i seem to have a vast, churning internal world that i allow few people to fully access. it is hugely disconnected from my external world, and connecting these two worlds is a fragile bridge which i guard fiercely by trumpeted principles of "intentional investment" and "proven trust" and "introversion." while i love the way God has created my temperament, and while i am able to sit in my inner world (able to process), i am largely unaware of how to welcome others (who haven't "proven" themselves) into this space - & idk when this is required or if it even is required. the turmoil consumes substantial energy and leaves my muscles for movement between the inner and the outer atrophied. in other words, i not only have a difficult time communicating with others that i need company to cross the bridge, but i also have a difficult time communicating when company becomes a threat. in the first situation i find that i shut down and wallow in self-pity. in the second situation i find that i shut down and quiver in my bomb shelter of "duty" that shouts down my own needs in order to meet the needs of the friend (unintentional threat?) knocking at (stomping cluelessly on?) my bridge.
it is also easier to be retrospectively vulnerable by way of presenting nicely packaged stories of brokenness and healing than it is to be concurrently vulnerable by way of digging up messiness, airing it to communities of faith, wincing from the expectation of backlash, and receiving the confounding gift of acceptance and grace.
now, all that being said, i can content myself in embracing my God-crafted temperament, processing style, and needs. however, i need to practice my atrophied muscles and frequent that bridge. also i am falling asleep as i type this soooo lol
sidenotes;
mer
Articulate and eloquent you are!! Idk how far I am into this inner world, but just from my observation, I think that simply because you blog and express your thoughts here so often (although you do exercise discernment with 'giving out' this blog?), you are a person who, well, expresses themselves and shares their thoughts and desires to, like you said, “frequent that bridge.” However, I definitely, definitely resonate with you in how it is so difficult "to be concurrently vulnerable by way of digging up messiness" – I think I fear a lot of judgment in my raw and unfiltered thoughts – and even just the idea if “[welcoming] others… into this space… even is required.” And this is coming from a fairly extroverted guy, haha. But I really enjoyed reading this, and I pray that God will continue to be giving you discernment in this subject.
ReplyDelete