today i felt distinctly heard, seen, and loved by God. there are many threads of thought in my head, and they are all thrumming with anticipation and the restrained potential of such depth and scope. i will eventually explore all of them and thoroughly wear the topics thin with combing and sifting and interrogating and illuminating, but for now, incohesive sentences will suffice as glimpses into my present thought life.
i discovered an almost alarmingly puny threshold for encouragement and discouragement.
i am engaging the idea of leaning forward into yet-to-be fleshed out characteristics of God, with a posture of expectancy, of intensity, of calmness, of trust. perhaps it is a season to lean forward instead of leaning back to rest on already sedimented anchors of God's character. perhaps in leaning forward i am also using strength i would find from leaning back.
i had a very intimate moment with God today and immediately encountered the tension of a borderline frantic desire to capture the moment, to fence it in with words and freeze it and frame it so as to forever memorialize it. maybe some moments are too intimate to be described, let alone shared with anyone else.
i am hyper cognizant of the development of my various identities; of my social consciousness, of my internalization of identities which dig deep and anchor me. i am neither asian nor american; rather i am distinctly asian, american. i use the comma to destabilize the intactness of "asian american" - the ways in which we uncritically internalize an identity with political implications and history of struggle which we know nothing about. i am a person of color, am i not? i am a woman, not a womyn. but i am also most attentive to the voice which calls me "beloved" as i navigate these many layers.
i am sitting in the midst of many overlapping thoughts and entertaining the possibility of embracing my aloneness in this moment: no other human can possibly enter into the entirety of my inner world, nor is that reasonable or good. weren't we ultimately made for the sole enjoyment of the Creator? to desire someone to enter that space of sacred unknowability - wouldn't this be to impose God's sole privilege onto another creation and cause destruction?
so much more i don't even know
sidenotes;
my sleep schedule is the poops right now
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