dec check in

 -finished the semester
-read The Mountains Sing & Know My Name
-vegas yikes
-did html online course
-picked up meds
-zoom with family

oct, nov check in

 oct, nov

-i honestly don't remember much of the past two months. depressive episode with bad anxious symptoms
-most days i wait for the day to be over
-nice biking trail behind house
-demy & jon's wedding was a nice getaway
-most if not all of my thought processes are pretty much 100% the same as 2018-2019 first year teaching
-started "doable" devos - aka minimum effort. some things that came out of devos: god rescued me from having to be a perfectionist. i worship (value) competency at the expense of my wellbeing
-emmanuel built out the computers
-since adolescence i've had a hard time being present in whatever life stage i am. somehow i subconsciously expect myself to have accomplished the equivalent of someone who is at least 10-20 years older than me. why do i do that
-intention: start explicitly writing out my subconscious expectations for myself

watched queen's gambit, kipo, started she-ra; his dark materials is back

jul, aug, sept checkin

 july
-in a rush to move out; found a place, visited, applied
-designed a shit ton of things for t.c.
-invited to join are
-west asian meeting
-wrote article with xitlaly

aug
-moved out
-interviews!
-stressful month with e & e; conflicts and therapy
-stupid design contract addendums
-got hired and started teaching
-esther moved out

sept;
-stressful last minute designs for t.c., gseis, labor center, nail salon
-idk how tf i'm doing anything

work that is sustainable is: joyful, meaningful, collaborative, relational, interdependent, healing, reflective
work that is unsustainable is: forced, frustrating, bitter, lonely, painful, stagnant, triggering

things i have had to stand up for myself for this year:
-microaggressions from white male teachers
-had my job stolen from white female deficit minded teacher
-pbs censorship
-efci censorship and dehuamnization
-parent censorship of my personhood
-students sexually harassing me
-clients violating design boundaries
-

april, may, june checkin

april:
-super busy design month: data for democracy housing brief, learned after effects for students deserve animated designs, curriculum censorship bullshit, design recipes for me & emmanuel, labor center figures for workers & learners report
-photoshoot for demy & jon
-lots of cooking

may:
-design: work on 80+ pgs of unseen costs
-meet with curriculum team to heal and organize
-Liberated ES planning meeting
-murder of george floyd

june:
-white censorship bullshit from efci
-june 7-june 21, sleeping1-4am everyday working on nail salon, unseen costs (88 pg + 25 pg)
-extreme stress: weight loss, eczema, nausea, headaches, etc.
-anniversary photoshoot


quarantine binges:
westworld season 3
punisher season 2
dark
midnight gospel
kingdom
avatar & korra
killing eve
the great
love, victor
gentefied

feb & mar check in

feb
-started off month with working out, cava for lunch @ woodbridge plaza, plan out invoice for labor center, finished Ibram Kendi's book, got yogurtland, studied cset, sign up for roth ira, watched comedy with jon & demy. in the midst of knowing i have a shit storm coming up
-started long term subbing at lorin griset. met students, agonized, brainstormed, pushed through with resistant students, formed positive relationships. learned from last year
-worked out with alicia
-PBS video calls for lesson
-worked on infographics for workers & learners project
-released data for democracy immigration brief
-took cset!
-read educated
-updated design portfolio
-created logo for save CA ES

mar
-last few PT sessions, still not healed
-school closed starting march 13 (end of quarter 3)
-found out mrs ells is a fucking asshole and is going to kick me out of my job
-during school closure, i: designed for ucla labor center worker & learners small infographics, made several edits to PBS lesson, designed data visualization for housing brief for data for democracy, designed logo for liberated ethnic studies model curriculum coalition, created covid-19 for students even though i'll be booted out by fucking ells, and more
-ran at least 3 times a week
-cooked farfelle w/ mushrooms, spinach, caramelized onions; made egg tarts, made chunky veggie pasta, made creamy chicken rice soup
-cut each others' hair
-read glass castle and the hate u give
-binge watched dark on netflix

a school

the first couple times i subbed at this school, i had to say little more than "okay folks, we're gonna get started" to get everyone's eyes and attention. it was a nice change. i could relax a bit, sit in the chair, get some other work done while they self-managed. when i subbed for an econ/wh teacher for three weeks in january, however, i began to make some observations. or perhaps the observations were made of me.

the first incident was with the teacher i was subbing for. "are you ryan?" offering my hand. "i'm eunice, nice to meet you." "can you give me five minutes to finish this email?" of course i said yes. is asking someone to wait a power move? i don't know. he explained his unit(s) to me, sifting through messy piles of papers on his desk. eventually the students came in and i sat to observe his lecture. "if you get A's it's bc you are increasing your brain capacity and making your brain worth more so if you're a doctor and get paid more it's bc you deserve it bc you invested in your brain." and "if you get knocked down in the field, what do people call you? that's right, you said it, not me." and "i'll be out this month, this is your teacher, euniece."

if my insides weren't dying yet they were now. i sat next to him to review the econ project. "to clarify, my name is eunice, and i go by ms. h in the classroom." he apologizes and corrects himself to the class. could that have been avoided? i don't know.

for the next couple weeks, i stressed much, slept little, planned my ass off unnecessarily. partly because his lessons were shit, partly because it was my only way to resist what i perceived to be an ideologically hostile environment. i taught the students that economic markets were different than economic philosophies, and that marx's ideas were a utopian reality intended to fix perceived wrongs. it was the best i could manage, especially because whenever i said marx, a collective shiver seemed to arise through the room. it was like i said voldemort or something. in the world history class, i asked students whether it was okay for someone incompetent to declare war. at which point a student heatedly said, "that's your opinion. i happen to think he was right in the suleimani strike."

through those weeks, it was small moments that quickly began to erode my sense of well-being and safety. moments like these:

"i taught in south central la." raised eyebrows, downturned mouth, a reactive "oh wow."
or, while working in the faculty room: "hi tiff!" a white male. "i'm not tiff." "oh.... all good... all good... you looked like tiff from behind..." where was the ownership? apology? i don't know.
or, another, "euniece." from another white male.
or, a white male with dreads in the lunch room.
or, an older white teacher: "we should really send you to africa. that'll teach you to complain." what the fuck?
or, "i student taught at valley. that was a school." to which i pursed my lips and did not respond.
or, getting in my car and seeing a tesla in front of me driven by a student.
or, "freedom writers." after my introduction. to which i say "i don't like that movie."

jan check in

-finished stupid ucr extension graphic design course
-had couple days notice to sub for 3 weeks for an econ/wh teacher at mater dei, was stressed af to plan for an incompetent capitalist teacher
-joshua tree trip: no itinerary, just did whatever we want. was great. hiked, climbed, took photos, ate pizza, rested at airbnb
-experienced a ton of weird microaggressions at md, felt the upper/middle class culture killing my insides
-finished brief #2 immigration for data for demoracy
-found out i'm doing labor center's workers & learners brief
-got chosen to be part of team for pbs' asam documentary lesson building
-called, interviewed, chosen in a day to cover for lorin griset until june
-revamped budgeting sheet

i feel insecure about not having my own classroom, but i'm reminding myself that this year i am doing a ton of stuff to better myself as a teacher:
-took english methods course
-took ucr extension graphic design course to get supplemental auth.
-studying for/planning on taking cset
-even did ux/ui course on top of all that just to learn for kicks

and now just to keep track for next two months:
-data for demoracy
-ucla labor center
-ucla gseis staff directory
-pbs/aaaj lessons
-study for cset
-lorin griset long term subbing lesson planning

nov & dec check in

nov
-just working n stuff
-prof john recommended me to prof cecilia
-dogsitting
-miss my students, sad i'm subbing

dec
-white elephant with rainbow squad
-watchmen, mr. robot season 4, his dark materials
-reading books
-nanor's wedding
-visit sd friends
-bought a baby monstera
-gardening with michael