & eventually going to berkeley for grad school. i dream of meeting angela davis, ruthie wilson gilmore, and michelle alexander.

i dream of rescuing two dogs. also adopting foster children. i dream of starting a stationery business when i'm done with my degrees, and of writing novels in my free time. i dream of getting a sony nex7, and/or a canon 5d mark ii or a canon 7d. i aspire to become good at bouldering. and to get a roadbike, and run a half marathon.

i dream of seeing younger girls become admirable and driven women of god who will in turn invest in other ladies, be life-giving encouragers, be blessings for brothers, and be missions-minded servants/leaders in their respective spheres of influence.

april 2012 part iii
nov 2011 part ii
feb 2011 part i

sidenotes;
blessed
loved

p.s. tonight: coffee, ice cream, pineapples, pesto pasta (aka any food to keep me occupied). gonna be a long night. midterms make me fat
edit// thurs 5:30am; third all nighter in the past two weeks. not sure how i'm still alive, but i'm alive & my brain is functioning strangely well. why am i most productive from 4-6am. dumb. also god is so good to me, because i will finish this essay on time and class is cancelled tomorrow and yessssss

also woah, so many people getting into relationships. so trippy and surreal, pls

i must be really super non-impressionable lol, because people i work with never remember who i am. welp wallflower forever

the wallflower who was not

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"there were several ways it could have gone. she might have visited everyday, and i could have been the one who knew her go-to drink. maybe she might have had different drinks depending on her mood, or the weather, or the day of the week. or maybe she might have disappeared for a year, gone traveling and come back a profoundly different person. to meet me, a mildly different person.

as it were, i only saw her twice more in that year, and both times i was in the back restocking materials, like i was doing presently. i entertained the possibility that she actually did frequent the cafe and it was just by chance that i wasn't working that day. that fate was mischievously dealing me unfavorable cards.

in any case, i decided she was intriguing in my mind, i gave her free reign, this unremarkable girl in mahogany rimmed glasses. so as i contented myself with not knowing, there she was, standing in line cradling her books while surveying the menu. nothing in particular was going through my mind when i determined to ask her name.

some severe case of tunnel vision handicapped my senses because there is a deplorable gap in my conscious memory between holding a bag of coffee beans in the back room to standing at the cash register.

'hi, what can i get for you?'
'just an iced coffee please'
'and your name?' the anticipation, the unwarranted joy-
she gave me a bemused and quizzical look as she opened her mouth, paused, pursed her lips. 'you were in my architecture class last semester. my name is' my brain malfunctioned, and i don't remember the name she said afterwards, even as i wrote it onto the plastic cup. she was perhaps an angel who dragged my fantasy to meet reality in a discordant and dissonant collision, an angel who was now walking out of the cafe with iced coffee in hand. maybe it was the sleep deprivation from late nights in the studio, or maybe the intoxicating scent of coffee beans, because i felt intrigue rush through my veins with an anticipatory and impatient pulse."

sidenotes;
part I
this is a story of objectification, romanticizing fantasies, a boy who doesn't learn his lesson, a nameless girl whose influence goes beyond her awareness, a critique of popular portrayals of romance, a facetious satire. because i've felt objectified; because i have been called unremarkable, because i people watch, because i remember names, because i don't know how boys think, because i often wonder at the inner world of strangers standing beside me. and also because i love cafes.