it is april! a year from last year.
this whole journey has been so painstakingly full of baby steps: timid steps into all directions only to find the same oppressive pain there to cheekily greet my intrepid whimper for clarity and freedom. i have learned to embrace bewildering brokenness with a weary and hopeful acceptance like never before. i have learned how to not only communicate sincere concern for someone else, but to truly feel deep anguish and grieve with those who grieve. and as a culmination of it all, one hour ago God finally revealed to me a glimpse into a shrouded and acutely raw corner of my heart.
in sociology we discuss a theory called the "looking glass self" -- also related to the labeling theory. as children, we internalize identity markers in reflexive response to how "significant others" (those of instrumental influence) react towards us. accordingly, we build a sense of identity based on what others say about us, what others don't say about us, how others act towards us, and how others don't act towards us. this is the painstaking process of socialization that is constantly in flux with the people that have influence in different periods of our lives.
and as i sat there at pc, wondering if it was my hair that did the trick, or perhaps my new glasses, or my new white headphones, or my teal blouse that i bought after april -- wondering if the sungod water bottle and the agenda and the journal and the wireless mouse did anything to trigger recognition--i became aware of this destructive process in my heart. i have inadvertently made myself a victim to my own interpretation of his actions and of my subsequent understanding of the implications his actions (or lack of) have upon my heart & upon my identity. he became, by no apparent effort of his own, a defining power in how i viewed my worth as a friend, as a young woman, as a sister, as a person. rather, not he because he is dead in the practical sense, but my imagination and year old memories of him embodied a poisonous "significant other" in the back of my mind. the ghost haunted me as i walked about campus. ghost of my own making.
but no longer. i have been graciously made aware and by the power who raises the dead who dwells in my heart, i can call upon immeasurable strength to live in a realm of blessed freedom marked by the protective boundaries of Jesus' love for me and my heart, my soul, my mind. how truly jealously ought we to guard the gates into our hearts. i am blessed by this new understanding of this wonderful verse.
also, in a funny way i feel inexplicably joyful to be able to love on everyone God will put in my life in the future by relentlessly seeking after His heart for me with reckless abandon and undivided devotion so that my rock solid Christ-identity can serve as a spring of life for me and those i will hold dear to my heart.
Christ's love sears away our death grip/fixation upon finding fault, placing blame, demanding retribution: this is the beautiful implication of His claim on my life.
also, in a funny way i feel inexplicably joyful to be able to love on everyone God will put in my life in the future by relentlessly seeking after His heart for me with reckless abandon and undivided devotion so that my rock solid Christ-identity can serve as a spring of life for me and those i will hold dear to my heart.
Christ's love sears away our death grip/fixation upon finding fault, placing blame, demanding retribution: this is the beautiful implication of His claim on my life.
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. Proverbs 4:23
sidenotes;
god is so so good to me
nietzsche is freaking crazy
nietzsche is freaking crazy
