letter

source

haven't blogged very often because i feel like i sound stupid. journal entries are scant and few. i also find social media increasingly undesirable and can reflexively hear my tone of voice become more dry and biting with every blog post i write.

dear future me,

hi. it's been six months since i graduated, five months since moving back, five months since working at sender one, two months since i started doing counseling, and one month since i've been rabidly searching for another job and a place to live. someone yesterday who is one year younger than me mentioned that she only has one more semester until she graduated. i feel like i am pushing through dense unforgiving pudding - time moves three times as slowly when i'm not being hurtled through the quarter system.

here are some nonconsequential things this past month: watched star wars vii, it was fun but also anticlimactic. i came home at 1:30am once, it felt nice. my iphone battery is jenky and so is my laptop. have been binge watching jessica jones. i have a new appreciation for functioning, warm jackets, fish tacos, and poke; still not particularly fond of onions though.

here are some more consequential things: i've changed in some ways that i didn't foresee and so have my friendships. i'm learning this is okay, but it feels kind of like peeling off old comfortable clothes and standing naked in the cold. in two years three of my friendship have taken dramatic turns. it is also an everyday struggle to choose joy and choose god; i usually blame it on the shitty toxic environment i live in and have little energy or desire to take responsibility for it. i just want to move out. dating is good, we're going on 2.4 years and looking forward to engagement because it feels like the next natural stage that we're eager to step into. engagement also sometimes feels like an expensive vase in my 22 year old clumsy fat fingers; we are grateful for community in san diego that figuratively/literally ushers us to fellowship/new life experiences with welcome arms. i still project my own timeline onto others though, it's dumb and i need to stop doing it. i usually do it anyways. career-wise, idk wtf i'm doing lol. that's okay too. i'm okay with the uncertainty in this area for some reason; other areas, not so much.

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