learning to dream part ii

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how fickle is my heart, & how unchanging is our heavenly father!

i want to learn conversational italian & japanese. i want to learn greek so that i can study the new testament. i still wanna learn how to make petite gateaux & latte art. i want a nikon dslr; i wanna take the intro to photography class at SD for my area of focus req.

i wanna major in physiology/neuroscience and minor in human development & possibly teaching. i want to teach physio/neuro to high school students. i want to take interior design classes & open my own cafe, my own photography business, & my own stationery business.

i want a toller and an aussie.

i wanna travel the world with my husband to minister to broken people. i want to sponsor kids through compassion international, and then i want to meet them in person.

i want a roadbike. i want to run a half marathon.

i yearn to be available for when two people from high school encounter life difficulties, become broken, & seek hope, truth, and healing. i yearn to see college friends know christ. i yearn to see my sisters mature in christ. i want a discipler. i wanna get to know the harvest sisters better.

i am excited for how God is gonna fully orchestrate my love story.

i still want to be alive when someone cures cancer... and when someone finds out why deja vu occurs.

i say this with resigned acceptance & an amused smile: God, why are you so unconventional?

things change

perspectives change

dreams change

God doesn't change

God, thank you for letting me dream
thank you for the joy it brings me
you're top priority though:
not that you even need my permission,
but i commit my dreams to you.
you're a God who gives & takes.
do as you see fit, go go go

the me 9 months ago:
[ learning to dream part i ]

sidenote;
i didn't know i had it in me to cry this much

summer questions

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how do i draw the line between being content knowing that God will lead me through each lesson/trial in my life, and being so content that i plateau and disregard the need to actively seek after Him daily?

i worded that awkwardly. :/

how do i ask for forgiveness if i feel like i'm always fighting -- like it's a glitchy default setting of my proud, proud heart to refuse to feel remorse? what am i supposed to do if that room in hallways of my heart has become icy & callused?

if i'm asking these questions, does that mean i'm doubting the power of the holy spirit?

largely rhetorical, but for the sake of my exasperation (& my amusement at myself), imma ask anyways -- why are children so shallow? in fact, why are we so shallow? the other day, a little girl at the park chose another girl to be her partner over me. i automatically assumed it was because the other girl was prettier. and then i mentally slapped myself for being retarded & even thinking that. because sometimes i can be stupid.

furthermore -- why is our culture (primarily american, specifically CA, even more specifically socal)  so fixated upon appearances? because how am i supposed to compete if i'm not into that stuff. good thing i have jesus lol. 'cause beauty becomes wrinkles one day, and then we need to rely on our inner grace and loveliness that comes from jesus christ -- wapow, jesus wins 1-0. bam. KO. 

lovely and empty

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summer is lovely.

my desk is strewn with the blues and greens of my pack rat scrap book treasures. the air smells of sweet peas and fresh market apple, and in the morning i am pleasantly surprised to realize that i'm awake enough to listen to the songbirds serenade each other. i'm spending time with my friends of six years. it's bittersweet to i think about how we've grown--or how we've not grown--how i've become familiar with their quirks and how i'm able to predict their reactions to things (like when an old man barks at youngsters, or when an asian man tries miserably to hit on one of us, or when a saleslady implies that we're blocking the walkway).

that one day, at the playground, i remember how happy i felt when i played with those kids at the park. wonderful children. poor children. i'm going to go there everyday.

i remember feeling my heart skip a few beats, and it scared me. i wondered if my stroke volume had increased yet, after two weeks of running. i wondered irrationally if i had heart problems. i imagined myself in the hospital--and then i laughed. i remember feeling weary triumph, followed by confusion and grief. "if i'm doing the right thing, why does it hurt so much?" i thought. i prayed for healing, because i knew that the only thing preventing that part of my heart from crumbling was my stubbornness. i don't think i'm in denial; he led it with sweet on a winding road to nowhere, broke it with sweet, forgot it with sweet. that's all. i remember thinking, "what the hell is wrong with me?" as i watched my friends excitedly try on jewelry and nail polish at the mall. "why am i so not girly?" i remember hearing my voice harden and splinter as that angry monster raised its ugly head--as if i switched off the self-control button and let petty annoyance and dislike control my body, my actions, my words. since when did autopilot have a life of its own? i don't know. i don't know.

i fill my whiteboard each week with goals, plans, craft ideas, and to-do lists. some tasks disappear and some remain. yet in the midst of my busyness, i seem to have neglected Him. i never forgot--i just schedule it in haphazardly, as if it'll happen without my planning it to. everything takes diligence, effort, persistence, and self-control; i don't know how i failed to apply that to my time with the Father. when did i ever become a celebrity, and jesus a lowly fan? ridiculous. "i'm sleepy. tomorrow morning," i might justify to myself. or, "i promise, i'll spend time after i run." and i overestimate my ability to manage time. time kicks my butt. i wish i had superpowers, sometimes. and that's when i remember that i'm so proud and broken and silly

someone once told me that i need to find my voice. i wonder if i have found it yet.

everything is so lovely and empty and deep
and sweet and bitter, and slow and fast
summer is lovely

i stay up late to write about nothing--about silence
and everything in that silence

it was nothing

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it was nothing, when
you took it and smothered it in sweet-
laughter; made it flutter
said things you shouldn’t have
intentionless, you played—had your fun
you took it and bruised it with sweet-
then threw it on the ground,
stole from her future,
taught her how to expect
nothing.
it was nothing

currently reading: emotional purity by heather arnel paulsen
lessons; life takes discipline. love takes discipline.

dear God

fill me
heal me

learning to dream

i want to learn conversational french, italian, korean, japanese, & spanish -- and then i want to travel. i want to learn the art of making petite gateaux and latte art. i want to go to a vienna philharmonic performance. i want to learn the logistics of using a canon camera, and then i want to take milk toof/danbo-esque pictures of my own creations in europe and asia.

before that, i desire so much to go to northwestern. or... or cal. i want to join an intervarsity group. as a side job, i'd want to teach flute to elementary kids. and when i decide not to dorm on campus, i want to get an apartment and save up money to go on an ikea shopping spree. i also want to audition for an orchestra and be able to play gustav holst's the planets. all of them! and a few mahler symphonies. some bernstein & gershwin would be muy delightful too. i want to do children ministry abroad. anywhere, everywhere. i want to visit orphanages and minister to the children there--and then i want to minister to cancer stricken kids and their families. i want to raise money for invisible children and world vision. i want to treasure the friendships i have today for years and years to come. i want to see my elementary best friends & high school best friends come to know christ intimately and passionately.

i want to go to live concerts by john mayer, michael buble, jason mraz, and adele.

i want to apply to upenn for grad school. i want to meet jasmine choi at curtis institute. i want to play in a masterclass with amy porter and jeffrey khaner. i want to play the dutilleux sonatine and the sancan sonatine.

i want a toller or aussie puppy,  named razzmatazz or chantilly.

i want to meet a guy who pursues christ daily. i want him to have a passion for something, to love music, to love children, to be compassionate and encouraging and wise. i want him to be the things i'm not: more adventurous, less introverted. i want to be able to have thoughtful conversations with him-and i want to have a system of honesty with no cowardly mind games. i want to be able to ask him questions when i'm confused about something in the bible. i want to learn how to snowboard, dirt bike, dune buggy, & mountain climb with him.

i've accepted the fact that i know what kind of guy i want: and i've only got to wait and never, ever compromise my beliefs or dreams for something less. i've also accepted and embraced the fact that God put the desire in my heart to be pursued--just as God wishes to be pursued by us. and until i meet whoever it is i am to meet, i will pursue God because it's in doing so that i will find someone likewise pursuing God.

eventually, i want kids. a son, and then twin girls. but i can't know for sure (: i want to live in the east coast and have an arts and crafts room where i can do artsy things with my kids.

i want to be alive when some genius cures cancer.

i want to visit taiwan again, to talk to my relatives whom i don't know well at all.

as for short term things,
i still need to make a master cd of my favorite music

thought to ponder;
does being pursued equate to passivity?
how do i find a balance?